Without Notice – Chapter 1
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Rain.
There was lots of rain today. Heck, it’ll be quite surprising if the fruits and vegetables somehow survived too.
Guess the Pegasi didn’t expertly calculate the supposed amount of rain clouds that was to hover around Ponyville…
No matter.
Just another exciting day in Ponyville after all, isn’t it always?
The last time something “happened”, Nightmare Moon was defeated by a group of six mares. Though, nopony actually knew how they did it. Nopony just never questioned it.
*Ring!*
A very slight, but noticeable movement moved the blanket.
*Ring! Ring! Rin-*
“Alright! Alright! ALRIGHT!....I’ll….get up.”
The Pegasus pony slammed down the alarm clock, causing it to become silent once more.
Ditzy Doo, or as the other ponies have known the cross-eyed, blond haired and tailed mare as Derpy Hooves, got up from her warm bed, she woozily trotted to the bathroom, which was literally next door, where she proceed to do her normal “rituals”.
*Sigh*
“So much to do today….in this horrible rain even….I wonder when it was scheduled to stop even….”
She looked out her bathroom window before heading towards her kitchen.
Her house is located near the Everfree Forest.
When asked by another pony as to her decision to live there, she simply replied with a “Why not?” If Fluttershy could, why couldn't she as well? Besides, it’s usually silent for the most part.
Her house consisted of two floors.
Her first floor, obviously beginning with the entrance of her house, had a living room which led into the kitchen and towards the back of the house. The stairs stuck up from the left side of her living room, adjacent to the entrance.
Her second floor had a single bathroom which was conveniently placed in between two bedrooms, across from where the stairs would be. One of the bedrooms was her's which contained the queen sized bed. Directly opposite of her personal bedroom was a small study room, somewhat filled with books and scrolls.
“Done!”
She quietly took her breakfast to her small dining table and began eating it.
Contract to popular belief, she doesn’t always eat or overwhelmingly love muffins. Rather, at times, she likes to eat other food as well. The bread with butter and eggs combination that she is currently enjoying is but a few of many food choices she tends to enjoy.
She quickly cleaned up, pulled out her “mask” and left the house in a jiffy, locking the door and switching the lights off of course.
Even though it still rained, she had a duty to uphold, the duty of being a mailmare and apparently, being the town’s “laughingstock” as some ponies have put it. Reason being so was because she was terrible at flight, had cross eyes, had a speech problem and was believed to be easily bribed if a muffin was involved. It did hurt her mentally and sometimes physically, but she had developed a “solution” to overcome it. She developed a façade, which is her “mask”.
With the usage of her “mask”, not only was she able to act freely as she could, she was able to “positively” correspond to the ponies’ insults with much lesser pain when she delivered the mail.
She was glad that today was one of those days that no pony had decided to exit their homes. She thought it was a rather good exchange in fact, being wet instead of being mocked for the one millionth time.
As she continued to slowly trot, rather than fly there in order to keep up with the facade, she decided to look at the time off of the giant clock that was recently built at the Town Square.
She panicked.
It read 7:30 AM.
She had about thirty minutes to get to the Post Office which was located at the other end of town.
She started to gallop.
The rain consistently blurred her vision, but she still galloped at the direction she was headed towards to, hoping to not crash into anything.
Thunder was heard in the grey, rainy sky.
She came to a stop and paused.
Rain continued to pour all around her, but she didn’t care. Instead, she gasped at the direction she was trying to look towards to. There was only an open field filled with numerous crops. The Post Office was not there, obviously indicating that she went the wrong direction.
*Sigh*
“So this is the first time I’ll be late to the Post Office? Hope I don’t get fired….”
She started to gallop towards the correct direction that the Post Office was located.
The thunder decided to openly roar throughout the grey sky. She simply did not pay much attention to it, her job having more priority then her own safety.
At long last, the Post Office was in view due to its rather bright blue coating.
She ran up to the entrance and tried to open the door. Except, the door was locked, a small "Closed" sign lay stuck on the bottom left side of the door’s window.
“….And I thought it’ll be opened today”
She started to head back home, head lowered.
The previous day, she had received news that the Post Office would be operational, stating that the weather wouldn’t be too much of a burden for the mail ponies. Guess that kind of back fired or she was simply tricked by her coworkers.
She continued to trot down the road, seemingly devoid of life.
The buildings, the homes, and stands continued to lay drenched without a care in the world. When she looked towards one side that was stacked with numerous houses next to one another, most of them had their curtains pulled down. Some had families near the fireplace, enjoying quality family time playing games and looking happy.
“Looking happy?”
How long she had wished to have a family of her own. But because of her “conditions”, she seemed to have a great difficulty of finding a suitable stallion that would love her the way she was. Heck, she even considered adoption, but Foal Protection Services denied her a foal to take care of.
“How I wish. Oh, how I wish to have a family of my own….”
She continued to think about it more intensively, but gave up when reality was such a buck to the tree to her. The cursed shall forever be cursed forever as they would put it…
The sound of thunder was heard once more.
The rain did not relent in its righteous mission of soaking anything that it touched.
She wondered what she’ll do once she got home. Maybe, she’ll have a cup of hot coco before heading off to take a bubble bath to clean herself off?
Without realizing it, the thunder struck. This time, it didn’t just act as a simple "light display". This time, it had struck her due to her being too bothered with her own thoughts to even notice the incoming thunder strike.
What she had felt was unimaginable loads of pain. Steam was radiating off of her now black coated body before “calmingly” falling over onto one side…without much of a single sound.
Her eyes were still wide, filled with shock. She didn’t know, but it was a better thing that she didn’t due to the fact that the thunder had struck a gaping hole in her stomach which in turn, affected one of her wings as well. However, she wasn’t able to feel anything; rather, she felt so much pain coursing through her body that it seemed that she was accustomed to this type of lifestyle long ago.
It reminded her too much of the time when several ponies that strongly disliked her, decided to badly injure her in an alleyway when she was assigned to deliver in Manehattan. She remembered that they called themselves The Anti-Derpy Coalition.
She doesn’t exactly remember what caused them to strike at her in the first place, but it was probably because of her eyes and the suggested “stupidity” associated with them. Though untrue, she resorted against fighting back so that she didn’t risk getting fired from the only job that accepted her. Instead, she proposed on transferring to another branch which happened to be located in Ponyville. That "little event" happened six years ago...
She laughed.
Remembering past memories now is rather awkward indeed.
Still, no ponies were to be found. No pony even bothered to look towards her general direction, too busy with their own “chores”.
As the rain continued to shower the once gray mare into oblivion, she cursed at her life, wishing it to be much better. She didn't quite do much this life, but she still wished that her next life would be a lot better than this one had ever been.
She had a bit of a trouble staying conscious, but she didn't even bother to fight to stay conscious.
She had enough of what this life had provided and was more then ready to move on to the next one....if there was a next one....
For the very last time, her eyes closed.
Surrounding her body was a large pool of red liquid which consistently “dissolved” as the rain continued to bombard into it.
And without notice, Ditzy or Derpy as everypony had called her, slipped into the light, welcoming the blissful sensation that it had provided.
And no pony would know until the next fateful morning, when the rain clouds are scheduled to be removed by then.
Without notice, Ditzy Doo had left this world and no pony would even care to even remember her...
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Will read and comment later, this sounds interesting and not to common.
And ps. YOU SHALL NOT BE FIRST!
Disliked because her name is Derpy Hooves, Not Ditzy Doo.
Oh horse apples, not Derpy!!
I do like it so far though, stay with it.
556792 Motherfucker you can't just do that dipshit
556792
Tis only the first chapter and you dislike tis because of a name?
Hmmm... so the first chapter ends with (what appears to be) the protagonist (apparently) dead. Tracking because I'm curious to see where you go from there.
Okay, now I have read it and here is my constructive critism:
a) I know what you are trying to achieve with this story, and that is cute Creds to you.
b) Is this suppose to be a one-shot story, or will their be more chapters? I found it pretty unclear...
c) You are telling a story. You should really try to show your story instead (I'll talk more about this later in the comment. If you still want a more specific example, I can give you one in a pm.)
d) In my opinion, you over use her name. "Dizzy said, Dizzy stated, Dizzy thought..." This is mostly only needed when several characters are involved in a dialouge. Now, when there's only one character, you should try to focus more on what she felt after saying the words instead of state that she is said it. The reader will now that it is she talking instead. Example:
" “So this is the first time I’ll be late to the post office? Hope I don’t get fired….” stated Ditzy as she started to try to correctly gallop to the post office this time. "
" "So this is the first time I'll be late to the post office? Hope I don't get fired..." She tried to fly faster, but it was hard to keep straight in the strong winds. But she was determined to go faster; just the bare thought of getting fired made her feel anxious. "
e) You could use a proof reader . If English was my native language, I would have happily helped you...
Summarize: I think this could be a very good story. You have an interesting start and you have a good stand to build a touching story. What I think you will profit by is reading this No, srsly press it. It will explain more about "show, don't tell" and the other things I have mentioned. If you want me to pre-read (NOT proof read, they are two diffrent things) a chapter and tell you what you could improve before you submiting it I wouill gladly do so! Just send me an pm and we talk more about it...
It is to early to up/down-vote, but I will keep a close eye on this story by favouriting it (it is the only thing that helps me track a story with ease)! I hope you continue with this story and I wish you luck ! May the friendship be strong with you.
556906 Woah there, boy! What happened to love and tolerance? Oh wait, I forgot. You're obviously a clopper 556909 I know that feeling, bro. I undisliked and reliked, because the general Idea of the fic is very amusing. You have to work on your times and your grammar (not to mention, your punctuation!) ! Are you english, may I ask? Just wondering.
557695 Fucker you can't just dislike because it has different taste
557698 I disliked it because there were a TON of grammatical and punctuational mistakes. Now, I'm not a bully or anything, but people must be sure that their grammar is intact before writing fics. Props to the author for putting effort into his story, I appreciate people who are hard-working. Undisliked.
Disliked because her name is Derpy Hooves, Not Ditzy Doo
well then you should of thought of that before you said that, this guy put a ton of effort into this and you dislike it cuz of a name shitdip
557440
a) Oh do you? :3
b) Not a one-shot. If it was, would of been completed already, hence the incomplete status. :x
c) Maybe. I'll think about your generous offer.
d) I have a tenancy of restating her name even though there is one character in chapter 1. Too used to having multiple characters or being paranoid of not stating her name as much you see.... I'll try not to do it in chapter 2.
e) Lol. It's all good~
Thank you for the Favorite. ^_^ And of course I'll continue it~
557695
Yes, I am English.
I think the problems was that I was rather rusty writing this Fanfiction (Haven't wrote one in a while) and that it was around midnight (1 to 3 AM) that I decided to write this. xD
556804
I'm glad you like it....despite its apparent mistakes.
557722 I only listed one of the reasons why I disliked, and it's a pretty good one.
559603 a) I have my sucpissions hehe
b) Yea, but because this is your first time on fimfiction, I didn't know if that was a mistake or on purpose (the story felt like a one-shoot to me )
c) Do read the link I provided. It includes very good tips and things all authors could use in their stories.
e) (Searching for the examples I found yesterday. Can't find them anywhere...) DID YOU EDiT IT WHiLE I SLEPT
Ok... So Ditzy died... BEGIN THE CRAZY SHIT!
665545