“...Huh" an Earth pony managed to mumble, "what the hay?” She weakly sat up and rubbed in her eyes in attempt to clear her fuzzy vision. “Where am I?” she asked to nopony in particular with her Trottingham accent. She stroked her long, ruffled, blonde hair out of her face with her aqua marine colored hoof and looked around.
She saw that she was sitting by a table and a room with mahogany stools neatly placed around a long wooden counter. Behind the counter were shelves stacked with several varieties of beers, wines, ciders and the like. Behind her were a few tables, much like the one she was sitting on, most of which were not clean. The room itself had a ceiling of an average height, the floor was coated with dark wooden planks. It also smelt a bit like alcohol. The only thing illuminating the room was the calm morning light peering through the glass windows.
“Finally, you’re awake.” somepony said, along with the sound of hoofsteps.
The mare looked behind her and saw a cherry red maned Earth pony with a beige coat walking towards her.
“Where are we?” the mare asked again.
“You’re in the bar. You drank too much, and then fell asleep. I couldn't wake you up, so I left you here.”
The Earth pony nodded and rubbed her face again. “Ugh, my head….”
“Say, who are you actually? I'm guessing you’re not from around here.” The unicorn asked.
“Me? I'm Com Hurri, the one and only, but most ponies call me Com. Who are you?” Com said while trying to ignore the throbbing pain in her head.
“I’m Roseluck. I own this place until Berry Punch gets better.” Rose said.
Com nodded. “Alright. Uh, can I get some water please? I feel like I'm gonna barf up something from Tartarus!”
“I can believe that” Rose walked through the almost deserted room, those two ponies being the only ones there, heading to the fridge. “You drank a lot yesterday.” she took a glass with a fancy design on it and a bottle of water. “Did you have something to celebrate?”
Com walked to the bar, and took a seat. “Well, yeah… kind of. I finally moved in and made some friends. So… I guess I was really excited.” she managed to gather her memories.
Rose smiled, “Good to hear that you found your way.” and gave Com a glass of cold water.
“Thanks.” Com said, and she drank the entire glass of water.
“So, who did you meet?” Rose luck asked to start a conversation, mildly intrigued that Com drank a whole glass of water in just one go.
“Pinkie Pie was the first one I bumped into...well, actually, she bumped into me.” Com explained.
“And she started to sing?” Rose asked smiling.
“Ha, yeah, and she shot confetti in my face. It was kinda fun, other than almost getting the confetti in my eyes.”
“Okay, so, did you meet anyone else too?” Rose asked curiously.
“Yeah. Even though I insisted I didn't want to, she immediately introduced me to her friends:" she tried to remember their names "Fluttershy, Rarity, Twilight, Applejack and...” Com started to smile brightly “...Rainbow Dash.”
“I hope she gave you some time to breathe” Rose asked.
Com tuned out Rose; her thoughts were somewhere else. For some reason, she couldn't stop thinking about yesterday--how she met Rainbow Dash...
Pinkie Pie dragged a reluctant Com to an open field. The field was a large expanse of warm green grass. Flowers dotted around here and there swayed with the autumn breeze like a group of hula dancers. Crisp leaves in the oak trees whispered quietly, metaphorically of course, among the busy birds.
“You absolutely posituvely have to meet her!” the pink pony of excitement exclaimed. "She’s the fastest flier in all of Equestria!”
“Pinkie, I don’t have time for this. I need to get started with unpacking my luggage.” Com complained. haha lol "com complained"
“Your luggage won’t run away, silly” Pinkie stopped at the middle of the field. “We’re here!”
Com looked around. “Ugh, Pinkie? I don’t see anypony.”
Pinkie Pie pointed at the sky. “Wait for it…” she paused for a few seconds.
Just as the agitated mare was about to leave Pinkie in her Pinkieness, Pinkie Pie yelled “RAINBOW DASH” as loud as she could.
Com covered her ears then uncovered them and turned back to Pinkie, but tilted her head to the sky when she heard something from above.
“'Whah!” came a voice from the clouds, clearly somewhat startled by the pink mare's loud yelling antic.
Right above her she saw a sky blue pegasus with a rainbow colored mane and tail falling from the sky. The bright sunlight surrounded the mare, which gave her a brilliant aura of pure adorableness. The wind blew her long, luscious mane backwards, so her determined magenta eyes were clear.
Com's mouth fell open of astonishment “Sweet Celestia…” she said under her breath.
Right before the cerulean pegasus hit the ground, she gave a few elegant wing beats and stopped her fall right above the two other mares. “What’s up?”
She’s like an angel that fell from the heavens..., Com thought.
Pinkie Pie smiled. “The world is round, silly. There is no up!”
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Of course there isn't.” she sarcastically remarked.
Pinkie Pie turned back to Com. “Com, I want you to meet one of my bestest of best friends: Rainbow Dash.” Pinkie turned to Dash “And Dashie, this here is my new friend Com Hurri! She just rolled into town.”
“Com Hurri, huh. Well, you better hurry if you ever plan on beating me at a race." Dash boasted "Nice to meet you.".
“I...euhm...Tha~..mmmm...” Com stammered and then cleared her throat. “Hi~!”
Dash smiled sheepishly. “You’re a shy one. You kinda remember me of Fluttershy. Know her?”
Com nodded her head. “Uh, yeah. Yes, I met her. She’s a nice gal.” She said. “But I’m not like that…”.
“Come on! You still have to meet Twilight!” Pinkie Pie grabbed Com's hoof and pulled her away.
“But...We just got here.” Com said.
“I thought you were in a hurry, Miss Hurri.” Pinkie asked with an innocent smile upon her muzzle.
“My luggage won’t run away.” Com smirked, and she turned to Rainbow Dash who was simply watching the ordeal. “You wanna come with us?”
Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Maybe some other time. I'm way busy with my weather duties today - I gotta finish that first.”
“But you'll come to the party this evening, right?” Pinkie Pie asked with hope.
"Of course I will.” Dash smiled, then lowered her voice slightly “But I really need to get back to work. Catch ya later you two!” she then turned around and flew away.
So glorious..., Com thought to herself.
“Come on slow poke!” rallied Pinkie. “We don’t have the whole day.”
“She’s kinda epic” Com said, still staring at the cloudy sky.
“Yep. She sure is!” Pinkie Pie agreed “She prefers ‘awesome’ actually”.
"Awesome...” Com nodded “she indeed is.”
“Hey! You still there?” Roseluck yelled.
Com woke up from her daydream. “Wha- huh- oh yeah, sorry. I was...I’ve got a headache. I’m sorry."
“Maybe it’s better if you go home now, and take it easy today. Take a nap, and you will be better tomorrow.” Rose suggested.
“Yeah...Yeah, that sounds good...”
YES,
5244658 hehe ever thought you would have your own story?
5244677
NOPE.
5244680 well... now you have!
5244683
THANK YOU.
5244691 you're welcome
Just take a good look at that sentence...
5245580 *braindead persone awakes from his sleep*
I see... words.... forming a sentence.... grammatically incorrect..... only mistake in the whole story.....
5245580 sorry... didn't meen to be rude.... I fixed it. what do you think now?
Rule #1 of writing: Capitalize your title properly.
5245618 Holy shit, lol! That was actually a funny response. As for the fixing it thing... No. I still see something wrong with it. But considering I'm the only person who commented on it, I doubt many people have or will read it so it's really no problem. You say it's the only probem in the story? I guess I should actually read the story now to find out. 1221
Punctuation does not go after the quotation marks. It goes before, so you would end it with, "What the hay?" Also, I think if huh is an interjection, it would be it's own sentence and not have a comma afterwards.
Missing oxford comma
I'm really not sure how to put into words what is wrong with this one... Well first, you may want to replace 'She saw she was sat' to 'She saw that she was sitting'. Next, 'room with mahogany stools, some were crooked and dented, neatly placed around a long wooden counter.' Well... This is actually a problem I've found a lot with many of my stories, and I'm not sure how to best fix it. What I usually do is remove the unnecessary detail if I can't make it look neat and proper.
Hmm... I'm not sure if the rule of this one is called Direct Address or restating your appositives. Whatever the title, this is how the sentence should be appropriately spelled. 'Behind her were a few tables, much like the one she was sitting on, most of which were not clean.'
I don't have time to read further right now, I'll get back to this maybe. Later!
5245720
Fahk. That's my bad. xD I edited this story...and I'm also the main character of the story. Mwuhahaha. I'll go fix it in Google docs and then tell whatshisface to put it in.
5244696
YO DEREC GUY GO CHANGE THE FIRST CHAPTER TO THIS: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1I4Rg5O0426cZPPJ9gfCGZ7wCxZ7_XbUYgFYWf3oTNpg/edit?usp=sharing
YAH JUST COPY AND PASTE LIKE LAST TIME
USING PRIVATE MESSAGES TAKE TOO MUCH EFFORT WHEN THEY'RE GLITCHING SLIGHTLY WELL IDK LOL I M NOT DRUNK I SWE\R
5245668 YAY, you read it. I will fix it,
5245659 also the capitalisation
(thanks for the feedback. I really appriciate it)
5246904 OKAY....
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE DRUNK!!! i JUST THINK YOU AREN'T SOBER.....
5247079
Oh and in the story's long description can you put this please:
5246885 whatshisface? thank you....
5247112
5247175
5247183
HI
5247417 oh my god.... that's big....
5247421
How about this:
poo
5247427 so big.... I can't even read it....
5247430
You know what else is big?
5247515 your ego?
5247518
Exactly. I have taught you well.
5247539 I don't learn.... I know...
5247544
But I know everything.
5247546 you have knowledge... I have wisdom
5247549
And I also have swag and class. Seriously though, people at my school say I'm posh and classy. then I'm like "Er, kay"
5247561 I'm the one with the jokes and mojo... the little know it all... you know... the one with just a few friends, but good friends...
but yeah.... you are poch and classy
5247569
I am everypony combined. I have multiple personality disorder. #2swag4u
5247574 I belief that.... because I don't use the word 'swag'
really, Mojo is way better...
5247583
Mojo Jojo
5247594 that's what everybody says! but I actually use it from austin powers and the 80's...
remember those rollerskating hiphoppers with afros?
5247596 31.media.tumblr.com/b7910e9af7213fae216be50ab80bf8d3/tumblr_mp26sukZ8Q1rjx7h0o5_400.gif
5247596
I HAVE A FUCKING POWER PUFF GIRLS BED COVER!
5247599 me when I have one of my CD's on
5247601 I adore you at moments like these...
5247604
Why thank you.
5247611
5247616
So...
5247645 ... if you like pina colada...
5247655
Nah
5247683 it's a song
5247687
Ah.
5247705 like it?
5247708
Nah
5247715 ... I like it...