Obama Returns to Equestria

by a human

Luna's Secret

"Dammit! Dammit! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!"

Derpy kicked a rock. It went through three trees and made a large gash in the canyon wall behind.

"I can't believe that bastard kicked me out!"

A small rabbit looked on in fear. Derpy walked over, crushed it with her hoof, and tore its head off with her teeth.

"Time to find out when I am."

Derpy removed her disguise and started her long walk home, wherever that was in this variation.

– – – –

Luna's room, like Celestia's, was big. Length and width-wise, it was bigger than most ponies' houses, and vertically, it was at least 10 useless stories tall. It had been years since even Luna had flown up to the top—she was sure there was probably a bunch of useless crap on the rafters. (Rafters were, of course, completely unnecessary in the eldritch construction methods of the castle, but the royal sisters found they improved the ambiance considerably.)

The room was also round, and filled with an equally large and round bed. It, to be honest, did not look like something one would sleep on. It looked like the type of thing one would host parties on. After all, it was unlikely that one person, even an immortal, would need 25 pillows to sleep.

In a corner, there were a couple human devices—a videogame console connected to a television—with an elaborate magic rune drawn below it. Usually, no one noticed it, but when alone, Luna enjoyed playing the demented games humans would come up with.

Apparently most of the humans thought she played a bunch of first person shooters or something, but in reality, she found what they called "dating sims" to be the ultimate guilty pleasure. What humans considered to be a healthy relationship fascinated her, especially considering how they acted in Equestria.

None of this, however, appeared to have been used recently. That was because Luna had just returned from a week long diplomatic mission—which mostly consisted of her apologizing to all the other countries for Celestia screwing them over in various ways.

She had managed to convince a few people that once you really got to know her, Celestia wasn't so bad, so that went better than usual. And her usual "if you don't make a deal with me, you'll have to deal with Celestia, or worse, The Donald" worked wonders, of course.

But there were some downsides to diplomacy. Namely, it left Celestia alone with Equestria, and Luna having to catch up on what nightmarish bullshit Celestia caused this time.

And boy was it weird this time.

There were two big headlines: "Celestia Tells Pop Star Sweetie Belle Secrets of the Universe, Kills Her" and "Giant Fish Rapes Canterlot."

Followed by a full-page ad for "Siren juice," whatever the hell that was.

Luna sighed, and set down the newspaper. "Looks like today's going to be a long day," she said, looking out the window to the sun. She looked to a batpony guard, the only other person in the room. "I can tell why you didn't want to break the news to me yourself."

"The fact that I do not understand the news played a large role in that, sir!" the batpony, π/2, said in a heavily regimented and overly loud voice. "I heard the thuds and tried to mind my own business, sir!"

"That's fine," Luna said, getting up from the pillow she was straddling. "It probably would have been a bad idea for you to be near a siren that powerful anyway." Luna thought. "I still can't believe Vivace's a person—er, siren."

"Does this have any impact on our mission, sir!?"

Luna winced slightly. "No," she said. "For one, our mission is to stay under the radar. For two, it's too late to help her."

"What about Sweetie Belle, sir!?"

Luna shook her head. "I can't think about her," she said. "I talked to her for all of a minute and she almost blew our cover. She must've known something important about all this. But now… she's either dead or in the dungeons, and I can't do anything about that."

π/2 hesitated. "So… business as usual, sir?"

"Yes." Luna got quiet when she saw the look on his face. "You want to… help the people of this country, don't you?"

π/2 didn't respond.

"Listen," Luna said. "It's baby steps, okay? We've already changed a lot."

"We were all suspicious of this deal at first, sir. I'll admit it," π/2 said. "But after seeing what this country is really like… we'll put our lives on the line for you, sir. If you want to take a bigger risk… we'll support you, sir."

Luna looked to the side, bothered. "I'm… I'm doing all I want to," she said. "I can't risk any more of you losing the connection." She looked to π/2 again. "But… thanks for the offer."

"Of course, sir."

Luna took a breath, then looked at the door. "It's our first day back for a while now. Let's just try to get through it."

– – – –

The day court was packed.

Canterlot being destroyed tended to do that.

Celestia, noticing Luna enter, looked a little surprised, then regained her usual silky smoothness.

"Hello Luna," she said. "Any reason you're attending the day court?"

Luna sat on her own, noticeably smaller throne. "It seems I've missed quite a bit this past week. I figured I'd try to catch up."

"It's your own fault, you know," Celestia said. "You do realize 'diplomatic visits' are unnecessary for us, right? We're gods. It doesn't matter what the world thinks of us."

Luna scoffed. "You say that, but then you're continually amazed when the other nations send you gifts instead of death threats." Luna smiled. "Besides, I might as well do something while you're playing around."

Celestia smiled. "Maybe I like the death threats," she said. "But point taken. You may watch, but don't interfere." She looked to the sky. "At least, until nightfall arrives."

That was fairly arbitrary when Celestia controlled the sky, but there wasn't much Luna could do about it. "Understood."

Celestia turned to the line once more. "Next!"

A nervous, but indignant stallion came up. "Princess Celestia, about the incident in Canterlot…"

"Yes?"

The stallion took a bit to compose himself. "I want to know one thing."

"What is it?"

"…why is Pony Joe's Donuts the only building that was not destroyed?"

Celestia continued smiling, but the atmosphere grew tense. "I have no idea," she said. "Maybe Vivace did not find donuts sufficiently erotic. Is that answer satisfactory?"

The stallion's face said it clearly wasn't, but he lied. "Yes."

He left.

Luna's suspicion Celestia had something to do with Vivace trashing Canterlot was looking more likely with each passing second.

"Next!"

An official looking mare walked up. "I would like to inform you, Princess Celestia," she said, "that in the four days since the Canterlot incident, sexual… relations with fish has increased at least 300%."

Celestia smiled, obviously unimpressed, but amused. "How on earth did you figure that out in four days?"

"If I've seen three ponies are doing it, it's increased 300%."

Celestia couldn't really argue with that. "And?"

The mare looked offended. "It's illegal. Do something about it."

Celestia put a hoof to her chin, clearly in mock thought. "Is it?" She turned to Luna. "Luna, you're the Princess of the Night. You're in charge of the sex stuff. Tell me."

Luna groaned. There was no way Celestia had forgotten that law. Pretty much everyone who had studied Equestrian law had this one memorized. Even for Celestia, it was… special.

"Lawbook F Chapter VI Item 6," Luna recited drolly. "Unnatural acts between a pony and a lesser species are expressly forbidden. 'Unnatural acts' will not be defined more clearly. 'Lesser species' will not be defined more clearly. The punishments for violating this law will not be defined more clearly." She had to take a breath before reciting the last part. "The only exception to this law is if the pony plans to make a profit off of the lesser species by selling their semen as part of an energy drink."

Celestia looked wistful. "Ah, yes," she said. "One of the finest parts of the human justice system."

"See!?" the mare said, looking confident. "They weren't making energy drinks, I can tell you that much! Fish don't even work like that!" She smiled. "And they were doing it in public too! Can you say blatant disregard for public decency laws!? Are these the type of people you want representing Equestria!?"

Celestia smiled. "Those 'public decency laws' are just an urban myth, you know," she said.

The mare began to get a sinking feeling. "What?"

Celestia turned back to Luna. "Luna?"

"Yes?"

"Add the following words to Item 5." She inhaled. "'A fish is fine, too.'"

Luna rolled her eyes. "As you wish."

The mare sputtered. "Bu… wha… that's disgusting!"

"No it isn't," Celestia said. "I rule, and I say it isn't. So there."

The mare tried to think of something. "Bu… b-but what about multiple fish!? Now the law just says 'a fish'!"

Celestia's eyes and smile widened. "Were any of the people you watched having sex with multiple fish?"

The mare blushed. "N-No…"

"Then I'm not going to worry about it." Celestia leaned on a hoof. "Let me put it this way. If someone can figure out how to triple penetrate themselves with fish, I'll make it legal. Am I clear?"

The mare nodded, pale, and left.

Celestia turned to Luna. "So, glad you came?" she said, smiling.

Luna was looking up at the ceiling, exasperated. "I'm not learning anything new, I'll tell you that much," she said.

"I knew you'd get back in the royal grind quickly enough." Celestia turned to the crowd. "Next!"

Pony after pony came asking questions about the circumstances of the incident, demanding compensation, and complaining about moral injustices. Celestia proceeded to give them vague answers, money, and sarcasm for their efforts.

Sunset came when Celestia began to grow bored of the forum.

Also, the sun began to set.

"I'll let you take the reins in… about five more ponies," Celestia said to Luna, noticing how long the line still was. "I need a break from this shit."

"Right," Luna said, as casually as she could. She was itching for the chance to run a sane court for once.

Also, there was something about the pony at the front of the line that had been bothering her for a while…

Celestia turned to the line again. "Next!"

The next pony stepped forward, exhibiting a strange, otherworldly grace. They were noticeably larger than the others, and covered from head to toe in a dark robe.

They were silent for an unusually long amount of time.

Celestia, getting irritated, broke the silence. "Well," she said, as smoothly as possible, "what is your concern?"

"I wish to return to my rightful place on the throne."

Celestia twitched. There was something about their voice that bothered her, but she ignored it and smiled. "Oh really?" she said, glad to have someone interesting for once. "And why do you think you belong on 'the throne'?"

The pony lowered the hood of their robe, and that's when all hell broke loose.

The entire room froze.

Celestia thought she had had a long day with Vivace. She thought she had experienced the last thing that would truly surprise her. She thought that was the last time a new variable would appear that would utterly flabbergast her. But the pony in front of her proved her wrong.

For standing right in front of her…

…was Princess Luna, sans regalia.

Celestia looked to the Luna sitting next to her. Then she looked at the Luna in front of her.

Both, in her hawklike vision, looked identical. Both, in her wolflife smell, smelled identical.

"W-Wha…?"

"That Luna's an imposter," the hooded Luna said, then smiled, bared her teeth, and shot a burst of powerful blue magic at the gaping Luna on the throne.

The other Luna's form shimmered, and quickly turned into that of a very surprised Chrysalis. Glowing blue magic bars then appeared out of nowhere, restrained her, and lifted her struggling body a good five feet off the ground.

It was all Celestia could do to keep her mouth closed. "Chrysalis? How long…?"

"About 20 years, I think," the real Luna said, throwing her robe off and walking to her throne. She sat down on it. "So, have I missed much?"

Celestia was silent. She looked up at Chrysalis, who was still wearing the royal regalia. "Don't you want your…?"

"No," Luna said. "I've begun to enjoy nudity."

Celestia shook her head. "How…?"

"She had a few tricks up her sleeve, obviously. Who knows who she could've learned them from," Luna said. "Oh, right, and I almost forgot." Her horn lit up and Celestia blinked. "It looks like you had your own mind control looped around you for some reason. You must've been pretty confident in yourself—and never even thought to doubt what you saw with your own eyes."

Celestia looked around, clutching her head. "Wha…? That works?"

Luna shrugged. "Apparently." She smiled. "Head feel clearer now?"

Celestia squinted at Luna. "You're the real deal," she said. "You're the real Luna."

"Got that right." Luna looked up at Chrysalis coyly. "I can't believe she fooled you, to be honest. Not thinking something was up with the video games is pretty careless even for you…"

Chrysalis finally spoke. "What the hell is this, Luna!? This was your idea, you idiot!"

Celestia narrowed her eyes, but Luna casually waved a hoof. "Lies, obviously. Who are you going to believe, a changeling, or your own sister?" She turned to some guards. "Take her to a large room and chain her to a wall. Keep watch over it. Let anyone enter and do whatever they want to her, except kill her." She smiled. "I've always wanted to see what a changeling looks like engorged."

A couple guards took the surprisingly light Chrysalis and carried her off.

Celestia looked at Luna suspiciously. "Just what have you been up to for the last 20 years, Luna?"

Luna smiled slowly. "Sorry, I can't tell you," she said, tilting her head. She leaned into Celestia's face, her wings raised. "A secret makes a woman a woman."

Celestia blushed.

So did the crowd.

"This is a completely normal way for siblings to express affection," Luna said, licking Celestia's face.

"Day court is over! So's night court! Leave, everyone!" Celestia said frantically. She turned to the guards. "You too! Everyone out! Out!"

Everyone quickly started filing out.

When the room was almost empty, Luna spoke. "So, Celestia, what's this I hear about another princess?"

Celestia blinked. "Well, you see, the seal on the Crystal Empire finally broke, so—"

Luna got serious. "I'm not talking about Cadance. Just tell me the truth, Celestia, because I'll find out eventually," she said. "Did you make another immortal?"

Celestia was silent for a while, and then decided to answer. "Yes," she said. "One of my magic students. Twilight Sparkle. She tried to kill me and I was impressed."

Luna looked irritated. "I see the mind control looping made you stupider than I thought."

Celestia smiled, looking oddly serene. "No, that wasn't it," she said. "Even now, I would've made the same choice. I've had my eye on her for a very, very long time now."

Luna looked Celestia in the eye, and then dropped it. "Alright," she said. "I'll trust you. So when can I meet her?"

Celestia shrugged. "Who knows? She sent herself to a remote castle a while back, and I've heard some pretty interesting rumors about what's going on there…"

Luna twitched. "You didn't tell her about the hunger, did you?"

Celestia smiled. "Of course not."

Luna punched Celestia through the face. It quickly grew back.

Celestia continued smiling, unfazed.

"Oh, look," Luna said, "my hoof slipped."

"You're still angry about that?" Celestia said. "I'm surprised you can even remember it."

Luna scoffed. "My brain's never gotten as scrambled as yours," she said. "You know that."

Celestia was silent for a few seconds. "Speaking of that," she said, "something's been bothering me for a while now."

Luna raised an eyebrow. "You? Please, tell me more."

Celestia hesitated, but spoke. "Is there… a rhythm… outside?"

"Outside what?"

"The dome."

The two stared at each other.

Then Luna spoke. "Of course there is," she said. "You did that to the sky, remember? It's basically a long-acting spell. That lightning has your signature on it the same way the mind control magic in here does."

Celestia thought about it, then hit her head with her hoof. "Oh. Right. And she was able to do that to me because of the loop…" Celestia shook her head. "I'm so stupid."

"Don't worry, it's not your fault," Luna said, smiling condescendingly. Her eyes narrowed. "Who's 'she,' though?"

"Just some pop star I showed the outside for kicks," Celestia said, trying to downplay it. "She was a descendent of an escaped experiment I made, and could… abuse the rhythm." She saw the look on Luna's face. "Don't worry, I killed her."

"Good. I can't believe you kept those people alive," Luna said. Then, she smiled. "Wait, so does that mean that, until now, you thought there was some 'god rhythm' out there or something?"

Celestia looked the side, embarrassed. "W-Well, I…" She looked at Luna, blushing. "Yes."

Luna laughed. "Oh, this was so worth it," she said. She nustled against Celestia. "Come on now. You were the one that told me, remember? We're gods. We're the top of the food chain now. There's nothing above us." She rested her head on Celestia's back. "Don't forget that. It's your only good quality."

Celestia looked ahead.

Did Sweetie Belle use her own rhythm against her out there? Was that what she was referring to? That was an awfully convenient explanation.

But deep inside of Celestia… part of her couldn't help but worry.

Was this finally her… their day of reckoning…?

Was the force outside…?

– – – –

Pinkie Pie sat on a rock in the apocalyptic wasteland outside of the dome, skipping stones in the time dilated zones.

Suddenly, she stopped, her ears twitching. She looked ahead, to the glowing dome in the distance.

"Celestia's finally realizing the nature of her situation," she said. "Good."

She looked up through a rare break in the freakish clouds to the moon.

The real moon.

It was much too close to the ground, and had a giant chunk blown out of it. You could see debris orbiting the planet as well.

"And he's making his first move…"

Comments

[iamthemithras]

The moon is hurling down towards the planet.

I think I know where this is going.

I'm guessing the next thing that would happen is Celestia foils his plan, blow his mind with another not-quite-tell-all monologue, then either torture/kill him. Then its up to Ditzy, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash to save the world. They come up with a plan, Celestia is almost defeated but still manages to foil their plan, then tell another slightly revealing evil monologue, either kill/torture them. It would be up to Pinkie Pie then, there would be a glimpse of the future where the dome is shattered, Pinkie overlooks the scene and says "I am now become death, destroyer of worlds" or something.

The thousand that read There is No Luna should have checked out this series-spanning novel you're working on. Speaking of novels, have you got one published? You would really make it big IMHO