Obama Returns to Equestria

by a human

Spike's Lament

"I'm going to tell you something," Celestia said. "It's going to be a bit shocking, but I want you to remain calm. Will you?"

Spike nodded, wondering how she was planning to drive him insane with nothing but words.

Celestia's smile widened. "Spike… you're not adopted."

He stood there for a bit, taking it in. He thought about it. He thought about it some more. "What? You're screwing with me. Are you saying Twilight's my…? It's not possible. I'm a…"

"Do you remember how you were born?"

"Well, Twilight had her magic test, and there was a dragon egg, and she hatched it. I was inside. Isn't that it? You're not saying that makes her my mother, are you?"

"Don't be silly," Celestia said, still smiling. "Tell me, what do you think hatching a dragon egg entails?"

"I suppose you need to do a lot of complicated stuff with incubation and…"

"Wrong. Everyone gets it wrong. All you do is weaken the surface a bit and cut a hole. With magic, of course. It's very basic magic, but that isn't the point of the test. The point of the test is to see if you can think outside the box."

Spike thought about it. "Isn't that a bit dangerous?"

Celestia laughed. "What, you think I would have any qualms about sacrificing a couple hundred dragon babies for the advancement of education?" she said. "But no, in this case, you're right. There's no risk at all, because what's usually inside the eggs…" She produced a large egg with magic. "…is this."

Spike took the egg, and tossed it around. It felt hollow. He extended a claw, cut a hole, and reached inside. He removed a small sheet of paper.

It said nothing but, "You pass."

Spike's eyes widened. "You're not saying…?"

Celestia got in Spike's face, her eyes wild. "That your egg was empty? That's Twilight spontaneously created you from nothing? That's right. That's exactly what I'm saying," she said. "Why do you think I took her under my wing immediately afterwards? I had no choice. Her first strong burst, and she unintentionally unlocked the holy grail of mortal magic—creating life. I had to have her. You understand, right?"

"But," Spike said, trembling, "if she's my mother…"

"That's right," Celestia said. "She hasn't been treating you very well, has she? Sometimes it seems like she doesn't want you at all, doesn't it? Although, of course, she doesn't have much choice in the matter. It takes people a conscious effort to notice an artificial lifeform like you."

Spike shook his head. "It can't be. It can't."

"Do you need more proof?"

"No! I don't. I… I just…"

Celestia sauntered over to Spike. "I could… comfort you, if you so desired."

Spike lurched, extended his wings, and flew out the nearest window as fast as his body would carry him.

Celestia smiled.

– – – –

Twilight could barely speak. "I… created you?"

"Yes, and that was your first mistake," Spike said. "Your second was when you then proceeded to abuse me for years on end. Do you think I'm happy about that? Well, do you?"

Twilight swallowed.

She wished she could defend herself, but he was kind of right.

"Uh, ha ha, sorry," she got out, nervously. "And you're working with him to…?"

"Destroy the world? Yes."

There was a tense silence.

"You do realize that will kill you too, right?" Twilight said.

"Me and Obama had a long talk about that," Spike said. "And basically, we came to the conclusion that if you all really are immortal, the only way to permanently hurt you is to destroy everything and everyone you love."

Twilight started sweating.

"Told you," Obama said, nudging Spike. "That's the only thing that can scare them."

"Particularly her," Spike said. "She tries to be good, but it's usually just so she can say she learned a friendship lesson afterwards."

"How exactly are you planning on destroying the world?" Twilight said.

Obama shrugged. "The old-fashioned way. One city at a time."

Twilight blinked. "You cannot be serious."

Obama grinned. "I'm always serious, my dear Twilight," he said.

He snapped his fingers and Spike inhaled, causing green sparks of energy to converge around his mouth. After a few seconds, he let out a roar, and a huge beam of green energy shot out into the distance. After a few seconds, it disappeared into the horizon, and then there was a loud boom and a huge plume of smoke.

Obama put a hand to his eye and looked at the smoke. "That blew up something important," he said. "I'm sure it did."

Spike wiped his mouth, some kind of glowing green residue spilling from it. "Best part is, that still sends everything it touches straight to Celestia," he said, grinning. "She really should have thought twice before she gave me that magic."

A loud thud erupted from inside the castle, and Twilight whipped her head around.

"T-That's impossible," she said, twitching.

"Twilight, I got roundhouse kicked into a land of horny fascist horses, have lived for a thousand years, and now have magic powers," Obama said. "Impossible is not in my dictionary."

Twilight stomped a hoof on the ground and blew air out of her nose. "The time for jokes has long since passed, Obama," she said. "Are you serious about destroying this world for nothing but spite?"

"Yes."

"Then the Obama I knew is dead."

Twilight lunged at Obama with the kind of speed and reflexes only an immortal could have. In a span of time that can only be measured in milliseconds, she was inches from his throat, her teeth bared.

He dodged.

Twilight hit the ground ungracefully, but quickly rolled upright and looked back at him. She looked shocked beyond words, but beginning to get a handle on this. "Just what did you do to yourself, Obama?" she seethed.

"Nothing you haven't," Obama said, smiling, standing on top of the gravestone.

The fact that he dodged at all likely meant he wasn't immortal. But Twilight wouldn't know for sure until she landed a blow on him and saw it heal.

Obama guessed what she was thinking. "As for whether I'm immortal… I'll leave that up to your imagination."

Twilight lunged at him more, and he dodged flawlessly each time. For a few seconds, they became nothing but purple and brown blurs.

Abruptly, they stopped, neither showing the slightest sign of exhaustion.

"Getting the picture yet?" Obama said, looking cocky.

Twilight wasn't expecting to actually hit him. She just wanted to watch him move.

Unfortunately, what she saw was unlike anything she had seen before. Fortunately, it grounded her a little more in reality.

He wasn't constantly moving with microsecond precision, like true immortals did. That would be obvious in just the way he moved while talking. A true immortal had great difficulty making even the simplest gestures without being unsettlingly graceful. Most of the time, Obama spoke and moved just like a normal human did.

However, he could temporarily move with the exact same precision immortals did. How long he could keep this up, Twilight could only guess. It was possible she could exhaust him eventually. But one thing was beginning to become clear.

He was still mortal, but he had been enhanced just enough to be a viable threat to immortals. He could not hope to kill them, of course—but keeping them delayed for a very long time? Constantly injuring them in a way that would incapacitate them?

That was definitely in the realm of possibility.

It was so calculated—and annoying—that it almost had the earmark of Celestia on it. But, of course, the idea that she would develop such a dangerous threat to herself was ludicrous.

"Yes, I'm beginning to get the picture," Twilight said. "So I'm not going to waste any more time testing you."

She briefly looked at the gravestone of her friends with regret, but then focused. Her horn glowed, and thousands of glowing magic swords appeared in the air. They hovered for a few seconds, then shot down towards Obama with lightning speed.

He dodged, again, but this time he went underneath Spike. The swords changed course to intercept, but quickly hit Spike's body and did absolutely nothing.

"Oh, that tickles," he said being pelted with thousands of powerful magic explosions.

Twilight's eyes widened. She knew dragons were resistant to magic to some degree, but she was using one of her strongest combat spells. It should have been doing something.

Unless…

She flew in the air and divebombed Spike with enough strength to make a crater in a solid rock mountainside.

She ended up crashing against his body, all her limbs broken simultaneously, while seemingly nothing happened to him.

After taking a few seconds to get all her bones were they should be, Twilight turned off the swords and seethed.

"Beginning to understand why Celestia culled the dragon population so often?" Spike said. "It was to prevent this from ever happening."

He slammed his giant tail down on Twilight, and she dodged in just the nick of time, leaving a crater where she stood.

Forget being resistant to magic. His scales—his body was so strong he simply didn't have to worry about it.

"If that's all you've got," Obama said, mounting Spike, "then we'll be taking our leave. Have fun while you still can, Twilight. Soon there won't be anyone else for you to eat, or whatever it is you alicorns do to people these days."

Spike extended his wings, causing a strong burst of wind, and took off.

Twilight stood and watched, glaring.

She wanted to finish them off there, but it was becoming increasingly clear that she would need help.

She could only hope Celestia and Luna had encountered situations like this before.

– – – –

The throne room was covered in rubble. Celestia stood next to it, shaking it off some debris like a dog, which looked a little strange considering she wasn't one.

"Spike's back," Celestia said, noticing Twilight. She looked slightly irritated. "I knew giving him that teleportation magic might backfire one of these days…"

Luna said nothing, but continued to lift up large sections of rock and teleport them away, grimacing.

"You know him best," Celestia said to Twilight. "Why don't you kill him? I'll give you a good blowjob for your trouble."

For Twilight, this wasn't exactly an enticing reward. "I tried," she said. "It didn't work."

Celestia's eyes widened. "Didn't wo—" Then realization dawned. "Oh. Ohhhh."

"What?" Twilight snapped.

"Dragon scales get tougher the more they have to defend themselves in their youth," Luna muttered, teleporting some more stuff away. "And considering how you two treated Spike…"

Twilight's face fell. "Oh no."

"It'd probably take more nukes to kill him," Celestia said. She turned and started helping Luna take care of the rubble. "Well, it sounds like a pain, so nevermind. I can deal with being crushed by mountains every once in a while."

Twilight hesitated. "Well. Um."

Celestia looked back. "Yes?"

"Obama's back too. And him and Spike on a mission to… destroy the world."

Celestia paused, and looked around a bit, thinking. "Like… one city at a time?"

"Apparently."

Celestia stood still and took a breath. "Well, I suppose I can admire their work ethic."

"And it seems… Obama can use magic now."

Celestia raised an eyebrow. "What?"

Twilight looked at Luna. "He said that to ask you about it," she said. "Specifically, that he 'could avoid the temptation of the moon rocks just fine.'"

Luna froze, letting some large rocks fall to the ground with a thud.

Celestia edged up on, Luna. "Sister? Sweet, sweet, sister? What on earth do you have to do with this?"

Twilight briefly wondered what this "earth" thing was, then remembered it was a human phrase.

Luna took a few seconds, then started laughing nervously. "I may have… er, gotten bored up there and… filled the entire surface of the moon with… stuff."

"What stuff?"

"Doodles… diaries… math problems…" She hesitated. "All of the secrets of magic…"

"What!?" Celestia yelled. "I never saw this!"

"I made sure to make it so it only showed up on the the side facing away from the planet."

Celestia narrowed her eyes. "You didn't include the…?"

"No, I didn't include the Process!" Luna snapped. She looked to the side. "If someone paid attention to it, though, they could get pretty close."

Celestia blinked. "So Obama could be immortal?"

"He can temporarily move as fast as us, and summon similar levels of magic power. He also did not appear to grow tired as I fought him." Twilight thought. "I'm pretty sure he still can die, though."

Celestia looked at Luna. "And here I was thinking you were fucking moon rocks all that time."

"For a thousand years!? Don't be ridiculous." She blushed. "A couple hundred, tops."

Twilight waited for a chance to sneak a word in edgewise. "So… what do we do? Gang up on them?"

Celestia frowned. "I'm… not sure that would work."

"Why not?" Twilight said. "We're immortal."

"Yes, we would survive, but the question is, how much force would we need to use to eradicate them?" Celestia grimaced. "If I'm estimating their power levels correctly, at least half of Equestria would be destroyed before they actually die. It would… be bad for PR."

"Well, we can't do nothing!" Twilight yelled.

"No, there's another option," Luna said.

Celestia smiled. "Yes, that's right. There is one way you can neutralize threats like this with no collateral damage…"

– – – –

"Alright, pay attention, everyone!" Celestia yelled. "I know we've only dealt with minor threats up to now, but this is where we have to get serious!"

The Elements of Harmony looked around the now clean throne room, nervous. Only Oleander and Velvet understood how everything they had seen until now could be "minor," and Velvet wasn't quite ready to believe it.

"Obama, an old enemy of mine, has returned," Celestia said, pacing. "He's a human that just escaped from the moon after a thousand years. He can use magic, and can temporarily move as quickly as I can."

"He is accompanied by a powerful dragon that has a huge grudge against me," Twilight said. "They plan on destroying the world."

"Like… one city at a time?" Arizona said.

"Yes."

"Well, gotta admire their work ethic," Paprika said, sounding a bit too impressed.

"Twilight will lure Spike—the dragon—away so the rest of you can focus on Obama," Luna said. "You will use the Elements of Harmony on him while avoiding direct confrontation. If you fight him as you are, you will likely lose."

"Well, don't worry about me!" Tianhuo said, looking proud. "I've heard about those humans. I'm sure I can handle it."

A microsecond later, Luna was inches away from Tianhuo's nose. "Did you see me move just then?"

Tianhuo swallowed. "Er… n-no."

"Obama can do that as well," Luna said, walking back to where she came from. "Stay cautious."

– – – –

The Elements of Harmony, Twilight, Celestia, and Luna walked out of the castle. Celestia could have teleported them all out, but she felt walking "built character."

There was also another reason.

"Do you actually know where Spike and Obama are?" Twilight asked.

"I have a few ideas," Celestia said. "Spike being back is incontrovertible. He's the only one with that teleporting spell that could still be alive. But I'm still not completely sure if you're screwing with me with Obama."

Twilight looked irritated. "Am I the type of person that would do that?"

Celestia shrugged. "Not really. But it's funner to play along with these type of gags."

Twilight tried to think of a response, but figured arguing was pointless when Celestia was going along with her anyway. She decided to settle on a more relevant line of questioning. "Celestia, please answer me honestly," Twilight said. "Did I really… create Spike?"

Celestia paused. She got a look on her face.

Twilight knew that look. There was a chance yet she might actually get a straight answer from her.

"…yes," Celestia said, finally. "Life creation magic is difficult but not impossible. You had an unusually strong surge of magic and made what you thought should have happened into reality."

Twilight narrowed her eyes. "And I imagine you told Spike that and it sounded very convincing," she said. "But how do I know you're not screwing with both of us?"

"The eggs for those tests are always fake. The only thing inside of them is a small card that says 'you pass,'" Celestia said. "You think I would go through the trouble of harvesting dragon eggs just to test random eight year old students? I'm constantly trying to cull the animals, for me's sake."

Twilight was convinced. "Okay, so let's say I did make Spike," she said. "Does that change anything about how he… works?"

Celestia raised an eyebrow. "I get the distinct impression you're not talking about what I think you are."

Twilight glared. "I seem to remember hearing some things about the Royal Harem members and batponies interacting strangely with your mind control magic—to the point where they might be able to take control of it," she said. "Does that mean Spike can do that too?"

"The mind control magic isn't that simple," Celestia said. "It takes a lot of time for even the Three to figure out how to make it do anything specific for them."

"Unless they have some kind of natural effect on it, of course," Luna said.

"Those are always minor," Celestia said, waving a hoof. "There's only been one case in recent memory where that did anything useful. And I don't remember Spike doing anything useful."

Velvet and Oleander walked close behind, having overheard most of that.

"Is it… always like zis around here?" Velvet said.

Oleander tried to disagree. "…yes, basically."

Suddenly, a house appeared above Celestia and crushed her.

"Well," Luna said, "I suppose we know Spike's burning something else up, then."

Celestia groaned.

– – – –

Celestia's plan of buying time to find Spike and Obama by taking a walk outside turned out to actually work. As soon as they exited the castle, Nude Canterlot was in eyeshot, and it was on fire.

Normal fire, because apparently Spike had mastered that as well. He could pick and choose what got sent to Celestia, the latest item of which was a complete set of kitchen knives she had to shake off, also like a dog.

When they got inside, things just got worse.

"Why is everyone so… calm?" Arizona said.

The only people that seemed to be concerned at all were those that were actually on fire. Everyone else acted like nothing unusual was happening at all.

Twilight gave Celestia a look.

"I don't have anything to do with this!" Celestia said. "…for once."

"Then what's happening?" Twilight seethed. "Your mind control magic is the only thing I know of that can do this to people."

The ground shook in a rhythmic fashion.

Celestia turned back and yelled. "Elements on, ponies! …and, er, other things."

Everyone but Oleander seemed to not react. "Uh, why?" Arizona said. "I don't see anything…"

Celestia's eyes widened. "You don't feel that!?"

Oleander slowly raised the recently renamed Element of Tiaras to her head. "Just… get the Elements on, guys," she said. "The enemy may be using some kind of… er, mind control."

Celestia didn't really appreciate that, but it got them to cooperate.

"To do what?" Tianhuo said, raising the recently renamed Element of Homosexuality to her chest.

"To make you not notice the giant rhythmic earthquake," Oleander said, "presumably."

"I think that's just me humping this guy!" Paprika said, wearing the Element of Insanity.

Everyone ignored that.

Finally, the source of the thumping became clear—Spike rounded a corner, Obama on his back.

Spike was big.

Celestia tensed up slightly. "Hello Obama," she said. "So you have returned."

"I've strongly condemned worse prisons than your moon," Obama said, sneering. "The reading material was… fantastic."

"So I hear," Celestia said, looking at Luna. "But I have a feeling you're underestimating us. We have a secret weapon of our own."

Obama chuckled. "You mean the Elements of Harmony?" He looked down. "Just you try to use them."

"Oh, I will," Celestia said. "Fire!"

Pom moaned inappropriately, and then there was an awkward pause.

"At what?"

Celestia looked back. "Excuse me?"

"I don't see anything," Arizona said.

"Just a harmless lizard," Tianhuo said.

"It's kind of cute!" Paprika said.

Velvet squinted. "I zink I can… zort of zee zomething?"

Oleander was drooling.

Celestia's eyes widened. "What the—?"

Twilight lurched, and realized what was happening. "Spike has a natural effect on the mind control magic! Everyone thinks he's useless!"

"Shit! Shit! SHIT!" Celestia yelled. "Run everyone! RUN!"

"Spike," Obama said, smiling, "your turn."

Spike inhaled, and then shot out a huge pillar of flame. Real flame.

Before anyone could react, the Elements of Harmony were a smoldering crater.

Well, their users, at least. The jewelry was left intact.

"Oh for fuck's sake," Celestia said. "It took ages to find new Elements. I thought they'd be more useful." She stomped a hoof. "No choice, then."

"You want to fight them directly?" Luna said.

"We might be able to slow them down a bit," Celestia said. "Buy some time."

It struck Twilight that individually, they all had more than enough power to defeat Obama and Spike. It was just a question of whether they would destroy the world in the process.

Then she noticed something.

"Wait," Twilight said. "Isn't the Element of Magic… er, Tiaras missing?"

They turned around to face Obama and Spike and noticed something.

Oleander was on Spike's back, still wearing her element, neither having noticed.

Celestia gaped. "H-How did she…?"

"All that caffeine magic, I imagine," Luna said. "Did you know that if mortals drink enough caffeine, they will become immune to burns caused by flames hotter than 1000°F?"

Celestia gave Luna a look. "That's absurd."

"Can you think of anyone that's put that to the test?"

Celestia's face fell. "…no." She put a hoof to her chin and thought it over. "Wait, then that means…"

Luna was a bit taken aback. "Wait, you believed me!? I was joking!"

"These last few millennia have been pretty fucking weird, okay!" Celestia yelled.

Oleander, meanwhile, had managed to sneak behind Obama without anyone noticing.

Twilight wasn't sure if Celestia and Luna were intentionally distracting Spike and Obama, but it was working.

Oleander hesitated for a second, lunged at Obama. In the nick of time, Obama noticed, and dodged.

"Oh, you survived?" he said.

"Yes," Oleander said. "I've wanted to screw dragons since I was a filly. I've prepared for dodging fire breath for a long time." She grimaced. "My friends, on the other hand…"

"I assume you'll be looking for revenge?" Obama said.

Oleander glared. "That, and you're planning on destroying the world."

"Yes, there's that," Obama said.

Oleander inhaled. "Just how far do you think you be able to get without…" She indicated Spike. "…him?"

"I've intended on working alone from the very beginning," Obama said. "But we have similar goals, and can get everything done much faster together."

Oleander closed her eyes. "I thought so." She opened them. "In that case, things might get a little messy."

"What?"

Oleander's horn glowed, and she began floating. Obama braced himself, but then she threw off her tiara and kicked Spike's throat, catching him off guard and making him open his mouth.

She immediately flew down it.

"SLGKHAGDGA!?" Spike said.

Pretty much everyone was completely floored for a few seconds.

"…what is she doing?" Luna said.

"Probably trying to kill Spike from the inside," Celestia said, grimacing. "Someone tried that on me a while back." She winced. "It hurts. And not in a fun way. The one way of dying that doesn't turn me on."

"She knows… a lot about dragons," Twilight said. "I'm pretty sure she's actually got a plan for this."

Spike gurgled, and started twitching, as if his body had trouble deciding whether he was making love, having his lungs ripped out, or both.

Celestia looked at Twilight. "…I thought she wanted to screw dragons," she said, smiling coyly. "Why, exactly, does she know how to shut down a dragon's body from the inside?"

Twilight's face didn't move.

Spike coughed up blood, and flopped over, continuing to twitch.

Celestia stared. And whistled. "Maybe we would've gotten along better than I thought."

Obama was seething. He raised his hand, but then stopped.

"Give up," Luna said. "If Spike's skin is that tough, you have no chance of sending any magic in there. Unless you want to go down his mouth too…"

Obama grit his teeth. "This isn't over," he said, and then teleported away.

Spike was moving, but he was clearly in his death throes.

…or something throes, at least. Oleander seemed intent on going out with a bang.

Twilight looked down. "…she isn't going to survive this, is she?"

"Probably not. Dragons can digest lava," Celestia said. She picked up the Elements. "At least she thought to leave us her Element. They can survive a lot, but I'm not sure the inside of a dragon is one of them."

And with that, her and Luna teleported away.

Twilight stayed behind for a few extra seconds.

Nearly a millennium had dulled her to having friends die on her.

It still wasn't easy, though.

– – – –

Back in the castle, Celestia paced. "Medammit, medammit, medammit," she muttered. "How are we going to find good Element Bearers now?"

Twilight walked in. "Now that Spike is out of the picture, can't we just confront Obama directly?"

"Me and Luna have been talking about that," Celestia said. "She described what he's likely doing and, well…"

"He has to manage his energy a little more, but Obama likely has an infinite amount of magic to draw on, like us," Luna said. "Between his ability to dodge and summon shields, hitting him is going to be quite difficult. If he had stayed behind and fought us, we might've been able to catch him off guard, but…"

Celestia grimaced. "He was smart enough to run off and think of a better plan first. I doubt he's gonna turn off any shielding magic he has for a long time, even if it slows down his mission to destroy the world."

Twilight tried to connect the dots. "…and the Elements of Harmony are the only things that can send a localized burst of magic strong enough to get through any shielding as?"

"That's right," Celestia said. "Anything we can do to get through his shields will take a couple hundred miles of the country with it. Starswirl always was better at not destroying the world than we were."

"Those rainbow beams that come out of the Elements can function like heat seeking missiles," Luna said. "They connect the minds of all six Bearers together to determine what the target is and how to deal with it. And if destroying the target won't work, they'll find… alternative ways of dealing with the situation."

Twilight gave Celestia a look. "Like changing someone's memories?"

Celestia looked a bit embarrassed. "Yes," she said. "That whole Luna-doesn't-exist thing was a prank, but the Elements could do that."

Luna raised an eyebrow, to which Celestia whispered, "I'll tell you about it later."

"So… impossible to dodge, impossible to overpower, and doesn't cause any collateral damage," Twilight said. "All the qualities we need to fight Obama."

"That's right," Celestia said. "The Elements of Harmony have no weaknesses."

"…aside from the fact that you need people with specific personality traits in order to use them for anything," Twilight said.

Celestia sunk a little.

"Didn't you say you used them all on Luna once?" Twilight said. "Can't you just do that again?"

Celestia looked embarrassed. "It's… not that easy. You have to practice to channel all those emotions at once, and I've gotten rusty. It'd take me a few weeks to get it down again, and that might be too long."

She looked at Luna. "And you?"

Luna shook her head. "I could never do that. I assumed it was impossible until Celestia did it."

Twilight thought. "And since it's Starswirl we're talking about here, I imagine reverse engineering the Elements is out of the question," she said. She grimaced, realizing what Celestia and Luna were so stressed about. "So basically… to avoid causing a lot of collateral damage, we have to find new Element Bearers in days."

Celestia frowned. "Yes," she said, beginning to walk out. "And to the best of my knowledge, that's impossible. But there's no reason to not start now, I suppose…" She turned back. "Twilight, you're a nerd. Why don't you look into the documents left behind by Trixie's organization thingy? They didn't come off of anything strong enough to kill you, but maybe something they made is strong enough to kill Obama."

Twilight, as always, looked for a reason to disagree with Celestia, but for once she sounded perfectly reasonable. "Okay."

"And Luna?" Celestia paused. "Do… whatever it is you do."

Luna looked unimpressed.

"Don't you want her helping too?" Twilight said, incredulously.

Celestia eyed Luna. "The way I understand it, this entire mess is her fault," Celestia said. "I'm a bit worried what will happen if she helps more."

"I'll go and… convince the populace we aren't panicking, then," Luna said, and walked out.

Twilight looked at Celestia.

"It's… an immortal thing," Celestia said.

"Paranoia?"

"…yes."

– – – –

Twilight had busied herself looking through Corvorum Crepusculum's remains for at least a few hours now. They had a particularly large base that her, Celestia, and Luna pretended not to notice for years—Twilight because she wanted to die, Celestia because she only cared if they were after her, and Luna because she didn't care regardless.

They thought of some creative ideas, she had to give them that. Not much she hadn't tried herself, but they were serious.

They had actually gotten their hands on an immortal to experiment on for a while. Apparently there was a "fifth immortal" Celestia had inadvertently given them access to, as long as they kept her in the old castle.

It took Twilight a while to figure out they were talking about Scootaloo.

Twilight lurched at seeing that name. She had gone through so much she had completely forgotten but… if Scootaloo was immortal, that meant she was the same kind of immortal she was, right?

She really should have looked into that.

However, it was too late now. Corvorum Crepusculum lost track of her years ago. They thought they had managed to kill her with a smaller nuclear bomb, but when they realized the circumstances of her death were ambiguous, the old castle got destroyed.

Turned out Luna's idea to torture Chrysalis by engorging her was not a particularly good one—changelings, like sirens, could grow infinitely with enough love, and Celestia had only realized what Luna had done once Chrysalis was twice the size of a football field and unstoppable. Celestia, tired of dealing with giant horny creatures, decided to just declare the old castle a lost cause, and looked to books on spatial paradoxes for interior design ideas for a new one.

Twilight scoffed. No wonder Celestia was hesitant to trust Luna. Nearly everything Luna did seemed to passively aggressively cause her problems.

Not that Twilight blamed her, of course.

And maybe there was a sibling rivalry thing going on as well… in addition to their endless bickering about who got to top who in bed that night.

To the best of Corvorum Crepusculum's knowledge, Scootaloo was still in the old castle, but they were never able to confirm that. Chrysalis was practically the size of the castle now, and had lost nearly all capability for rational thought. Just going near it was dangerous, and even Celestia and Luna only used her when they were in the mood to get crushed a few hundred times. Twilight doubted a mortal could investigate the old castle and live.

And even if they did, and found Scootaloo… it sounded like there was some kind of magic affecting Scootaloo's memory. She could barely remember who she was half the time. And… other people forgot who she was quite a bit as well. The documents even described procedures for ensuring textual records of her didn't mysteriously disappear.

Celestia was the only one capable of manipulation like that. She obviously wanted to keep Scootaloo hidden. But why?

Twilight frowned. It wasn't just because she was smaller than them, was it? Twilight became the same size as Celestia and Luna when she became immortal, so it was a bit odd Scootaloo apparently hadn't. It would be like Celestia to think a tiny and cute immortal would hurt their "image" or something, and she was petty enough to torture someone for thousands of years for that alone, but that seemed a little much, even for her…

While caught in thought, Twilight noticed a faint breath on her neck, one a mortal would have missed. "…how long have you been here, Celestia?"

"A few seconds. Any luck?"

"Nukes were the best thing they had, but those require components from the human world to work," Twilight said. "We could try to simulate the reaction with magic, but… Cadance would be the only one free to manage the shield around the thing."

"So… not an option, then."

"Yeah."

There was a pause. Twilight debated if she wanted to ask.

"Celestia… it seems most of their data came from a 'fifth immortal.'"

"Fifth?" Celestia said, incredulous. "Twilight, there's just me, you, Luna, and Cadance, and—"

"And Scootaloo."

Celestia fell silent.

"I remember. Back when I tried to kill you, I found out Scootaloo couldn't die. Sweetie Belle actually sliced her in half with a chainsaw in front of us all to prove it."

Celestia looked like she was just about to start laughing. "She what?"

"The point is… the pieces put themselves back together. Now that I've been around a lot longer, I know… the only species that can do that is us."

Celestia got back into serious mode. "And? What of it?"

"It seems like having an extra immortal would be useful for—"

"Twilight, get to the point. I know you have one."

Twilight took a breath, and then spoke. "They also described her memory repeatedly being erased, and other people's memories of her repeatedly being erased. And it seems the only royal sabotage they ever had to worry about was documents of her mysteriously disappearing. The only one capable of that is you."

Celestia was silent.

"Considering that Corvorum Crepusculum's data seems like our best chance of defeating Obama without collateral damage, and that data came from Scootaloo, is now really the time to be keeping secrets from me, Celestia? Tell me… just what is Scootaloo?"

Celestia showed no intention of answering.

Twilight thought of something else. "And… speaking of secrets…"

"Yes, Twilight?"

"…why are you here?"

Celestia scoffed. "Took you a while to remember that part," she said. "Luna said she had something to show us. She wanted me to pick you up."

"…I thought you didn't want her helping."

"She didn't listen, of course."

Twilight got up and stretched her wings. "This had better be good, then."

"She assures me it will be." Celestia looked back. "And Twilight?"

"Yes?"

"Scootaloo isn't the answer. Stop looking into her."

Twilight blinked.

Celestia had to have known that would only make her more curious.

– – – –

Celestia and Twilight met Luna in the throne room, which seemed to have been emptied for the occasion. Luna was lounging on the throne, looking smug.

"Hey," Celestia said.

Luna gave no indication of budging. "I have the Element Bearers," she said.

Celestia looked a bit relieved. "Oh, you found new Element Bearers? Boy is that a—"

"No," Luna said. "I have the Element Bearers."

There was a great silence.

"What?" Celestia said.

Twilight hesitated. "You don't mean…?"

Luna clopped her hooves together.

There was the sound of footsteps, and Twilight and Celestia's eyes shot wide open as they saw the last thing either of them expected.

From behind the throne, four ponies hesitantly stepped out.

Fluttershy, looking older and battle-worn, with bandages covering her now immobile wings.

Rainbow Dash, walking slowly, an eyepatch over one eye, the other glaring at Celestia with an intensity few mortals could conjure.

Applejack, her hair down and unkempt, without her hat, looking lost in the world.

And Rarity.

Twilight took a few seconds to take it in. Tears were already gathering in her eyes. With her senses, she knew the answer, but she had to ask. "Is… is this real?"

"Oh yes," Luna said, smiling.

Twilight teared up, and ran towards everyone. "I can't believe it!" she said, hugging them, making sure not to break any bones. "I can't believe you're all back! How did you do it, Luna?"

"Yes," Celestia said, looking a bit worried, "how did you do it?"

Luna put a hoof to her lips. "Now, now, I'm sure you know," she said, "that a secret makes a woman a woman."

Ditzy peeked her head from behind the throne.

"And more importantly," Celestia said, approaching Luna, "aren't there supposed to be six Elements?"

Luna took a second. "You prohibited Pinkie Pie from ever getting near you again, didn't you?" she said.

Celestia froze. "Oh. Yeah."

"Bring her back."

Celestia paused. She looked at Twilight, with her friends.

"The Elements will be useless without her, won't they?"

Celestia paused. "…yes."

"So bring her back."

Celestia paused.

A bead of sweat ran down her brow.

Pinkie Pie was most likely the…

"What are you waiting for, Celestia?"

She seemed content to stay away…

If she stayed away, everything would be…

"Come on now, they'll get suspicious if you don't."

But if she wasn't, then…

Celestia inhaled, and looked to the sky.

"Pinkie Pie," she said, softly, "you may return."

Then, as if in a jump cut in a movie, as if she had been there the entire time, Pinkie Pie was with her friends, getting hugged by Twilight, looking happy.

It sent a chill down Celestia's spine.

It felt as if the entire universe had creaked into motion at that moment.

She had bad premonitions before. But nothing equaled what she felt now.

It was impossible. But Celestia knew this was…

"See!" Luna said, smiling. "Now everything will work out just fine."

Celestia couldn't even respond, she was so overcome by fear.

"Y-Yeah."

No, she was just being paranoid. This would be like any other Game, right?

…right?

– – – –

In the Crystal Empire, the streets were deserted.

"Can't save them… can't save them… can't save them…"

Cadance shook.

"One day… one day… one day… one day… one day…"

She inhaled.

"One day left…"

She took a deep breath.

"This is… the only way. The… only way…"

Comments

[a human]

6991124
Line now included.

Obama chuckled. "You mean the Elements of Harmony?" He looked down. "Just you try to use them."

[Mira Starlight]

I've waited so long for this. My dreams have come true.

[a human]

8553106
Yeah, that was a particularly long hiatus.

Are you a fan of the series? :p

[Mira Starlight]

8553437
You bet I am. One of my favorite AUs, really.

[a human]

8553446
Wow, seriously?

It's weird to realize I actually have some fans, especially with that absolutely terrible like ratio :p

[New Spark]

8556073
I also am a fan. This AU is freaking incredible.

[Devantejah]

Fuck, I missed this chapter update!

Good to see some posting, a human. :)

[iamthemithras]

Count me a fan too!
Man, I actually stay away from the actual show now if it's even still airing and I actually dislike the brony community in general that I almost want to forget being a brony at one point.
But from time to time (we're talking like every 3-6 months here) I log into this site to see if you made any updates. (and convince myself I'm still finishing the stories I made)
Good to see you're still making chapters. You're amazing.

[a human]

8815886
As you may have noticed, that's roughly how I'm writing the story now :p

I've moved on from ponies a bit as well, and in addition to that, writing this story is work. The plot's so elaborate that writing a chapter involves as much cross-referencing as writing an essay, except it has also has to be funny. But sometimes I get in the mood, and squeeze something out. (Usually when I'm too depressed to work on anything else.)

My biggest regret—and something that continually saps my motivation to work on this—is all the celebrity cameos. I'd really just like to cut Obama and Trump out, to be honest. I think they distract from the main points of the series, make it a hard sell to readers, and likely just look trite.

I'm not sure how I'd go about changing this on a practical level, though. I mean, how often do you hear about someone retconning nearly every story in a 10 story series?

I think I could replace Obama with Anon without it affecting the plot at all, really, which is a little shameful. (I mean, think about it. From a comedy perspective, is there really a difference between Nightmare Obama and Nightmare Anon? And that's the biggest role he's had in the plot for a while.) But I'm not sure what I would do with everyone else.

Anyway, maybe I'll think of something. Or just ignore the problem. We'll see.

I have no idea when or if there will be another chapter, but thank you for continuing to follow me. This is, unfortunately, sort of my magnum opus, so I suppose I've got to finish it one of these days :p

[iamthemithras]

8937343
I'd like to say for the record that Obama is my favorite part of your story even if he kinda disappeared for a chunk of a story. The story is definitely funny, and I liked how his character has developed.
Trump is hilarious too, I love his character here.

I think I know what you feel about having a magnum opus, I feel the same way with one of my stories and on a gut level I feel like I have to finish it but it takes a long time on getting myself to work on it and it's a bit of work also making it funny. Weird thing is, I know how I'll end the story but it's everything between that takes work.

Writing this story may have started out fun and rewarding for you and ended up just being work (and probably depressing to work on again) but I want to say that I really believe in your talent and I know that you can finish this story and find a way to enjoy the process of writing this again. I'm grateful for this story, if nothing else!

I'm just one fan, but I think I speak for a lot more of us who are waiting for your next update. You're doing great! I can't ask for anything else.

[LightnDarkGodofSalvation]

I don't care how this story goes, Obama is going to win. Because this universe is messed up.

[LightnDarkGodofSalvation]

Also, AVERAGE THE EXTINCT!!!