I am a startin writer hoping to create some of the most amazing stories.
Princess Twilight Sparkle and Flash Sentry want to try and fix their relationship with each other. Meanwhile Twilight must also help the Dazzling's seek redemption. This takes plave after Rainbow Rocks.
This is my first story so please, if any critic or helpful comments. I will be very pleased.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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A little clunky but not bad :)
While choppy, it's not bad overall. I bet a good sized chunk of the downvotes you've got are simply from Flashlight haters. While I don't like the ship as it is, I won't dump on people who do. But, haters gonna hate.
You have a broken size tag for your title header.
Your use of ellipses needs improvement. Your pacing is weak, and your narrative is a little sloppy. Also, your premise itself is predicated on Twilight having lingering worries over something she knows was caused by dark magic--and knows wore off before she left.
It's just not really working for me. Won't downvote, though, because you're taking enough abuse from the FlashLight haters as it is.
5366665
Thanks
5366795
Okay thank you for commenting, This is my first story after all and I will try to improve it.
From one amateur to another, I am enjoying myself with this.
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Thanks
I read this first chapter despite it being a Flashlight fic. I don't like that ship and can't see how people can get behind it unless they really add a ton to his character. In my opinion, Flash Sentry from the movies is the shallowest possible for a shallow love interest, but that is a personal preference.
Anyways about the story, not really much that can be said from just one chapter, but there are a few things. First of all if you are going to use symbols to mark scene breaks try something a little less in our face. Some people go fancy with that thing. I just do something simple that shows what it is. (ex: "{-} {-} {-}" ). Still this is a personal choice for you to make.
Another thing I would recommend is, you look over your chapter once maybe twice before posting. I'm not saying go crazy with revising or anything like that. There will always be people that bring up grammar (unless you get to professional standards somehow, or guys are trying to be nice to someone they think might be a girl), but you would be surprised how much you will catch reading through your chapters once or twice. It won't be too bad with chapters of this length.
I won't downvote because it takes a lot for me to actually downvote a fic. Even if I absolutely loathe the ship being used in the story.
I do think her main reason for going back is rather weak, but hey you have to get her to go back somehow so I can let it slide. I may not think she would go back to the human world mostly just to hook up with Flash Sentry, but for your story she has to go back for some reason and that is a reason.
One last thing would be Spike's overly specific and detailed dialogue on why he was there. Try not to get too carried away with explaining things using dialogue alone unless it is absolutely needed. Part of Spike's explanation could have just been described to us with him saying he was wondering what was going on to Twilight.
I will at least say her secondary reason for going back does seem like Twilight to me. I thought it was wrong for her to just let the Dazzlings run off like that and not seem to care at all in the end of the movie. I feel if Discord deserves a second and third chance than most villains do. I don't think Tirek does though. The Dazzlings I do think deserve another chance.
Something I had mixed feelings about was how Spike had to remind the Princess of Friendship helping the Dazzlings was more important than going to hook up with Flash Sentry. It didn't seem to fit Twilight's character she would think the opposite. At the same time though, it was nice to see Spike actually being her number one assistant and getting her back on track. It showed Spike in his best light. Spike in his element is something I like to see more of.
That was my two cents. I hope it was kind of helpful and didn't come off as too negative. Twilight going back to help the Dazzlings and meet with her friends in the EQG world is still a good idea for a story, even if it is a Flashlight fic. Keep trying with your story, it is the only way you can get better and it is fun to write fanfics of your ideas even if people disagree with them.
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Okay thanks so much for your comment
A strong start to a fanfiction. Great job so far!
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Thanks alot
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I don't know how this story has many dislikes when your other fic has more likes.
Anyways I wonder what will do Flash Sentry.
I believe that Sunset Gone is a prequel of this fic.
You know you should do less exclamation marks.
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I actually just planned then as individual fics. Thanks for the advice anyways
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You're welcome
I wished that this continued. Especially since Twilight didn't talk to Flash in this chapter.
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It's because it is/was a Flash Sentry story.