Zambies

by Poet_Flame

Chapter 4: An Extraordinarily Badass Moment

Rainbow Basher, although comically obese and rather apathetic when it came to physical activity, was an exceptional flyer. She rarely used her magnificent ability, but when she did, by Me did she use it. Her wings would be a blur and a streak of rainbow shot out from behind her. She could fly so fast that one time she went into a coma from smacking into a building at the speed of sound. It was a miracle she didn't die.

Now here she was, fit as a fiddle, trotting contently by my side, wings tucked up and ready to be opened at command. The sky was turning an interesting shade of indigo and it looked as if it was going to be time to pack up for the night soon, when we suddenly heard a gurgling noise.

Rainbow opened her wings immediately, as did I. I readied myself to shoot magic at full force if needed, and we were just in time because, at that moment, an enraged Zambie came galloping t'wards us. Rainbow flipped around so her hind legs were facing the Zambie, presumably so she could buck it. There was no need, however, because a spark of purple shot forth from my horn and struck the Zambie damn perfect in the chest. I stood upright again triumphantly, opening my majestic wings for effect, but then a thousand more gurgles came from every direction, and it was evident that I was nowhere near done. As if on cue, Rainbow shot upwards quickly, hovering above me and the Zambies. For a second or two I waited, not quite sure what to do. Suddenly, I realised Rainbow's idea. I opened my wings again and flew up next to her. The Zambies ambled around aimlessly in the spot I had been, looking up wistfully. Suddenly about five pegasus Zambies appeared from nowhere and came zooming at us. I shot randomly at each one in turn, but Rainbow Basher was the most successful. She kicked and butted all of the Zambies into mulch and soon not a single one was airborne. She went rocketing off by herself, presumably to get as far away from the Zambies as physically possible. I followed her lead but could not catch up with her for some time, until she came to an abrupt stop and I went crashing into her. After recomposing ourselves, we settled down on the edge of a cliff, which was the highest point we could be bothered to get to. As we set up camp as much as we could with no supplies, I began thinking about a Zambie's ability to fly.

"If they are capable of flying, do you think they're capable of magic too? If they're a unicorn, that is." I thought aloud, gathering some moss from the side of the mountain to use for makeshift beds.

"Maybe. I'm certainly no Zambie scientist so don't expect me to know anything about their abilities." Rainbow replied. "Oh, and I need to just clear somethin' up real quick. This is usually the part in most movies - -the part where the heroes are setting up camp in the wilderness and talking about somethin' stupid -- when the heroes hook up. Let me just say--"

"Rainbow, I have THIS," -- I put my hooves firmly together to indicate nothing -- " much intention of hooking up with you. Like, ever." Rainbow Basher smiled appreciatively and continued to gather odd sticks and twigs from close by. Then there were a few brief moments of silence, but they weren't awkward. Small birds chirping and bigger birds squawking made an excuse for both of us not to talk. Eventually I said

"Rainbow, I almost swear I heard you get bitten back in Canterlot. What exactly happened?" Rainbow shrugged as if it wasn't important, but replied

"I said before, I'm not an idiot. I can get out of sticky situations easily. People think, 'cause of my accent, my weight and my beliefs that I'm some big oaf who don't know anything."

"Who doesn't," I corrected half-heartedly.

"It DOESN'T matter. Anyway, I flew away blindly and ended up just where you found me -- in the middle of the jungle. Who even knew there WAS a jungle so near to Canterlot?"

"I did." I said, collecting the last of the moss. "It's where Luny first brought around the 'New Loony Republic' idea. She only dismissed it because she didn't want it to be night all the time in Manecraft because of the evil mobs, and she had promised to make eternal night EVERYWHERE, and she didn't want to keep that promise."

"Nice." Rainbow replied boredly, already focusing on lighting the fire. I rolled my eyes and said

"Here, let me try. It's impossible to do anything without magic." Rainbow had been attempting to use her hooves to rub two sticks together, like in the movies, but to no avail. I put the two sticks back on the fire and shot a quick flame spell at the pile of twigs and leaves, setting it alight instantly. I and Rainbow spread out on separate moss beds and basked in the warm glow of the fire. The sky was as black as ink now. Using our wings as duvets, we drifted off to sleep, in the hopes that no Zambies would find us in the night.

*

"Damnit!" I was only half awake, and Rainbow Basher was repeating this same word over and over again. Not in quick succession, but still frequently.

"Wahudun?" I said incoherently, one eyelid heavier than the other making me look slightly ridiculous. I shook myself awake.

"Damnit!" Rainbow said again, stomping around as if looking for something. I cleared my throat and said

"What are you doing?" to which Rainbow replied

"I can't find my damn phone." Rainbow's ApplePhone was one of her prized possessions and she never left home without it. Evidently, she had this time.

"Maybe we should go back up to Cloudsdale to your house and get it, if it's that important." I suggested.

"It ain't in Cloudsdale." Rainbow said, giving up looking. "I must have lost it." I rolled my eyes.

"I'll get you another one."

"No!" Rainbow insisted. "We HAVE to get my one back."

"We are not searching the entire Jungle."

"Well, I haven't been around the entire goddamn jungle, have I? I've barely been in a fifth of it. Plus, I know exactly which fifth I've been in, so it should be easy." I rolled my eyes again, the pupils practically leaving my eyeballs.

"Oh yeah, I'm sure no rampaging Zambies stampeded it while it was lost."

"Agh!" Rainbow spluttered, stamping backwards and forwards. "I just realised! I left it in my saddle pack. It's back in Canterlot."

"So? Let's go find it."

"But...but it's bound to be riddled with Zambies by now! I mean, if they've managed to get here already.."

"Rainbow, look. I'm an alicorn, and you're basically a super enhanced pegasus. We are going to be fine!" I said in a motherly tone. Rainbow sighed, drooping. She seemed in defeat as she walked reluctantly to my side. I extended a large wing and carefully placed it around Basher. I smirked as Rainbow squirmed in half-hearted protest to such an intimate gesture, but I wrapped my articulated wing tips right around Basher and said

"It's alright, Bashie." In a deliberately sickeningly sweet tone. The sort you hear couples converse in on Hearts and Hooves day. Rainbow bit my enormous wing and, once I recoiled (laughing hysterically at Rainbow Basher's reaction) Rainbow flew upwards, reluctantly chuckling along with the joke.

"That was a joke, right?" Rainbow checked. I replied, still smiling devilishly

"Yeah, yeah, don't worry. Okay, let's go ApplePhone hunting!"

Comments

[Elric of Melnipony]

Well... this isn't the stupidest thing I've ever read, but it ranks pretty highly.

[Poet_Flame]

>>Elric of Melnipony I'm glad to hear it made the right effect :)

[Elric of Melnipony]

5796675
You want your readers to be disappointed rather than entertained?

[bahatumay]

You said Zambi and this shirt came to mind.

[Xray]

This is b8

[Blackguard]

5796819
Based on the summary I'm guessing trollfic.

[Ithrex]

Twilit Spargle, spokespony for the St. Louis Rams!

[Poet_Flame]

5797594 I don't have any clue who this St Louis Rams is but I am assuming the joke was funny so I applaud you politely young sir *clap clap clap clap*

[Poet_Flame]

5797028 REFERENCE HO!

[Poet_Flame]

5797386 You would be generally right. Except it isn't meant to trick anyone into thinking that it is being serious, it's pretty obvious from the beginning I should think :D

[Midna Diane Pie]

I'm assuming this is a trollfic.

[Poet_Flame]

5799389 Your assumation (That a word? Eh, whatever) is correct. :)

[Midna Diane Pie]

5800740 I thought so.

[Icy_blue_orchid]

Where did you get this idea? It makes me laugh while I am dying inside