• Member Since 7th May, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 1st, 2013

MrSuicide


T

Everypony knows that Ditzy Doo is a mailmare, likes to eat muffins and furthermore, is rather terrible at flying. Through the days of her stay in Ponyville, an unexpected event will forever change her life for the best or for the worse. Nopony knows the fate of our dear Ditzy Doo.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 39 )

Will read and comment later, this sounds interesting and not to common.

And ps. YOU SHALL NOT BE FIRST! :flutterrage:

Disliked because her name is Derpy Hooves, Not Ditzy Doo. :derpytongue2:

Oh horse apples, not Derpy!! :fluttercry:
I do like it so far though, stay with it.

556792 Motherfucker you can't just do that dipshit

556792

Tis only the first chapter and you dislike tis because of a name? :fluttercry:

Hmmm... so the first chapter ends with (what appears to be) the protagonist (apparently) dead. Tracking because I'm curious to see where you go from there.

Okay, now I have read it and here is my constructive critism:

a) I know what you are trying to achieve with this story, and that is cute :pinkiesmile: Creds to you.

b) Is this suppose to be a one-shot story, or will their be more chapters? I found it pretty unclear...

c) You are telling a story. You should really try to show your story instead (I'll talk more about this later in the comment. If you still want a more specific example, I can give you one in a pm.)

d) In my opinion, you over use her name. "Dizzy said, Dizzy stated, Dizzy thought..." This is mostly only needed when several characters are involved in a dialouge. Now, when there's only one character, you should try to focus more on what she felt after saying the words instead of state that she is said it. The reader will now that it is she talking instead. Example:
" “So this is the first time I’ll be late to the post office? Hope I don’t get fired….” stated Ditzy as she started to try to correctly gallop to the post office this time. "

" "So this is the first time I'll be late to the post office? Hope I don't get fired..." She tried to fly faster, but it was hard to keep straight in the strong winds. But she was determined to go faster; just the bare thought of getting fired made her feel anxious. "

e) You could use a proof reader :pinkiesmile: . If English was my native language, I would have happily helped you...

Summarize: I think this could be a very good story. You have an interesting start and you have a good stand to build a touching story. What I think you will profit by is reading this No, srsly press it. It will explain more about "show, don't tell" and the other things I have mentioned. If you want me to pre-read (NOT proof read, they are two diffrent things) a chapter and tell you what you could improve before you submiting it I wouill gladly do so! Just send me an pm and we talk more about it...

It is to early to up/down-vote, but I will keep a close eye on this story by favouriting it (it is the only thing that helps me track a story with ease)! I hope you continue with this story and I wish you luck :rainbowdetermined2: ! May the friendship be strong with you.

556906 Woah there, boy! What happened to love and tolerance? Oh wait, I forgot. You're obviously a clopper 556909 I know that feeling, bro. I undisliked and reliked, because the general Idea of the fic is very amusing. :twilightsmile: You have to work on your times and your grammar (not to mention, your punctuation!) :rainbowwild:! Are you english, may I ask? Just wondering.

557695 Fucker you can't just dislike because it has different taste:rainbowwild::rainbowwild:

557698 I disliked it because there were a TON of grammatical and punctuational mistakes. Now, I'm not a bully or anything, but people must be sure that their grammar is intact before writing fics. Props to the author for putting effort into his story, I appreciate people who are hard-working. Undisliked. :rainbowderp:

Disliked because her name is Derpy Hooves, Not Ditzy Doo

well then you should of thought of that before you said that, this guy put a ton of effort into this and you dislike it cuz of a name shitdip

557440

a) Oh do you? :3

b) Not a one-shot. If it was, would of been completed already, hence the incomplete status. :x

c) Maybe. I'll think about your generous offer.

d) I have a tenancy of restating her name even though there is one character in chapter 1. Too used to having multiple characters or being paranoid of not stating her name as much you see.... I'll try not to do it in chapter 2.

e) Lol. It's all good~

Thank you for the Favorite. ^_^ And of course I'll continue it~

557695

Yes, I am English.

I think the problems was that I was rather rusty writing this Fanfiction (Haven't wrote one in a while) and that it was around midnight (1 to 3 AM) that I decided to write this. xD

556804

I'm glad you like it....despite its apparent mistakes. :derpyderp1:

557722 I only listed one of the reasons why I disliked, and it's a pretty good one.

559603 a) I have my sucpissions hehe
b) Yea, but because this is your first time on fimfiction, I didn't know if that was a mistake or on purpose (the story felt like a one-shoot to me :derpytongue2:)
c) Do read the link I provided. It includes very good tips and things all authors could use in their stories.
e) (Searching for the examples I found yesterday. Can't find them anywhere...) :trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright: DID YOU EDiT IT WHiLE I SLEPT :flutterrage: :twilightangry2:

:trollestia:

Interesting premise. I was first thinking she was in Diamond Tiara's house and that was her father.

Well now...

I, um, I really don't know what to say. This is a fascinating plot twist. And such a cliffhanger. Who is the evil pony? What does he want with Derpy? How did she survive? So many questions. Looking forward to Chapter 3.

579856

Sadly, it isn't, but wow. Did I really make you think that way? :twilightblush:

Filthy Rich is an Earth pony and does have a different cutie mark after all. :derpyderp2:

580728

Left you speechless eh?

All shall be revealed in due time my little pony. :twilightsmile:

581055
Okay, I forgot what Filthy Rich looks like... Still, I can see him doing that if you tip him to the evil side (It's not as if every story has to be absolutely canon).

582397

True enough. :pinkiehappy:

*Cough* I might make him a villain in a later chapter *Cough*

Gak

556792 I counter your dislike with my LIKE

Gak

582703 WHAT IS GOING ON?!? xD

586134

That, my little pony, is for you to find out.

Patience is a virtue, henceforth, all shall be revealed in due time.

You can ask Knight Glider I guess, since he seems to understand it. :twilightsmile:

Ok... So Ditzy died... BEGIN THE CRAZY SHIT!

665554
...You don't know what I meant by that, do you?

Mhm. That's kinda crazy.

665563

Hence the thumbs down correct?

Nah, I do. Just legit confused as to why you assumed as such when you only read Chapter 1, assuming the post on Chapter 1. *Brain fart*

665573
I didn't thumbs-down, bro.

I kinda have a habit of commenting my thoughts on what happened in a chapter on that chapter, before I kept reading. Just something I feel the need to do. :applejackunsure:

665580

Ah. That's cool.

Hope you liked it so far!

665587 Working through chapter 3 at the moment. I think I like this... :pinkiesmile:

665593

Care to tell me your overall thoughts on Chapters 1 through 3?

Need to know how I'm doing. Sorry for picking on you since you did post something here after so long. :twilightsheepish:

Changelings?

Ditzy/Derpy somehow being evil?

Queen Chrysalis? (Spell check?)

Yeah. Pretty crazy.

Thumbs-up and fave, bro. I want to see more of this. :trixieshiftright:

665563 How... did this get here?

665609

Oh snap. Somepony's caught on!

Apparently so. ;p

That is spelled correctly, literally copied and pasted from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Wiki ----> http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Queen_Chrysalis

Thanks! :twilightsmile:

Lol on the "How...did this get here?" part.

665604 Overall thoughts?

...First off, from what I can tell, this is a pretty original idea. I like that.

Second! It's well written. Good grammar, and it's set up very nicely.

And finally, I want to tear your throat out for that cliffhanger. BUT THAT'S UNIMPORTANT! :pinkiehappy:

9/10, in my opinion.

665644

Lol. :pinkiehappy:

Don't worry, more is to come...eventually! :derpyderp2:

:twilightsmile:

Login or register to comment