Monocles, Mischief, and Misfortune

by GettingOutOfHoof

Chapter 5: The Part Where I Kill You

SHAIN

It astounded me how peaceful the Canterlot Gardens were. The moonlight refracting off the waterfall danced across the walls of the small rock alclove and across the water, to the marsh grass surrounding the pool. I followed the waterfall with my eyes all the way up to the snow capped peaks; then back the other way to where the brook ended and the water was carried off the edge of the cliffside city. I sat on my haunches at the pond's edge, taking it all in. Several lightning bugs listed lazily just above the water, except, wait....... something was different about these bugs.......

Holy Fuck.... they were every color of the rainbow. It was like some crazy awesome gay warlock with a god complex had given wings to skittles and told them to go be awesome. And they had responded with gusto.

At my side was Inkie, also just taking in the sights and sounds of the night. I know I said she can be annoying sometimes, but I had to hand - fuck... hoof it to her; she knows how to stay quiet when it's important. Just sitting there, enjoying each others company reminded me of what we were supposed to be doing in the first place.

"So where is Jared again?" I started quietly, turning to face her. It seemed almost like a crime to break the peaceful serenity surrounding this sacred place.

Inkie turned to face me. "Last I heard, he was in the kitchen trying to find something not revolting for a human to eat. I'll take you there now if you want" she replied.

So Jared was gettin food huh? Shit I just hope he knows enough not to ask for meat. That would be interesting.

"We'll go soon, for now let's just enjoy this some more."

Inkie murmured in agreement and we both turned back to the masterpiece that was Luna's night.

JARED

I lazily wandered my way into the Canterlot Gardens. I heard crickets quietly chirping away, creating a whitenoise that reminded me of a cool summer night. My mind was working through what had gone on recently. Equestria wasn't quite what I had hoped for, or expected for that matter. At least I made a friend, Bronze. He slowly walked along with me, the only sound he made was the soft clinking of his armor. It also helped to know Shain was here, somewhere. Once again my eyes drifted towards the sky; it's beautiful stars and celestial bodys almost put me in a trance. the silence was interrupted by my brown companion.

"I almost forgot, here's your stuff." He handed me a large misshapen cloth bag. I was wondering why my pockets were empty. I took the bag, thanked him, and sat down on one of the many stone benches in the Gardens. I began to take out the contents. What I found: Three single dollar bills and a ten, two quarters and seven pennies, an Xbox 360 controller, Portal 2, a Deftones CD, a phone charger, an i Pod charger chord, a crushed cell phone, five bottlecaps, and MY IPOD!!!! My luck was finally turning for the better! I excitedly turned it on.

Battery Low: Please Charge

Scratch that. Equestria was just playing with me. I was starting to hate my time here. I can take getting beat up, But no music? That is my hell. Correction: This is my hell. My attention drifted from my dead iPod to my destroyed phone.

"What happened to this?" I asked with a chuckle to make sure Bronze didn't think I was angry. Normally I would've been, but I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be making any calls or texts anytime soon. Not that I had anyone to talk to. If you have any pity, I'll gladly take it now. (Place Pity Here).

"It said slide to unlock, but no matter how many time Shining Armor slid it across the floor, it wouldn't unlock. So he got frustrated and broke it." He said sheepishly (Ha Sheepish Pony, never gets old) with a shrug. After he said this I almost fell over laughing, just imagining the scenario was fantastic. I really hope he tried to use it on bowling pins for some odd reason.

I heard a voice yell "Jared! You ape bastard I can hear you! I'm Fucking coming!" and foot- I mean hoofsteps. Bronze snapped out of his peaceful trance and tensed up, ready for action. People-Horses-Fuck! Ponies were coming, and I had a pretty good idea of who they were.

SHAIN

Inkie and I were walking along the path towards the kitchen after finally deciding to leave our temporary paradise. We chatted idly about the gardens and about Inkie's life, her family, how things were going at the hospital, etc. I dodged any questions she asked about where I was from, not wanting to reveal anything until I could touch base with Jared and decide what exactly we wanted out of this unexpected (and possibly permanent) vacation to Equestria.

We entered a section of the garden seemingly devoted to statues of famous or infamous ponies and other creatures of this world. I was so engrossed in looking at them I failed to notice the stray tree branch in my path and I very gracefully made a rapid descent to the ground. My body would've gotten really hurt, but luckily my face took the brunt of the fall. Ya know, cause it's selfless like that.

"Hello dirt, long time no see." I mumbled under my breath as Inkie, trying in vain not to laugh, helped me up. "Thanks." I said, and cleaned myself off to continue the journey.

As we were passing a noticably older statue of a Big Macintosh-sized pony with a swirling, star encrusted wizard's hat and long, flowing beard, I suddenly heard laughter. Not just any laughter, I recognized this laughter. After all, it was the last thing I heard before our car collided head on with an eighteen wheeler on the freeway.

"Jared! You ape bastard I can hear you! I'm Fucking coming!" I shouted as I ran off the path and through the woods toward the sound. Inkie called after me but her words were whipped away by the wind around me as I charged haphazardly through the forest. I rounded the last tree at full speed and (very gracefully again) tripped over a root, this time digging a solid four inch long trench in the ground with my horn.

"We meet again." I whispered, before looking up to see Jared and a bronze-armored gaurd pony sitting on a park bench, staring at me.

JARED

"Great form, but you need to work on your landing, I'll give you a six." I said looking down upon a collapsed orange and blue unicorn. Shain.

"Screw you, man." He muttered as he picked himself up.

"Screw? I thought only like twelve year olds said that or something." I smirked.

"I'm trying not to cuss in front of the ponies." He said, motioning his head towards a black maned gray pony that had just run up next to him.

"Yeah, I kinda already fucked that up." I recieved a glare for this one. Worth it. "So who's this? Wait, I know you! You're the one with the marephine! Got any more?" Marephine, still not getting over that.

"Of course you'd remember her by that." Shain deadpanned. I was suprised by how easily I was accepting the fact that he was a pony. Maybe it's just cause crazy shit happens to me and the fact that I never thought it would happen caused it to happen. Maybe all this isn't even real. Am I in the Matrix? Or am I out of it? Fuck it, he's a pony, I'm not, that how things are. Not gonna question it anymore.

"I'm Inkie Pie! And I can't give you any more marephine, or the side effects would kick in. The princesses wouldn't be very happy with me if your heart stopped!" She responded excitedly. Too excitedly. Oh my God that voice would get annoying fast. Note to self: Adress Inkie as little as possible. P.S. Too much marephine = bad things.

"Nice to meet you. Shain, this is Bronze Shield. He's a pretty cool dude." Shain reached out to Bro Hoof Bronze. He looked casual but I could tell he was about to explode with all the pony awesomeness his brain was receiveing.

"So have you come up with a pony name yet?" I asked. I couldn't wait to hear this. I bet he spent the whole time he was here thinking about it. It would be the best pony name ever!

"Oh %@#$^@$%&@#$%@#^&" He yelled. I was impressed. I can't even pronounce dollar signs, let alone number signs. He was taking the self censorship really far.

SHAIN

"Oh %@#$^@$%&@#$%@#^&" I yelled. I then proceeded to cough like crazy with my head down. Pronouncing that many dollar signs and number signs really took it out of me.

"I didn't even think about that!" My voice cracked a little coming out of that coughing fit. I needed to think of a pony name, and fast. It was hard because my mind was still reeling from the glee that bro hoofing bronze shield had given me.

Hmmm... I was orange with a blue mane... Florida Gator? No... what's a good name for a human-turned-unicorn that likes monocles? Monocle Sparkle? Fuck this is hard.

"I can't think of anything." i said, defeated.

"How do you not know your name?" Bronze Shield asked. "Also how are you on a first name basis with an alien? That'd be good to know." Inkie nodded agreement and looked at me.

Shit. Forgot they don't know anything about me and Jared. "Uh....." i trailed off, "Jared, you got this one?"

"Nope!"

"Fuck you." God i hated that shit eating grin he had on right now. "Right, Inkie, Bronze Shield, here's what I know happened up to this point...."

JARED

"Nope!" I exclaimed with glee.

"Fuck you." I wanted to tell him that he just cussed in front of the ponies, but it was story time!

He glossed over the not so important parts like the reason we borrowed the car, or when we got Taco Bell. Then he got to the part where I kill him. "Hey! This is the part where I kill you!"

"You killed yourself too, dumbass."

"That makes my K/D 2 and 1, can you say the same?"

"No cause I didn't kill any....wait 2 and 1?" ....oops.

"Nothing."

Shain paused. "You know what? I don't wanna know. Anyway, while I was driving the car, the thing that goes really fast, Jared here covered my eyes." I laughed at the memory, good times....good times. Shain glared at me.

"What?"

"Are you gonna let me fucking finish?"

"Uhhh maybe."

"I hate you."

"Hate's a strong word."

"I know."

The ponies looked so confused. It was ADORABLE.

"He took his hand of my face right before we hit a really really really big car called a semi truck. And how we got here after that, no idea. You two know the rest, me hospital, Jared jail. Sooooo yeah." He stared me down during the truck part. Was he mad? Nahhhhhhhhh.

Inkie Pie looked deep in thought. Finally she said "You aren't very smart are you?"

I laughed. "Nope, not at all."

Comments

[theRedBrony]

Bout effing time.

epicness.