- Member Since 8th Jun, 2014
- offline last seen Dec 6th, 2020
Toxic Charm
Thank you to everyone who reads my stories,comment,and favorite. I appreciate all the support.
Toxic Charm
Joined 8th Jun, 2014 ·
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- Nimbus92 · 3.1k words · 41 7 · 1.4k views
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Hmm... It wasn't bad, but it wasn't quite good, either. Not only cause it seems a bit rushed, but... I don't know, it just seems to be missing something. Maybe how his arrival, arrangements, and getting used to Equestria wasn't quite in-depth. Maybe how he's so whipped that he just does as he's asked without question. Maybe it's how Rarity just seems super open about doing the sideways tango with a hairless alien monkey that seemingly just appeared two days ago and is going to be living with her.
I'd say that's pretty much it; a certain lack of conflict. I'm also surprised the mud didn't play a part in it; she just gets splashed, but then said mud is never mentioned again. Also, perhaps a bit of OOC, too; Rarity's lines don't really feel like lines Rarity would say.
"You and Rarity and outside" nope.
5416759 thank you for the feedback :) it really does help me, And I will fix issues such as these in future stories.
I've only looked at the story description, but you do know that character names are supposed to be capitalized, right?
5417320
5417777 thank you both for pointing those out in the description :) I missed the auto correct with the "You and rarity and outside." Which has now been fixed. And the capitalization has been fixed :)
Thank you for the feedback
~Toxic
5421713
You've still got two more mentions of Rarity in your description that aren't capitalized.
If your story is anything like this, you probably need an editor.
5421892 fixed,thank you I've been in a hurry today. I am working in edits more, as well as working on everything. I hope if you read the story you enjoy it.
It was an interesting one to pick at random. Keep doing what you do.
Reading of this fic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYkB6rBl6HM
With very few exceptions you should avoid using the same noun in a sentence more than once. In fact your goal should be to try to avoid using the same word for something as much as possible.