- Member Since 17th Feb, 2015
- offline last seen Apr 6th, 2016
Sailor_Pluto
You know what they say. When life gives you lemons, sell all of your grandma's jewelry and go clubbin'.
Sailor_Pluto
Joined 17th Feb, 2015 ·
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- Sailor_Pluto · 644 words · 12 0 · 390 views
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1. This was a good little thing. Message was not very likable though
2. Hell no. I hate it when people try suicide.
3. I'm not sure if I want to dislike or thumbs up...
Okay, looking at the like:dislike ratio, I feel like I should leave a comment.
I don't think the dislikes are for the writing. It's fine. I think it's more the fact that she killed herself for not much of a reason, and you didn't really build up any emotion or anything. It was just "Sunset was sad, so she killed herself." Pretty emotionless. Sure, you tell us that she's sad, but the story itself doesn't really make me sad.
Said every brony ever
But in all seriousness this is crap, you can tell you did the whole dream thing just to desperately pad this out. Here's a little tip though (for everyone) if you're writing a story about depression and suicide, and you're struggling to make 1000 words, you probably don't know the first thing about what you're writing about and anything you publish will probably end up offending anyone who does.
Also don't use coloured writing, I don't even know why that's an option, I've never seen it used well
I enjoyed it up until
It seems petty, and kind of not very logical. After all, if Sunset stayed... then pony Twilight never would've gone to human world. I guess, it's not very clear... if it's human-Twilight, then why should she care about Sunset's blessing and why would it hurt Sunset so specifically; if it's pony-Twilight, it's not like she could stay with Flash in the human world anyway.
Then, my next real gripe is that she has such grandiose assumptions of what-would-have-been, but ends up being lovesick over Flash... it just doesn't line up and in the end read like she was grasping for reasons to jump, more of a silly young schoolgirl than an ambitious mage. What the hell is Flash doing at the bridge in the middle of the night anyway? To stir up more drama.
Then, the dream was kind of a nice touch, but it had the opposite effect from what I was expecting; she did say she changed her mind after all. I don't know, I'm conflicted.
I enjoyed the sentence structure and even the style of writing, but it was a bit lacking for me in the feels department.
6061990 I kind of like the short "sweet" end-it-all stories, sometimes not being bogged down with details is chilling in the most delightful of ways... particularly since there's no room for the padding.
The writing really isn't bad, but the reason for committing suicide is. Yes, suicide should really stay out of stories, but if they are done right, they can do it no problem. This story did not execute good emotion on Shimmer's part. There should be a good reason to wanna kill yourself, I feel left out sometimes, but I don't try to kill myself over it.
Man... Now I ship sunflash.
I have to agree with what the others have said. This is not well-written at all. Your pacing is way too fast and leaves no room to develope the characters to any believable extent. Sunset's reasoning for wanting to take her life is shallow and frankly offensive. Twilight is dating Flash Sentry, it makes her sad, so she decides to just up and jump off a bridge? Did you really take any time to flesh this out and come up with any believable reason why she would be driven this far?
I apologize if this sounds rude, but you really should consider completely rewriting this.