Monocles, Mischief, and Misfortune

by GettingOutOfHoof

Chapter 2: Waking Up.......Again

JARED

I woke up but kept my eyes closed. My internal clock told me it was night time (best time!). This brought a small smile to my lips. I inhaled. Bad bad bad idea. It felt like I got stabbed in the chest with a rusty butterknife. Then I remembered ........ FUCK. This is REAL! Getting my ass whooped by a pony and a rainbow was REAL! The wounds to my chest and balls were REAL! So I decided to go with the most cliche/probable thing: the car crash dream was real and I was dead. I wondered what happened to Shain. Was he here too? Did he die like I did? I hope he's okay, I'd just feel awful if he got hurt because of me.

Speaking of guilt, I was a real asshole to that unicorn. I probably should've just walked away instead of throwing away his monocle and shaking him like a hamster in a washing machine....what can I say? Mornings man. My fucking worst enemy. It's kinda like a Jeckyl/Hyde thing for me. Now that it's night im much more... what's the word?.....sane, no .... cheery, oh hell no ..... mildly content and rational? There we go!

Now you must be noticing I took the whole dead thing pretty well. It's kinda because I frankly didn't give a shit. Nope not gonna sob. Not gonna say I was too tired or lazy. I'm just gonna outright say I was tired of getting up in the morning. No I'm not gonna tell you why, so make up whatever fucked up crazy back story and emotional baggage you want.

I groaned and (carefully) sat upright. I saw vertical bars and a very stern looking guard pony looking at me. He was brown and was wearing the royal armor. To my dissappointment, the armor covered his cutie mark "Good, you're awake. We'll begin your interrogation shortly," he said.

Fuck me, man......

SHAIN

I came back to consciousness one sense at a time. First, my hearing returned. I could hear a steady beeping, like that of a heart rate monitor, off to my left, and someone snoring softly to my right. I HATE it when people snore. Most people just accept it because "Hey, they're asleep and they cant help it" but FUCK THAT. It should never be socially acceptable to make that kind of noise when other people are around, it's disgusting.

As my brain pondered the depraved and despicable practice of snoring, my other senses gradually came to. I could feel a soft bed underneath me and a bright light was trying in vain to get past my eyelids and into my retinas. Do ponies have retinas? Maybe they do, but they're bound to be more sensitive because of how huge pony eyes are. The concept of being violently blinded by a stray light beam suddenly terrified me and I instinctively raised my hooves to my face to shield myself from any light related weaponry that might be aimed at me (waking up makes me stupid like that). Then I remembered:

I raised my hooves. Not hands, but real, orange, marshmallowey, dexterous, honest-to-Celestia FUCKING HOOVES. I smiled a now familiar crazy smile as I opened my eyes and looked at them. I'm a pony.
I thought to myself. I saw three white walls around me, and lots of fancy-looking medical machinery stationed around the hospital bed I now realized I was in. The wall directly across from me held a door and a long window with blinds in it, blocking my view. Looking to my right, I saw a long curtain drawn across the center of the room. The snoring was coming from behind it. My glee was interrupted as I recalled what happened to my friend, myself, and most importantly, my monocle. There's no time to mourn now, I thought, soon I'll hold a proper ceremony, for now I'll just figure out where I am.

JARED

"Soooooo..... What's your name?" I asked as pleasantly as I could. Apparently Celestia requested that she and Luna both be there during the interrogation. But they're busy. So I had spent some of my time working on my prison body.....that was really fucking painful because of my rib and balls * )': * injuries, so I kinda just sat there and stared at the wall and thought about stuff. That got boring too, and I figured since it looked like we were going to be together for a while, I might as well get to learn who was guarding me.

He insisted on asking the questions instead. We got through the whole 'What are you?' thing pretty quick. turns out he wasn't very inquisitive, which was great for me. As you've read, I dont like talking about personal stuff. I liked this guy, I mean pony.....you know what I mean.

"Enough about me, what about you? You never told me your name," I said.

"I was ordered not to give you any personal information," he stated firmly.

"C'mon, knowing your name won't do any damage, right?"

"I guess not..." he sighed, "I'm Bronze Shield. But that's all you need to know....."

SHAIN

"Uuuuuh hello?" I said to the machines around me. Just then there was a shuffling from behind the curtain and a gray-coated earth pony mare with a straightened, darker gray mane walked out, carrying a clipboard in her teeth.

"Ah! you woke up!" she exclaimed in a bubbly, almost annoying sort of voice. "We were really worried for a while there, you had several fractured ribs and your scalp looked like somepony had picked you up by the mane and shook you like a hamster in a washing machine!"

For a moment I was too stunned by the irony to respond.

"Where am I?" my voice was subdued, like I had spent all night in a shouting contest with a tornado siren.

"Why, you're in Canterlot's Huerta Memorial Hospital of course!"

Voice......still......annoying....

"We have the best care in Equestria! Maybe even the whole galaxy!"

"That's nice..." I said. How can she be so happy? I thought. Doesn't she know I'm in mourning here!?

"Well now that you're awake we can call the nice guard ponies in here to ask you about the alien!"

Annoyance.......reaching......capacity....so angry and... wait wuh? Dafuq did she just say about aliens?

JARED

"Well if you feel that way, you should tell her, Bronze," I said, trying to be comforting. It had been about thirty minutes and I knew his whole life story. It tends to happen to me alot. Just something about me says "Hey, you can vent to me!" Anyway, he had just told me about this unicorn mare who had started to frequent the Royal Palace lately. He had taken quite an interest in her,but didn't think she would like him because he was a "simple guardpony".

"But she's so much better than me," he said dismally.

"Don't think that way, man"

"Man?"

"Oh uh it's a pronoun, like the word 'you'. It's a term of seriousness/endearment/friendship/stress/pity-"

"So you use it for everything." Bronze deadpanned.

"Pretty much, but thats not important right now. Bronze, you guard the princessess. That's an important job. And they would only have the best for a job so important, right?"

"Yeah....Yeah, you're right!" he grinned.

"There you go, man!" I chuckled, happy to see him happy. I worked my way over to the small mattress over in the corner of my cell. Pretty comfy, to my suprise. You're probably wondering where the asshole from chapter one is, he'll be back (PonyCrusher II, Coming this Fall). But for now I was Dr. Jared, Pony Therapist. The thought gave me a short laugh before I closed my eyes.

"Goodnight, Bronze. See you in the morning...."

SHAIN

"Dafuq did you just say about aliens?" I asked, my voice suddenly getting stronger.

"Oh yes, don't you remember? You were attacked by a big alien looking thing! Maybe the Marephine we gave you was too strong after all."

My brain stalled for a few seconds. Marephine............................ oh. Haha. That's just fucking hilarious.

"I don't think that's it ma'am, I remember everything just fine."

"Well that's dandy! We'll have you fixed up and ready to go real soon after the nice guard ponies are done with you! let me just go get them now."

She started walking out the door into the hallway when I stopped her. "Excuse me but, what was your name?"

She looked back with a smile "Inkie, Inkie Pie."

Comments

[GettingOutOfHoof]

633875
yep. she's from the rock farm.

[theRedBrony]

FINALLY. Also, thanks for sticking with the 2 perspective writing! It's the best part.

[Jaohni]

EVERYONE HATES THE HAMSTERS!!