This Rose Is Wilting

theguysaidhi

theguysaidhi #1 · Jun 3rd, 2015 · · 1 ·

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Very short. Do something more with it.

Pankrazius

Pankrazius #2 · Jun 3rd, 2015 · 1 · ·

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Hmm. A bit rough at the edges I think.
But it would make a great intro-chapter for a longer running story.

Some things bother me:

When Rose and Caramel are this close - how did it happen, that she don't know about him being away since a long time? I mean Ponyville seems to be a one-horse-town (pun intended) where everyone knows everyone.

Then - taxes or no taxes - I think the ponies are quite helpful. So if they witness a house burning down, I would assume, that most of them would help repairing it or build a new one. The same goes for the starspider infestation you mentioned earlier. I mean - If she just had asked Fluttershy to talk to them...

And one thing from personal experience: You aren't poor as gardener. (you probably won't be rich - but you won't be poor also) Especially in a world where flowers and food are a exchangeable thing.

So the idea - tragic event forcing Rose to leave, just before Caramel would come to the rescue - is appealing. But the setup lacks on plausibility.

And one thing: If you don't know a good name for a chapter - in case of a one-shot use the title. Or call it Chapter 1. But a point is... inconvenient to click.

All in all, I like the idea - and I see potential for a good multi-chapter-adventure. Caramel deserves more attention. And Rose is one of my favorite characters.

Fapman

Fapman #3 · Jun 3rd, 2015 · · ·

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"Author's Note:
Written a year ago. And it's not very good."
It's very good you faggot.
I want more.
Gib me moar!

Sailor_Pluto

Sailor_Pluto #4 · Jun 3rd, 2015 · 1 · ·

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6052555
Well, with language like that, I don't think I'll write any more.

Nah, just kidding. This is getting a sequel.

Sailor_Pluto

Sailor_Pluto #5 · Jun 3rd, 2015 · 1 · ·

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6052553
Yeah, I know this isn't how Ponyville would normally work. But I needed it to be this way so things would turn out like they did with Caramel. Sorry, I should have clarified that. I'm so silly.

PegaSeraph

PegaSeraph #6 · Jun 3rd, 2015 · · ·

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And it's not very good.

why would you say that about yourself? this is good
sequel?

Sailor_Pluto

Sailor_Pluto #7 · Jun 3rd, 2015 · 1 · ·

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6052736
Yes yes, there's going to be a sequel. It's called Caramel's Quest.

Piecemeal Pony

Piecemeal Pony #8 · Jun 3rd, 2015 · · ·

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Way to just leave the poor guy in the dirt, Daisy.

Uhm, this was...good. It definitely has potential, but its problems do weigh it down quite a bit. I'd just be reiterating Pankrazius' comment if I described it all, so I'll just say this:

More, please? With some polish and grease, this could be a really good multi-chapter adventure.