Just some Touhou Brony who's become obsessed with Foxes and who wants to see you smile!
So, what has been the weirdest moment in you're life? Take your time....... done then? Well I'm sure it can't come close to mine, don't believe moi (heh French)? Then compare what has happen to you, with getting turned into a certain Bioshock 2 enemy and getting tossed into Equstria... this my story.
A displaced story.
Teen because most likely it'll get gory soon.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I love this story, great concept great plot. I don't know if u would be mad but u kinda went overboard with the POV switching but great start over all.
Grammar and Spelling. Work on the two.
6061220 Yeah there not my strong points.... I should get a proofreader.
6061223 Check the group: Looking for editors. They should be able to help you.
Oh yeah make the chapters longer. Plz. Jeez already dislikes.
6061208 Why thank you. And yeah I guess I did went overboard with the POV switchs, but hey this is my first fanfic. Also just a heads up updating will be VERY VERY SLOW. Mostly because I'm lazy....
One major thing I have to point out is: I hate it when characters that are gender swapped never flip out about suddenly being turned into a guy/girl, or at least never explain why?
6061359 Well his/her battle style is more agile the sluggish brute like a big daddy. So he/she prefers quick and powerful, so he/she will tolerate it.
6061485 Battle-style has nothing to do with gender...that doesn't even answer Ribbon's statement. If the character goes through a major physical change a.k.a gender-swap, you need to show it! Don't have the character just shrug it off.
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6062363
I've always been one to think that your physical form doesn't define who you are as a being. That being said, even I would be "I'm a girl?! Great!" I would say in frustration "Now I have to deal girl stuff and awkward situations with guy hitting on me!" Then I'd likely go into some kind of depression.
But that 'depression' is what will make me a character.
As he/she is following the mine six there's a lot of time for an internal monologue about who he/she once was, how he/she thinks about how he/she got in Equestria, and an internal conflict about his/her new gender. You skipped a lot of good story telling points for a battle with Nightmare and then didn't even give us that.
6062502 Oh? Did I reply to you? Sorry! I meant to reply to Crimsoin.
so the mane 6 are all little sisters?
6062502 A actually he/she just hasn't ask himself about that yet, it will be put on though. (Also I forgot to put on that a guy wouldn't hit on a Big Sister.
6062363 I don't mean that's how his/she defines its gender, just how it likes to fight, and he like to fight while be ok ng agile and that's the big sister's battle style and it rather not be a sluggish big daddy. So he'll tolerate it, though in future chapter this will (hopefully) be touch on.
6062607 That...that...AGH!
One, don't use more than one question mark and exclamation mark each when you're writing. It's okay on social media, but it just looks silly in a book. You could use an interrobang symbol (‽) if you want, since it's both at once, but it's hard to make it out when the text is normal sized.
Two, maybe you could separate the POVs. Put them into two sections and separate them then, so that you don't have constant switching between the two.
Also, you don't need to describe any of the Mane Six unless it's the POV of someone who doesn't know them, and even then, you don't need to specify anything like Applejack's cutie mark.
Three, whenever someone new is talking, change to a new paragraph. This is helpful to avoid chunks of text, and makes it easier to read.
You should probably read this guide on writing fanfiction, which is actually linked to when you want to edit something about the book. It has several tips on grammar and general story writing.
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I was just using that as an example, I mean he/she didn't even do some test pokes while he followed the six ponies. You know if a guy is turned into a girl he's going to do some test pokes and gropes, what self respecting man wouldn't? He just lost a part of himself for something that he's not used to.
And you know there is always that drunken idiot that'll hit on anything.
Back on topic. Don't just justify your work (not saying you shouldn't). Really try to think about what I'm trying to say, what I'm really telling you. Read the feedback I'm giving you and think about it. I am trying to help you improve your story, don't just say:
because saying this feels like an excuse when you had the perfect time to touch on it now. Unless you had a reason for shrugging it off now, and if you say something along the lines of "So we can get to the good part." I'm going skip this story in favor of something else, and I really don't want to do that.
6062555 No you didn't, I was just taking your comment into account.
6062774 I wouldn't really blame you if skipped for something else. I think I understand what you're saying.
6062678 I just reread what I said, and now I feel INCREDIBLY stupid. Sorry...
6693359 That's alright
Damn. Wish it wsan't cancelled.
6726398 I agree with you mate.
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Maybe once I finish my other ones, I'll give it a rewrite. This was kind of of a test run now that I think about, but hey maybe there's something that could be done.
8321217
Aside from being so heartwrenchingly short, I remember it being rather enjoyable...
8321255
E-enjoyable? I mean, I'm not complaining, but it's pretty bad. XD
Thank you though.
8321332
Not as good as the chaos umbreon, but that's an unfair comparison due to how much more you were able to flesh that story out due to its length...
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HALLELUJAH!!!