A new colt has showed up in Ponyville, his name is Perfect Pitch, he is gray, has a blue mane with an even lighter blue streak in it, and no Cutie mark. He has no inspiration until he meets a filly...whose name is Sweetie Belle, she has had her fair share of singing experience and her fair share of loss, when the two meet, what will happen to the both of them?
A sequel to Chronicles of Ponyville High School: Razor's story
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I can already hear the people running after you for making this about a OC with tags like those. hohohoh.
and then Razor comes back to life when they start to fall in love THE END! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Sweetie_Belle_lolface.png
628785 e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/trollface.png that's what i saw in this lol but i will read it
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Derpy_Hooves.png 628790
i like were this is going dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Sweetie_Belle.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Sweetie_Belle_lolface.png man so exited but if those lines are to make the chapter longer watch out there going to perma ban that stuff dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Queen_Chrysalis.png
628881 They aren't, I don't cheat like that
628897 okay then just making sure dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_rainbowderp_flip.png
Yes I am liking the new story... :)
This story seems to be progressing hella fast but that's my only complaint about it. Keep it up my friend, I look forward to more material.
Please don't break razors heart or I will mke you suffer *smiles*
Hi, remember me. I'm going to be following you with this because I believe that you have potential and all you need is some good old fashioned brutal constructive criticism
and some work on your part
First things first RED FLAG ON PERFECT PITCH he is very quickly starting to show mary sue/author avatar traits. and thats bad. you need to give him some characterization. Always keep in mind that characters need to feel human (well humanized ponies in this case) and people are not perfect, you need to give him some flaws, better yet, show that he has flaws, through his actions. Which brings us to...
Show dont tell: instead of saying
"she began to cry" instead give us
"Her eyes began to shimmer as tears pooled against her cheeks before running down her face"
See what I did there, instead of telling us she cried you need to show us that she cried. this helps build the image in our head and is very important when you need to tug the heartstrings. This should be the creed of anything you write
Details Details and most importantly Details: reading this story i am imagining two ponies in a white void flapping their mouths and words are being said. (and every now and then they hug or something) set up a background and have the characters move around. this is also why everything always feels rushed, Before we can picture what is happening in our heads, something else has already happened. This is closely tied to 'show, don't tell'. A good way to do this is ask yourself: What is happening in this scene? How did they get there? Why are they doing this? How are they doing this. picture the scene in your head, then ask yourself 'how you would tell it to a complete stranger' (Because that's exactly what writing is)
Your missing opportunity's for characterization: What happened between school and the Carousel Boutique? Did they teleport there? Was it just a long awkward silence? Why didn't they get to know eachother more? That could have been used for so much, you'd be surprised at what a fifteen minute conversation can reveal about someone. Never miss a moment. if you see a part were nothing is happening but something could be happening, make something happen. I'm not saying every second of the day need to be recorded, but if you can find a blank spot that would make a nice opportunity for this, that, or the other. Use it
And last but not least: you really need to stop with the songs. nothing destroys immersion like a real world reference. i can see that your going for a singing thing here, but you should not use real songs, or have characters sing real song ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU WRITE DOWN THE LYRICS TO SAID SONG
This conveys that you are 1. Lazy and padding your fic to meet the word limit 2. Are not creative enough to think of something yourself so you take advantage of other artists work to achieve something your can't. (which is not true i know how creative you can be) I'm not saying that you need to write a whole original song, I'm saying that there are better ways to show us that their singing. Remember Show, don't tell Show that they are singing, and show the emotions being felt while they are singing, you'll get the message across.
Take this to heart and in stride and you can be a better author yet
Side note: all thing mentioned above tend to make a fic longer and therefore, appearing more Professional and more thought out to someone that looks at word count (Always remember that this isn't always true, it still needs to be well thought out)
634605 on the songs.... I Just made his voice sound like J rice, nothing more
You also used J rice's songs, Wrote down his lyrics and provided a link to his YouTube account. Even if that wasn't down right plagiarism. The reasons I started before still apply. It wasn't about him sounding like J rice. It was about you using J rice
635769 Not to me, I love his covers and his origonal music, in fact, i listen to it a lot when I write this
I like J rice as much as the next dude but your really missing the point. I don't mind when you link music to provide ambiance. But when the characters are singing real songs and your providing the lyrics in the story it breaks any immersion.
Immersion is when you're reading a story and find yourself no longer seeing words and start unconsciously imagining the story in your head. Its what keeps people interested and wanting to know what happens next. and nothing breaks it like a real world reference like a song or a meme. Especially when it fells like padding and filler
It... shall be finished?.... Yes!
Will this story get finished?
ya are you still working on this story? just wondering