Counting Stars

Twily has just bought a new telescope and wants to have a sleepover with Flutters and Applejack, but she lost her sleepover book.

Help from my sister, MLPEGRRR.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 2 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 2
- Newest First
- Oldest First

hawthornbunny

hawthornbunny #1 · Apr 15th, 2015 · · ·

This is a promising start to what looks like a cute story. :) I have a number of suggestions that might help you as you continue writing:

1. Use full line breaks for paragraphs, not indents. Indented paragraphs are more suited to printed novels because they save space; Here, however, they just make the story into a massive wall of text, and that's going to put people off reading it.

2. Show, don't tell. The golden rule of storytelling. The opening few lines of your story, although they tell us the situation, they're not as interesting as they could be because we don't actually see anything happen. We're just told that Twilight broke her telescope and that's that. It would be much more interesting if we saw Twilight break her telescope, because then there would be spectacle, we'd get Twilight's reaction, we'd know how she feels about it, etc. etc.

3. More detail! The opening lines, especially, gloss over the events so fast that it barely feels like they were even worth mentioning. It gives the story a very 'children's storybook' feel, and I'm not sure that's the style you're going for. One place where it would be useful to have more detail is in the locations (especially important for a sleepover story). From the context I can gather that this takes place in the Golden Oak Library prior to season 5 (and this feels more like unicorn Twilight than alicorn princess Twilight).

4. The chapter ends very abruptly. We didn't even get to hear AJ and Fluttershy's response to Twilight's question! Chapters should end when a significant chunk of the action has run its course, and since this story has barely started yet, it's a strange place to stop.

"Hey, Twilight? Why didn't you invite the others?" Applejack asked.
"They were all busy. But I knew you two would probably be available." Twilight answered.

That's a lie! It was clearly stated at the beginning:

Her idea was to have a sleepover with Applejack and Fluttershy!

and Twilight clearly went straight to them and didn't even attempt to find anypony else.

Admittedly, I find the idea of Twilight just straight up lying to them hilarious, but again, I don't think that was what you intended. XD

Despite my various observations, this isn't bad at all. Your dialogue is good, with all the characters in character, and it's very sweet. It just needs a little more oomph. :)

MlpEgRox2015