Monocles, Mischief, and Misfortune

by GettingOutOfHoof

Chapter 6: Chapter 6

JARED

"Oh I loved that delightful little story, do tell another!" A slightly mischievious voice exclaimed from right behind me. I'll admit, it startled me. I fell backwards and flailed all my limbs around and made a primal sound from deep in my throat. What the fuck?! That didn't sound like any of the present company....oh... oh shit. Oh shit!!!! Everyone's favorite draconequus was sitting cross-legged next to me smiling like a maniac. It was creepy man. Like I havent seen a smile like that since I saw Alice in Wonderland, or I went downtown and saw a crackhead. Choose whichever fits your fancy.

Bronze sprung into action. It was crazy watching him go into super guard mode. "DISCORD!" He yelled loud enough to alert the other guards. A siren sounded. I saw Shain with a smile even bigger than Discord's, giddy as a pedophile in a Chuck E Cheese. Inkie looked terrified. Bronze tried to tackle the draconequus but he disappeared in a cloud of smoke. It was so FUCKING COOL! He appeared before me.

"Ah finally a fresh face around here!" Discord proclaimed. "How are you my good sir?"

"I'm pretty shitty." I shrugged. It was true. I'd been beat to hell a couple times, drugged up, beat again. My clothes were rags now and I felt digusting. As an alien I didn't have the right to shower. Fucking fascists, man. Occupy Equestria!

"Well let's see what we can do about that!" He snapped and all of the sudden I was in a tux and a tophat...with a monocle. I gotta hand it to him, Discord's got swag.

"No, no, that won't do." He snapped again and I was back in my previous clothes, but these were pressed and clean. And what was this? I was clean too! So far Discord had treated me better than Equestria had. The monocle remained. You should've seen the jealousy on Shain's face. Maybe it was cause Discord was giving me the royal treatment; more likely it was because I had a monocle.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked suspiciously. Yeah NOW I'm suspicious. Cause nothing before that could be taken as odd. The ponies were all stupefied.

"Ah because you and your friend there, that's right I haven't forgotten you, have caused enough chaos and mischief to release me!" He snapped and Shain had a brand new, fancy blue monocle. It was beautiful. He was speechless.....what the fuck?! Shain! Wait for you're part man!

"But they gotta know how beautiful it was!"

I'll be right back folks.

"Ow! Fuck, man, alright I'll leave now, Christ!"

Fuckin right! Anyway, he was speechless.

"It's only good manners that I reward you! I'm afraid I must leave now, as I have much business to attend to. But I'm sure we'll all be reunited very soon!" And POOF he was gone. As the smoke cleared I saw all of the Canterlot guard around me, and a very angry Celestia and Luna.

I got some 'splainin' to do...

SHAIN

When the smoke cleared from Discord's rather poofy escape, i got a chance to look around. Surrounding Jared, Inkie, Bronze, and I were approximately 30 Canterlot guards as well as the princesses themselves looking like someone had just pitched them an ad about horn enlargement.

...they were mad. You all got that, right?

I started gushing to everyone present. "Did you all see that shit!?! He was all like POOF 'here's a monocle' then was all like 'peace out bitches' and just POOFED out of here again. Inkie, sorry but you got competition for best pony."

Celestia obviously wasn't as appreciative of the dragon-mutant swag that Discord possessed. "WHAT IS GOING ON?" She shouted in the RCV (royal canterlot voice). "HOW IS DISCORD OUT OF HIS STONE PRISON?" Luna looked just as pissed, though seemed surprised and a little ticked to have her trademarked method of speaking used by her sister. Haha Luna's style got jacked.

The only un-monocled eye i had rolled back in my head from the force of her thu'um, as everypony + Jared simultaneously got the same slicked-back hairstyle.

"Geez Princess," Jared stated. "I know caps lock is cruise control for awesome, but even cruise control needs to be steered sometimes." The voice came from his new home under the park bench. Apparently bi-pedals are a lot easier to knock back with a shout than quadrupeds. Another reason i'm glad i got turned into a pony.

"I apologize for my temper." Celestia said at a much more civilized volume. "But the question still stands; what is discord doing out of his detainment?"

"Being awesome, obviously." I stated. Jared nodded vigorously in agreement from under the bench. "He got me my monocle back, and Jared got one too. I really don't see the problem here." My voice had gotten much more statesmanlike since i had gotten my monocle back. It's like someone flicked the switch in my brain to classy as FUCK and hired the royal family to hold it there.

"It's a problem because Discord is an enemy of Equestria!" Luna said testily. "He tried, and almost succeeded in seizing the throne twice and he's is supposed to be locked in stone!"

"So the way I see it you all are 2 and 0. You beat him before, you can do it again. In the meantime what's the worst that could happen?" My question was immediately answered by a spider wearing a top hat that ran into the circle of guards and started tap dancing, while singing a song:

This is your singing telegram, we hope it finds you well
Discord is free once again and raising lots of hell
Of what he has planned, you all are quite right
Discord is cooking you all up quite a fright

The authors are quite high
Jared is an awesome guy

"Okay dude I cant do this"

"C'mon man! It's a musical number! just go with it"

"Get out of my story!"

"Nope!"

I'll tell them about that one time at band ca-

"Okay okay shit! Back to the song."

"Damn right."

That argument was rather odd, Discord's gonna rule Equestria again*
Yes it's true, he's got a huge bag of tricks
So don't be surprised when you're sucking some...
Lollipops

The spider finished it's dance with a knee-slide while strumming an air guitar. It then got up, dusted itself off, and scuttled away like nothing happened.

*Musical spider does not need your petty human rhyming.

JARED

I wanted to sleep under the park bench, like I have many times before, but now was not a time for sleep. I got out from under the classy lawn furniture.

"Eh, i expected more from a dancing spider, his footwork was kinda off." I shrugged.

"Oh c'mon it was pretty good dude.." Shain exclaimed.

"I expect better servants from a God of Chaos...Why am I wearing this thing?" I threw the monocle onto the ground and crushed it underneath my size 13 nikes.....

*INTERMISSION*

Sorry, needed some light hearted organ music to relax and get back into the swing., it's hard to write with fucking Forrest Gump in the room. Self control and a nice drink saved my friends life just now... back to the story.

Shain gasped, I had broken another monocle....boy, it felt gooooooooooood!

"YOU MONSTER!!!" He screamed, charging at me, his horn pointed towards my gut.

"COME AT ME BITCH!" I shouted, preparing to battle.

"STOP IT! BOTH OF YOU!" I felt a warm fuzzy feeling cover me....fuck Celestia was levitating me and Shain in the air. "We have more problems than stupid eyewear." Shain opened his mouth, but I shot him a look and he held his toungue, literally, really weird to see man. "YOU have caused all this chaos and released Discord," Oh cool she was looking at me, this'll end well."You will be punished for your crimes against Equestria. Severely..."

If this was say.... Texas I would've been worried, but I was in motherfuckin Equestria! Land of ponies and harmony and happiness! The punishments I imagined were along the lines of:

1. Jailtime: Awesome muscles, Street cred, lots of deep thinkin, no problem

2. Hard labor: One of the few things I'm good at, along with pissing off my friends, texas hold em, and knitting

3. Banishment...To the MOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNAAAH: This would be fantastic SPPAAACCCEEE!

So the way I saw it, whatever she gave me was gonna be a piece of cake.

"I sentence this alien to death!"

Oh...okay. She didn't have to use the RCV there but that's cool....wait did she say death? Damn. I looked at Shain, he looked worried. I tried to keep my face expressionless and take it like a man. Suprisingly, I was doing pretty well. I wondered if I'd go to heaven or something like that. Probably hell though.

Bronze looked pleadingly at Luna, but she just shook her head.

"Guards, take this monster to the executioner." she said sadly.

The walk to where they were taking me wasn't very long. It was silent. The executioner had the stereotypical bag-with-two-holes-in-it hood on. He stood next to what looked like a guillotine, I'm just glad it was nothing with fire. Like i'd rather die being torn apart limb from limb. The concept of being burned just...frightens me. As i was thinking this the blade of the guillotine lit up with flames. I laughed nervously at how my luck was working out.

"Well this is it." I chuckled.

"Put your head here." The executioner said. I listened to him, i got on my knees and bent down to where my neck was underneath the shiny blade. It looked like it had never been used. probably hadn't been. I closed my eyes. Some people say that their lives flash before their eyes before they die. That wasn't my case. All that came to my mind was what if it hurt? What if it REALLY hurt? Oh shit it was gonna hurt, wasn't it? Not the bravest thoughts to leave with but whatever man, let's see you get guillotined.... This is Jared signing off.

THE END

Nah not really. I was falling, I looked down and I was falling down A HUGE FUCKING CANYON. Being afraid of heights/ falling, I said something along the lines of "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT. SHIT PISS FUCK CUNT COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKER TITS FART TURD TWAT. COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKER TITS COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKER TITS...." and splat.

I gasped, I was back with all of the ponies. Holy shit what happened? I saw that bitch celestia.

"Do NOT do that EVER again!" I screamed with all the fear and rage that had built up during my fall. Just one notch below the RCV, normally I'd take the time to celebrate but I was in RAGE METER: ERROR 3RR0R 3Rar ERR0r

"What is this?!" She cried.

"I don't fucking know!"

"Dude, what are you talking about?!" Shain asked confused.

"This!" I walked over to him and snapped his neck....yeah a lil brutal but hey, I was freaking out!!

all the ponies gasped. a second later shain popped up in front of me, still screaming.

"-UUUUUUUUUUCK! Why did you do that!" He tackled me swinging left and right before I threw him off of me.

Looks like we have a new development here folks.

Comments

[theRedBrony]

Dafuq just happened?

[GettingOutOfHoof]

816822 Dude...your profile pic

[GettingOutOfHoof]

Sooooo we're kinda goin on hiatus. We'd like to say it's to give you a better quality of fanfiction and we need a break to keep from being mediocre. But we're gonna tell the truth dammit! Sports, Mass Effect 3, Awesome Music Festivals, Rebelution, Sports injuries, and just overall laziness have incited this brief(unlikely) break. Sorry

[theRedBrony]

938880 But the mediocrity is what makes this good!

Get your ass back to work... *cracks whip*

[GettingOutOfHoof]

1101253 please not the whip
Dont worry we're working...
Just not on this
Keep an eye on griffinshavesouls
We should have something in the next month, or several