• Member Since 2nd Feb, 2015
  • offline last seen February 13th


I'm 18 years old, I'm a brony

Comments ( 28 )

Description is way too long, not to mention that the story is shit anyway.

this is first story that i thought about you big meaning.

And this is just the first and second chapter of this story and it has lots more coming to this story guys.

Comment posted by fluttershyxadagiodazzle6 deleted May 19th, 2015

Did you even ask the original author's permission? Did you know that Cheerilee's Garden already had a sequel? Do you realise that this concept makes no sense whatsoever? :facehoof:

my story is a crossover to unahim's cheerilee's garden.

I would suggest shortening the description to what is needed, don't give away the whole plot, and fix up the grammar, capitalization, etc.

You know, if I were looking for one word to describe your story, it would be.. "pointless".

It`s pointless to look for any good sides to it. There`s none. Plot is an idiotic mishmash. Writing is simplistic and quite the opposite of engaging. And claiming to be "sequel" is flat-out shameful.

I know what is your "excuse". "It`s my first story!" - you`re clamoring. Well, it`s not an excuse. Not for the amounts of fail exhibited. To quote - "It is bad, and you should feel bad."

And also i change the title from Cheerilee's garden 2: Revenge of the five fillies and 2 colts becoming the seven deadly sins to The Revenge of the five fillies and 2 colts becoming the seven deadly sins and the second chapter is less gruesome. But, the other chapters will be more gruesome and more detail from the last two chapters.

Oh i almost forgot is: My story is also a crossover to Scarlet Harvest: Part One by Unahim.

What I just read, was the very definition of garbage, I dislike this poor excuse for a story, and may Knighty have mercy on your soul.

The guide you used for Snips is still in the cover photo :rainbowlaugh:

1000 hours in ms paint

Holy shit, I can't even tell if this is a joke or not. What the hell am I reading? For the love of God, stay away from your computer.

*sighs* Okay, I feel like I need to fix this. :twilightangry2:

Love the concept l, hate the execution your wrighting needs alot of work in grammar, spelling, and paragraphs are practically repeating. I will be tracking this to see if u improve

Well well well, a familiar face. However, this time I am inclined to agree with you, Starla.

Listen, I'm going to be honest. The plot of this story could actually be interesting. It could. but right now, it requires work.
First off, your tenses are all over the place. Present, past, there's no consistency whatsoever. It says things like 'Cheerilee was happy that the water wash away the theater'. Should be washed. Otherwise, you don't know whether its past or present, flashback or current. And then things are hard to read.
Speaking of consistency, you need it. The ponies aren't supposed to know about the 7 deadly sins, right? So how can Twist look at her friend and go 'why did she look like a deadly sin demon?' That's like taking a computer back in time and having an Indian go 'what is this strange computer device that I've never seen?' And while I'm talking about that, how does one 'look' like a deadly sin anyway? I understand you can look evil, but you can't really look like a sin. And even if you could, if you don't know what a sin is, its a moot point. How can you know what something is if you don't know it exists?
Thirdly, the character interaction and behavior is out of character to the point of pain. Any killer worth their salt (heck, any killer worth their pepper) will kill someone to keep them quiet, particularly one that enjoys killing. Cheerilee would have killed Twist on the spot. Twist wouldn't have shut up for three years straight. And why the buck would AB just show up and leave a coin? A coin, really? That's a little ex machina. Plus, Silver Spoon didn't even like Twist.
Fourth, the writing style is literally giving me a headache. The grammar is awful. You're missing whole words to the point that you sound like a caveman. In addition, its redundant and really, really bland. Spice it up with adjectives. Show, don't tell. And for Luna's sake, don't repeat yourself. You have characters just saying the same thing over and over and it hurts.
Fifth, many, many capitalization errors. Tons. Lots and lots. Find. Fix.
Sixth, your title and description are really lengthy. The title alone must max out. Go for something simple. For example, 'Revenge of the Seven Sins' would probably be great. As for the description, shorten it. Or at least spice it up. People will eat a ton of chocolate cake. But they won't eat a ton of stale bread. Get it?
In conclusion, I want to like this story, but as it is now, there's no way I can. Sorry. I know it stings. But you need to fix this. Thank you. Have a nice day.

>Familiar face
For you sure, but I don't remember who you are at all, sorry m8. Also my post was made five weeks ago m8.

sins don't really exist, they're just constructs of our imagination to prevent us from fulfilling our need for pleasure.

What in Equestria did I just read? I have seen a lot of stories with poor grammar and bad spelling but this one takes the cake. It seems almost like you used Google translate and translated something already poorly written in another language into English. Very rarely do I downvote a story because of grammatical issues but this one was actually hard to read.

What the fuck? There is improper grammar, Misspelled words. Seriously, think about your writing before you publish it. I can’t even believe this story passed moderation. I see why now this story has 68 dislikes+1 because I disliked it too.

70 dislikes now! I often read this if I need a laugh.

It was a beautiful day in ponyville. Twist was getting ready for school today. But, something still bug in twist's mind that still made a chill ran down twist's back about when she saw apple bloom. 'when i thaw apple bloom; why wath apple bloom thmile like deadly thin demon? Why wath apple bloom holding a pony money bit in her hooveth? Why wath apple bloom'th bow look like pony money? And when i blink, apple bloom wath gone?' thought twist. When twist look at the clock, twist screamed. "going to be late for school." Said twist. And with that twist ran to school.

Oh dear. Where do I begin? These sentences make little to no sense. Tenses are dodgy. Grammer is all over the place. I would advise just scrapping this and starting over.

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