“Hope” is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all - Emily Dickenson
Every 100 years in Equestria the Centennial Monsoon is made by weather Pegasi, but this storm is so huge it requires Alicorn magic to hold it together. It is the most important storm of the century. If it is messed up, Equestria will be changed forever. Can every pony handle the pressure, or will life in Equestria be doomed?
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You'd THINK that the Royal Equestrian Postal Service would have suspended ALL deliveries for the day of the monsoon. And why didn't Derpy know about the storm that ALL pegasi know about?
Fair Spoilerwarning: In the black boxes there are spoilers. Fer realzies. So If you plan to read the story - let them be.
First, I like your idea. It is an interestinc concept. And somehow I am curious how it would end.
Your grammar is good. Some minor typos but nothing too distracting.
hider should read hinder, methinks.
You tend to repeat yourself and use redundant phrases. It is no error persay - but its more convinient to read with ab it of variety.
"Where ist the Weather Team... they should be..."
Just at that moment the great gate got pushed open and the procession of Pegasi in their protective suits walked in.
So if you once write the princesses with their alicorn magic are needed its fine. Latter you should just stick to "magic" or "their magic" or "their power".
The story itself is fine and original. But there are a few issues so far. The idea of a storm every century to rejuvenate the land is fine. But some things feel kinda off.
The legend of the Queen and King is a nice idea - but the execution is strange. I don't know your headcanon on this - but even if the Pegasi can control the weather to a degree - the weather don't depend on them. So you have normal weather-patterns throughout Equestria and the rest of the world. But in populated areas they just hold off storms or make the days sunny to let it rain in nighttimes. And even there are borders to this (shown for example in the episode Look before you sleep) where the Weather Team prepears the town for an oncoming storm (they propably couldn't stop)
Then: It took the royalty a few years to figure out, that they run dry on water? This is - mildly spoken - hard to believe. It should be obvious after a few days (when the first ponys die of thirst). Things like "There was no water in all of Equestria" should attract a bit of attention.
The out-of-the-hat-evildoer appears like a bad excuse for bad things to happen. Why did he appear? What are his motives? (I only can imagine, that he want revenge for his horrid name, sorry. But "Black Hoof" is less spine chilling than sweat-drop-over-the-eye-inducing).
The last question is - why the heck did they contain the power of this grand storm in an artifact? Why didn't they just led it back over the ocean - or unoccupied lands - and let it wear off? ("What shall we do with all this nuclear weapons?" - "Ohm..." - "Maybe we nuke them somewhere far off, so they can't endanger us anymore..." - "No. Better Idea - We build one really really big one out of them and store them in my palace."
So. After this rude rant: The legend is off and really hard to believe. But - with one minor tweak you could get it right.
Let the evildoer stand behind the whole mess. He has - somehow - led to the decline and drought of the land. He was sucking live-energy out of the world to support his own power - to make himself a god (or something comparable). It took years for the inhabitants of Equestria to figure out why this happened. And the regular water-transport-flights to the next water-reservoirs got more and more ardous for the pegasi. At last the roalty decided to takte the risk with the big storm. Seeing his plans perishing (for the big storm and the inherent magic, would severly damage the curse he had woven) the evildoer planned to make this problem a virtue and get the storms power for himself. In a hard fight between the Royal pair and the pegasi, versus the evildoer and his minions, the baddy managed to conceal the power of the whole storm inside a chrystal, but he got defeated short after and before he could use the chrystals power. The curse was broken and all lived happy ever after.... until they noticed, the stone was much to dangerous, and had the tendency to suck up surrounding energy. Even contain the evil thing could only be a temporar solution, as it slowed only the process down a bit. So everey hundred years, Equestria is forced to USE the stone, to prevent getting it too powerfull. And here the Royal Sisters make a virtue, as they use the power for an overall rejuvinating storm all over Equestria (as a decent storm is needed every few decades)
Why aren't the other ponies aware of the comming storm? It would be one of the greates logistic challenges ever. So they should have at least messenger-pegasi to warn everypony in case of problems.
As it is a spoiler: Maybe its on purpose that the storm feeds itself from the princesses magic. But in this context it feels strange, that the princesses don't reckognize this themselfes.
You should consider an other wording than Mane6 to describe the Mane6
Its a name the fanbase gave them - but its no name for them IN the world resprectively in a story. This breaks the flow somewhat. Call them Element-bearers, the six or name them. But stay away from such meta-namings.
And as stated above: Why has nopony warned Derpy?
For her character: There are more depictions of her throughout the fandom. From only wall-eyed and a bit dreamy, but normal - to an outright idiot. Its up to you wich depiction appeals you more (personally I go for the first one. She cannot see three-dimensional wich could let act her clumsy sometimes, but she compensates this lack with a real good eye for details and a love for books and stories. She is dreamy and easily distracted - but not dumb)
All in all - there are no outright mistakes here. But some points should be clarified or explained better, so the reader can go with it.
For a first story its really nice done. Keep on.
5528285 The story has potential but I'm with Pankrazius here.
There were a few narrative flaws which Pankrazius has already pointed out.
Aside from that it's written quite well for your first story. It has decent suspense and captures the readers attention.
Also it succeedes in drawing an image to the inner eye. However I think you did it too fast.
Things are happening in a rapid staccato. That's okay, as it mirrors the frequency of your stories events. What is not okay, is letting the frequency of events influence the way you're telling the story, too much.
Then the image before the readers inner eye cannot be properly processed before it is replaced by the next one.
All in all, I see potential in the idea. In the handling of the situation as well, as in the aftermaths. (Maybe a sidestory with Fluttershy and Derpy in far away lands).
If you do not already have a proofreader and an editor I would advice you to search for one.
I can guess WHY nopony thought to warn her....the idiot who was supposed to remembered the mess with the Town Hall......
I like the pacing so far! I'd place the reading level at Young Adult, making it accessible to a wide audience.
A little nit picking:
[nits have been picked!!!]
5527901 One would think. But I thought it would be fitting of Derpy to be, well, Derpy, and be out and about.
5528285 Thank you so much for the constructive criticism. I was hoping somebody would say that. I will try to edit the Legend, because I knew it was a way far fetched. I just needed someone to point out all the holes in it. Thank you so much!!!
Lots of great action! I'm liking it!
The revised Legend is very good!
One continuity issue, Aquarius offers to bring the box latter, then states that Galaxia asked him to bring it.
EDIT: Revised list of Lots of nitpicks... [ctrl-f] is your friend. These should all be in order of occurrence. I created the list in a separate editor and pasted it in here, so I didn't have to scroll away from the text.
EDIT: Your description of 'The Procellica' varies from 'strange box,' to 'box,' or 'stone,' and once 'Tempest Jewel.' You might spice it up a bit with 'mystic box' or 'artifact.'
There are a few new nits listed here.
/“Yes,” She relied/“Yes,” She replied/
/more courage then she felt/more courage than she felt/
/We all have our right places to be nervous/
/We all have our reasons to be nervous/
/We all have reason to be nervous/
/hider us from the task/hinder us from the task/
words like mystic or srtica
/rise on their own time/rise in their own time/
/Ponies were dying and suffering/Ponies were suffering and dying/
/reached edge of the world/reached the edge of [thier lands]/
/Queen Galaxia and he most loyal servants/Queen Galaxia and her most loyal servants/
/dying of lack of it/dying for lack of it/
/and they spent the that night/and they spent that night/
/how powerful the storm got/how powerful the storm grew/
/King Aquarius and his subject/King Aquarius and his subjects/
/was he was getting himself into/what he was getting himself into/
/All the ponies of Equestria and terrified/All the ponies of Equestria were terrified/
/Black Hoof, was in return, banished/Black Hoof was, in turn banished/
/be prepared to take of/be prepared to take off/
/from here on out.” Celestia commanded/from here on out,” Celestia commanded/ [just a comma]
/Merely opening the stone was taking a toll her her strength/Merely opening the stone box was taking a toll on her strength/
/and the Weather Team took of and prepared for action/and the Weather Team took off and prepared for action/
/Amidst the thunder a lighting screamed of terrified Pegasi could be heard/Amidst the thunder and lighting screams of terrified Pegasi could be heard/
/in the wildest manor anyone had seen/in the wildest maner anyone had seen/
/staining to keep it together/straining to keep it together/
/break of the main storm/break off of the main storm/
/Twilight was left to the storm/Twilight was left to fight the storm alone/
/out of her horn that second/out of her horn in that second/
/and a beam and ancient/and a beam of ancient/
/Remember from the story, you told us. The storm absorbs magic/Remember from the story you told us, the storm absorbs magic/ [punctuation]
/Thats when the rain hail started/Thats when the hail started/
5529123 Thanks. I will fix these as best as I can.
Oh lordy! A cliffhanger!
Edit: A few nitpicks:
/that he never really go to reach his destination/[that he was able to warn only a few ponies]
I suppose that all worked out for the better in the end. Less panic.[First person but no subject?]
/The stupid bunny was sitting in the path of the monster monsoon/[Angel is not stupid, just very stubborn and over protective]
/“Derpy!” Cried a heavily accent pony, that could only be Applejack./
“Derpy!” The heavily accented cry that could only be Applejack was lost to the storm/
/This time Derpy hear/This time Derpy heard/
"Whoa…” Derpy muttered [some how AJ hears her muttering over the sotrm?]
/would think a storm that size as 'cool'?/
would think a storm that size was 'cool'?/
would think of a storm that size as 'cool'?
5528379 Thank you. I will try to slow it down and search for an editor.
5529219 Thank you. I have tried to correct most of the errors, but I have one heck of a time trying to find errors myself. I went over it more this time, but there is still probably lots of errors in it.
This needs human and dark/sad tags now
My expectation of random humour is lost
5536219 Yeah, in my head it was going to be funny and magical. I just don't know what happened.
5536939
I just don't know what went wrong
5536993 So theres that pony emoji... yes. I really don't know what when wrong.
You should put a "human" tag on this story.
chapter four nits:
/set them nicely onto the bed of pine needles below/
set them [easily | gently] onto the bed of pine needles below/
/“I hope it isn't the Everfree forest.” Fluttershy hoped./“I hope it isn't the Everfree forest.” Fluttershy said./[redundant]
“That.” Derpy pointed her hoof at a skinny, male human tumbling through the forest in raged clothes.
[Are we to assume that Derpy and Fluttershy know what humans are? This is after EQGirls? ]
/where she was greeted was a shower of bullets/where she was greeted with a shower of bullets/
/flying high from a tower at the end of a forest/flying high from a tower at the end of the forest/
[don't reveal the 'barbed' wire in it's first mention, maybe just 'loosely coiled wire']
/although she didn't think the she could/although she didn't think that she could/
/she her two of the loud bangs/she heard two of the loud bangs/
chapter five nits:
/Earlier the hour/[Just a short while ago]
/After that afternoon’s kerfuffle/[according to http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/kerfuffle, kerfuffle has its origins in Gaelic, so a WWII Jew would not use this. Merriam-Webster online dictionary says the first known usage was 1949.]
/Through the trees he saw a bright pink and yellow/[... a bright flash of ...]
/It really was a pink a yellow creature/It really was a pink and yellow creature/
/She missed all of the little animals and angel,/She missed all of the little animals and Angel,/[capitalization]
/They had all been busy/They had all been so busy/
/a wooden fence with building inside it./a wooden fence with [some | several] buildings inside it./
/buried her face her hooves/buried her face in her hooves/
/he had seen in the woods all day/he had seen in the woods that day/
/That night when they were sent to their barracks/That night after they were sent to their barracks/
/Strangely enough there was the little pink and yellow creature crying./There at the edge of the forest was the little pink and yellow creature, crying.
/Defiantly a female/definitely a female/
/put his had on its shoulder/put his hand on its shoulder/
/put his had on any/put his hand on any/
/He didn't real want to answer that/He didn't really want to answer that/
/She felt more tears from in her eyes/She felt more tears fall from in her eyes/
/coming for inpection/coming for inspection/
Chapter six nits:
/Fluttershy moseyed her way over to when Derpy had fallen asleep/Fluttershy made her way over to where Derpy had fallen asleep/[moseyed to me implies a care-free attitude]
/There is an awful lot of them lately./There are an awful lot of them lately./
Warm Fuzzies!
Chapter seven nits:
/waved good bye and/waved good bye to/
/Fluttershy did not ever what/Fluttershy did not ever want/
/I’m sirius./I’m serious./
/colorful balls of furry adorableness walked in with him/colorful balls of furry adorableness that walked in with him/
/Shcoked/Shocked/
/but they had no idea how powerful it really way./but they had no idea how powerful it really was./
/the the evening after that/and the evening after that/
5530440
Typos are damn hard to find by oneself.
Second best is to take a few days and then look over your text. I bet you'll find more typos then watching right after writing (at least this is my experience).
The best is to ask anyone willing to look over your lines for you. As they don't know what you have written (and therefore don't autocorrect words in their brain - the reason why its so hard to find errors by oneself)
Oh wow. Remarkable change. I am impressed.
Somehow I didnt check the 'Tracking'-box on the story (and wondered why there are no updates...).
Anyway, stumbled upon your work again - and now propperly checked the box.
I read the story now and I will place anything I can find here - so you can take care of it.
Typos are sneaky little animals - the more eyes watchint, the better, I think.
Anyway I try to don't give redundant help, as TuxOKC point out typos on his/her own.
Chapter 1:
- 5th paragraph about center: "Applejack on the other hand" - "Applejack on the other hoof" I would suggest.
- Same paragraph last third: "Celesia" - "Celestia"
Chapter 2:
- three times the word spandex in the first paragraph. You could use 'of this material' or anything like this instead. Or you really like spandex - then let it untouched.
For reasons of variety: one of the Princesses - maybe Luna - could actualy like her spandex-suit. Would explain why she wasn't fuzzing as much as the others... But its just me 
- in the dialoge under the first paragraph: "She relied" - "She entrusted" if you meant, Twilight said the words in privacy to Luna. To rely is more like knowing someone is there for you, no matter what, while to entrust literally means to say something in privacy to someone other.
- hider should read hinder (its the second or third paragraph - a few lines above the scene break (---)
For the legend:
- you should vary with the names. Quen Galaxia, could be referred to as the Queen or just Galaxia or "My Mother". Same goes for King Cosmow - as Father or just Cosmos.
- Tartirus shoul read Tartarus (about the end of the legend)
- Black Hoof
But its Ok - its your evildoer. (So no offense. 
)
- last paragraph you write the word die two or three times. You could use "perish" or simply "get hurt" instead.
Chapter 3:
- 1st paragraph: I would say, the ponies were prepared that there could maybe be danger (even if the weather renders it impossible to warn them directly). And the last sentence (I suppose...) doesn't make sense. Is this some kind of authors-comment?
- 2nd paragraph: To write that it is the biggest storm Fluttershy had ever seen is a bit telling. Better would be to describe the heat suddenly dropping down, the rolling clouds covering the sky like mountains of molten lead, the first wailing wind blows, the shadow falling as the sun got devoured. Dont just tell its the biggest storm - MAKE it the biggest storm ever.
- 3rd paragraph (directly after the dialog) "...they muttered a thank you..." - "...they muttered a 'thank you'..."
- its a bit mean to call Derpy a silly filly. But its your Derpy - so its up to you to describe her
- It is not necessary to describe AJ as heavily accented. It is - again - telling. Especially as she yells just a few words (without readable accent at all). Everyone knows how AJ speaks - so it is fine to write her with accent if one want so - but you don't need to force it by telling.
Chapter 4:
Ok... Its getting dark. In sense of REAL dark. I didn't expect that... Well, anyway.
May I help you with the german phrases you used?
After reading it for a few times I came to the conclusion the men (propably german soldiers or KZ-guards or something are commanding their dogs. Am I right?
"Holen Sie ihn" - "Packt ihn!" (This would be about that what you wanted to say.) "Fass!" (Not meant as Fass / barrel but as command form of fassen / to grab, to catch would be the dog-command to catch someone)
"Schneller Sie stumme Hunde" - "Schneller ihr dummen Hunde" (Your dogs may be dumb but they are not mute and germans may be known for correctnes and polite manners - but they won't refer with "Sie" to their dogs. This is the most polite salutation in german - like the usage of "you sir" in english or the combination of name / fathername / surname in russian.)
"Komm zurück du dummer Hund" (its correct this way - but in regular speach the soldier would most likely use the word 'blöd' instead of 'dumm' - its meaning the same - as its a bit more powerfull and could get yelled easier - and bonus: it contains an Umlaut.)
(by the way - thank you for using german language in your text. I am about to try the same stunt (with another offset however) and here I could see how it works. Nice.
- Between the second and the third german phrase, Fluttershy shots up about the trees: "bolted up to the sky, where she was greeted was..." - "..., where she was greeted with"
Chapter 5:
- What pain-killing herbs could that be, that would grow in a garden in this area? (This question is more a pet of mine)
-- Wolf's bane - Arnica montana is pain-ceasing and anti-inflamatory and shoul grow in the area. Though its poisonous to eat.
-- Common Valerian - for internal pain-ceasing and easening.
-- Sage - Salvia officinalis
Although none of them really helps. It could at best mitigate the pain. But after your description Derpy is in dire need of medical care.I'll go with your explanation.“These taste awful.” Derpy grumbled with a full mouth. (Yes... There's a reason why it is called 'wolf's bane' and not 'wolf's favorite chewing toy')
I am at the scene where Sebastian and Fluttershy met.
One question: Why could they understand each other? Wich language do ponies talk? If it's english - then is Sebastian an english or american POW (would be unlikely, as POWs were held in prison-camps not in concentration-camps.)
Especially as you point out, that germans speak some kind of other language incomprehensible for the ponies.
This point need clarification.
"I'm Fluttershy. I don't usually cry like this." ... what a smooth lie
... sorry. couldn't resist.
Chapter 6:
nothing else found. (besides the things mentioned from Tux)
Chapter 7:
Ok. Maybe the ponies don't realize the situation in wich they are. But I go with Derpy - Fluttershys plan is ridicolous.
And obviously this camp is not guarded at all. I mean - the two pegasi are not really inconspicuous. Why did no one recognize them?
I have the feeling the story starts to meander at this point. There is no clear focus to an potential end - or any idea where this should lead later. (I know - its not complete yet, but the end of the last chapter is no cliffhanger at all. You just don't have anything to expect now)
Now some overall points:
I think you pulled a really hard theme for your story. I cant even imagine how to discribe the situation in a concentration camp and walk the fine line between respect, historical correctness and a good plot. So, you have my cudos alone for trying this.
But where do you want to go from here on? It is no comedy at all (as long as you don't want to pull something like this) For an adventure it lacks (so far - you could change that of course) of action or adventourus events. It has drama so far. But that is not really fulfilling so far.
And there is one other question bothering me: Are Derpy and Fluttershy the only two ponies sucked through this storm? I mean it is highly unlikely, that two ponies on pracitally one point disapear but the whole rest of Equestria left unaffected.
5556091
On the question of why only FS and Ditzy are the only ponies drawn through the Rift, It's just Ponyville being Ponyville
5558015 Because every story has an element where you need to stretch your belief a little bit. Having only Fluttershy and Derpy sucked into the storm is mine (along with a crap ton of other things).
5556091 Thank you so much for correcting me on the German and anything else really. You have no idea how much I appreciate you correcting what needs to be fixed. I tried to follow most of the things you sent me, and yes I finally got around to changing Black Hoof. His name did really throw off the Legend, so instead I used one of the many latin words for evil.
Oh and the reason I call Derpy a Silly Filly, is because she really is. I mean this to be playful and funny, not demeaning.
Oh and on the language thing, I was looking at that too. I am not sure how to explain it. Sebastian is Polish. I always thought that the pony magic was an automatic translator, but in my story it is not. I could just put these in english, but I really like other languages, so if you have any ideas how I can go about that I am totally open to new suggestions.
5558063
The hard way would be to rebuild the speaking parts with body and sign language. (But I its a hell of work and I cannot tell how good the result will be)
If ponies really speak english, than Sebastian could just speak it too. I mean multilangual skills are no invention of recent times. If Sebastian is actually some member of the polish cultural elite he maybe speaks english - and propably german.
You would shift the problem from "Why do ponies understand Sebastian but not the german soldiers" to "Why do ponies speak english". It is still a issue in need to take care off - but I feel it could be easier answered then the other problem.
5558052
You are in no hurry to adress this issue right now. But you should let this option open for later use. IF you are in need of a further character or other assets from Equestria - you have the perfect reason for this.
Oooookay. Now its getting dark. Really dark.
There is a small issue in the last chapter.
You use some underlines or strikes to sepperate scenes in your chapter.
But with my page-formatting they are too long, so that a few strikes jump to the next line.
Maybe you use fewer strikes and center them, like
------------------------------------------
(using the "center" command)
looks nicer in my eyes. Or you use the classic three * * *
Ooh dear.
Yep... I am hooked. I want to know, where this is leading...
(and still hope for something like a happy end...)
5586549 Gosh, happy endings..... ummm........ maybe???
Yay. Update.
"A stamped of prisoners" - "A stampede of prisoners"
"“I hurt.” Derpy complained." - this seems wrong at least. But here I don't know the exact conventions for direct speech or idioms.
"“Please.” He begged. The poor kid knew his fate." - In this case I would think Sebastian speaks german (as he try to convince the soldier)
Ok. Now I am lost. WHY has the nazi shot himself?
"Their eyes flashed back to their friend. His eyes glazed over and he fell face forward into the dirt. Fluttershy ran up to his body." Ok - we know Fluttershy runs towards Sebastian. But as it is written it reads as if she were running towards the dead nazi.
"A Natzi shouted" - "A Nazi shouted"
5603465 The Nazi shot himself because the Jews escaped and he knew he would be punished for it, and sometimes death was better then the punishments that were laid out for the Nazi's. I think.
5603465 Oh and when Derpy says "I hurt" it is a way of shortening the sentence to show a point. Shortening it kind of shows that she is in so much pain she doesn't have it in her to speak full sentences, or form full thoughts.
5603510
Uhm.
I knew, some SS-Officers, Gauleiter (kind of gouverneurs in the third reich) and other officials commited suicide in the last phase of the war.
Maybe (regular) soldiers choses death befor a dispatchment to the east-front.
And even if this guy was awaiting a harsh punishment (possible, I really don't know) suicide would more be likely after the turmoil. So in the night, after its clear, that hundreds of detainees had escaped. It would be more likely, if the Nazi joins the other guards as it seems, they aren't "done" with their work...
Anyway - without explanation this whole thing just don't make sense (at least to me as reader)
Oh - and furthermore: Guards would more use rifles (Karabiner 98) instead of pistols. If its a SS-soldier he would propably use an MP40 /MP41 submachine gun.
You can assume, that the soldier was forced to took his secondary gun, because his rifle ran out of ammo. But I would advise you against doing so - would be unnecessary complicating the explanation.
Wow. Congratulations for your first finished story.
And thanks for your note at the end.
It turned out to be something completly different from what I expected. But it was an interesting experience - to read, aswell as to comment.
I think - besides a few nits yet to bepicked, its a pretty good work for a first story.
So I hope you keep on writing.
5605768 Thank you for the encouragement and the constructive comments! I really appreciate that. I am not going to go into depth on the gun in this story, but it will be good to know for future stories.
Who forgot to remind Derpy of the storm?
Little nitpick:
Fillies are young girls for ponies/horses
Mare are the adult verisons