W-We...We wern't Fast Enough

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AppleCade was working one day until his friends through him a party.

how will this affect him? will he get drunk on cider? or will he get in a fight with somepony? you can find out! so why don't ya?

so come find out what happens :D

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 12 )

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Hclegend

Hclegend #1 · Jul 11th, 2015 · 2 · ·

Okay. Just. What. Once again, you didn't establish your OCs, so I still have no idea who the hell these ponies are, besides the fact that they're a ripoff of the Mane 6. I mean, literally copy and pasted with different names and possibly a swapped gender (It's hard to tell.) This plot is just all over the place. Applecade gets kissed, passes out and misses his chores so he gets whipped by his parents then dies in hospital, then his friends try necromancy but explode his corpse... Then it was all a dream. Wonderful. The few canon characters you do use are barely in the story and probably should haven't been in at all. The grammar and writing is... Atrocious. Please get an editor or a proofreader, because I couldn't actually read more than a paragraph without getting an aneurysm. Hell, a spellchecking program would do.
I know I'm being harsh here, but I criticized your first story for many of the same issues (Not establishing OCs, bad OCs in general, horrific spelling and grammar, pointless killing...) and you haven't improved at all.
Okay, that's a lie. You've improved slightly. You wrote a story, not just a random mesh of scenes, unlike the last time.
I'm not going to say you should get off of FimFiction. I'm not an asshole, it's just that, as a critic I'm very disappointed that you didn't take my advice on board. Please listen to me this time, because I don't want to write another negative review for your story.
Before you say I don't have to write a review, it wouldn't feel right disliking your story and not telling you why I didn't like it. That's just not helping anyone.
Rating: Exploded corpse/10

AppleCade_The_Earth_Pony

AppleCade_The_Earth_Pony #2 · Jul 11th, 2015 · · ·

6192632 well I was kind of tired I wrote this around 1-5 in the morning...so I created this...I have no idea what I was thinking but that's because I was tired and also I'm used to hate so it doesn't really bother me I just learn from you guys and it helps me so thanks...

also can you tell me a proofreader... my computer doesn't have one...

Hclegend

Hclegend #3 · Jul 11th, 2015 · · ·

6193174 Notepad ++ is a good writing application that comes with a spell checker.

AppleCade_The_Earth_Pony

AppleCade_The_Earth_Pony #4 · Jul 11th, 2015 · · ·

6194070 thanks

Hclegend

Hclegend #5 · Jul 11th, 2015 · · ·

6194166 Welcome! I wrote my newest story on it and it works wonders!

AppleCade_The_Earth_Pony

AppleCade_The_Earth_Pony #6 · Jul 11th, 2015 · 1 · ·

6194194 cool

Lunar Dusk

Lunar Dusk #7 · Jul 12th, 2015 · 1 · ·

This doesn't even deserve of more reviewing than what 6192632 did, so kudoos to him. 0/20. At least it was in english, or at the least something resembling english. Otherwise...

Hclegend

Hclegend #8 · Jul 12th, 2015 · 1 · ·

6195765 I'm one of the insane few.

Lunar Dusk

Lunar Dusk #9 · Jul 12th, 2015 · 1 · ·

6195774 At least you didn't do like that dumbass Lunar Dusk who wrote over 2000 words reviewing a 1.5k word fic, which he PMed to an unknown author who never even responded. And he did it twice. F**king dumbass.

AppleCade_The_Earth_Pony

AppleCade_The_Earth_Pony #10 · Jul 13th, 2015 · · ·

6198121 at this point I really don't care to much about...well writing I just want to talk with my sister >_>

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