- Member Since 1st Dec, 2014
- offline last seen Aug 23rd, 2021
Militarybronybear
Hey, I'm jacob and I like military things and ponies.
Militarybronybear
Joined 1st Dec, 2014 ·
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Bloody turrists, honestly none of this would be happening if we would just stay out of the middle east, also i shall follow dis story eagerly.
Wow people like this, holy shit, alright uh um uh uhhhhhh um, so yeah woop woop I guess..?
Keep going, this has potential!
I really like this idea.
I will keep my eyes on this one, looking forward to next update ;)
I'm loving this so far. Keep it up.
I like this story, no doubt, but the two things you must focus on is to organize your paragraphs and improve your grammar. Greatly. Nowhere near the worst grammar I have seen. In fact, it's above decent.
I'll stick around and hope to see you improve!
You know, I find this awesome, i wish i could give a like for each chapter!
Aw shucks, I try
Perhaps a bat pony midnight breeze
Sunny glow? Nightingale? Spring glaze? Mountain Dew? Sierra Mist? I'll come up with more later.
5384413 one sounds like a donut and two of them are sodas, but I shall use them! Some how....!
5384445 That's not a donut name, but I thought Spring Glaze sounded like a donut too. Also I forgot to leave my thoughts on the story... you probably already know what I think of the story... I love it.
Angle bunny? I think you have just started something.
I liek a lot
"But dubstep cleared it out"
Dubstep, the cure for writers block.
Hmmm, not a bad read for how short it is.
Nice chapter and hope to see more from you soon.
Alright so far so good
Yeah I had to stop here, the whole thing is a bit sloppy in the writing. Mainly you rush through everything and you keep changing from 1st perspective to 3rd and back. You should just stick with one like 3rd person as you want to show other characters since 1st person is usually only used in stories where it's only done from the perspective of the main character.
Also I don't think you know how Marines are, you might want to change him to someone like regular army or a Ranger or something. Here's how a Navy man told me (and others backed him up) how Marines are. You go up to one and say "What's up Devil Dog Ohrah!" and a Marine will respond with "KILL!"
That's a Marine, great to have in a fight but personality wise usually only other Jarheads can stand them sometimes. Hell just saying hello can result in an asskicking and that's them liking someone. One other thing remember that only one person talks in a paragraph the first one in this chapter you kind of messed up on that part.
Neat! Really looking forward to the next chapter!
Angel not angle
Vinyl was a gangster, awesome!