The Red Eyed Siren.

by Kit-San

chapter 1

My eyes opened to to a beautiful clear night sky dotted with stars and a palemoon. My first thought was 'wow what a beautiful night' as I was always a night person. Then my next was where I was. Attempting, and failing a few times, to stand UPDATE I felt as though I had a great load apone my back... and the rest of my body. Shaking my head to clear it of any dizziness left, I took note of my surrounding, and recognized nothing, other then it being a dark forest.

"Where am I?" I spoke, or a least tried to, as it came out like a metallic grunt. That's when I notice the crossbars and the portahole sealed off with glass. Shocked I looked to my hands, both covered in a familiar metal, my left arm when a large...needle is as close I can to describe it. Looking about I notice a small sparkling steam to my left, and I sprinted towards it and made it there FAR too quickly as it would normally do as I was not an athlete. Not that I cared as I stared into my reflection. A signal red portable of a Big Sister stared back at me. Now most people would freak and scream and you know what? I most people. I screamed.

(Twi's POV)

We had just crossed after Rarity had used her own tail to help repair the serpent's mustache, which I thought he was crying over nothing.... but ponies- er serpents have there own interests. I'll be honest though, when I saw Rarity raise up his scale she tore off, I thought she was going to sortie HIM. "Ah still don't understand why somepon' would worry like it's the end of Equstria when so much as a speck of dirt get on them." Applejack, a Orange Earth pony with three apples as a cutie mark, broke the silence. "Well I-" Rarity was about to respond when a terrifying scream of a something scaring all of us. All of us screamed in terror, well except for Rainbow Dash, she just just got into a battle position. We all waited to see whatever had made to noise would suddenly come out and attack us. "T-t-twilight what w-was t-hat?!" Fluttershy whispered loudly, if that is even possible. Still shaking I responded "I don't know!" loudly! We stand there awaiting for something to happen, yet nothing came.

(My POV)

My scream echoed off into the distance with the Trademark wail of a Big Sister. Then I hear Several screams of others far far to the east. 'People?' My mind shouted excitingly. Afterwards I sprinted towards the screams, now stopped. I stopped in my tracks, hidden in the shadows as I stared at the group. Amazingly they did not see my glowing portahole. Regardless I recognized them eminently. Twilight and her friends. So I'm in Equstria? What the bell is going on?!?!?!?!?!?!? Wait 'bell'???? And why are they in the forest? All these thoughts rushed into my mind, and left as quickly as I notice Rainbow Dash looking for a fight, and while holding in my laughter, the ponies picked themselves up. "Come on everyone!! We need to hurry! We have to stop Nightmare Moon!" Twilight shouted. My brain stopped right there. Nightmare Moon? Then I grined, as she would provide a tough fi- wait what? Why do I have the urge to fight something? Perhaps it is the.... pheromones??? I guess that it what. Then I notice them looking at me. Oh crap.

(Twilight's POV) As I urged the others to hurry I began to worry how much time we had left, if there was time in the beginning. But before we could could proceed, and strange metallic giggle sounded behind us. I spun around as did the girls to see a signal glowing red eye, watching us from the shadows as we stared at it in fear. After a few seconds, which felt more like hours, the... thing jumped away. Or at least I think it did, as we could only see it's eyes. "Girls? Let's get going" I said in a fearful tone, the others responding only with hurried nods. We then galloped away towards the castle. As we ran I felt as though the creature's eyes were still on me.

(My POV) After a few seconds of awkward staring I jumped away with grace, then proceeded to jump into a large tree a bit further but still able to see the girls. After Twilight said something, as I was too far to hear, they ran off towards the old castle of the two sisters. After a shortly thinking to myself, I followed the girls while keeping my distance and out of sight. I wonder what the future holds for me? What I don't want for it have, is bloodshed, on my hands. Though that may be difficult, being a big sister and all that. Behind my helmet I smirked as I remembered a certain phrase as I followed the mane 6 'Remember; big sister is always watching...' wait a minute........ aren't big sister's female? .... well it's better then a bouncer, despite how cool they can be, my battle style in video games have always been agility. Now then back to following the girls. Boy is Nightmare going to be surprised. Ah speaking of which there's the castle now. Time kick some ass!

(Twilight's POV) "The Night will last forever HAHAHAHAH" it's over.... I failed..... Equstria is doo-

SKRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIENGAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jumping through the glass was the owner of the Red Eyed creature from earlier.

(My POV) I landed myself between twilight and the dark Mare. Releaseing my needle, I stroked the blade while facing NM like a Big Sister would do. She replied with a snort and then charge at me horn lowered. Bad move. A sort Sprint and then a jump as I coked my right fist at her and prepared for battle. I wasn't going to kill her, but she didn't know that.

Author's Note:

And there we go my first chapter in my first fanfic. Please point out errors would you kindly?

Comments

[XtremeDarkLord]

I love this story, great concept great plot. I don't know if u would be mad but u kinda went overboard with the POV switching but great start over all.

[Shocks]

Grammar and Spelling. Work on the two.

[Kit-San]

6061220 Yeah there not my strong points.... I should get a proofreader.

[Shocks]

6061223 Check the group: Looking for editors. They should be able to help you.

[XtremeDarkLord]

Oh yeah make the chapters longer. Plz. Jeez already dislikes.

[Kit-San]

6061208 Why thank you. And yeah I guess I did went overboard with the POV switchs, but hey this is my first fanfic. Also just a heads up updating will be VERY VERY SLOW. Mostly because I'm lazy....

[Tattered Ribbon]

One major thing I have to point out is: I hate it when characters that are gender swapped never flip out about suddenly being turned into a guy/girl, or at least never explain why?

[Kit-San]

6061359 Well his/her battle style is more agile the sluggish brute like a big daddy. So he/she prefers quick and powerful, so he/she will tolerate it.

[The Infinity Doctor]

6061485 Battle-style has nothing to do with gender...that doesn't even answer Ribbon's statement. If the character goes through a major physical change a.k.a gender-swap, you need to show it! Don't have the character just shrug it off.

[Tattered Ribbon]

6061485
6062363
I've always been one to think that your physical form doesn't define who you are as a being. That being said, even I would be "I'm a girl?! Great!" I would say in frustration "Now I have to deal girl stuff and awkward situations with guy hitting on me!" Then I'd likely go into some kind of depression.

But that 'depression' is what will make me a character.

As he/she is following the mine six there's a lot of time for an internal monologue about who he/she once was, how he/she thinks about how he/she got in Equestria, and an internal conflict about his/her new gender. You skipped a lot of good story telling points for a battle with Nightmare and then didn't even give us that.

[The Infinity Doctor]

6062502 Oh? Did I reply to you? Sorry! I meant to reply to Crimsoin.

[1020853]

so the mane 6 are all little sisters?

[Kit-San]

6062502 A actually he/she just hasn't ask himself about that yet, it will be put on though. (Also I forgot to put on that a guy wouldn't hit on a Big Sister.

[Kit-San]

6062363 I don't mean that's how his/she defines its gender, just how it likes to fight, and he like to fight while be ok ng agile and that's the big sister's battle style and it rather not be a sluggish big daddy. So he'll tolerate it, though in future chapter this will (hopefully) be touch on.

[The Infinity Doctor]

6062607 That...that...AGH!

[PrincessOfTheEnd]

One, don't use more than one question mark and exclamation mark each when you're writing. It's okay on social media, but it just looks silly in a book. You could use an interrobang symbol (‽) if you want, since it's both at once, but it's hard to make it out when the text is normal sized.

Two, maybe you could separate the POVs. Put them into two sections and separate them then, so that you don't have constant switching between the two.
Also, you don't need to describe any of the Mane Six unless it's the POV of someone who doesn't know them, and even then, you don't need to specify anything like Applejack's cutie mark.

Three, whenever someone new is talking, change to a new paragraph. This is helpful to avoid chunks of text, and makes it easier to read.

You should probably read this guide on writing fanfiction, which is actually linked to when you want to edit something about the book. It has several tips on grammar and general story writing.

[Tattered Ribbon]

6062602
6062607
I was just using that as an example, I mean he/she didn't even do some test pokes while he followed the six ponies. You know if a guy is turned into a girl he's going to do some test pokes and gropes, what self respecting man wouldn't? He just lost a part of himself for something that he's not used to.

And you know there is always that drunken idiot that'll hit on anything.

Back on topic. Don't just justify your work (not saying you shouldn't). Really try to think about what I'm trying to say, what I'm really telling you. Read the feedback I'm giving you and think about it. I am trying to help you improve your story, don't just say:

So he'll tolerate it, though in future chapter this will (hopefully) be touch on.

because saying this feels like an excuse when you had the perfect time to touch on it now. Unless you had a reason for shrugging it off now, and if you say something along the lines of "So we can get to the good part." I'm going skip this story in favor of something else, and I really don't want to do that.

6062555 No you didn't, I was just taking your comment into account.

[Kit-San]

6062774 I wouldn't really blame you if skipped for something else. I think I understand what you're saying.

[Kit-San]

6062678 I just reread what I said, and now I feel INCREDIBLY stupid. Sorry...

[The Infinity Doctor]

6693359 That's alright

[Flutters Is Shy]

Damn. Wish it wsan't cancelled.

[Dr_Tornado]

6726398 I agree with you mate.

[Kit-San]

8080429

6726398
Maybe once I finish my other ones, I'll give it a rewrite. This was kind of of a test run now that I think about, but hey maybe there's something that could be done.

[Flutters Is Shy]

8321217
Aside from being so heartwrenchingly short, I remember it being rather enjoyable...

[Kit-San]

8321255
E-enjoyable? I mean, I'm not complaining, but it's pretty bad. XD

Thank you though.

[Flutters Is Shy]

8321332
Not as good as the chaos umbreon, but that's an unfair comparison due to how much more you were able to flesh that story out due to its length...

[Dr_Tornado]

8321217
HALLELUJAH!!!