- Member Since 22nd Apr, 2015
- offline last seen Oct 22nd, 2015
captainjakedizzy
I am going to make good fanfics and clopfics
captainjakedizzy
Joined 22nd Apr, 2015 ·
Offline
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Only one comment on the story and you deleted it? That's not a good sign...
Wow that was quick. I like the story only because it was hilarious.
Also this story is probably made by a perverted child. Lol
Lel. Weird yet nasty.
You're 12, aren't you?
[quoteAlso this is my first fanfic/clopfic]We know. Every single person that sees your profile does too. Do you newbies really think it isn't that obvious?
I’m at least glad some people like my story
5908322 Still, it sucks.
5909450 That is hurtful, but those 8 people that like it are cool.
good story, but bad grammar, but I like sweetie-mash stories.
Hmm. . . . either you are very young, or English is not your native language.
The grammar made it hard to read, but I enjoyed it.
5904522 I can see why you hate. It is because your stories have not even 30 or more likes and the only one that does has 120 or so dislikes.
5926135 Are you being serious right now? I downvoted this fanfic due to the complete suspension of reality, poor grammar, the clichéd romance, and the poor pacing and storytelling in general. My stories are irrelevant.
5926150 This is supposed to be cliche and as I said it is my first fanfic. What do you expect from a first timer? We all made mistakes and this is one of mine.
5926166 And the fact that this is a mistake excuses you from critique?
5926168 Now I did’t say that! Your just putting words into my mouth here!
5926173 You reacted badly to criticism and passed me off as a "hater". You then made the excuse that it was a first-time mistake. I put no words in your mouth.
5926185 Just look back at the first time you commented. You just quoted my disclaimer, then called me a 12 year old. Last time I checked that is not critiquing, that is just quoting what someone said, then calling someone a 12 year old. That is where the hater part comes in, when you were a great critic and you told me what was wrong, and you did that. You sir are good at what you do.
5926249 I'm so confused right now. I'll just leave you be while you fix this up (hopefully).
5926268 I’ll try my best to fix it. I read it now and it looks like a perverted 4 year old crap this out.
I agree with what some others have said, that this does read like it's been written by a 12-year-old.
Just these three lines…
O. M. G.
I'm not quite sure what you were aiming to do with this story. As a clop fic, it majorly fails. As a comedy though, well, it made me laugh. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume it was intended to be funny rather than sexy, so you get a thumbs up.
Button Mash. Sweetie Belle quickly swallowed his dick and soon his semen spewed out and she decided to taste it. To her it tasted like the greatest thing she ever had, but little did she know she was eating potential babies....no. no no. But you know what? You tried and that got my approval
5926311
5963381 Well it was intended to be shitty. But too much hate overwhelmed me.
Sorry to tell you bro but this fic isn't really that good. First off, Sweetie and Button aren't even in character. It's okay to ship the two but if you do so, make sure sweetie acts shy, bashful and kind of ditzy while Button acts something like this
Also, I imagine that if button plays GTA of all things, he would probably swear a few times in the middle of sex but Sweetie would be less okay with swearing and might object to it. At least at first.
Second, if your gonna write a clopfic, you need to make sure you explain the sexy stuff in extreme detail. Otherwise, it just doesn't come across as sexy. For example, this short passage is all the actual clop in the whole story.
That's it??? You should have stretched that out to be at least four times longer. Give your readers time to soak in what's happening before moving on to something new.
Do you have any idea how bull $#!% that sounds!? Why does everyone think that it's only okay for people 18 and up to look at sexual content. People don't magically start being sexually active right on their 18th birthday and no time before that. That's not how biology works. Most people start to get flooded with sexual hormones right around the time they start puberty and that usually happens around age 13 or 14. Therefore, if you start thinking about or even acting on sex before your 18, you're not a pervert. You're just human.
Use italics to simulate thought, fix your grammar, don't use the same words to describe speech so much,fix your spelling and for the love of god please fix those quotation marks you missed and this will turn into a low B grade story
now that my actual critique is out of the way stop being so passive aggressive in your comments for mistakes you made, you made them and didn't edit them out so your gonna have to live with it if you cant handle fimfiction go to a site that doesn't allow comments.
oh and I know you not going to see this as the story was published so long ago but if any other writers are seeing this comment take take my advice don't be an idiot on fimfiction these comments are getting closer and closer to youtube grade cancer.
Greatings it is I the Percy preteen I hear you have a ButtonxSweetie it is my honor to read it in my Percy ways
lol it lasted one singular chapter. not hating tho.