Mk. I
Twilight Sparkle woke to the sight of pain. Her vision swam, and colored lights popped against the darkness of her environment. She felt a hoof placed on her chest; she must have been lying down.
"Easy there," said an aged male voice, "you've made quite a recovery, but you're not quite there yet."
Twilight turned her head towards the voice, but her sight was still too murky to make out more than a grey figure. An earth pony, probably. "Rrrgh," she managed. She tried to inhale, to speak, but her breath was extremely shallow. She could feel her heart starting to race.
What's going on?
She tried to get up, but her body did not obey her; it was too weak.
"Easy, easy," said the voice, "lie down, you need to rest."
Twilight stared at the figure, her eyes unfocused but pleading.
"Telling you where you are would just make you more anxious. All you need to know now is that you're alive and recovering," he said. He gave her a light pat on the shoulder, and she passed out.
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Twilight woke to the sound of raspy voices, shouting.
"We come in here every day, and it's always the same. He's sitting, and she's sleeping! Why do we have to feed them if they're not working?!"
"Shaddup, you. And you! She's been out for so long, she's probably gonna starve to death if she doesn't wake up soon! Whaddaya have to say about that?"
"I'm sorry, I've done everything I can, really. She just needs rest."
"She's been resting for more than a week!”
"She'll wake up soon, I promise. She came to for a bit this morning."
"Yeah, well, Shealah's getting tired of waiting. Keep that in mind while you eat her food."
"Of course."
A pause, then a door slammed and a lock rattled. Twilight opened her eyes to the sight of a dank cavern.
"Where am I?" she asked to nopony in particular.
"Ah, speaking now, are we?" said distantly familiar voice. Twilight turned her head to face a grey old stallion. He wore small rimless spectacles, and a long grey mustache flowed from his face. He looked at her benevolently as he stirred a steaming bowl of broth.
"Who are you? Where am I?" asked Twilight.
"My name is Coals, and we are underground, stuck in a prison cell together," he said.
Twilight tried to offer a hoof in greeting, but he waved at her, saying "No, stay still, you're very weak."
"I feel pretty good, actually. How long was I out?" she asked.
"Eight days," replied Coals, "can you stand? The faster you get on your feet, the better for both of us."
"Yeah I- aaah. That does hurt, actually," said Twilight. She looked down at her body, finding it covered in stitches and bandages.
"What happened? Why am I here? Did I commit some kind of crime? What did I do?
"I don't know," said Coal, "I've been here for a month. Eight days ago, they brought you in here. You were a complete wreck, totally unconscious. It was a good thing, at first, because I didn't have any anesthetic to work with, but after a few days I started to wonder if you were in a coma."
"Thank you, Coals," said Twilight, "Who's 'they'?"
"Feldspar dogs, they call themselves. Their leader's a bitch named Shealah," said Coals, "I'm sure she'll want to talk to you, now that you're awake."
Over the next few hours, Twilight slowly regained her constitution, and by the time supper was served to them, she was standing. Just as Coals had predicted, their host was summoned the instant Twilight was seen awake. Shealah rushed into the room after mere moments. She was taller than her peons, and judging by the way they regarded her, she derived intense loyalty from them. Shealah looked Twilight up and down, appraising her. Eventually, she spoke: "Welcome, Miss Twilight Sparkle. I've heard many impressive things about you."
"Flattery is a strange way to start a conversation with your prisoner," said Twilight, "What do you want from me?"
"I only want you to do what you love: to teach. You will teach us to make your new gold alloy."
"How do you know about that?" demanded Twilight.
"I have my ways; it does not matter to you how I came to know of it's existence. All that matters is that you ensure I learn how to create it."
"What do feldspar dogs want with gold?" questioned Twilight.
Shealah scowled: "Feldspar has been unprofitable for too long. We no longer want to spend our lives scraping from the earth rocks which are merely semi-precious."
"Okay, well, you may as well let me go now, because it would be impossible for you to make my alloy. It has unicorn magic in it; thus it can only be made by unicorns," said Twilight.
Shealah scowled, but quickly regained her composure: "I suspected as much. But no matter; I always have a plan B. You will make the metal for us."
"What are you going to do with it?" asked Twilight.
"You mean, what will you do with it? You will forge weapons. Mostly spearheads." replied Shealah.
"I would never. I don't do weapons," said Twilight.
"Then you will die," replied Shealah, "The terms of our arrangement are very simple: you will make weapons for us, or you will die."
"What's to stop me from just walking out of here?" asked Twilight, "You said that you know about me; you do understand that you can't keep me here."
Shealah tapped a woven bracelet on her left arm, then gesture at the dogs around her. They all wore similar braided bracelets. "Magic-feedback resonators. We all have them, so don't try to do anything I wouldn't want you to."
"Bologna!" said Twilight, reaching out with what little magic she could manage in her weakened state, "Why, even just looking at that junk I can tell that- GAH!" Twilight was set upon by a dizzying migraine. It was fortunate that her magic was pathetically weak right then, or she could have been seriously injured.
"Wah?" Twilight stammered, her headache quickly receding, "That's extremely advanced magic! How could you possibly...?! Who is-”
"Again," interrupted Shealah, "It does not matter to you, as long as you comply with my wishes."
"Well..." huffed Twilight, "If I can't escape... then you should just kill me now. I'm not going to spend my life in a cave. Even if you had me making flower pots, I still wouldn't agree to it."
"Oh, Twilight," said Shealah, drawing out Twilight's name in condescension, "I am not that cruel. As I'm sure you are aware, your recipe requires a fair amount of gold, which is a scarce commodity. You will only stay here until you have exhausted our supply."
"And how large is that supply?" asked Twilight.
"About two hundred kilograms." Shealah replied.
"Two hundred kilograms?!" exclaimed Twilight, "I could be here for weeks!"
"I wouldn't know; it's not my formula," said Shealah, "But surely it's better than the alternative?"
Twilight considered that. "I'll have to think about it," she said.
Shealah appeared irritated at that. "I have already waited for more than a week," she said, "But... I am generous. You will have one day to make up your mind. I look forward to your cooperation." And with that, she turned and began to walk out of the cell.
"Wait!" said Twilight, "What about him?" She pointed at Coals.
"He is here to assist you," said Shealah over her shoulder, "if he becomes a nuisance, just tell us and he will be removed."
The other dogs followed her out of the cell. The last one placed on the floor two tin pans: dinner, presumably. Twilight stumbled over to her cot and collapsed onto it, wincing in pain. She had only been able to stand for so long through fear and the thrill of defying authority. She turned around and looked at Coals, who had sat quietly through the entire ordeal.
"So that's what we're up against, huh?" she said.
"Yes," said Coals, "You will do what they ask, won't you?"
"I don't know," said Twilight.
"You don't really have a choice," said Coals.
"Well," said Twilight, "My life affects a lot of other lives. If I do what they ask, some people will probably die. On the other hand, my everyday work saves lives. It's a question of whether the lives lost through my helping the feldspar dogs outweigh the lives I would save if I get let out of this place, which, remember, is far from a certainty."
"They just want spearheads," said Coals, "I mean, if you do have some kind of superalloy, how much difference does it make if a spearhead is made of that instead of steel? It still a spear, and spears don't really need that much durability."
"That's true," said Twilight, "but spears do need to hold an edge, and they do need to pierce armor. And you can make an awful lot of spearheads with two-hundred kilograms of material. Actually, they said more than two-hundred kilograms, and that's just the gold component of the Aurum. It would be an awful lot of spears."
"Is that what you call it? Aurum?" asked Coals.
"Yeah, that's what I call it," said Twilight. She sighed. "I'll decide tomorrow."
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"Hey!" yelled Twilight as she pounded on the metal door of their prison. It actually wasn't quite a yell, and with her broken and bandaged legs it wasn't quite a pound, either, but she did her best. "I can't work in these conditions! I need the proper equipment! Hello? I know there's somebody out there. I know you can hear me!"
A bolt slid and the door swung open. Shealah stood there, with two dogs flanking her. She drowsily blinked the sleep out of her eyes. "Up for an early start, are we?" she said.
"I just slept for a week, I'm pretty well rested," said Twilight, "Hey, do you really expect me to work with this? I mean, there's a furnace, and I think that used to be a crucible over there, but that's it! C'mon!"
"Yes, of course," said Shealah, "We have the tools you need. I thought you might want to coordinate the workshop layout, so I took the liberty of allowing you to recover before setting it up."
"Fair enough," said Twilight, "Let me see what you've got."
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"Put those acids over there, and put the oxidisers next to where those guys are putting the acids," barked Twilight. She liked having workers at her disposal, and she knew how to use them efficiently. "That workbench... is too tall. I don't need it. Ah! that's more like it. Line it up with that bench over there. Put the torch over in the corner. I need more acetylene! Coals, help them assemble that crucible. Is that brimstone? Yes, good, put it with the other alchemical supplies."
Twilight smiled to herself. This was what she was best at.
Shealah appeared beside her. "Is this suitable?" she asked.
"Oh, yes," said Twilight, "This will work just fine. In fact, I think it's just about ready."
"Excellent," said Shealah.
"So, what do you want me to make? Do you have any plans or do you just want me to wing it?" asked Twilight.
"Of course I have plans," said Shealah, "But first I need to be sure you can deliver. Make me a sample of your alloy. Ugh, that's getting irritating; don't you have a name for it? I tire of calling it 'your alloy'"
"Aurum. I call it Aurum," said Twilight.
"Yes, suitable," muttered Shealah.
"I can get to work as soon as... well..." she scanned the room, "it looks like everything's here except the gold."
Shealah procured a handful of golden pellets. "Will this be enough to make a sample?" she asked.
"More than enough," said Twilight as she levitated the pellets into a nearby empty jar.
"I look forward to seeing your work, Miss Sparkle. I'm so pleased you decided to do business with us," said Shealah as she turned and left.
Twilight didn't waste any time admiring her new workshop. "Alright, everybody out! I need to work here. Yes, bye, thanks for your help, smell you later," she said the dogs. They filed out, the door was closed, and the bolt slid into place. "Coals, light the furnace and the crucible while I prepare a marinade for these titanium shavings."
"Very well," said Coals, "This is quite a lot of enthusiasm coming from somepony who was asking to die merely twelve hours ago."
"Yeah, well, I've got an idea," said Twilight, dropping her voice to avoid being heard by any guards.
"An idea?"
"Yes, an idea," said Twilight, "ideas are my specialty. They make me excited. I've got an idea, so I'm excited."
"Would you care to enlighten your assistant?" asked Coals.
"I wish I could, but it would be safest if you didn't know for as long as you can possibly remain ignorant."
"If you say so," said Coals, "So, how can I help with this idea?"
"We're going to need a lot more gold, so for now we're just going to make the sample Shealah asked for," said Twilight as she levitated the gold over to Coals, "Here, melt these."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shealah tossed the golden cube from paw to paw, appraising it. Around her lay various tools and weapons, now damaged beyond repair after being tested against Twilight's Aurum. "Yes, very good," said Shealah, "Highly satisfactory. You have lived up to your reputation, Sparkle. And may I commend you for your attitude. Your cooperativeness has been a pleasant surprise."
Twilight gave a nervous laugh. "Yeah, well, the way I see it, the faster I can wrap up here, the faster I can go home."
"Precisely," said Shealah.
"Sooo... what now?" asked Twilight.
"Now you can get to work on these," said Shealah. She handed Twilight a few leaves of paper. Twilight shuffled through them. On the papers were some fairly simple designs for various blades. There were spearheads, yes, but also swords, arrow and bolt heads, and wing-blades.
"Aurum is strong but heavy," Twilight commented, "'Not good for wing blades."
"Regardless, that is what you will make," said Shealah, "You will make as many spear points as possible, and ten of everything else." She nodded to a pair of dogs behind her, and they began carrying into the room small bags, which ka-chinked as they were dropped to the floor. “That is the gold you will use.”
"Do you want ten wing-blades of ten pairs of wing blades?" asked Twilight.
"Ten pairs."
"Well, okay then!" said Twilight, "We'll get right on it."
"Excellent," said Shealah, "I'll leave you to it."
She turned and left. The doors closed, and the bolt fastened.
"Well," said Coals, "that went well. I'll get a head start on this gold; it looks like we've got a long road ahead of us."
"Yeah you do that," said Twilight, "I have to prepare some stuff."
Coals considered pursuing that line of conversation, but decided against it.
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Twilight finished horking down her boiled oats and set down her supper tray. "Okay, no sleeping tonight," she said.
Coals raised an eyebrow. "Do you have something else planned?" he asked.
"Yes I do," replied Twilight.
"Is it part of your 'idea'?" asked Coals.
"Perhaps," said Twilight, "Now listen. I need to spend the next few hours preparing a spell. Time is precious, so I need you to keep busy while I'm out. I've written out some instructions for you here." Twilight levitated a small novella of notes into Coals' hooves.
"When did you make these?" asked Coals, leafing through the pages.
"When you were asleep last night," said Twilight, "I think I'm still making up for my pseudo-coma, and I don't normally sleep that much, so I had some time on my hooves. Do you know where all those materials are?"
"Yes but... I have no idea what I'm doing here. I'm a smith, not an alchemist," he replied.
"Don't worry," said Twilight, "there's a lot of steps, but it's all fairly simple. Just do your best, and I'm sure you'll get it done just fine. Oh, and try to keep quiet; I need to concentrate, okay?"
"I'll... try my best," said Coals, adjusting his glasses as he poured over the first page.
"That's all I ask," said Twilight, "If the guards come in, just give me a shake and I'll give them an explanation. Good luck." And with that, Twilight sat back, closed her eyes, and slipped into a trance. Coals got to work. The instructions did turn out to be surprisingly easy. Step by step, page by page, he molded, ground, melted, fused, froze, re-melted, carved, and welded the metals, powders, and liquids. He formed components from them, and from those components, he formed the final product. After only a little more than two hours, Coals held in his hooves a sort of crystal dish, filled with a saline-based fluid. Floating in the liquid was a thin, black ring. A wire ran from the center of the bowl to a device on a nearby workbench, which Twilight had left pre-assembled for him. It had an unpronounceable name in the instructions she had left, but judging by the dials it sported it was clearly some kind of regulator. Coals sat there, admiring his handiwork, pondering the strange creation, and wondering about the final instruction that had been left for him: Place the completed crystal apparatus in front of Twilight. He had some idea what that meant. He carefully placed the bowl just in front of her front hooves. The instructions hadn't been very specific as to exactly how it should be placed, so he just made his best guess. Now, presumably, he just had to wait for Twilight to finish whatever she was doing. Coals walked over to his cot and sat down. Immediately he felt waves of fatigue wash over him. He was old, and it had been a long, hard day. An extra long day, in fact. He briefly fought the urge, but soon fell asleep.
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BLAM!
Coals woke with a start. Twilight sat where he had left her, coughing and waving away a cloud of smoke which hung around her.
"Damnit," she muttered, "That was really loud, wasn't it? I hope we didn't wake any of the dogs. We should play it safe; turn out the lamp."
Coals blew out the lamp beside his bed, and the room became filled with a soft bluish-white glow. He heard Twilight utter some panicked indecisives: "Uuuhhh." There was a rustling of canvas, and the light was extinguished.
Neither of them said anything. They waited a minute. Five minutes. Coals was just being to nod off again when the white light reappeared."
"Okay, come and see this!" Twilight hissed excitedly.
Coals rolled out of bed and walked towards Twilight. He found her sitting over the crystal bowl, which had been covered by a similar piece of crystal. The ring in the bowl, which had formerly been black, now emitted a soft glow.
Twilight punched his shoulder exuberantly. "Eh?!" she triumphantly exclaimed, "Nice work. I couldn't have done better myself."
Coals looked at the device, confused. "This is what we made?" he asked. Twilight raised an eyebrow and gave an 'ain't it impressive' nod. "What is it?" he asked.
"I call it a Magic Allocation and Storage Capacitor, or MAS Capacitor for short. It stores magic. I've had the design for a while, but I could never quite get it to work. Then, last night, I was lying in bed and I had a revelation of sorts; I'm sorry; it's too complicated to explain. I made a few tweeks to the design and... ta da!" Twilight said as she gestured at her accomplishment. "Here, look." Twilight levitated the small device on the other end of the wire, and twisted one of the dials on it. The dial clicked, and a subtle hum filled the air as the glow grew in brightness. Twilight waved a hoof over it, and looked towards Coals with wide eyes. "Feel it, it's warm," she said.
Coals hesitantly did as Twilight bade him to. "Yes, I feel it," he said, "Is it supposed to be like that?"
"Yes, don't worry," said Twilight, "It's just some harmless radiant energy overflow."
"Is this going to help us escape?" asked Coals.
"Yes, if everything goes according to plan," she replied, "Their bracelets make them immune to magic. In fact, we'll have to assume that everything past that door is magic-resistant, so what we need to do is to turn magic into physical force. We can hurt them with that."
"Okay," said Coals hesitantly, "I follow... so how are you planning to do that?"
"With this," said Twilight. She lifted her mattress and levitated a few sheets of paper towards Coals. He took them and began to consider the notes and illustrations they contained. He scratched his chin.
"Armor?" he inquired, "You will not get far in golden armor, especially in your state. Unless, that is, you plan on using your magic to push your own legs." He smiled at her humourously.
"Actually, that's just about what I had in mind," said Twilight, "Yes, gold is heavy, and a golden suit of armor would be difficult to move in, even with magic. But it does conduct magic very well. When I smelt Aurum, I should have enough control over the alloy's properties to tune it quite precisely. My hope is that I can tune it to respond to the output of this-" Twilight looked down at the glowing MAS Capacitor, "-and express the energy as torque."
"Well," said Coals, "I don't have any experience with that sort of thing, but I'll help you in any way I can."
"Thank you," said Twilight, "I'll need it." She yawned. Coals poked at one of the pages he held.
"It's bipedal," he said, confused, "and it looks like a mare's proportions. Are you making one or two of these?"
"We only have enough material to make one without them getting suspicious," said Twilight, "I thought it would be best if I don it, because I understand it better, and I've got some combat experience. I'll clear the way and you'll follow me. As for the two legs: if I'm not using magic, then I'll need some appendages to fight with. Thus, the bipedal design."
"I trust your judgement," said Coals, "but you don't look like too much of a fighter." He raised a questioning eyebrow.
"Yeah, well," said Twilight, "I haven't personally fought that much, but... I've been in fights, if you know what I mean."
"Okay, I'll take your word for it," replied Coals.
They sat there for a minute, basking in the subtly warming glow of their creation. Twilight yawned again: "Ugh... I'm tired. Let's get to bed."
Coals didn't need any persuading.
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Work was slow but steady. Coals spent his days forging swords and spearheads. He worked intentionally slowly, always appearing plausibly busy but producing at the slowest rate he felt would safely keep him within Shealah's patience.
"Best to minimise the fallout from this fiasco," Twilight had said.
Twilight Spent most of her days napping so that she could work on the armor at night, when the risk of being interrupted was lowest. She explained the nocturnal noise to Shealah by claiming that she just wanted to finish Shealah's blades as fast as possible. Shealah was clearly irked by the noise, and often appeared sleepy when they saw her, but her eagerness to have her arsenal completed as soon as possible led her to tolerate the racket. Twilight had also been practicing standing on two legs. After a few days of continuous practice, she became reasonably adept.
Piece by piece, the armor was completed. Twilight hid the glistening pieces in the furnace, under the glowing coals. This seemed like the most inspection-proof location she could think of, and she was fairly sure that the Aurum wouldn't be damaged by the prolonged heat. Eventually, after almost two weeks, the fateful day arrived when the armor was as complete as it reasonably could be made in the modestly-equipped cave. Or, more accurately, the fateful night. They had decided that a nighttime escape would be the safest plan. Best case scenario: the dogs would be asleep and they wouldn't have to fight at all. Worst case: they would at least get the jump on their captors. They had taken turns napping during the day, and they waited until a few hours after dinner to make their attempt. Coals claimed that he remembered the route to the surface from when he had been abducted.
"As I remember it," he said, "It just a straight shot. You'll go through a few rooms, but I don't think it's more than seventy feet."
Twilight stood, huffing nervously, trying to mentally ready herself. She shot him a nervous glance. "Are you sure?" she asked.
"Pretty sure," he answered.
Twilight hefted the golden face-plate that she had completed just last night. "How many of them are there?" she asked.
"I don't know," responded Coals, "Not too many, I hope."
"Me too," said Twilight. She looked at the pile of pieces that had been gathered from within the furnace. It was no longer a pile of metal: four acetylene tanks for their final escape were strapped to the rear-hoof gauntlets; several nasty alchemical concoctions dangled from the waist; lights had been affixed to the helmet; a makeshift bag filled with food and water lay beside it. The MAS Capacitor glowed brightly from it's place of prominence in the center of the chest piece. Twilight had poured as much magic as she could manage into it. The storage was somewhat inefficient, so it had taken her more than a week to fill it to capacity. She took a deep breath. "Alright," she said "Let's go."
She lit her horn, and piece by piece she she secured the armor to her body. Buttons were buttoned, bolts were fastened, and much duct-tape was used. After almost half an hour, and with an air of finality, Twilight fastened the face-plate to the back portion of her helmet.
Coals looked at her appraisingly. "Ready?" he asked.
Twilight lifted and flexed her limbs. She took a couple awkward steps; the armor whirred with every movement. Her motion was somewhat restricted, and it felt especially funny on two legs, but nevertheless she was pleasantly surprised by the way it had all come together. "As I'll ever be," she said.
She stepped toward the door. "Make some noise," she instructed Coals. He picked up a hammer and began loudly whacking an anvil.
Twilight braced herself against the door's frame, placing her front hooves where she imagined the bolt was. "Here goes nothing," she whispered. Twilight pushed. The armor's joins whirred, then stopped and strained. Twilight pushed harder, willing the armor's limbs to greater output. The metal of the door buckled, and the portal lurched open with a ping of the bolt snapping. Twilight kicked the door fully open, ready to confront whatever she faced. Nothing jumped at her. Twilight dimmed her lights and looked around.
A muffled voice spoke up: "Ugh, damn noise."
Twilight froze, and slowly looked down at her hooves to find a sleeping dog laying just inches from her. Twilight stood there, considering her options. She hadn't anticipated her captors being this off-guard.
I have to deal with this guy somehow; it's too risky leaving him here with the broken door... Maybe the most obvious option is the best.
Twilight knelt down and pressed a hoof against the dog's mouth. He immediately jumped awake. "ahmph..." he said, his paws shooting to his covered muzzle.
"Hi there," said Twilight, "Sleeping on the job? tsk, tsk. Stay quiet and stand up." She put her other arm around his chest as he rose, and shuffled him back into the workshop. "Coals," she said, "do we have any rope?"
Coals looked questioningly at the confused feldspar dog. "No," he said, "No rope."
"Hrm," said Twilight, "Well then, I guess I'll let you get back to your nap." She pushed the dog forward, took a step towards him, and struck his skull with a vicious blow. She thought she heard something crunch. He slumped to the ground. Coals eyed Twilight. She caught his expression. "Huh," she said, "maybe we should dial it down a bit." She grasped the regulator at her hip with her magic and turned it back a couple clicks. She turned and stomped out the door, closing it behind her. "Keep an eye on him," she said as she closed the door. Twilight slowly walked down the passage. It definitely seemed longer than seventy feet. She passed numerous offshoot passages, all of them receding into darkness, and soon came to a door blocking her way forward. There was light coming from underneath it, and she could hear mirthful laughter from beyond it.
Maybe it was one of the other tunnels? Do I have to go through here? Coals said the way was straight… I don’t have any reason to suspect any of the other tunnels, so I guess this is still my best option… maybe this won't be a cakewalk after all.
Twilight kicked down the door and filled the doorway. She looked down on half a dozen feldspar dogs, who had frozen in the middle of a poker game. They stared at her, some of them with drinks held halfway between the table and their mouths. "Hey," she said, "I found your pal sleeping back there. I woke him up, and now he's sleeping again. I think." The dog closest to her on her right shifted, then jumped. Twilight grabbed him by the neck and slammed his head against the table. He fell to the ground and didn't get up. "Now, there's two ways we can do this. You can all behave like your friend and end up under the table with him. That's option number one. Option number two is: you show me the way out of here, and then start running."
The dogs looked at each other, then back at her. One of them at the other end of the table stood, sidestepped, and flipped the table towards her. Twilight was ready. She punched forward, sundering the table in two with a deafening CRACK. A melee ensued. The dogs piled onto her, but Twilight's Aurum armor was even stronger than she had hoped, and just as impregnable. Dog by dog, limb by limb, she broke them.
"Bad doggies," she said as she dropped the last one of them. She looked towards the door opposite the one she had entered through. She trudged through it and opened it. Darkness and a cool breeze greeted her. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust, but soon stars appeared above her. She could recognise some of the mountains in the distance.
I must be in the Badlands.
She knelt to the ground and exhaled in relief; she hadn't realized how much she missed open sky and the familiar stars. Escaping hadn't been that hard at all; all she had to do now was go back and get Coals. She turned around. The thought of stepping back into that hole was suddenly nauseating to her, but she had to get Coals. She trudged back through the door, past the unmoving dogs, past the second door, through the dark passage, into the workshop. She pulled up her face-plate. "Okay, Coals, I found the exit. Time to go... Coals?"
Coals was gone. "Coa-" Twilight was shoved forward. She crashed face-first into the dirt. "Argh! What the?!" Her armor protected her body from injury, but the impact still hurt, and hurt unprotected nose felt broken. Twilight's eyes teared up with pain. Something grabbed her shoulder and turned her over. It was a foot. A paw. Twilight blinked the tears from her eyes to see the form of Shealah looking down at her. Behind her was a small feldspar dog; it looked like the one she had first encountered and left with Coals.
"Looking for someone?" asked Shealah, "Well, I may have found them." She raised her left paw, presenting to Twilight the severed head of Coals, spectacles and all. "Is this the one?" she asked mockingly. Twilight gasped in shock. Shealah's smile turned to a face of rage. "Miss Sparkle," she said through clenched teeth, "You have violated the terms of our agreement!"
"You bitch!" spat Twilight, "What have you done?!"
"Oh-ho, my dear Sparkle," said Shealah, "I am merely fulfilling the escape clause of our contract."
Twilight gasped in disbelief: "Your soldiers are hurt and you're making puns?!"
"Oh my," said Shealah with a cheeky smile, "I suppose I am." She kept her eyes on Twilight, but spoke to the dog behind her: "Give me your spear, and hold her down." He passed his weapon to her, and moved towards Twilight.
Twilight grted her teeth and blinked the last tears from her eyes. "I don't think so," she said. She levitated a corked beaker of liquid from her waist and hurled it towards Shealah, smashing it against her face. A ball of flame exploded from the point of impact, throwing Shealah back and the smaller dog forward onto Twilight. She threw him off and stood as quickly as she could manage. Shealah lay next to the door, holding her face and gasping. "You deserve much worse than that," said Twilight under her breath and she picked up the pack of food and water that she had planned on sharing with Coals. As she looked down she noticed that the light on her chest had faded; the charge was running low. She had to get out of here.
When Twilight finally made it into the night, she didn't look back. She wasn't yet ready to contemplate what had just occurred. Instead, she stood tall and yanked on a pin attached to her back. BOOM. A fire erupted beneath her feet, and Twilight was propelled far into the air. So far, so fast. She must have been propelled miles before she finally dropped to the ground with a gut-wrenching impact.
"Ugh," she winced, letting her arms fall to her sides. She was tired and sore, and tempted to fall asleep right then, half-buried in the sand.
No, I have to get moving.
She tried to lift herself, unsuccessfully. She looked down at her chestpiece. It's glow was almost nonexistent, it's charge almost completely depleted.
I have to get out of this armor.
The armor was a lot more difficult to get off then it was to get on, but with patience and some dextrous use of magic, Twilight eventually freed herself. It seemed strange to leave such a huge pile of what was essentially gold lying in the middle of the desert, but Twilight was too tired to care. She didn't really have a choice: she couldn’t carry it, and she couldn’t charge it fast enough to walk in it. She looked down at the faint blue circle in the chestpiece. She plucked it from it's place and held it close to her face, admiring it.
I think I'll keep you.
Twilight turned and started walking.
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Oh wow. I truly enjoyed this. I hope you continue it! It's hard to find a good Iron Man/MLP crossover nowadays and this one was one of the best I've read.
Other than my previous but severely miscommunicated, by my part, complaint about the lack of space between each paragraph, I really don't have much problem with it overall other than a few question.
How do you intend on expanding the story? Will it follow the Ironman storyline (movie/comic) with a few pony twist or will it be completely separated with a very few Ironman twist sprinkle in occasionally?
For what reason is Coal imprison alongside Twilight? There is almost no mention WHY he is imprisoned other than just BE there to die, kinda like Flash Sentry
Why Bipedal? I ask because it add more complexity than what is necessary for a escape plan and not to mention it is incompatible to pony bone structure, yes, it is possible for a pony to walk on two legs but it will be VERY awkward to do so simply because they are NOT build to do so constantly/normally. And what does the front legs do while she is doing her thing other than punching?
How does Twilight 'yank' something from her back?
Do you have a reliable editor? Cuz some of the part are a bit confusing like "Twilight fastened the face-plate to the back portion of her helmet", does that mean Twilight put the metal face/mask thingy, where she can see stuff, to the BACK of her head?
How long was Twilight imprisoned?
And now a question to the other commenter, do you see the same thing I see when you read the story, as in the lack of spacing between paragraph? Cus I tried to copy and past two paragraph from the story and when I did that, and there IS a spacing between the paragraph. Another thing I notice is the inconsistent spacing at the start of a paragraph.
Not bad so far. You do know you can type [ hr ] (no spaces)
instead of using the ~'s as a transition.
Overall, it's great. I'll probably wait until you complete it before I continue reading.
5260852 Sorry it took so long to reply, you asked a lot of questions and I needed some time to sit down and answer them.
(1) I have decided not to pursue this story; the community has not shown enough interest to make it worth the effort. However, my original plan was to make the story sort of a halfway point between Iron Man and MLP. I did take a peek at some other Iron Man crossovers, and was amazed to see that they all cast Rainbow as the Iron Mare. I think this is because they were taking Iron man and trying to squeeze it into a pony mold, as apposed to taking ponies and making an Iron Man story out of them. I was planning on a plot very loosely based on the first Iron Man movie.
(2) I hope that Coals didn't really seem like Flash Sentry to you. It's true that perhaps he was not absolutely necessary, and it's also true that it's generally a good idea to minimize the number of OCs in a story, but it's also true that every Iron Man story must have it's Yensen (sic?), and that's what Coals is.
(3) Bipedal makes more sense to me; bone structure be damned. Without magic, being a quadruped without any manipulators suddenly is very inconvenient. My head-canon (which I believe is affirmed by the actual canon) is that ponies are quite compatible with two-legged functioning.
(4) Magic.
(5) I'm just too metal for editing.
Iron Man had a face-plate which can be lifted, as well as static portion of the helmet which covers the non-face parts of the head. Sorry if that was unclear.
(6) I thought about two weeks, counting the time she was comatose. As for why nopony came looking for her... idk.
5260736 I'm glad you enjoyed it! That's the only praise I aim to achieve. Unfortunately, I can't spend dozens of hours writing something which only a few dozen people are interested in reading.
5267788
I don't actually mind Flash Sentry and Yensen, but the difference between them and Coal is that they have a REASON to be there. Yehsen is a brilliant scientist all on his own and Flash Sentry is a guard to the Crystal Empire. Coal? He is just there. I find that a reason, no matter how big or small, add more character no matter their significance. Most OC's at least have a REASON to exist, no matter whether they should exist in the first place.
Can you try explaining further on the manipulator thing, in which I believe magic can substitute? Also, have you tried walking on all four of your limbs? I mean both hand and feet (not knee) touching a even ground and try to just move from there, now imagine that keeping that posture in a hostile environment where hostiles WILL try their very best to MAIMED YOU.
Possible, yes, but it messes with your perception, awkward to do and completely different from what you usually do without extensive training, which is a very dumb thing to do or experiment in an active hostile environment.
Ironman is bipedal because he IS Bipedal. No matter how many different suits and functionality he make, the basic template is that it is Bipedal because that is what human like Tony Stark is build and comfortable for, and that is why Tony Stark build Ironman suit like a Bipedal. Ponies like Twilight, forcing herself to a suit build for bipedal, does NOT make sense.
I can accept that, although you should mention it in the story. I mean, when I read that passage, I thought Twilight just turn her head and yanks it with her mouth, then I realize she is bipedal now and can't reach her back.
The IDK thing is not a very good indicator of a good story. I seen and read most story who the author just do for the heck of it, most didn't even managed to finish it regardless of the quality or effort. Usually because they lack commitment or hit a road block. Most of the greatest story I HAVE read the author have a very very rough idea of a beginning, a middle and the end. It just refining it, clearing it and explaining it as well as the most important question of all, is it rational?
For example, this of the Mort takes a Holiday the author, long story short, makes a few chapter worth and find that he didn't like it because it would lead to something he didn't like or to something irrational where a reasonable-minded person find easy to resolve.
Only this time, you replace Rainbow Dash/Tony Stark with Twilight. You replace most of the beginning scene of Ironman with what you think are a pony equivalent. Not a very good indicator of a original idea if you ask me.
Try sticking to one-shot for practices and ideas. Whatever ideas you can think of, try writing it down and refining it and see how we will react. And maybe try sticking to MLP-FIM, cause its simpler to manipulate a story you want that way.
5268475 Coals does have to be different from Yensen, though he is still necessary. With Iron Man, Yensen does have to be very intelligent and skilled, because it requires some outside-the-box thinking to bury a magnet in a guy's chest. He also has to be technically skilled, because the Iron Man is very technically complex. Coals doesn't need to be as skilled. His main purpose for existing is to repair Twilight when she first arrives. He is also there to help Twilight, but the Iron Mare is almost entirely built around the ideas of Aurum and The MAS Capacitor, both of which Twilight can make by herself. Coals doesn't need to be a technician; he just needs to be a smith. As for the 'nopony comes looking for Twilight' problem: in a magical world, you can't really hide a high-profile person in a cave and not be found. So if you're going to make an Iron-Man/MLP crossover, at least one with the origin story as we know it, the options are either to make a story with a small plot-hole, or not write it at all. I chose the former. Believe me, I hate plot holes more than anyone I personally know, but we all have our tolerances; yours is evidently lower than mine.
Ponies do sometimes adopt a bipedal posture. It's not the default, but it doesn't seem to be uncomfortable. So the analogy of a human walking on on all fours isn't fair, because we humans never do that.
In order to make an Iron-Man story, your Tony Stark has to have the skills to make Iron Man. He does not necessarily have his particular personality; Iron Man can exist without it. That's why my use of Twilight is different from other people's use of Rainbow: although Rainbow does have an approximation of Tony's personality, she does not have his skills. The author has to change Rainbow to make the story possible. I, on the other hand, don't have to change Twilight at all. I can make her Iron Mare and just not have a protagonist with Tony's personality. It will be different, yes, but the character is the same one we all know and love, and thus the story seems more plausible and (hopefully) enjoyable.
5270997
People CAN walk on all four limbs, that does NOT necessarily means that we do it ALL the time. Babies in their first few years walk on all four limbs, granted they do use their knees, and Adult tend not to do so unless it is needed such as repairing or go into small places. The reason why we don't do it ALL the time because it tend to be uncomfortable if we do so for a long period of time
Ponies is the opposite, unless it is needed for a pony to go bipedal, they don't do so. Just because its not uncomfortable the first few moments doesn't mean it stays that way
But you do stated that it more or less follow the first Ironman movie, right?
Do you at least have a different idea for the middle and end? Because other than Ironman going on a rampage against their kidnapper, destroying weapons of war, uncovering conspiracy, a secret benevolent spy organization, a greedy and evil betraying mentor/friends and such that makes Ironman a good drama, its not much originality.
Its less of a plot-hole and more of a too-damn-obvious. I noticed it the FIRST time I read it, it tend to ruin the experience for me. I would at least appreciate it if the plot-hole is extremely subtle, or something else big enough to COVER it.
5271572 I did have a plan for the middle and end that was fairly different from the movie.
5272210
If you do feel strongly about this story, try writing about it, don't post it or anything, just write. While you do so, write about something else to post in fimfiction. Write something short, or a continuation of something else, whatever, as long as you write something other than what you want.
Try to listen to what other people will think of your story, try learning something from them. Heed, ignore or challenge whatever critism, do as you feel appropriate, as long as you learn something.
Then, you decide whether it is worth it to continue this story. If you continue, take what you learn and try to apply or rewrite whatever you written. If you don't, no great loss, continue to the next idea that pops into your head.
5272860 Thanks for the advice, and thanks for your feedback. I would continue to write this story if it was fun to write, but I didn't really enjoy writing it; it's a bit too serious. Of course, I'm keeping it here and on my computer in case I change my mind. I will continue to write. In fact, I'm already thinking of new ideas.
I would really like to see more of this.
6508016 Good! I think this story deserves more attention. I've been inspired in the past few days to finally write a second chapter, and I have a pretty good idea of a plot for it. You might end up editing it!