The Long Road Ahead
Trixie trotted along the worn path, surveying at the vast grasslands around her as a breeze swirled in the air. She chattered her teeth on occasion and held onto her hat, the blue fabric swaying with the wind. The mud beneath her was a gooey and wet concoction, enough so to where she couldn't feel her own hooves as she kept moving. The wooden fence to her left was a pale, but dark brown. Splinters and scars formed by the passage of time ran along much of it as parts of the fence struggled to stay up.
Where was she going? Trixie couldn't even figure that one out. She was just following the path before her, not even spending a millisecond to check any signs that rose up off to the side. Most of what was beside her was a fence anyway, and it wasn't like the signs would tell her anything important.
Trixie shifted her eyes towards the fence. Gazing at its withered form, Trixie sensed a twinge in her heart. One of the fence's segments broke off, the cacophonous snap echoing in the air. A searing pain coursed through Trixie as she flinched at the noise. Closing her eyes shut, Trixie hoped that splinters wouldn't lodge into her body. She froze in place before rubbing her eyes for a moment. There was a part of the fence, now in pieces before her. As she gazed at its broken form, Trixie's heart ached once more as she saw something inside of the fence. It was invisible and couldn't be heard or touched, but it was still there, taunting her with its presence.
Trixie saw herself. The fence's battered build had an uncanny resemblance to her soul and the mare she was on the inside. She wasn't the Great and Powerful Trixie. No, she was the Pathetic and Weak Trixie.
Trixie glanced at the world once behind her. Somewhere within that cluster of trees was the town of Ponyville. Trixie grimaced as she thought of the ponies that lived there and the wounds, physical and emotional, that she inflicted on the place. The mouse-like squeaking of the birdcage she once locked Mayor Mare in returned to her ears. The whimpers of those two colts, one of whom was round and chubby and the other slim, returned to her ears. And the amulet that she once wore that caused it all was somehow a blur.
The amulet's pulsing power was clear. Trixie couldn't forget how everything seemed to obey her will and how it constricted her neck like an enraged python. But other than those two things, everything she did with her power was just a faint memory. The only thing she knew for certain about what she did was that it filled her with a sense of dread, caused her heart to sink, and that it was vile.
"Then why did Twilight Sparkle forgive me?" Trixie asked herself. She swished her forelegs around and mud flew from them and into the air. Rubbing her head, Trixie tried to unearth the answer from within her mind. But no matter how far she dug down, she couldn't find even the slightest glimmer of an answer.
"Why? Why did she forgive me?" Trixie continued. Pounding the mud beneath her, Trixie resumed trotting forwards. "Nopony else likely did. They probably think I'm crazy!" Huffing and puffing, Trixie glanced at where Ponyville was one last time. Her eyebrows furrowed in the blink of an eye. "They think I'm a wannabe tyrant or a jealous magician!" Trixie swiveled her head back to the world ahead of her, which was a slight haze to her. Something wet tickled Trixie's cheeks and irritated her eyes. "But I'm none of those," she muttered to herself. "I'm the Great and Powerful Trixie." Speeding up as much as possible, Trixie pressed her hooves against the mud and panted every other second. The mud became thicker and deeper, a third of her leg covered in mud at some points. It was like pulling a sled that was carrying a ton of bricks.
"Stupid mud," Trixie huffed under her breath with her tongue sticking out. "Maybe wheels that can traverse over this easily wouldn't be so bad to have."
Trixie's face scrunched up as she grunted with every step she took. Her body was sinking into the mud, though not to where it would be a problem. Her cape, which had a few tiny, brown smudges on it, fluttered in the slight breeze and into Trixie's line of sight. The dirt stood out from the cape's ornate pattern, which caused Trixie to sigh. That was going to take some time to rub off once she got the necessary cleaning materials. "What a bother," Trixie whispered to herself.
Bringing her vision back in front of her, Trixie noticed a square-shaped object off in the distance. A thick, gray smoke was bellowing out of what appeared to be the chimney. Trixie's nostrils were tickled by the scent of fiery ashes that fluttered past her. She lifted her legs up and trotted closer to the source, the aroma more poignant as she went along. It smelled like an active kitchen to an extent, if such a scent existed. Trixie squinted at the building. She could make out the faintest red outline of letters that spelled out Diner.
"What is such a place doing out here?" Trixie asked herself. She rubbed her muzzle for a moment and closed her eyes. "Hmm." Sensing her curiosity wrestle control of her mind, Trixie trotted towards the diner. The thick mud loosened up and gave way a bit. At last, Trixie's legs were free from the slush's clutches.
The diner's exterior details became clearer to Trixie. Much like the wooden fence before it, the diner was constructed from an old, pale wood. It looked sturdy enough and could probably survive a sudden windstorm, but it was an eyesore as well. A thick layer of light gray dust covered much of the establishment, and the sign that hung off of the building's terrace squeaked like a mouse as it swayed in the wind.
Trixie couldn't help but bite her lip as she felt a presence swirl in her stomach. It was as though a ghost had found a home in there. Nevertheless, there was a sea of voices that echoed inside the building and the silhouettes of ponies were visible and moving about. Trixie felt the presence inside of her once more, this time with a beastly growl to go along with it.
"What am I worrying about?" Trixie questioned herself as she blushed. A quiet echo came from nowhere and polluted the air, which sounded like somepony calling her name. "I'm not paranoid," she added with a faint chuckle. "I'm just hungry after a long journey, that's all." Looking around the diner's entrance some more, a pair of gruff stallions appeared in Trixie's sight. One stallion had a coarse beard and an elaborate tattoo of a flaming skull on his back. The other stallion had a scar on his cheek and a baseball cap turned the wrong way. Both ponies were glaring at each other and hoof wrestling on a nearby barrel, their aura spreading throughout the area and tightening Trixie's legs.
"Maybe they're nice," Trixie whispered under her breath. She formed a sheepish grin and looked away from the pair. "But still, I shouldn't push my luck any further."
Taking a deep breath, Trixie trotted towards the entrance of the diner. The old, wooden floor's frigid state sent a chill down Trixie's spine that made her teeth chatter like maracas. A deafening creak split her eardrums, only for the noise to cease in an instant. There had to be some lit candles inside to warm things up a bit, at least that was what Trixie hoped was the case. But as Trixie made her way through the door, the chill still permeating in the air, she knew that such a hope wouldn't be happening.
The interior of the diner was simple, much to Trixie's surprise. It was just one large, open room with a few tables spread out and a pool table that was surrounded by four mountainous ponies whose eyes followed the billiard balls as they clacked into other billiard balls. There was also a bar where alcohol was shared and guzzled down in large portions, and a small stage off to the side in the back where ponies in craggy dresses or suits fiddled with the instruments in their hooves. The grinding noises they played that some called music filled the diner. Trixie felt her legs ready to run up to the group and knock the instruments out of their hooves to save her ears from the torture. However, looking at the muscular builds of the ponies up there for a second, some of them with glaring eyes that could scare a hydra, Trixie stepped back and merely shrugged. She decided to look around the establishment some more instead. Maybe they might have some earplugs to give her. The burnt, toxic stench of cigarette smoke didn't help her nostrils out either. However, none of the ponies appeared to be from Ponyville as far as she knew. Then again, the odds of anypony from that small town traveling all the way out here, let alone recognizing her, were zero.
"Let's just get this over with," Trixie muttered to herself as her muscles tightened. She sighed, rolled her shoulders, and made a beeline towards the bar. Twisting her body to make her way through the empty chairs that were in the middle of her path as well as the occasional mare or stallion that blocked her by accident, Trixie wiggled her legs as she tried to stay upright on her journey. "Excuse me," Trixie said on many occasions as she rubbed against some of the more muscular or corpulent patrons. It felt like trying to squeeze through a small crack in a worn down brick wall.
Reaching for the nearest empty bar stool she could find, Trixie unconsciously jumped up and landed onto the red cushion in a seating position. She couldn't help herself from smiling as she reflected on her little stunt. Applauding herself afterwards, Trixie let out a quiet, but enthusiastic cheer. That couldn't have gone any better.
"Uh, excuse me?" a voice called from nearby. A tan colored unicorn mare with a light brown mane trotted towards Trixie with a blank, almost eerie visage. She was levitating a mug and rubbing it with a white cloth using her magic, the two objects having a tan aura around them. "What was the clapping all about, anyway?"
Trixie's cheeks flushed a bright red. Chuckling innocently, Trixie's lips arced into a sheepish grin. "Sorry about that," she said to the mare. "I'm just glad that I'm still great and powerful."
The mare smiled as she put the mug away. "You're a magician, right?"
Trixie raised an eyebrow. "I am, but how did you—" Trixie paused for a moment. She glanced over to her elaborate cape and adjusted her hat. "Oh, right." She let out an additional laugh. "I forgot about that. I wear them so much to where it just feels natural." Blinking a few times, Trixie let out a long sigh. "It's really a symbol of who I am, if I must be honest."
"That's interesting and all, but I don't know why you'd bring it up to some bartender like myself."
Trixie sighed once more, though this one sounded deeper and slightly more melancholic to her ears. "I'm just blabbering on as usual. Again, that's who I am."
"So then, what's your name?"
"Trixie Lulamoon." She closed her lips for a moment and fell silent. "The Great and Powerful Trixie also works."
"Well, I'm Spring Cleaning," the mare replied. "I'm the bartender at this old place." She extended her hoof towards Trixie with a wide smile. Trixie raised her eyebrow, keeping to herself at first. However, after only a single second had passed, she reached out to Spring's hoof and the pair shook hooves. "Anyway, it's a pleasure to meet you," Spring continued.
"Same here, Spring."
"So then, what brings you all the way out here?"
Trixie's eye twitched. Twiddling her hooves, Trixie gazed down at them and avoided Spring's gaze. "Nothing major," she lied in a soft tone. "I'm just meandering about."
Spring raised an eyebrow and shrugged. Her lips puckered for a brief second as a syllable tried to escape, but nothing came out. Clearing her throat, Spring placed her hooves in front of Trixie. "Look, I know there's a reason you're here," she said. "Nopony who wanders around like you're claiming to be just end up here."
Trixie cringed as her stomach tied itself into a knot, her chest feeling as though it was being crushed. She bit her lip and gulped. "But—"
"Don't worry about it," Spring said, cutting Trixie off. Spring's body hunched up as she let out a sigh. "Look, I understand if you'd rather not talk about touchy subjects. I may be no psychiatrist, but I do know a thing or two about reading ponies. Anyway, look at the world around you at this moment."
Trixie followed her command and swiveled her head slowly. Her eyes darted around and her ears twitched, taking in everything her senses picked up. Every last crack in the wooden floors and walls, every grin or grimace on another pony's face, the occasional drunken, incoherent chant that erupted in one of the tables at the opposite end of where Trixie was, the clacking of beer mugs the ponies from those tables had, the bloodshot eyes of some of the ponies that teetered from place to place with a dopey smile, and the taut faces of those who watched such a show.
"So then, what do you see?" Spring asked.
Turning around and gazing into Spring's eyes, Trixie noticed bags underneath them. She didn't know why they were there, but Trixie decided to not press the issue and focus on the one at hoof. "Well, I saw a lot of ponies," Trixie answered in a dull voice. "They were doing all sorts of things such as drinking or singing."
Spring shook her head. "There's more to it than that."
"You mean Trixie missed something?"
"Sort of. See, everypony that has ever stopped by here is on a journey of some sort. Those tired faces, the mass consumption of alcohol, and other things fill this place on a daily basis."
Trixie cocked her head. "So everyone is on their own journey, right?"
Spring nodded with a warm smile. "Bingo."
"That's interesting and all, but what does that have to do with Trixie?" Trixie flinched ever so slightly. Shivering for a brief moment, Trixie looked back into Spring's eyes. "Sorry, but I'm just curious why you bring this up now. It's eluding me, if I must be honest."
Spring levitated an empty, clean mug with her magic and placed it in front of Trixie. "I'm just rambling off about things again." Her cheeks turned a faint pink. "Still, it's not a bad thing to know that you're not alone, and that we all take journeys for different reasons."
"It is nice to know that." Trixie felt her limbs and throat tighten as thoughts raced into her mind. But what if I am? I could still be alone, even if I'm the Great and Powerful Trixie. No, I'm too awesome for that, but maybe I'm too cold. A violent force tugged Trixie's heart. The tension inside of her grew to be unbearable. Trixie wished she could have selected at least one conclusion, but she kept second-guessing herself at every turn or intersection. As her stomach growled like a lion once more, Trixie furrowed her eyebrow. Forget it. That can wait later. I need to eat now.
"Can I have a sandwich, please?" Trixie blurted out, though in a polite tone.
"No problem," Spring replied. "Just give me a little bit and I'll be right there with your meal."
Spring Cleaning rolled her shoulders before she trotted down the length of the bar table and made her way through a door in the back with Employees Only written in large, red letters. Trixie slumped towards the table before her and gazed downwards. The table's luster and sheen were bright enough to where it was like a mirror, albeit a foggy one that only showed Trixie's reflection. Every faint crease on her face, every twinkle within her shimmering eyes, and every slight frown her lips arced into took precedence over everything else Trixie saw. It was enough to sink her heart into the abyss, but one feature stood out in particular from all of the others. It was something that made her turn pale.
There was a slight glimmer inside of the reflection's eyes that was colored a bright red. Am I being possessed again? Am I really that weak to allow such a thing to happen again?
Trixie jumped up a little, which caused the stool she sat on to tilt somewhat. Looking up, Trixie noticed a flickering lamp above her, which cast a slight red light down onto her. Next to it were a few other lamps that appeared to be of various colors, though all of them were turned off. She wondered if they were used for shows that took place in the diner, but the lamps' faint colors revealed their long neglect.
Looking down once more, Trixie's muscles loosened up as she breathed a relieved sigh. Thank goodness. Then again, nothing or nopony can fool the Great and Powerful Trixie twice. Trixie's lips formed a slight, crooked smile, though even she knew it was forced. A pounding pain focused in on Trixie's head for a brief moment. Right?
Trixie's ears twitched as she heard something clack against the table. She noticed the sandwich that she ordered now before her, neatly sliced into a square. Trixie's stomach purred as she licked her dry lips. Levitating the sandwich with her magic, Trixie pulled it towards her and took a large bite. Her taste buds cried out in joy as she chewed on the cold lettuce, juicy tomatoes, and warm toasted bread. Trixie formed a wide smile, and she knew that this one was genuine. Such a smile felt like the first one in ages, and it made her heart flutter. Trixie took another large chomp on the sandwich as she worked her way through the meal at a rapid pace.
"Thank you!" Trixie said through her full mouth. Looking back up, she noticed a grinning Spring Breeze in front of her.
"Um, you're welcome," Spring answered.
After only two whole minutes, Trixie had devoured the sandwich in front of her, leaving not a single crumb behind. Lifting her hat up, Trixie pulled out a small sack and tossed five bits to Spring. "You're a true lifesaver," Trixie added as she leaped off of the stool. Her legs wiggled upon landing and she teetered around for a moment. Clenching her teeth, Trixie placed one hoof in front of the other. After fighting off gravity's tug, she regained her balance and giggled to herself.
"I wouldn't go that far," Spring said as her cheeks reddened, "but I appreciate the compliment."
"Goodbye!"
"Try not to fall down."
"Trixie will try!" Trixie waved to Spring Cleaning, her forelegs bobbing back and forth at a gentle pace as she tried to avoid smacking any passersby across the face.
Squeezing and struggling through the sea of tables, ponies, and more once again, Trixie shuffled her way back to the diner's front door, bumping into a few of the larger bodies on occasion once again and apologizing out loud to each one she rubbed against. Extending her foreleg to the door handle, Trixie pressed against it and a cold, metallic sensation coursed through her foreleg and down her spine. Her hoof slipped at first while her mind wondered if anything, or anypony, was waiting for her. If it was somepony from Ponyville, Trixie knew that a black eye was about to adorn her face.
Trixie hastily twisted the knob and the door opened up to the outside world, which started out as a blinding light. She squinted for a moment as she stepped out of the diner, the intense shine lessening more and more until the outside revealed itself to her. The diner and its surroundings looked as shabby and decrepit as it did before, only now the skies above were a little clearer than they were when Trixie arrived. Her nostrils cried out in joy as she could finally sniff something that wasn't tainted with a repulsive scent.
Trixie trotted back onto the dirt path, the dirt kicking up the moment she traversed over it. As nice as it was to get back to traveling, especially in an environment warmer than the diner, Trixie cringed at the thought of having to travel over the mud covered roads once again and how much doing so made her legs ache and scream for mercy. But she knew that it had to be done. Even if the roads ahead were sludgier than ever, she knew that there was no point in returning to Ponyville and taking such a monstrous gamble. She figured that nopony would ever want to see her miserable, possibly wicked self ever again.
Even if I'm the Great and Powerful Trixie, there's no going back there. Ever.
Trixie took a few short, heavy steps as she approached the main road. Looking back at where Ponyville approximately was one last time, Trixie froze in place before sighing. Not letting another thought about that wretched village cross her mind, she shook her head and took one more step forward.
"Trixie?" an unfamiliar voice called out. "Is that you?"
"Oh no," Trixie muttered under her breath. "What now?"
Trixie glanced to her left where the noise's source came from. Trotting towards Trixie with a swaying tail was a pale blue pegasus with a light amber mane and tail. Her wings were folded and a goofy smile adorned her radiant face. The pegasus also had wide open eyes that shimmered under the sunlight. Trixie raised an eyebrow and cocked her head, unsure of what to make of the figure approaching her. But something was tickling the back of her mind. This ticklish sensation stressed her muscles the longer it persisted, but it soon became clear inside of her head.
Trixie knew who this mare was. She didn't know her name, but that naive, bubbly face was distinct enough to where she stood out in the crowds.
"I knew that was you, Trixie," the mare said with a wide grin. "The name's Cloud Kicker." Lifting her foreleg up as though she was trying to swat a fly, Cloud Kicker extended her hoof towards Trixie, which caused the latter to flinch. "Nice to meet you."
Stepping back for a moment and shifting her eyes from left to right, Trixie soon focused back on Cloud Kicker. "Um, it's nice to meet you as well." Trixie slowly raised her foreleg as her constricted muscles tried to pull it back down. Wincing for the briefest of moments, Trixie grabbed a hold of Cloud Kicker and the pair shook hooves.
"That's the spirit!" Cloud Kicker waved her foreleg up and down. Trixie's foreleg, on the other hoof, ached as it bobbed in accordance to Cloud Kicker's flailing one. She grimaced as the strain on her muscles continued to become more poignant until Cloud Kicker ceased the hoofshake, much to Trixie's relief.
"Sorry about that," Cloud Kicker snickered while her cheeks blushed. She rubbed the back of her neck and bit her lip as she tried to hold back a laugh. "I think I got carried away there."
Trixie rolled her eyes as she caressed her foreleg. "No kidding," she said in a blunt tone. She looked into Cloud Kicker's eyes while her brain formulated what move she should make next. Trixie wondered why Cloud Kicker, of all ponies, was so interested in finding her. Is it my charm? I am the Great and Powerful Trixie, right?
Cringing the moment her doubts surfaced once more, Trixie's lips arced into a deep frown before she let out a deep, elongated sigh. "Anyway, what brings you all the way out here?"
Cloud Kicker paused. Rubbing her muzzle, she stared at the sky above her. "Hmm." Cloud Kicker returned her gaze to Trixie. "Honestly, I was just about to ask you the same thing."
Trixie shrugged and raised both of her eyebrows. "Huh? Why are you curious?"
Something lit up in Trixie's mind without warning, and her heart sunk the precise moment she unearthed it. Cloud Kicker was from Ponyville, and it didn't take long for Trixie to solve the puzzle before her. She must be here to take me back to Ponyville. Trixie's shoulders sagged as low as they physically could and her body slumped into a depressive heap, her legs the only reason she remained upright. I need to stop lying to myself. I'm a wreck. There's no point in hiding it now.
Cloud Kicker's eyes twinkled. She placed her hoof on her chest and then reached out towards Trixie, rubbing her back in a slow, steady manner. Cloud Kicker's hoof felt somewhat warm against Trixie's body as it rubbed off the unicorn's internal grime. She felt her limbs loosening and thawing out, but she couldn't help but stare at Cloud Kicker with a look of bewilderment. She couldn't find a logical reason as to why she'd do this.
"Look, I know why you're feeling down at the moment," Cloud Kicker explained. "I wasn't there when you returned to Ponyville, as I had to do a lot of Weather Patrol stuff, but the residents who were there told me everything."
Trixie's jaw drooped as not a single syllable escaped her mouth. She closed it with her own hooves and rubbed her eyes. Is this some kind of illusion? She blinked time and time again, but the world, and pony, before her were the same as they had always been. "What's going on?" Trixie asked. The confusion surrounding her made her head feel light as it continued digging for an explanation.
"Ponyville asked for a volunteer to look for you. We wanted to tell you that we don't hold anything against you. I was the first to agree to look for you. Anyway, you were being manipulated by that thing's power, and we all figured that out. "
Trixie tilted her head. "Wait a second, but did you say that Ponyville sent you?"
Cloud Kicker nodded with a jubilant smile. "Yep. We were all quite concerned for you."
Trixie rose up and straightened herself out. "You mean that? Then why were you the only one to volunteer?"
"I was the first to take up the position. If I didn't find you, I'd report back to Ponyville and somepony else would look for you in another direction." Cloud Kicker shrugged. "I know that it isn't the most typical way of finding somepony, but we didn't want to scare you off by sending a whole group of ponies."
Trixie cracked a smile. Her body loosened up to where she no longer felt like a python was squeezing her limbs. "That makes sense when you put it like that. Thanks, Cloud Kicker. Trixie truly appreciates it."
"Not a problem. It's an honor to help out." Cloud Kicker flapped her wings and created a small gust. She rose up with a warm smile adorning her face and hovered before Trixie. "So then, are you heading back to Ponyville?"
Trixie glanced back towards where Ponyville approximately was. She could rest at ease knowing that the town wouldn't grind her bones and lock her up afterwards, but her chest still tingled. "Perhaps it's best that I stay away from there for a little longer. I know that I won't be abused if I return, but I don't think coming back so soon would help."
Cloud Kicker patted Trixie on the head. "No hard feelings. Just know that you're welcome to drop on by whenever you want. We've all got your back."
Trixie adjusted her hat and bobbed her head. "I'll be sure to keep that in mind."
"Anyway, let's meet again in the future. Goodbye, Trixie!"
"Goodbye, Cloud Kicker."
Cloud Kicker tucked her head in and sliced through the air as she left behind a small cloud of dust. As Trixie waved at the pegasus, she couldn't help but feel a candle-like warmth form from within her heart. Trixie turned to face the pathway that she'd have to traverse over, still unsure of where to go. But something off in the distance, obscured by fog, was a faint silhouette from where Trixie stood. She squinted and shuffled her hooves closer to the silhouette. It looked like a city's skyline. "Manehattan?" she asked herself.
Whatever the city was, Trixie lifted one leg in front of the other and resumed her journey. This time, she had a destination in mind. It would be a place where she could begin anew. Her past would still remain, but Trixie could breathe freely in knowing that she wasn't going to lose a limb or be confined because of it.
For the first time in ages, Trixie could view herself as the Great and Powerful Trixie. And no matter what happened to her in the future, she knew it would stay that way.
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I can't believe you where nervous about it. I loved the writing and the description was amazing. I really liked how she shifted from first to third person when she kind of recovered in the bar. Seemed a little off that ponyville would send somepony out to find her after what she did, but twilight does have a lot of influence and it was somepony who wasn't there that was sent, so it's still believable. I really liked this one, you did a good job on it.
5601002 Thank you. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
This is a good story. I enjoyed reading it here.
Your style here reminds me of my own somehow.
5601012 I'm glad that you enjoyed reading it. Thank you.
5601004 It was definitely worth reading.
I can see why you let friends look at your stories to see if they are good to submit, this one is definitely good.
5601056 Thank you.
5601106 You're welcome,
So this was all the hoo-ha a while back?
Damn. Not bad. Not bad at all. I could have said the change between depressixie and happyixie could have been a little better-- having the speech change was okay--, but the switch hadn't been too impactful. Good, but not like... uber amazing if you get me. Slow down, delve between the difference between and unmotivated Trix and a motivated one (head movement, eyes, speech, action etc) and emphasise on her reaction to hearing the news.
Now don't get me wrong on this point, but I think Trixie wouldn't have easily accepted Cloud Winger's message for she values her pride way more than she should. If she did, she would have hated the fact that she wasn't as great as Twilight, and being prideful as she is, she will not accept defeat. Yes, eventually she will return, but only as a mere challenge to Twilight to reclaim her pride. If so, she'll never forgive herself for being humiliated by Twi not only once, but twice.
But other then that character flaw, this was written well and definitely worth a read.
5601253 Thanks for the advice. I'll be sure to keep that in mind for my future stories.
In all seriousness though, this is really good! I'm a total sucker for stories about characters suffering in poor weather (blame Wind in the Willows for that) and that comes across beautifully in your descriptions.
That was excellent! Some of the best writing I've ever seen you do.
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Thank you! I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
One little nit: wasn't Trixie already looking down when the sandwich was placed on the bar, which she then looked down to see?
5605634 Thanks for catching that.
5607292 Ah, okay. For a moment I was wondering if she was looking down, then down further in more detail - the sandwich was just that small - then maybe down further to inspect the texture of the bread, then down further to examine the remnants of the wheat cells that went into it, then down further into the molecular chains that made up the bread, then down further to inspect the atomic bonds, then down further...
So I'm about to post a review for ya. Overall I thought there was a lot that could be improved for sure, but I don't feel like reading this was a waste of time in any sense.
" response. Actually look hard at the advice/critique offered and ask other people about it too if you can't figure out what people mean. We're all here to help each other.
On that note, if you ever think you want a prereader, don't hesitate to ask me in future—but you've got to cut the self-depreciating attitude, y'hear? There's a difference between acknowledging your flaws and moaning about them to everyone.
Keep your chin up and keep writing. I think your problems can easily be solved by having a more positive attitude, and actually getting some hardcore editors that you can learn from. And if you get a thorough critique on a story pointing out everywhere it could be improved, don't just wave it off with a generic, "Thank you for the advice, I hope I do better next time.
So this reads with a little bit of melancholy, and a little bit of Trixie getting back on her hooves, in a not-too-bad way. Trixie's time in the diner just looking around and talking with Spring Cleaning does her a world of good, as does Cloud Kicker's appearance at the end.
However, some of the metaphors you employ here are practically tortured in straining to make them. Likening Trixie to the fence early one is one of them for example:
That's incredibly cringeworthy, and that's one of a few examples in the story.