Welcome to Equestria

by james_the_unicorn

chapter 5: Just An Interloper?

chapter 5: just an interloper?

It was getting late and he sun was setting over Ponyville. It was an interesting day, and I knew all the ponies were going home and getting to bed by now. I found myself yawning a little and I knew I was going to have to rest up somewhere. I went to find an inn, but everywhere I went they were asking for bits. I didn’t have any bits to my name, so I knew I had to find somewhere else. a lot of time went by and nowhere in the village would let me stay a night for nothing, so I had to make due. I walked out of the village and went toward the entrance to the forest. There was a large tree near the entrance that had plenty of leaves, so it provided a good cover. I knew I didn’t have any other options, so I decided to take what I could get. I walked up to the tree and gently laid down. The grass was soft, thankfully, so it was not a complete problem for me.

I looked up at the stars and stared for a while. The stars brighter than I have ever seen them before. It was an awe-inspiring sight and it made my heart slow. The moon was nearly full and filled the sky with light. It brought to mind a song my mother sang when I was a toddler. It’s been years since I last heard it, but this sight brought feint memories to mind. "Sleep tight my darling, don't fear the dark of night. The moon and stars are out to bring you light. Though they're so far, I swear with all my might. They might be worlds apart, but they'll protect you from fear and fright." I sighed a little, feeling both comforted but also a little embarrassed that I could remember that corny little tune. I don't know how long I stared up at the stars that night, but eventually, I passed out and fell dead asleep.
My sleep was alright, but the dream made it a little restless. I was dreaming about the moment I fell through to Equestria, scene by scene. But it was not the event that was restless, but rather the fact that I felt a presence observing me in the dream. It made me uneasy and I didn't know what it was that made me feel this way, but something was out of the ordinary. In the end that did not matter, though. I woke up the nest morning with a full night's sleep and just in time to see the sun rising to start a new day.

"Hmm, who do we have here?"

I looked around to see who just said that, then looked up. I saw some strange creature staring at me with a devious grin. He had a goat's head, snake body, lion's paw, and all sorts of other animal parts that composed his body. The sight of him caused me to jump in surprise and back up in a little fear. "Wh-what are you?!"

"Well what a coincidence, I was going to ask you the same thing!" he laughed and snaked back behind all the leaves.
"You are obviously a unicorn, but you are certainly no equestrian" He suddenly appeared as a miniature of himself and stepped out from under my hat. "Your mane does not hold the fragrance of Equestria, and..." he flew up above me, lifted my hat off my head and grew back to his normal size, holding my hat with both of his hands. "... You don’t have a very equestrian taste of fashion, either." after saying that he flattened the white top of my hat and blew into it like a tissue, then threw it to the ground.

Hearing the thud of the egg I kept inside my hat, I immediately lunged to the hat and looked inside to make sure it didn't crack. Luckily the hat provided enough padding to prevent anything that unfortunate.

"I know I might not be an equestrian, but that doesn’t mean I can't be one."

he laughed a rather eerie laugh and I backed up in a bit of intimidation. "You think you can be an equestrian, but once they know you are not, no pony will really accept you as one. And to that, I wish you good luck... interloper."

He laughed again before flying back into the forest.

"I-interloper...? Am I really an interloper? How will all these ponies react if they heard about this...?"

I sat down and looked at the ground, thinking over this whole encounter. He was a particularly weird creature, and could have been a simple figment of my imagination. But even if he was, the point was still the same. I didn't belong in Equestria, and the others would agree.
"HEY! KID! Ya new here?"

I looked around, then looked up to see a blue Pegasus with rainbow hair, standing on a cloud, staring at me. She must have been this world's Rainbow Dash.

Author's Note:

We all know Discord would do this sort of thing! It's in his nature!

Comments

[Lord Shaxx]

Well, you made the top three worst mistakes you can possbly make on this site.

1. You made a self-insert. I learned not to the hard way, and it's an easy mistake to make, if you're not careful with the implementation.

2. THE CHARACTER IS FUCKING RED AND BLACK. If you want to make a good OC, avoid these colors, except for trollfics. Otherwise you're just begging for, shall we say, blatant disregard of your writing, even if it is that of God himself.

3. You deleted comments and flamed those whom you judged to be haters. Also a lesson I learned the hard way, because this invites them to attack your user page itself, if they are actually haters, or politely reprimand you on your user page. Pray it's a polite reprimanding.

And the secret #4: Gary Stu. Best used in trollfics, the Gary Stu is that one kid who made his imaginary persona invincible, unkillable unless it suited them, and adaptable to any situation thanks to previously unstated powers or prowess. Your red and black self-insert is a Gary Stu.

These four mistakes will ensure poor reception, no matter how good everything else is. Work on avoiding these first, then on improving your writing.

Good luck.
-Lord Shaxx

[ChangelingQueenDragonfly]

5330971 That's not true. My definition is

Hater: Anyone who bashes a story/picture/person/fandom with the intent of harm or a reaction. This includes: saying no one should like something or someone, or worse, mercilessly saying cruel things/commiting cruel actions.