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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Nice to see another chapter from this story. It's curious as to why Celestia acts so different from the Alicorn King and Queen and the new antagonist seems promising. Hope the next chapter comes soon.
6184099 Yeah i keep getting that, I wanted a characters thought process to be emphasized more than a normal story. However people are complaining about it considerably, at this rate I might just go back through and change it, but not today.
A couple thoughts: mind your tenses, as you've slipped between present and past tense, here and there; also, usually it's best to spell out numbers in prose (as opposed to using digits), unless they're particularly long and complex.
6184381 Yeah, I have been having that problem writing. I wanted to get this chapter out tonight, ill look it over in the morning. But as for the second part I thought that I found all of the numbers I used, ill fix that immediately
6184381 Was the tense issue throughout or just this chapter? I always miss some of them.
6184417 Just Chapter 4 that I noticed, at least.
This reminds me of the Ice Cream Angler Fish from The Spongebob Squarepants Movie.
img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110819195007/spongebob/images/7/7e/SBSPTM_Anglerfish3.png
6185844 I can see that, but I believe the monster of my own creation to be far more horrifying.
That monster was creepy af tho
Pre-read Comment:
Good God, the name make's me think Asura from Asura's Wrath. I really hope I'm right.
The first thing that came to mind about the new antagonist was the Zerg Swarm for some reason, thats not a bad thing tough.
6187156 Dear god I hope he can go to that length of rage.
6184427 I I just edited chapter 4, I think I got the tense errors out. If you reread it at some point and see any I might have missed, please point it out to me.
Thanks for reading!
I also changed from bold to italicized
6187979
One issue you seem to be having continuously is the incorrect form of 'your'. I suggest you look back at all instances of this word. If the word can be replaced with "you are" than it should be "you're" not "your".
oh you muther-bucker! of all the traits the monster at the end could have had, it had to be the most terrifying. Claw? meh. sharp teeth? meh. imitation capabilities? that's creepy psychological warfare, nightmare fuel. oh well, now all we have to do is throw wrath on it.
Is it me or does the monster sound like a lictor from warhammer 40k? This pleases me Also what about his promise to Cadance I thought he was going to be her body guard. I'm intrigued that you are presenting the princesses' parents as dicks that's a first for me. I also wonder where wrath comes from since he didn't Know what a hostipal is, hope you answer these questions.
That... doesn't seem right.
I'm glad there were reprecussions to the main character's actions though, and that the story doesn't look like it's going to change genres now that Chrysalis is dead.
While no where near yet to make it on my top 10, this is so far interesting, the text flows well enough when you read it and an okay overall sens of pacing. The "blood magic" as its describe so far remind me a lot of hellsing and alucard.
I repeatably cringe at his name i must confess, it docent ring well when when pronounced it more sound like a name on would have on there world of Warcraft character. As a title it sound better "the kings/queen wrath" etc or as a nick name earned during a the war.
Even in media like starwars where you have names like plagueis, Tyranus, scourge, and Bane its usually a play on words ("plagueis " "plague") and names taken symbolically to reflect there new insight/worldwide.
I hope there is similar back story here and preferably a name change, i just cringe/chuckle when i read it spoken as a name directly addressing him.
The opening premise i must praise for while not a novel concept exactly it is handles in a way it feels like it,
the end of this chapter give me pause however i fear the direction this will be going is as clear and predictable as daylight.
Have him live with one of the 6 pony protagonists, him living quietly(or attempting to) for some time a while introducing slice of life aspects. insert attempt's at humor, and perhaps work for at a certain farm to earn his living.
It all culminating the end when hes embraced this new life of peace and made a circle of friends he will be forced to help defeat this new threat that was hinted at above.
The short summery above details a far far to often used story line that is so transparent it is frankly boring,
when new elements are not introduced I hope this will not fall in to that pit
*Snicker* Oh, wait, that was supposed to be sad? Uhhh, not used to blood *giggle*. These are totally not tears of laughter and/or joy.
... Non-existent that they were.
"Vicious," not "Viscous."
Viscous means gooey and sticky.
Thus far, the king and queen's selfishness and greed are merely informed attributes with no detail--- whereas we've seen the protagonist's incredibly violent nature. You might want him to present actual evidence of crimes on their part, beyond imprisoning an obviously dangerous blood-fueled berserker.
Some things are better left a mistery.
6770118 He did accidentally kill one of his allied soldiers in the midst of his blood lust fueled rampage.
I can't help but imagine the monster is a purple xenomorph, with an altered reproductive cycle.
Also, the change in tense was rather abrupt and jarring, and a lot of your phrasing is very awkward, but you are still improving from the initial chapters, and you definitely have some lovely descriptions, especially when describing eldritch-esque entities and situations,
7137201 Aliens!!! Horray
7034272 When enlisting the help of someone named Wrath, well it should't exactly be unexpected
7034272
Eternity in darkness for killing some of your fellow soldiers? I think this be a tad excessive.
so. was that a tyranid/genestealer, a zerg, or a Xenomorph?
8370683
nope it's called a maiden (it's just it's nickname due to the voice)