cancelled

by nick12212

waking up

Where am I? I think to myself as I start to open my eyes. I look around as I gather my bearings. all around me there are plains with a single path cutting through them. How did I end up here? I ask myself. The only problem is I can't really remember much. It looks like its about to be night soon, so I decide to head off along the path with no real goal in mind. After a time I begin to see houses and lights in the distance. It looks like a comfortable village. Maybe someone there can help me figure things out. I look behind me to see that the sun has almost set.Iit will be cold and dark soon. I shiver at the thought and continue to make my way to the village. As I near the outskirts of the town I see a sign.

"Ponyville" I say. "Maybe someone can help me here" as I walk through the streets I notice that everypony seems to have already gone inside. As I don't exactly relish the idea of knocking on some random ponys door and asking for help I continue looking for somepony who is still outside. I slowly arrive at a cottage on a hill where there is a yellow pony with a pink mane tending to some animals. oh thank celestia maybe she can help me I trot over to her

"excuse me ma'am? do you think you could help me?" she looks towards me then away, hiding in her hair. "I'm sorry to be a bother but I have nowhere to stay for the night and I was hoping that you might have a spare room?" she gives a small whimper and continues to look at me through her hair. *what is up with this mare?* "um let me introduce myself, my name is Skylar guardian, what is your name?" I swear she looks like she about to cry as she makes another squeak. " I'm sorry I didn't catch that" she retreated a step

"my name is fluttershy" she whispered.

"did you say fluttershy?" I ask. she nods. true to her name I see. "well is there a shed or something that I might could sleep in for the night? I have some bits I can give you" she continues to look at me, still hiding in her hair. slowly she raises a hoof and points in the direction of a tool shed. "thank you" i said trotting over to the shed. its fairly well kempt. she brought me out a pillow and some blankets. I thanked her and played down to go to sleep as she left. as soon as I closed my eyes I was out.

As I woke up I heard the sound of the tool shed door opening. "Umm.. there's some breakfast in the cottage if you are hungry" a shy voice said. " just come in when your ready... if that's okay I mean" "ghrfl" is my only response. I hear the door shut as she returns to the cottage. Still half asleep, I start to make my way to the cottage. As I pass through the yard I see all kinds of little critters scurrying about. *does she just let them run around?* I come up to her home and open the door to see a little white bunny standing right behind the threshold. *cute bunny* I think to myself. Fluttershy walks in to the living room.

"Oh don't mind my little angel. He wouldn't hurt a fly" she says. Looking at the death glare he is giving me I start to wonder if that's true. Still... can't be all that bad, after all what could a little bunny like him do?

Suddenly there is a growling noise. Fluttershy gasps and hurriedly flys into the kitchen. I start to look for the source of the noise until I realise what is growling. Oh my it seems like I'm hungrier than I thought. I walk into the kitchen to fund fluttershy flying in a corner with her hooves over her head. "Its alright fluttershy you can come down" I say to the scared mare., "it was just my stomach growling". She slowly moves her hooves away from her head

"o-ok" she manages to say. She lands near the table and looks at breakfast. On the table are pancakes with various berries and syrup, bluberry muffins, some eggs, and some apple juice. "I hope you like it" she says with a small smile "dig in" gotta say that phrase was a big mistake.

I would like to say that I ate like a fairly civilized gentlecolt. I really really would like to be able to say that. Is it were I ate more like a starving timber wolf who hadn't found a meal in days than anything even resembling civilzed. Smooth... anyway as I'm just finishing my 3rd helping (what? She cooks a mean pancake!) The shy made in front of me spoke up softly. Huh I'd kinda forgot about her. "Ummm.... so mister Skyler sir why were you wandering about with no where to sleep? Are you far from home?" The question catches me off guard. I stop eating and look at her for a moment as I gather my thoughts.

"Honestly I don't really know. The only thing I can really remember is waking up next to a path in a field of grass." She looks at me with a worried expression.

"You don't remember anything at all? Like where you lived or where any of your family is?" I shake my head.

"No. I don't even know if iv got family out there." I said.

"oh you poor thing" she said looking at me with concerned eyes. "I wish I could help..." she looked out the window, an idea forming in her mind. "I know, me and the girls are meeting in the park for a picnic. Why don't you cone with me and meet the girls and we will see if they can help?" I tapped my hoof on my jaw thinking it over.

"Yea sure why not. Maybe they can help" I could only hope she was right

Author's Note:

[

ATTENTION!!

To anyone who does not like my story. Fear not for this abomination born of sheer laziness shall be promptly scrapped in order to make room for what I hope will be a better story. I gave my character amnesia, out of laziness BC I didn't think of his origins beforehand. Stay tuned as Skyler will be new and improved, memory intact shortly

Comments

[ShadowblazeCR]

The life of skyler gaurdian,

skyler gaurdian,

gaurdian,

,

i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/173/576/Wat8.jpg?1315930535

[Normal]

Ooooooh, amnesia! I forget where I've read about that before.

[ShadowblazeCR]

Just so you know why I added this to the Bin and I can justify it. Here's all the errors I found in one paragraph.

*Where am I?*

-This should be in italics.
-A comma should be after it too.

all around me there are plains with a single path cutting through them.

-All should be capitalized.

*how did I end up here?*

-This should be in italics.
-A comma should be after it too.

the only problem is I can't really remember much.

-The should be capitalized.

it looks like its about to be night soon

-It should b capitalized.
-There should be a quote in the middle of it and the -s.

after a time I begin to see houses and lights in the distance.

-After should be capitalized.

it looks like a homely village.

-It should be capitalized.
-Homely is only a word in your imagination.

*maybe someone there can help me figure things out.*

-This should be in italics.

it will be cold and dark soon.

-It should be capitalized.

as I near the outskirts of the town I see a sign.

-As should be capitalized.

And those are just the easy errors in the paragraph. There's plot and formatting problems and other, more finite, errors in the story.

[Hurgusburgus]

media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdm1agxFHI1r4dgde.png

The criteria for successfully passing moderation should really be more strict.

[nick12212]

6101619
Thank you for pointing that out, lol I completely missed that. Going back to fix it now

[nick12212]

6101676
I believe it should be known I'm comepletly open to constructive criticism. If you have ideas or advice I'll listen to it

[Chicago Ted]

I take it you're new here?

[Fallen Prime]

who has lost his memory, as well as his cutie mark

Sounds like he stumbled into Ourtown first. The only pony we can confirm has the ability to remove cutie marks is Starlight Glimmer.

I'm guessing you didn't THINK of a cutie mark for your OC before you started writing about him, and the plot is built to excuse that. That's paradoxically putting a lot of effort into being lazy.

[nick12212]

6102664
Yes and actually I was about to address that issue. I'm scrapping this in exchange for a more thought out story. I didn't like the amnesia from the start and like it even less now.

[Spaisugaru]

Dude. Stop.

[nick12212]

6102662
Yes what gave it away? Total inexperience in writing a story? :) if you have good writing advice to give I'm all ears

[Chicago Ted]

6102716
Well, lemme see here. . . .

This is a "Self-insert" (a story where the author inserts himself into the story), if your avatar and cover image is any clue. Around these parts, those are generally frowned upon.

" just come in when your ready... if that's okay I mean" "ghrfl" is my only response.

--Don't space out that first quotation mark here.
--Capitalize the first word in a quotation.
--Don't neglect punctuation at the end of a quotation.
--New speaker, new paragraph. No exceptions.
Therefore, that should read:

"Just come in when your ready... if that's okay I mean."

"Ghrfl" is my only response.

Actually, now that I mention it, you seriously need to spend some more time with the shift key. Take it on a date someplace-- like the movies, for instance, or a long walk on the beach (assuming you live near one). Take this paragraph, for instance:

"did you say fluttershy?" I ask. she nods. true to her name I see. "well is there a shed or something that I might could sleep in for the night? I have some bits I can give you" she continues to look at me, still hiding in her hair. slowly she raises a hoof and points in the direction of a tool shed. "thank you" i said trotting over to the shed. its fairly well kempt. she brought me out a pillow and some blankets. I thanked her and played down to go to sleep as she left. as soon as I closed my eyes I was out.

With just the capitalization corrected, this should read:

"Did you say Fluttershy?" I ask. She nods. True to her name I see. "Well is there a shed or something that I might could sleep in for the night? I have some bits I can give you" She continues to look at me, still hiding in her hair. Slowly she raises a hoof and points in the direction of a tool shed. "Thank you" I said trotting over to the shed. Its fairly well kempt. She brought me out a pillow and some blankets. I thanked her and played down to go to sleep as she left. As soon as I closed my eyes I was out.

With everything else as well:

"Did you say Fluttershy?" I ask.

She nods. True to her name, I see.

"Well, is there a shed or something that I might could sleep in for the night? I have some bits I can give you."

She continues to look at me, still hiding in her hair. Slowly, she raises a hoof and points in the direction of a tool shed.

"Thank you," I said, trotting over to the shed.

It's fairly well kept. She brought me out a pillow and some blankets. I thanked her and played down to go to sleep as she left. As soon as I closed my eyes, I was out.

Notice that, even though Fluttershy doesn't say anything, I treat her actions as though they were dialogue.

Also, the general rule-of-thumb of paragraphing is: One idea per paragraph. This is to keep a so-called "wall of text" (a large paragraph that looks overwhelming and thus discourages readers) from appearing. Here is an example of a wall of text. (I will note that you've been doing a good job at avoiding that. Well done, in that area at least.)

This is just two paragraphs I've referenced. See if you can apply it elsewhere throughout the story.

I wish you the best of luck.

--Chicago Ted

Oh, and before I go:
makeameme.org/media/created/welcome-to-fimfiction-cg87nm.jpg

[Sdrawkcabsitxetsiht]

Oh, this isn't a trollfic?

But, in all seriousness, it's a good idea to rethink this. Amnesia is a cliché that doesn't have much depth. If your Gary Stu remembered what his life was like, moving to Ponyville and making something of himself would be extremely satisfying or super depressing.
Also, why does your OC have Griffon wings?

[nick12212]

6102778
Ah yes about that. The lowercase errors r mostly due to my glitchy phone which is about all if got to write with. And I looked over all ur suggestions. I they they will really come in handy for my next story. Especially the paragraphing bit. I was unsure if character action required paragraphing too. Thanks for all the help

[Chicago Ted]

6102790
Not at all, comrade!

[nick12212]

6102792
One last bit I'm conflicted about. Which would be better third person or first person?

[Chicago Ted]

6102811
That's entirely your decision. If you want to emphasize the amnesia, first-person would be best.

[nick12212]

6102783
Sadly no trollfic. This was a genuine attempt, albeit a lazy one

[nick12212]

6102820
I'm doing away with the amnesia. He's moving to ponyville from Manehattan instead. Memory intact

[Chicago Ted]

6102827
Nonetheless, who the narrator is is entirely up to you. You can even change the narrator between chapters!

On another note: I'm impressed how maturely you can handle criticism (unlike that one wanker). That's good. People here are bound to say their minds-- it's up to you not to react immaturely, and thus far, you've kept your cool.

I'm looking forward to seeing what you'll come up next!

[nick12212]

6102783
Oh and about the Griffin wings, well since I lack any artistic ability and don't know anyone who can draw, I had to use a pony creator app. These wings were the only wings that were extended and even close to being like pegasus wings. Also great choice of video lol. Miss that show

[Chicago Ted]

6102902

I lack any artistic ability and don't know anyone who can draw

Then click here!