Chapter 2: Maybe It Was The Sushi I Ate?
Here’s the thing about waking up in the future — you never quite know what to expect. For most people when they wake up from cryostasis, they might find themselves on a spaceship with major systems failing. Perhaps they accidentally got frozen while delivering pizza and come out into a wide, sprawling futuristic community. Maybe, if they’re really unlucky, they could accidentally wake up in some modern dystopia where everything is controlled by tight lipped senators.
The one thing in common with all of these scenarios is that there would still be humans.
David was not expecting a unicorn.
Conversely, he was expecting his medical overseer. No matter how incompetent that doctor sounded, David was confident that he was at least partially enthusiastic about completing the project.
David was really not expecting a unicorn.
David was not exactly an average person, insomuch as the doctor had claimed. He was simply normal. Normal to the point that someone would think, ‘if he wore a red shirt I would probably be sad for about ten seconds of on-screen time.’ David was a pretty non-average person because he was so normal he was bland. Then again, following a series of interesting events surrounding an uninteresting person makes that person an interesting person indeed. Stuck in the struggles of the medium to low income bracket, he slaved away working as a handyman at several medical research institutes until he unwittingly signed a contract that got him on a better payroll.
What should have tipped him off about this ‘opportunity’, as the sleazy salesman-type recruiter had pitched to him, was that David was only required to eat well, exercise and be on call when they needed him for a clinical trial.
When one thinks of clinical trials the mind gravitates to the development of world-class drugs, new diagnostic testing or possibly new and innovative therapies.
Not being frozen in a cryogenic stasis pod.
David received the notice via sms:
David, 2day is ur lucky day!
The Institute 4 Cryogenic Research & Development has selected u 4 a clinical trial!
Report tomorrow @ 7 AM 4 a $ 50 reimbursement @ end of trial.
Mr. Johnson, CEO
That REALLY should have tipped him off.
Waking up from cryo-sleep was a shocking experience. After melting all the microscopic ice particles in David’s bloodstream via the reversal of whatever preservative was injected to prevent those crystals from killing all his cells, adrenaline followed to prime his heart followed by about two thousand volts to depolarise the big ol’ circulatory muscle and get it beating again.
The cool thing about this procedure was that it was worked akin to kicking a drunk, almost passed out college student and hoping they would wake up. In most cases, you’ll get an uncooperative grunt and they’ll go back to sleep, but every now and again you might get a more interesting response—yelling and screaming perhaps, or a funny line before collapsing back to dreamland.
When David regained consciousness for the first time, it felt like he’d had the biggest hangover since… well since ever. He wasn’t much of a drinker so his frame of reference was limited to the few times he’d actually been smashed out of his mind—rush week freshman year stood out as one such time. Confused and disoriented, he looked to the right and recoiled from the extremely bright light which he assumed came from the surgical theatre lamps. To his left were books and shelves. Lots of books and shelves.
Blinking, he shifted his gaze upward as something purple, black and pink drifted into view.
It resolved itself more distinctly as... well… David thought the drugs would have worn off by now. His sluggish brain sparked dully as the gears began to turn and he tried to process the onrush of information. His brain decided that ten-thousand years of napping wasn’t quite enough and gave up on the spot. The body’s union then fired up its defenses to protect it against a lawsuit from the gut company—which was complaining that David hadn’t used the facilities before he embarked on this experiment. The stress was beginning to take its toll.
The gut system was overruled because the brain owned the union and it was a dictatorship. Later, when the immune system finally got sick of slaving away at below minimum wage and decided to declare war on everything, the revolution that resulted from the overactive destruction of cancerous insurgents hanging around David’s legs served to alleviate the latent intent of the cancer in destroying his whole body which was inadvertently thwarted in the immunosuppressive coup. Shocked at the development, the body finally accepted a democracy at David’s tender age of ninety eight, brooking a new age of peace and prosperity.
Only one year later, David succumbed to old age and passed away peacefully—though, he was never quite sure why he felt so much at peace during his last year of life. It just goes to show that inner peace was just as important as outer peace. Whatever that meant.
In light of this, David recalled the only thing that came to mind when he saw the purple equine-shaped creature studying him.
“You’re not my doctor.”
As David sunk back down, fairly pleased with himself that he was able to initiate verbal communication at all, he spotted a faint outline of a symbol on the side of his cryo-chamber. He didn’t spend much time processing it before collapsing into a deep state of unconsciousness.
——
The best way to incite argument is to throw a controversial idea among your fellow species and then ask for a ‘discussion.’
Discussions were a misnomer. With a hot topic such as a relic preserving a live being from millennia ago, it would undoubtedly bring the religious ones, the scholarly ones, the political ones, the excited ones, the angry ones, the hopeful ones, the crazy ones and of course, the rich ones in droves.
The Gorlians had long ago abandoned politics. As long as it didn’t affect them, other Gorlians could do whatever they wanted. Some of them liked to spy on other planets to see if the native lifeforms had evolved to a point where an interesting dialog could begin. It just so happened that they were curiously checking up on the planet where those crazy ape-like people lived. Hopeful that there had been some progress, they spotted the equine-like creatures and found that the humans had moved on.
This caused some measure of panic.
Some Gorlians immediately hopped in their battlecruisers to ‘contain’ the infestation. The others stayed behind to observe these new, interestingly peaceful creatures. What they found, they liked, even if these equines were ridiculous from time to time. They didn’t initiate First Contact though, as they were leery of what their projections showed.
Meanwhile, Twilight was having fun talking to the cryogenics unit.
Now that supporting a human wasn’t on its list of things to do, the pod could now speak to occupants in the room. It didn’t like speaking to the doctor, who was mostly wasted in a perpetual state of drunkenness owing to his self-prescribed dosing of Fosters. It also thought David was boring. All he did was talk about work, relationships and the weather—the three most boring topics in the known universe.
All that aside, whirring to life it immediately spotted the purple equine-shaped creature and proceeded to have a stimulating conversation with it.
“Hello,” it began using standard contact protocols in English. It didn’t know whether or not the horned equine could answer, but by golly it would try! “My designation is Cryo-stasis Pod One, version zero point zero zero one five, but you can call me Cry-pod.”
Twilight gaped at the box when it seemed to be talking to her. “Uhm, what?” she garbled incoherently.
“I’m glad you speak English,” Cry-pod continued. “I was getting worried that there would be some sort of communication barrier that would undoubtedly hinder our interaction.”
Twilight cocked her head. “Yes…” was all she could say. What? You try talking to a box!
The Cry-pod continued its buzzing and beeping, potentially assessing the likelihood of further conversation. The probability was decreasing by a factor of ten with every twenty seconds of silence.
“What is your designation?”
Twilight put a hoof to her head. Was it asking for her name? Quite possibly. She gathered herself up and composed her thoughts.
“Ahem, my name is Twilight Sparkle-“
“Hello, Ahemmynameistwilightsparkle”
“Wha- no, I’m saying my name is-“
“Relax, Twilight Sparkle. I am merely trying to interject humour. This was a popular format in my recorded human plays, although it may not translate to alien organisms.” The Cry-pod paused. “Was it humorous?”
Twilight took a deep breath forcing herself to relax the tense muscles down her neck.
“Perhaps we could discuss humour later? You might want to talk to my friend Pink-“
“What is your age?”
Twilight gaped at the ornately decorated device. “I’m sorry, what?”
The Cry-pod paused.
“My apologies, I was reviewing the human interactions manual and I had not reached the section on conversation pauses.”
It paused again.
“I think I’m doing quite well.”
Twilight let loose something between a scream and a grunt. “Okay, ‘Cry-pod’, I have a feeling you will be dictating the conversation so why don’t you go first with your question, end, and let me respond until I finish and then continue as such. I think that would promote the most efficient method of communication.” Twilight crossed her forelimbs in front of her chest as she sat down on her haunches.
The machine stayed quiet for some time.
Twilight began to worry.
“H-Hello?”
The Cry-pod immediately responded.
“Once again, my apologies, I have taken the time to write another manual for these series of interactions, hopefully it will prevent utter destruction and chaos!”
The Cry-pod was silent for a moment more.
“I appear to have a heating problem. Dissipating heat now.”
Twilight cocked her head, curious.
“AHHHHHH!” a voice echoed from within the chamber. Twilight’s eyes widened as she hurried to peer in.
“WARNING: Subjects should not be present in capsule while venting is in progress.”
“Ah! Ow! Hot! What?! How?!” the biped screamed hoarsely as it leapt out of the capsule. Twilight could only stare in disbelief as it staggered around a few steps and collapsed in front of her hooves.
“What in the world?” Twilight reared back, gobsmacked.
No war for you.
Also, this story is already apparently more popular than Synch, judging by its appearance in the popular stories list, which I don't recall happening to Synch (although I wasn't much paying attention).
5154614 I don't think Synch ever made it to Popular stories, I keep track of these things but I think I should concentrate more on writing stories and making sure everyone (including myself) enjoy the stories than worry whether it gets into the popular stories list or the feature box... although I will admit that it would make me happy if I actually found out.
EDIT: I also have no idea how the feature box algorithms work. It's a little strange like that.
i.imgur.com/JjpNU6f.png
Mr Johnson?
As in CAVE Johnson?
...
Caroline?
GLadOS?
Uhhhh....why is the cryopod torturing its occupant? And if he has woken up, why hasn't it expelled its occupant?
So I just recently started reading Life, The Universe, and Everything. Let me tell you, I can really see the similarities in hours and Mr. Adams's styles. I love this and everything it represents.
This story is looking good, you can relax.
TEN THOUSAND YEARS Will give you such a crick in the neck!
Goddamn, this is awesome!
I label this Idea as original, and await further material. I can see by my records that in ancient times the simple term used was "MOAR"
Chik- chik *points shotgun* moar
Or perhaps they accidentally got frozen while delivering pizza and came out into a wide, sprawling futuristic community. I-period-C-period-Wiener.
cdn.four.co.nz/tv/AM/2011/6/14/71762/futurama_nibbler.jpg?width=300
5155461
Yeah, this really reminds me of Adam's writing style, glad someone else picked up on that.
For some reason, there's this thing about the way this is written that I just can't put my finger on.
Whatever it is, it's making the currently slow progression of the plot seem infinitely better than it would actually be in reality.
5156041 HOW HAS THAT BEEN SITTING THERE FOR SO LONG WITHOUT ME NOTICING IT?!
Oh and thanks. Fixed.
5156168 That... that makes a lot of sense, actually.
Idiocracy AND Hitchhiker style of humor? Count me in!
5156167 A long-long time.
Does he have a towel?
Please keep writing this!
Does he have a towel?
Please keep writing this!
The second chapter had me scratching my head a bit but the story is a bit funny...
5154626
Speaking of which, you made it to the feature box proper.
And to partially answer your question, the top 7 places in the feature box are for new stories that are too popular for the popular stories list, and the bottom 3 are for stories that have gotten to the feature box before but climb back in due to increased/returned readership, usually from a new chapter.
Well, this looks promising. I look forward to more.
5156875 Nice, I thought it was a heavy dose of ectoplasm and ancient demon spells that kept the feature box running, good to know it has some logic behind it.
And yet nobody in Australia was even the slightest bit excited to have developed a functionally intelligent computer. Fuck that noise, let's bury it along with our astonishing medical breakthroughs.
On the plus side, that did mean more funding for research into the effects of having a popular fast food franchise right next door to a lot of very drunk and unemployed scientists.
WHAT!!! An Equestria-is-future-Earth story!? HERESY!!!
I must flame it to death before it-
-..oh. Carry on then!
$50!!!!
Holy crap! Sign me up!
5156939 Nah, it has to do with blackmail and bribery. (like how the government 'works')
The Cry-pod and my brilliant computer H.E.L.I.C.S. sound like they'd get along splendidly!
Yes... they'd get along real good. Stupid jerk computers.
o.0 Portal 2
Definitely a fic worthy of being Featured, unlike the vast majority of garbage in there all the time.
Faved and liked.
the description makes me think futurama, the title makes me think idiocracy......I'm not sure which seems like the better notion here. Will read then come back
Edit: Ok, I'm keeping an eye on this one.
Hm. Somewhat interesting story so far, but I think that's it's a bit much to drag an ancient alien race and a semi-intelligent cryopod into the situation.
In the first chapter you referenced "Meet the Medic" and here you referenced Portal. This is just the start and you've already referenced 2 Valve games. You've learned well.
5158077 The story is mainly focused on its portrayal of the absurdity that is our current focus on research and development. While things that so desperately require a cure, such as cancer, HIV, MS, etc. and also need support, we seem focused on producing machines that can talk and lengthening our already long lives (although I'm all in favour of that, but what's the point if you'll succumb to cancer later on?). The aliens are just observing (the side story is a simulation) and not interacting. This story requires some measure of suspension of disbelief so that you can focus on the underlying message.
If there were things that were more of stretch it would probably be:
1. How is anything still operational after a nuclear winter, ten thousand years of weathering and damage by natives and several rough incorporations into architectural structures?
2. How David could possibly survive without some sort of external feed mechanisms providing additional plasma and fluids necessary while also providing immense power for cooling.
3. Why humanity completely abandoned a planet because some humans would stay behind, we're stubborn like that.
4. Why they would bulldoze over a medical facility for a fast food chain for no reason, just as they were on the verge of curing cancer... etc...
5. Why aliens would be interested in just spying on other alien races... actually that's probably plausible, wouldn't want to cause an interspecies war without good intel.
Yep, there are quite a few 'plot holes' in this story as I'm well aware. Perhaps there could have been a way to execute it without encountering this and still maintain the levels of absurdity that makes it hyperbolic comedy, but I could not think of a particular way at this time, sorry. I just thought that the starting premise had that tone pat down enough so that it was obvious.
If it is too unbelievable then... Maybe you have a suggestion to make it less?
Anyway, thanks for your feedback and sorry if it didn't meet expectations.
I guess I'm okay with the past absurdities, because we only see a top down view of things, not the intricacies of humanity that might have resulted in such things.
Number 1 is the only real thing I'd be concerned about, but you've just told us that it worked, so I was going to go with the flow on that.
With regard to #2, I'm just going to assume absurdly good tech and luck, given #1.
On the matter of #3, it seems plausible that if there were a fraction of us left on a burnt out world that we might die out or at least shrink to the minimum sustainable population and perhaps never re-emerge as a global civilization, etc because we lacked the resources and/or b/c the environmental pressure to survive was too high for much growth. That is, maybe there is a human civilization somewhere on the planet, but it's isolated and kind of a dead-end. Maybe it wouldn't even attract the attention of the alien race or maybe they moved underground. -- Basically, being an insignificant and largely unnoticed portion of the planet's ecosystem doesn't seem entirely implausible.
As to #4, perhaps someone else cured cancer or the matter of curing cancer became irrelevant by some other means. Perhaps it is was illicit research and so was not admissible in society and/or no one knew about. Strict enforcement of laws might have prompted immediate dissolution and either the destruction or classification of data. Besides, who knows what other experiments they were performing on human subjects.
5. Maybe, but why are they even considering interstellar war to begin with?
I just feel like this could be a story unto itself, without having to draw in an ancient alien race and an intelligent cryo-pod, because there's plenty of material as is without bringing in those things. Perhaps it could be about first (and maybe last...) contact with another species. The angle that Equestria was once Earth (or some spot on Earth) also present some interesting conversation topics and could lead to a story where Twilight becomes interested in searching for artifacts of humanity. What exactly did you want the story to be about?
I could probably come up with serious suggestions, but that's really the author's job or maybe the editor's of which I am neither.
I guess I see that there could be absurdities at the sort of cosmic level (or at least observable from there), without needing to be noticed at the local level. In the case of Douglas Adams' 'Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' there's really no need for anyone else on Earth to know about their planet being scheduled for demolition to make way for the construction of an inter-stellar highway. From a top-down level it's an absurdity, but at each of the lower levels independently nothing need be out of the ordinary. Everyone on Earth is going about their regular lives and the planetary demolition crews is no doubt preparing for what amount to regular galactic infrastructure construction. It's bothersome to Arthur Dent precisely because he has made aware of the two separate realities.
Ha-Ha! Venting Problems.
Also, anything to do with Fashion should be added to that list of boring subjects.
Ha-Ha! Venting Problems.
Also, anything to do with Fashion should be added to that list of boring subjects.
5158334 On #3 in response, they're not considering it, they're just careful about it, hence the simulation. Although, if I have to explain why the Gorlians choose to do things a particular way, it kind of kills the magic. The Gorlians were more a vehicle for me to push the perspective out towards a 'cosmic perspective', as you have termed it. True, I could have done it without them, I simply thought it would be more humorous this way to express this. I never intended to keep the Gorlians in for more than a couple of chapters anyway, they just serve the purpose of an 'overwatch' commentary.
The link to the side plot with the simulation was purely for fun, though, so forgive me for that.
As for future plans with this story, I don't like to reveal plot before I release another chapter, although I am definitely going to draw parallels between cultures which will end up with hopefully delivering ironic commentary on the differences between Equestrian and human society.
Some parts of the story were implemented not so that they could be practical to the plot, but more so to contribute to the relative tone of the piece. As for the Cry-pod, I was hoping that its existence was throw up some very interesting questions when David is finally awake to interact with it. In the original conception I thought of introducing a long-abandoned robot excavated in some ruins, but I went for the Cry-pod to simplify execution. I had imagined a very humorous scene where there would be a three way dialogue between Twilight, David and a machine.
Then again, I'm still a novice writer, so my reasons may not be justified at all. Oh well, hopefully things will improve in the next iteration. That's what practice is for!
EDIT: Unfortunately, I have no editor or proofreader so I probably peeved some people off with my poor grammar and wording.
5158822 Yeeeeep.
Well, I love HiE.
And I love parodies of the genre.
And I also love humour.
Keep writing!
SOMEONE GET THAT MAN A REFRESHING GLASS OF SUNNY D! he's been asleep too long...
I pretty much lost interest when "Cry-pod" started talking. I had already seen that this was shaping up to be silly, but that's just too random for me.
Good luck with people who are more into this sort of thing, I guess.
5159346
What the hell are you talking about!? He's a bloody Auzzie, he needs beer, lamingtons and freaking kangaroos!
sounds a lot like the movie idiocracy
5159712 cold drink to cool his body down... it also has vitaminz! im surprised he even lasted that long to be honest... he's been in cryostasis for a few million years
5159367 I'm sorry that some people have that reaction to Cry-pod. I mean, what sci-fi isn't complete without machine-human-pony interaction?! Oh well, I guess that sort of silly interjection is not really for everyone...
Perhaps I could interest you in a 'Random' tag?
5160273 I think the "Random" tag is definitely warranted for this story judging by the first two chapters.
... and if that was a serious question, I would like to introduce you to Days of Wasp and Spider.
5160331 Ahah yes, a classic. No this is definitely much less serious than that and more of a parody playing on the genre.
....
Ah dunno.
Chapter 1 worked. You could "free verse," because you needed to make something from nothing. And I was overjoyed-!!! Your creativity and humor blew away all expectations. I was eager to discover how the Author could spin the HiE-genre.
Then, Chapter 2 copied its predecessor. So... it was okay-meh? Twilight conversing with a box just felt underwhelming.
*shrugs*
Whatevs, I'll still "thumbs up."