Platinumfire
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- jasper101202 · 4.1k words · 51 8 · 1.1k views
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hmm, first one night stand clopfic i've ever read
Great job.
But it did not disappoint.
571824 Thank you, it was the first one I have written so I was hoping I didn't do too bad. Though I did overuse some words a bit...ah well. c:
Lol, OC shipping is totally not an un-clever way to mask a self insert.
I gave a "Long description" as the site said I should, but did look over it and narrow it down so it's a little more broad and open, while still giving a short insight on what does happen. Only name given is Rarity.
To be honest I was expecting a little more of a search to find him. But I was okay with it. I liked the sudden outburst of questions though.
But that aside I still really liked it.
You have a...lot of improper capitalizations. Stick to capitalizing titles, people, places, and God when you're not staring a sentence. As a former English major, it comes off as extremely jarring to try and read this.
619452 I have issues with capitalization. I tend to capitalize things that don't need it. As for capitalizing "god", I refuse, but that's just me. But thank you for the input.
Your synopsis sounds terrible. I make judgements based off of the synopsis. First turn off is not capitalizing Canterlot. Opening line can be removed and reworded. Otherwise it seems I'd be reading words that literally say "Rarity then realized something. "I've never had the colt of my dreams. I want to go find him now." And, IMO, that opening line is awkwardly phrased as well. "But a few months later, Rarity realizes she has fallen in love with the colt." The way that sounds to me, is that after the event, she leaves back for Ponyville and never sees him again. Are you kidding me?
Those issues alone turn me off from even wanting to read it. And this is just the synopsis, which is what's supposed to grab your reader's attention off the bat. And instead of explaining to me what you intend, it'd be better to fix the synopsis so it sounds better.
Sorry if this sounds kinda harsh, but I am trying to help. It's just, in my opinion, huge issues that could very well be a turnoff for a lot of people.
734788 Is this a better synopsis then?
736361 It feels like you put a little too much of the story inside, but it is more interesting now. Sorry if I at all sounded rude/mean. I wasn't exactly in the best of moods last night. (No idea why, though.)
Anyway, it feels like your story is a romance with a mature scene, which, IMO, are awesome. And seeing how much you've written, you seem to at least have a passion for it. But. I'm just one person. You've gotten some pretty decent responses if the like counter is anything to go by.
Again, sorry if I came off as rude. >.<
i like where this story is going
739834
great story can't w8 for the next chapter
I just have issues with capitalizing. :/ I always have capitalized the wrong things when they do not need it. Once I get this one along further, I will go back through and try and fix some of that. As well as any other mistakes I may find along the way.