Clouds

by Zuzuers

Chapter Seven: Wings of Hope

Eventually Sebastian had to run back to his barracks before the morning role call. Fluttershy and Derpy waved good bye and their mutual friend. Fluttershy’s face sunk. The poor little boy would be going off to suffer another day of torture.

“Fluttershy,” Derpy asked, “Why do you look so sad?”

“Well,” Fluttershy began, “I… He… Do you know what this place is?”

Derpy shook her head.

“Well, it’s… it’s… it’s a d..d…death camp.”

“What’s that?” Derpy asked. Her innocence was to be spared no longer.

“It’s where they put innocent people they don’t like before they kill them. They torture them, Derpy.” Tears were forming in Fluttershy’s eyes.

“Why would anybody do that?” Derpy almost screamed. Anger was bubbling up in the little grey pony. Innocent people never deserve to die.

“Because there are humans who are evil. Really, truly evil.” Fluttershy explained. The tears were flowing freely now.

“Even fillies and colts?” Derpy was fuming with anger. Real anger. Not the anger she felt when a stupid pegasus ran into her when she was delivering mail. Not the anger she felt at her daughter when she did something naughty. No. None of those compared to the anger she was feeling now. It was the anger that is caused in any being with a heart against injustice.

“Those evil humans deserve to die.” She snarled and stormed off into the woods.

“Derpy,” Fluttershy called through thick tears, “go to the clouds!”

Derpy pretended not to hear and she left Fluttershy crying alone.
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Later that day Fluttershy made her way from the ground and to the clouds. There was still no sign of Derpy anywhere. Fluttershy contemplated whether she should go down and find her, but she decided against it. Fluttershy did not ever what to come close to the flying bullets again.

After some time Derpy made it up to the cloud where Fluttershy was at.

“Hey, Fluttershy.” She mumbled as she crashed down next to her, “Sorry for being so mad, but… but… it made me really mad. It’s not fair.”

“It’s okay, Derpy. I don't know why anyone would ever do something like that, either. It’s not right.” Fluttershy replied.

“Maybe we could free them.” Derpy suggested. Fluttershy’s eyes widened. She hadn't thought of that.

“How?” Fluttershy asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe we could go all Rainbow Dash on those evil humans’ hind ends.” Derpy replied.

Fluttershy laughed. Never in her life had she heard something so ridiculous and sensible at the same time. “Maybe.” She laughed.

“No,” Said Derpy, who was slightly offended that her friend was laughing at her, “I’m sirius.”

“I know. That’s why I am laughing.”

“That’s rude.” Derpy was now glaring intensely at Fluttershy. She caught Derpy’s glare and stopped laughing immediately.

“Sorry.” She muttered, realizing her mistake. Derpy sniffed in disapproval.

“Since you obviously think my idea is stupid, what do you suggest we do, ‘cause I am not going to sit around here and do nothing while people get tortured.”

Fluttershy paused for a moment, deep in thought.

“We could sing.” She finally said. It was now Derpy’s turn to laugh.

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard!” Derpy guffawed.

“Yeah, it’s not fighting, but it’s giving them hope.” Fluttershy said. Derpy shut up. Hope is a very special thing. It’s a wild thing with wings. It sings in the heart and makes it beat. It tells you, you can go on even when your brain says no. It tells you nothing is impossible, even when it is. Hope says you are worth something, even when the world says you are not. Hope is a very good thing to give.

“Yeah, but hope only goes so far?" Derpy objected.

"I know."

"We need to fight." Derpy demanded.

"With what? Our hooves? You saw what those evil men have. Those exploding sticks kill the humans in 1 bullet. We would be toast." Fluttershy argued.

"But... But..."

"But, nothing. We need an army. The people who would be our army have no hope. Trust me, I work with beaten and abused animals. They can't do anything unless you heal them first. We.. It.. asking them to fight would be like asking a bird to fly with broken wings. These people are broken. They need healing, not another person yelling at them telling them to fight." Fluttershy couldn't believe what had come out of her mouth. The anger and pain that Sebastian had suffered for the past nine months had been passed to her.

"So we are supposed to get an army by singing to them?"

"No we give them hope by singing to them. We heal them. We have to tell them they are worth something. When they are healed then we can ask them to fight. That day will come soon, just not now."

“Okay, then tonight?” Derpy asked.

“Tonight. Tonight, we give Sebastian and all the other humans hope.” Fluttershy answered.

***

That night Derpy and Fluttershy dashed down from the clouds to the barracks. Sebastian was waiting for them outside.

“We’re coming in!” Derpy announced .

“Shhhhhhhhh…” Sebastian and Fluttershy scolded.

“You are not coming in.” Sebastian said.

“Why not?” Derpy asked. The passionate fire was back in her voice.

“Shhhhhhhh…..” Sebastian and Fluttershy scolded, again.

“Humans may not like you.”

“We are colorful balls of soft fur and adorableness. Humans will be fine.” Derpy stated as she tried to nudge Sebastian aside.

“No.” He grunted and shoved Derpy back.

“Sebastian, we came to sing to you.” Fluttershy whispered.

“What?” Sebastian asked. He remembered when his mother used to sing to him. She would sing to him on the nights he had nightmares. It had been three years since he heard her sing, and every one of those nights he had a million nightmares. He would never get the chance to hear his mother sing again. He would never get the chance to see his mother again.

“Derpy and I want to sing to you.” Fluttershy said. This time with more confidence.

“Fine,” Sebastian gave in, “but make it quick.” Secretly he wanted to hear these ponies sing, and he knew that everyone in his barracks could use a good song in their heads. Maybe it would replace the screams of pain and sights of horror from the day and drown out the endless moans in the night.

When Sebastian walked in everyone was genuinely shocked to see two colorful balls of furry adorableness walked in with him. Shocked, but willing to accept it as real. These kids were so hopeless that they were willing to take in any form of sunshine that they could.

“We are here to sing!” Derpy announced loudly. There was a moment of silence. No one knew what to think of the two pegasi. Well, no one, until the youngest in the group spoke up.

“What in the name of heavens are you?” The five year old boy asked.

“We are pegasi, from Equestria, and we know you are in desperate need of hope.” Derpy announced once more, “Fluttershy is going to sing for you.”

“I am.” She gulped.

“Yes, yes, you are.”

“Well, um…” Fluttershy muttered, “Everyone go to….. Uh…. where should we go, Sebastian?”

Sebastian lead Fluttershy to his bunk. All of the children followed. As many as could fit hopped up to his bunk. The ones that didn't sat on the floor in eager anticipation. Fluttershy was soon surrounded by children

“Hi, I am Fluttershy,” She said, “uh…. and my friend is Derpy.” Derpy nodded. She had sat herself on the floor by the other children.

“Do you want to hear the song I sing to my animals when they are scared or sad?” Fluttershy asked Sebastian. He nodded. There were nine other little boys cuddled at his bunk. Many were leaning on her, or curled up by her belly. They were all so horribly thin and tiny and desperate. Their wide eyes were focused on the pink and yellow pony. Fluttershy curled her tail around as many as she could and sang.

“Sunshine, sunshine

life is unkind

just know you are a sunshine

know you are my sunshine

Shine bright, Sunshine

life is mean

just know you’re my sunshine

please shine for me”

By the end of her song, many of the kids were crying. Not the tears of sadness that they so often cried, but tears of joy. They had not heard such soft words in such a long time. Even Sebastian was shedding tears. Fluttershy heard the harsh call of the guards.

"I have to go." She announced.

“Don’t leave, Fluttershy.” One of the children called. Fluttershy had no choice. If she stayed she would get killed, or worse, the kids would be punished even more. Fluttershy flapped her wings, and flew out of the cabin. She was followed by Derpy. They dashed up to the clouds, and spent the night thinking about what they had just done. Hope was a very powerful thing to give, but they had no idea how powerful it really was.

***

That very next evening Fluttershy and Derpy snuck into the open door. As they surveyed the cabin they realized that there were more people there. Not just kids either. Adults. Mainly mothers to toddlers, but still grown humans. They looked just as hopeless as their children. Word had gotten around.

"Hi, I'm Fluttershy," Fluttershy began, but she never got to finish.

"And I'm Derpy," Announced Derpy. Sebastian was sitting on his bunk. He smiled at the two ponies. They walked to him and sat. The crowd of humans gathered around. They looked up at the two ponies with wide, hungry eyes.

"Ummm," Fluttershy muttered, trying to think of what she could sing to all these people. Oh, how she wished Rarity was here. She had the most wonderful voice. She could've helped. "Here goes nothing,

Yes, I know you spend your days

Wondering when you’ll be free

Screaming from all of the pain

Bleeding from all of your scars

Yes, I know it is so hard

trying to get through just one day

I have been where you are

Don’t ever loose the sun

Yes, I know you spend you days

locked in an endless haze

you just have to stay strong

Don’t you ever lose the sun

Yes, it may be covered in clouds

or hidden by a storm

just know they don't last

please don't ever loose the sun"

Fluttershy finished her song just as the sobs burst loose. One of the adults hid her face in her hands, crying profusely. A man who was sitting in the back stepped over the host of weeping children and adults to the bed where Sebastian was sitting. He grabbed Fluttershy and gave her an enormous hug.

"Thank you," He said, voice thick with emotion, "You have the voice of an angel."

Fluttershy hugged the man back. She herself was trying to keep back from tears.

"Thank you for listening." She managed to muster. The man set her down.

"All people from Barrack 9, we have to go." He announced softly.

"Same with all the people of Barrack 8."

"And 6."

Nearly all of the people got up and slipped out of the door an quietly as they could. When they left, Sebastian grabbed Derpy and Fluttershy and pulled them closer to him.

"Tommorrow, Okay." He said.

"Yup." The two ponies replied. There was a harsh call outside.

"I think the guards are coming." Said Sebastian. The two ponies ran to the door. They were serenaded with the calls of boys of whatever Barrack they were in.

"Bye!"

"Auf wiedersehen."

"Totdat we elkaar weer ontmoeten."

"Kochamy cię."

"Don't go."

Fluttershy and Derpy smiled at each other and the dashed up to the clouds under the cover of darkness. It felt good to give something to the people of Sobibor.

***

The next evening they did the same thing, the evening after that, and the one after that, and for a whole week they sang. Hope spread it’s little wings for the first time among the people of Sobibor. It fluttered around and united them. The hope that they had been deprived of for so long, grew.

Comments

[TuxOKC]

Warm Fuzzies!

Chapter seven nits:
/waved good bye and/waved good bye to/

/Fluttershy did not ever what/Fluttershy did not ever want/

/I’m sirius./I’m serious./

/colorful balls of furry adorableness walked in with him/colorful balls of furry adorableness that walked in with him/

/Shcoked/Shocked/

/but they had no idea how powerful it really way./but they had no idea how powerful it really was./

/the the evening after that/and the evening after that/

[Pankrazius]

Oh wow. Remarkable change. I am impressed.

Somehow I didnt check the 'Tracking'-box on the story (and wondered why there are no updates...).
Anyway, stumbled upon your work again - and now propperly checked the box.

I read the story now and I will place anything I can find here - so you can take care of it.
Typos are sneaky little animals - the more eyes watchint, the better, I think.
Anyway I try to don't give redundant help, as TuxOKC point out typos on his/her own.

Chapter 1:

- 5th paragraph about center: "Applejack on the other hand" - "Applejack on the other hoof" I would suggest.
- Same paragraph last third: "Celesia" - "Celestia"

Chapter 2:

- three times the word spandex in the first paragraph. You could use 'of this material' or anything like this instead. Or you really like spandex - then let it untouched. For reasons of variety: one of the Princesses - maybe Luna - could actualy like her spandex-suit. Would explain why she wasn't fuzzing as much as the others... But its just me

- in the dialoge under the first paragraph: "She relied" - "She entrusted" if you meant, Twilight said the words in privacy to Luna. To rely is more like knowing someone is there for you, no matter what, while to entrust literally means to say something in privacy to someone other.

- hider should read hinder (its the second or third paragraph - a few lines above the scene break (---)

For the legend:

- you should vary with the names. Quen Galaxia, could be referred to as the Queen or just Galaxia or "My Mother". Same goes for King Cosmow - as Father or just Cosmos.

- Tartirus shoul read Tartarus (about the end of the legend)

- Black Hoof But its Ok - its your evildoer. (So no offense. )

- last paragraph you write the word die two or three times. You could use "perish" or simply "get hurt" instead.

Chapter 3:

- 1st paragraph: I would say, the ponies were prepared that there could maybe be danger (even if the weather renders it impossible to warn them directly). And the last sentence (I suppose...) doesn't make sense. Is this some kind of authors-comment?

- 2nd paragraph: To write that it is the biggest storm Fluttershy had ever seen is a bit telling. Better would be to describe the heat suddenly dropping down, the rolling clouds covering the sky like mountains of molten lead, the first wailing wind blows, the shadow falling as the sun got devoured. Dont just tell its the biggest storm - MAKE it the biggest storm ever.

- 3rd paragraph (directly after the dialog) "...they muttered a thank you..." - "...they muttered a 'thank you'..."

- its a bit mean to call Derpy a silly filly. But its your Derpy - so its up to you to describe her

- It is not necessary to describe AJ as heavily accented. It is - again - telling. Especially as she yells just a few words (without readable accent at all). Everyone knows how AJ speaks - so it is fine to write her with accent if one want so - but you don't need to force it by telling.

Chapter 4:

Ok... Its getting dark. In sense of REAL dark. I didn't expect that... Well, anyway.

May I help you with the german phrases you used?
After reading it for a few times I came to the conclusion the men (propably german soldiers or KZ-guards or something are commanding their dogs. Am I right?

"Holen Sie ihn" - "Packt ihn!" (This would be about that what you wanted to say.) "Fass!" (Not meant as Fass / barrel but as command form of fassen / to grab, to catch would be the dog-command to catch someone)

"Schneller Sie stumme Hunde" - "Schneller ihr dummen Hunde" (Your dogs may be dumb but they are not mute and germans may be known for correctnes and polite manners - but they won't refer with "Sie" to their dogs. This is the most polite salutation in german - like the usage of "you sir" in english or the combination of name / fathername / surname in russian.)

"Komm zurück du dummer Hund" (its correct this way - but in regular speach the soldier would most likely use the word 'blöd' instead of 'dumm' - its meaning the same - as its a bit more powerfull and could get yelled easier - and bonus: it contains an Umlaut.)

(by the way - thank you for using german language in your text. I am about to try the same stunt (with another offset however) and here I could see how it works. Nice.

- Between the second and the third german phrase, Fluttershy shots up about the trees: "bolted up to the sky, where she was greeted was..." - "..., where she was greeted with"

Chapter 5:
- What pain-killing herbs could that be, that would grow in a garden in this area? (This question is more a pet of mine)
-- Wolf's bane - Arnica montana is pain-ceasing and anti-inflamatory and shoul grow in the area. Though its poisonous to eat.
-- Common Valerian - for internal pain-ceasing and easening.
-- Sage - Salvia officinalis
Although none of them really helps. It could at best mitigate the pain. But after your description Derpy is in dire need of medical care.I'll go with your explanation.

“These taste awful.” Derpy grumbled with a full mouth. (Yes... There's a reason why it is called 'wolf's bane' and not 'wolf's favorite chewing toy')

I am at the scene where Sebastian and Fluttershy met.
One question: Why could they understand each other? Wich language do ponies talk? If it's english - then is Sebastian an english or american POW (would be unlikely, as POWs were held in prison-camps not in concentration-camps.)
Especially as you point out, that germans speak some kind of other language incomprehensible for the ponies.
This point need clarification.

"I'm Fluttershy. I don't usually cry like this." ... what a smooth lie ... sorry. couldn't resist.

Chapter 6:

nothing else found. (besides the things mentioned from Tux)

Chapter 7:

Ok. Maybe the ponies don't realize the situation in wich they are. But I go with Derpy - Fluttershys plan is ridicolous.
And obviously this camp is not guarded at all. I mean - the two pegasi are not really inconspicuous. Why did no one recognize them?

I have the feeling the story starts to meander at this point. There is no clear focus to an potential end - or any idea where this should lead later. (I know - its not complete yet, but the end of the last chapter is no cliffhanger at all. You just don't have anything to expect now)

Now some overall points:

I think you pulled a really hard theme for your story. I cant even imagine how to discribe the situation in a concentration camp and walk the fine line between respect, historical correctness and a good plot. So, you have my cudos alone for trying this.

But where do you want to go from here on? It is no comedy at all (as long as you don't want to pull something like this) For an adventure it lacks (so far - you could change that of course) of action or adventourus events. It has drama so far. But that is not really fulfilling so far.

And there is one other question bothering me: Are Derpy and Fluttershy the only two ponies sucked through this storm? I mean it is highly unlikely, that two ponies on pracitally one point disapear but the whole rest of Equestria left unaffected.

[TuxOKC]

5556091
On the question of why only FS and Ditzy are the only ponies drawn through the Rift, It's just Ponyville being Ponyville

[Zuzuers]

5558015 Because every story has an element where you need to stretch your belief a little bit. Having only Fluttershy and Derpy sucked into the storm is mine (along with a crap ton of other things).

[Zuzuers]

5556091 Thank you so much for correcting me on the German and anything else really. You have no idea how much I appreciate you correcting what needs to be fixed. I tried to follow most of the things you sent me, and yes I finally got around to changing Black Hoof. His name did really throw off the Legend, so instead I used one of the many latin words for evil.
Oh and the reason I call Derpy a Silly Filly, is because she really is. I mean this to be playful and funny, not demeaning.
Oh and on the language thing, I was looking at that too. I am not sure how to explain it. Sebastian is Polish. I always thought that the pony magic was an automatic translator, but in my story it is not. I could just put these in english, but I really like other languages, so if you have any ideas how I can go about that I am totally open to new suggestions.

[Pankrazius]

5558063

The hard way would be to rebuild the speaking parts with body and sign language. (But I its a hell of work and I cannot tell how good the result will be)

If ponies really speak english, than Sebastian could just speak it too. I mean multilangual skills are no invention of recent times. If Sebastian is actually some member of the polish cultural elite he maybe speaks english - and propably german.
You would shift the problem from "Why do ponies understand Sebastian but not the german soldiers" to "Why do ponies speak english". It is still a issue in need to take care off - but I feel it could be easier answered then the other problem.

[Pankrazius]

5558052

You are in no hurry to adress this issue right now. But you should let this option open for later use. IF you are in need of a further character or other assets from Equestria - you have the perfect reason for this.