W-We...We wern't Fast Enough

by AppleCade_The_Earth_Pony

AppleCade (This is the only Chapter)

As AppleCade and his family started to finish apple bucking all the trees in Candy Apple Acers, AppleCade saw his friend FlutterBaker.

"hey FlutterBaker" he said.

"APPLECADE GET READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The orange and red stallion stared at the other orange and red stallion.

"for what?" AppleCade asked.

"I invited the rest of our friends over!" FlutterBaker said happily.

"WHAT NO!!" AppleCade said screaming at his friend "you know how I get around other ponies!"

But then all the ponies came You had Vinyl Scratch (DJ Pon-3), Octavia, Doctor Whooves, and Derpy. He also saw more friends come like Rainbow Racer who flew right over to him and asked.

"How are things?" he had a grin on.

"g-good" AppleCade said very shyly. Candy Star came over next "Thanks for having us over" AppleCade was starring for a minute out of shyness "oh it's fine just as long as it doesn't distract me from my work"

He said still very shy around the 7 other ponies then Pinkie Guy came over "no killing anyone Pinkie Guy...if that's okay with you EEEP!'

Then Fencer came over "I hate this place I didn't want to come!!" he cried "not everyone is fancy like you Fencer!" AppleCade said.

He walked to the house to put away the apples he collected the he heard some fighting.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TALKED ME INTO THIS VINYL" Octavia said.

"Octavia come on the party will start in a minute don't leave" but Octavia went to sit by the gate and then AppleCade came out to Vinyl.

"What happened?" he said being more shy than ever.

"Oh! Just a little fight" no need to be alarmed Octavia just doesn't like it here" Vinyl said sadly.

"It's okay at least she isn't like Fencer" Appleade said laughing a bit.

"EW! EW!" everypony heard Fencer there in the background.

"HA yeah well thanks for comforting me" then she kissed AppleCade his whole face turned red!

"Don't take that kiss the wrong way" then she walked over to Octavia. AppleCade stood there then his vision went black and he passed out. about an hour past and he woke up.

"w-where is everypony?" he said while waking up.

“home”his father said.

"And you didn't finish your chores!" his mother said "and you know what that means"

he started crying. "MAMA PLEASE NO ANYTHING BUT THAT"

his mom dragged him down into the basement. She chained him to the wall and got a whip. She whipped him everywhere on his body he started bleeding bruising and kept crying the more she whipped the worse he got until he was half dead then she threw him in the dirt where he laid there. His hooves felt broken he didn't bother trying to get up. The next day his friends came over and saw him "who did this?!?!?!" screamed all of them.

AppleCade coughed "I didn't finish my work and I paid the consciences" his voice was raspy. His friends picked him up and started carrying him to a hospital as they walked he moaned in pain.

"OWWWWWW' then just as they saw the hospital everypony heard him say.

"I will miss you guys I hope that you guys find a new friend to replace me and if you see Vinyl tell her I loved her" he died right then and there. the others dug a hole and placed his body inside.

"He was a good friend" FlutterBaker said.

"A true friend indeed" Candy Star said.

"I wish I was a better friend to him" Rainbow Racer said.

"He always helped me" Fencer said about to cry.

"he always helped me kill ponies and bake them into cupcakes and eat them with me and OH WHY COULDN'T BE ME?!?!?!?!??!" Pinkie Guy said and started crying.

"We will all miss him" Candy Star said and started putting dirt on the body. Once it was done everypony went home except Pinkie Guy he stayed there, crying all night long. The next morning the others came back and saw him there still crying.

"it's over" Candy Star said "but I maybe be able to bring him back" he was thinking.

"DO IT" said Pinkie Guy.

"Okay Okay" Candy Star said as he lifted the dead body of AppleCade out of the grave.

"I hope this works" he uses his magic to try and bring him back and then THE BODY EXPLODED blood went everywhere in their manes in their tails and bones hit them all in the face.

"IM SO SORRY" Candy Star said crying.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU CANDY STAR" Pinkie Guy grabbed his knife and chased him.

"PLEASE STOP I'M YOUR FRIEND" Candy Star said running around completely oblivious to knowing he could use magic to stop Pinkie Guy.

"I NO FRIENDS" said Pinkie Guy. the Candy Star not being oblivious anymore used his magic and made Pinkie Guy fall asleep...just the AppleCade's brother came running up to the.m

"Have you guys seen my brother he was going to help me try and get my cutiemark today" said the little colt.

"Uhhhhhh...no?" said Candy Star/

"oh okay thanks anyway" he ran off.

"I hope this was a dream because if this is real I will-" AppleCade woke up.

"What in the hay was that?...ugh another nightmare I really need to stop drinking milkshakes before bed...oh well" he went back to sleep.

Author's Note:

Hey! Uhmm I just want to say that tho took me an entire night to come up with and I hope you enjoy/enjoyed it :) sorry for not a lot of cannon charters I just wanted to write about my, my cousins, and my friends OC's :) and also it's my first one so I hope I did good and hope everypony liked it okay bye :)

Comments

[Hclegend]

Okay. Just. What. Once again, you didn't establish your OCs, so I still have no idea who the hell these ponies are, besides the fact that they're a ripoff of the Mane 6. I mean, literally copy and pasted with different names and possibly a swapped gender (It's hard to tell.) This plot is just all over the place. Applecade gets kissed, passes out and misses his chores so he gets whipped by his parents then dies in hospital, then his friends try necromancy but explode his corpse... Then it was all a dream. Wonderful. The few canon characters you do use are barely in the story and probably should haven't been in at all. The grammar and writing is... Atrocious. Please get an editor or a proofreader, because I couldn't actually read more than a paragraph without getting an aneurysm. Hell, a spellchecking program would do.
I know I'm being harsh here, but I criticized your first story for many of the same issues (Not establishing OCs, bad OCs in general, horrific spelling and grammar, pointless killing...) and you haven't improved at all.
Okay, that's a lie. You've improved slightly. You wrote a story, not just a random mesh of scenes, unlike the last time.
I'm not going to say you should get off of FimFiction. I'm not an asshole, it's just that, as a critic I'm very disappointed that you didn't take my advice on board. Please listen to me this time, because I don't want to write another negative review for your story.
Before you say I don't have to write a review, it wouldn't feel right disliking your story and not telling you why I didn't like it. That's just not helping anyone.
Rating: Exploded corpse/10

[AppleCade_The_Earth_Pony]

6192632 well I was kind of tired I wrote this around 1-5 in the morning...so I created this...I have no idea what I was thinking but that's because I was tired and also I'm used to hate so it doesn't really bother me I just learn from you guys and it helps me so thanks...

also can you tell me a proofreader... my computer doesn't have one...

[Hclegend]

6193174 Notepad ++ is a good writing application that comes with a spell checker.

[AppleCade_The_Earth_Pony]

6194070 thanks

[Hclegend]

6194166 Welcome! I wrote my newest story on it and it works wonders!

[AppleCade_The_Earth_Pony]

6194194 cool

[Lunar Dusk]

This doesn't even deserve of more reviewing than what 6192632 did, so kudoos to him. 0/20. At least it was in english, or at the least something resembling english. Otherwise...

[Hclegend]

6195765 I'm one of the insane few.

[Lunar Dusk]

6195774 At least you didn't do like that dumbass Lunar Dusk who wrote over 2000 words reviewing a 1.5k word fic, which he PMed to an unknown author who never even responded. And he did it twice. F**king dumbass.

[AppleCade_The_Earth_Pony]

6198121 at this point I really don't care to much about...well writing I just want to talk with my sister >_>