• Member Since 26th Oct, 2014
  • offline last seen Nov 21st, 2014

Chrysalis the Drainheart


A new writer, and these stories are my first attempts to improve my talents. I've picked an ambitios project to start with, so I'm hoping it goes okay.

T

On the surface, Equestria is a land of peace and prosperity. A land without rival, a land without strife, existing in a state of peace for 1000 years, but things are more than they seem. For all the things that Equestria has done, a price has been payed, and for it's prosperity and peace, the price was far higher than any in Equestria could ever have known. This story follows the exploits of Midnight Rush, a young Knight as he seeks to overturn the secrets that cripple his homeland, and find a way to save it from the disasters to come.

(To those that are wondering about my ratings, I'm honestly new to this, this is my very first story, so I wasn't sure how to rate it too well. Hopefully as the story takes shape a little more, I can make it more appropriate.)

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 6 )

"Hi, I'm a mysterious stranger from nowhere you've ever heard of, and I wear super-badass armor that's unlike anything you've ever seen. It would be a real burden for any ordinary pony, but I manage it with ease. Also, lots of things that you know about something basic and part of your everyday life are wrong and I'm here to school you. In this case, the basic thing is your home, the land of Equestria, but later on it very well could be -- and probably will be -- something else. Oh, and did I mention my name has the word 'night' in it and my eyes are red?"

These are all warning signs of a Gary Stu character.

a passing apple cart being hauled by a big red gelding

Either you're saying that someone has chopped Big Mac's balls off -- which is something that would definitely need to be explained in the story -- or you're using a word without knowing what it really means. Which is it?

We'll just have to see, won't we? Like I said, I'm not exactly used to writing, but I've always liked to make up random stories. I'm just trying something new. As for the Gary Stu thing, I don't think you know what that term means. To the best of my knowledge, which I'll admit is limited, nothing I stated about Midnight qualifies as him being an overly perfect character, which is what the term stands for, not just different our out of the ordinary. What you've described would be more of a cliche, than a Gary Stu, ...which is still something for me to keep an eye on, I'll admit.

5191581

Either you're saying that someone has chopped Big Mac's balls off -- which is something that would definitely need to be explained in the story -- or you're using a word without knowing what it really means. Which is it?

It's my head canon that Big Mac is a unich.

5191620

As for the Gary Stu thing, I don't think you know what that term means

Your character reeks of special snowflake syndrome. Its common among Gary Stus. Since it's your first attempt at writing, I'd say this is probably true. Nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone tends to make their first OC bland and perfect while trying to be edgy. It takes practice to develop and actual character.

5192762 Okay, this is what I want to know, how can a character reek of anything one chapter in? You barely know anything about the story I'm setting up, yet I've already apparently got the stigma of a Gary Stu when there's next to no info on the character yet...did I really need to do a history dump in the first freaking chapter to avoid this? And it's not just you guys either, that's why I'm asking, you are just the ones that commented.

5193145

how can a character reek of anything one chapter in?

- Because you've already gone to great pains to establish how special he is.
- Because he's already shown many characteristics of bad OCs, most of whom are in Gary Stu territory, which is why I said they were warning signs in the first place. (I do know what I'm talking about, thank you very much.)
- Because such things can be established in the span of a single paragraph.

You barely know anything about the story I'm setting up

Doesn't matter. I know that your character is special. The constant wearing (and concealing) of hot, heavy armor even under ordinary, non-combat circumstances? These are not the actions of an ordinary being; these are the actions of a D&D character or a special snowflake. This says, "I am edgy, I am a badass, I want you to be in awe of me."

I'm guessing that you don't want him vulnerable to surprise attacks, or whatever, but... he's a unicorn, right? Unicorns are known for their magic, not for their physical strength. I'd have an easier time accepting an enchanted object (a horn ring, a torc around his neck, a bracelet) that automatically whips up a force bubble at any sign of a threat. Or if it has to be armor, have him walk around without it, then summon it in a split second when he needs it; he keeps it in the astral plane or something, I don't know. And either reduce the weight (which magical materials are great for) or have him actually be a little awkward when he does put it on, either one is fine. Just don't have him act like stomping around in battleship plate covered by a tent 24/7 is a normal thing to do.

The best part about having a shielding artifact or disappearing armor? One can walk around without looking like a total freak and actually blend in.

did I really need to do a history dump in the first freaking chapter to avoid this?

No, that would make things even worse.

P.S. You still haven't addressed the awkward topic of Big Mac's castration.

5193285 Thank you, a lot of that info was highly enlightening to what you were talking about, I appreciate the input, and will try to fix said things as I go along...or at least try to give good reasoning behind decisions. It's my first story, so the way I figure I should do this, is find out all the mistakes I make super quick, and try to fix them and learn from them as I go. As for the "Gelding" Incident...it never happened, cuz yes, it was a term I misused. It's already been edited out, and let us never speak of it again, lol!

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!