- Member Since 3rd Jul, 2014
- offline last seen Tuesday
Mischievous Blue
For the starlight, for the twilight, for the distant fate of us all. For the sunlight, for the moonlight, she will fight the battle of time.
Sequels1
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Mischievous Blue · 12k words · 39 17 · 1.8k views
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Sort of meh. Nice scene, but Vinyl was entirely too... rapey. Could have been much better had you run it longer. Five or six chapters of slow introduction.
this feels like it needs a gaurd sequel. probably should have been a bit longer.
It was a good clopfic, especially a first one. My constructive criticism/observations are that there was an awful lot of buildup to a fairly short "clop" section. Of an 8000 word story, 6000 was all build-up. That ratio is quite skewed for a one-shot fic that isn't gonna build any farther.
Secondly, Vinyl WAS a quite rapey in this story, as another reader noticed. If that was your intent, that's fine, but you should be aware that that was the tone. If Vinyl's actions were meant to be rape, then Octavia started enjoying herself much too quickly to really be believable. Either she should have struggled/resisted more (if rape/force was the intended theme) or internal dialogue should have shown that she was into it (if she was meant to secretly actually want it).
My suggestion is to clarify the dynamic between the two (did Vinyl full-on rape Octavia or did she just give Octavia what she wanted) and to either tone down the introduction or add more chapters that further explore Octavia's new-found sexuality. You set up quite a little world here, with dominatrix Vinyl, kinky Twilight, and a BDSM black market. It would be a shame to not do anything more with that world-building. I would like to see more, anyway.
Overall, I say a 7/10. I say to write more.
Hm... if I had to complain i'd say it feels unfinished. The payoff doesn't reflect what we took to get to it and the ending feels like something more is going to happen but you won't show it to us. It's a nagging feeling.