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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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A great introduction to your story Enternal, but allow me to point out a few things that made this first chapter a bit rocky:
1) There were occasional punctuation errors such as missed periods, capitalization errors, and a lack of commas to conclude a person's dialogue. Here are two examples of such mistakes:
There needs to be a comma after "perfect".
Shining is a name, and therefore a proper noun. Proper nouns are capitalized.
2) My immersion was broken by the displays of telling and not showing.
This right here was the biggest culprit of telling vs. showing. You could have easily put this into the text without straight up telling the reader who was speaking or thinking. You could have described Cadence in appearance and thoughts, along with telling of her recent memories and her surroundings to give the reader enough information to realize who the character was.
I'm fairly certain a number of readers would have understood if you had described a pink alicorn who was sent to the Chrystal Caverns after recently having her wedding in Canterlot crashed by an army of insects.
This is another example of telling instead of showing. This could have easily been incorporated into the sentence itself as the transition as opposed to being directly pointed out on its own, in my opinion.
3) Last, but certainly not least, was the last paragraph. I had to literally force myself to read through the wall of text despite its word count being relatively small. Walls of text are intimidating to behold and can cause readers to lose interest, as I almost did, as they come across as amateurish and grating to the mind; especially in the first chapter. A simple remedy for this error would be to go back through and divide the big block of text into separate, smaller paragraphs.
This is all I had to say that was particularly negative about the story, though. Even though it seems to be cut of the same cloth as Machinations in the Dark thus far, the background is rather interesting and I cannot wait to see how you expand upon it. You have gotten a like for this fact alone, so do not make me regret it.
I find myself anticipating with great enthusiasm how the characters will interact with one another, but I still think that you should have given them each their own respective chapters to develop their individual personalities and thoughts a little more before diving into the plot.
The world you have created has a lot of potential, and I expect you to use that to your advantage. This is quite a great story, though, for someone who's never written before, so do not feel discouraged at my criticism, for it is meant to help you rectify your mistakes and make you a better writer in the long run so that you may tell the greatest story you can. This is more quality than I've seen in quite a few of the more "popular" stories in this site so far, to be truthful. So it is with these parting words that I must bid you adieu, Enternal. See you in the next installment!
6121725 Thank you so much! I will edit the first chapter as per your suggestion, mostly. And I can see the similarities between this and machinations in the dark, they will not last I assure you.
6123676 Glad I could help, bro. Good luck with the rest of this story!
6124194 The first chapter has been updated, and I think it is much better than the original.
If you get the time please give it a read.
6124324 This is a noticeable improvement. I love how you fleshed out Cadence's anger (she's quite the potty-mouthed princess, ain't she?) and allowed that to factor into her finding the chambers. Great job, bro!
6123676 There is a lack of a period after the last sentence.
This story captured my attention, and I ellected to read it. However, I feel like this chapter could use some work... it feels cluttered to me, and there are some missing commas and full stops. But other then that, this looks like an interesting story.
Good job.
A+ for effort.
Good work! I like it thus far. Although, you need a space between paragraphs.
6217283 Whoa! A non-aggravated or aggressory comment from you! Have a thumbs up because I agree with you.
You've missed some parts, including end quotations here:
You should have quotations surrounding the entire sentence, or it turns the rest of the chapter into Lovebutt narrating.
6153654 fancy meeting you here from all the other fics iv'e seen you on.
6128515 Pretty sure that's intentional, between the line break between the last line and the second last line when there isn't any breaks in the rest of the chapter, as well as the lack of capitalisation at the start of the line.
As far as formatting goes though, double-check that you indent everything because there are some things you missed. Also, the repeated use of large fonts and all-capitals doesn't really endear the story to me. OK read otherwise.
>stairs so long that Cadence had to nap twice on the way down
[img] https://derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/10/12/446844__safe_solo_twilight+sparkle_animated_the+crystal+empire_loop_stairs.gif[/img]
[img] https://derpicdn.net/img/2012/11/16/153484/large.png[/img]
Hmm, I get the distinct impression the crystal palace is likely to be undergoing some minor renovations when Cadence arrives.
pick one or the other
he did what needed to be done.
This is why Cadence isn't the princess of priorities... or marriage.
Especially an exit, she was in a hurry after all. (inconsistent tense. Should be past tense)
I have a suspicion as to the identity off the culprit and you'll be seeing him in about 7 months. Be on the look-out for his gak minions in the meantime
as they lay on the ground (for better flow)
Good but Allstar is right about the corrections
I like it