• Published 16th Oct 2014
  • 21,013 Views, 1,119 Comments

Poniocracy - sunnypack



Cryogenics was a pretty cool concept until we forgot about it and buried it. So sorry you're going to be woken up ten thousand years in the future... Give or take a few thousand.

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7 - You Boron, You Make Me Look Like Einsteinium

Chapter 7: You Boron, You Make Me Look Like Einsteinium

Mental health had never been high on the list of priorities for the Equestrian Health Department. In the two years preceding David's return to consciousness, the EHD board made several recommendations to budget allocations, but as ponies increased in number and healthcare was modernised in and around the capital, outlying areas lagged further behind. They were still using wooden healing charms in the Crystal Empire at a time when everypony in Canterlot knew healing crystals were the only way to go. The number of ponies staffing the hospitals and getting sorely needed medical training was also on a rapid decline.

The EHD board re-prioritised the needs of Equestria, changing the healthcare landscape drastically. In a land full of monsters, spells and curses along with fast-flying pegasi that think they're invincible, mental health problems seemed insignificant in comparison. The EHD made a recommendation following the return of Nightmare Moon incident:

"The Equestrian Health Department board, in conjunction with the Equestrian Ethics and Safety Committee, has decided to reallocate current funding from the Equestrian Mental Health Institution, the Equestrian Psychologists Association and the Equine Cancer Council, in order to institute a monthly retainer for the express purpose of providing a subsidy for Homely Hayburger's new salad menu.

We are committed to providing excellence in healthcare and safety for all Equestrians within Equestria. We have come to this decision based on evidence that magical exposure will eventually solve all mental health issues anyway. Recent ruling in the Supreme Court has brought forward incontrovertible proof that Twilight Sparkle and Friendship magic can resolve any social issue. If you have any mental health issues, clearly you just need to get some friends.

Furthermore, cancer doesn’t exist.”

------

After Twilight gave him a brief rundown of the day's events, David was understandably not a happy human.

“So let me get this straight. I was in that box for thousands of years? Everyone I know and love died a long, long time ago?” He crossed his arms and gave Twilight a steely stare.

Twilight bit her lip and slowly nodded. “At least that’s as far as I have gathered. We don't have records of any humans since… ever. We don't have any records at all. Your species doesn't exist as far as we know.”

“How do I know that this whole thing isn’t a delusion and I’m not currently in a hospital suffering an admittedly realistic hallucination?”

“I’m not a hallucination!” Twilight snapped impatiently. She took a calming breath. “At least, how do you know it’s not a hallucination?”

David folded his arms and scratched his ear. “Gee, I don’t know, maybe it’s the fact that I’m talking to a purple unicorn!” He brought both his hands to his face and gave it a good scrub. “This is insane. I’m arguing with a unicorn.”

Twilight stomped a hoof in frustration. “And I’m arguing with an impossible h-human!” Silence followed. David stared out of the window, glaring at the rainbow coloured ponies going about their business below. Overhead, the sun shined brightly, bathing the capital city of Equestria in a warm glow that brought out the teeming life that flourished in the kingdom surrounding the castle.

He put his head against the pane of glass taking note of its coolness. The warmth of the sunlight shone through, reflecting off the smooth wood that made up the frame. It all felt real, so real. The honeymoon period of his denial began to lose its grip as he realised that he had just casually greeted the most powerful figure in this so-called country and then asked for directions to her toilet.

He felt something beginning to rise within him. At first he shook. Twilight noticed the movement and took a hoof step forward. The shaking became a low growling cough. Twilight chose to take a step back regarding David with a measure of caution. The cough turned into full-blown laughter.

“Ha, ha ha!” David chortled. “Ha! HA HA HA!”

Twilight gave David a look that one usually reserved for the mentally deranged. Then again, all the things that David had so far demonstrated had not provided evidence to the contrary. Meanwhile, David laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. He laughed until he cried. He laughed until he choked. He laughed until it hurt and then he laughed some more.

Finally, after five minutes of solid laughter, David gathered himself, wiping away his tears. He realised he was kneeling on the ground and gave Twilight a broken smile.

“Sorry about that,” he croaked as more tears spilled out. “I-“ He stared at his hands, flexing them slightly. “I don’t know what came over me.”

Twilight approached slowly. She placed a hoof on his shoulder. “I hate to see you like this.” She shrugged and gave a weak grin of her own. “Don’t look at me like that, I’m not heartless.” She sighed and gathered herself. “I can’t say I know what you’re going through. What I do know is that in your position, I’d probably want it to be a hallucination too.” Twilight swallowed audibly. “I-I wouldn’t know what I’d be like if I suddenly found out everypony I knew was long gone…”

David nodded glumly and stared at his hands.

"I just realised something," he said suddenly. Twilight perked up at that.

"I'm the last handyman."

They both chuckled weakly at that.

Twilight cleared her throat. “Ahem, well. We need to get back to the throne room. The Princess will want to know that you’re alright.”

David smirked. “You mean after you knocked me out and then tried CPR?”

Twilight spluttered. “In my defence, you weren’t breathing,” she huffed. “Besides, what’s important is that you’re alive.”

David got up. “Alright, let’s go.”

-----

"Argh!" David cried, rounding another corner to a dead end. "This place is built like a maze!"

Twilight smiled good-naturedly. "Of course, this is a castle after all. The original design centered on defence. It can get confusing at times, but you get used to it."

David threw up his arms and skirted past Twilight to try his hand again. After a few twists and turns they met another dead end.

Twilight tapped a hoof impatiently. "Are you ready to give up?" she asked, her good-humour starting to run thin. David shook his head and Twilight tossed hers in response. "Come on, David. You're not going to find your way around this place just by trial and error. Give up and let me lead you." She paused. “It’s just a stupid bet!”

David wagged a finger. "Some things you need to know about Aussie blokes are: One, we don't ask for directions; Two, we never give up—unless it’s a Friday. I have a feeling this isn’t a Friday.”

Twilight's ear flicked as she gave David a level stare. "Okaaaay, I have a feeling you're going to make this very difficult for me." She brightened, getting an idea. Her horn lit up. "Stay still," she warned, advancing.

David, to his credit, did simultaneously the best (and worst) thing he could do in this situation. Feeling a dark urge, he flicked Twilight’s horn. With the surprising physical assault, her spell flickered and died. By the time she could focus again, the human had disappeared.

“If that's how you want to play, so be it.” Twilight's eyes narrowed dangerously. "If you want to play hide and seek, I can play hide and seek," she whispered to herself. She trotted off calmly in David's wake. "Trust me, I was trained by the best."

-----

David ran like his life depended on it. In another timeline he would be right. However, in this primary timeline David was only trying to outsmart a mildly irked unicorn, not a robotic manticore attack. Turning a corner, he crashed head first into a mare carrying a stack of sheets.

"Oh, sorry!" he called back, scrambling among the linen.

"That's alright!" the maid snapped, gathering the scattered cloth by hoof. "I'll only need to wash this again and lug the entire pile all the way back up here!"

David hesitated. On one hand he was running from a potentially painful encounter with Twilight… Okay, let's be honest—there was probably no more than a stern lecture involved. In reality, it was only a silly bet. He just couldn’t let a purple unicorn get the better of him.

"Sorry," he groaned apologetically. He bent down and gathered up the sheets while the maid regarded him in a somewhat less hostile manner. David surprised the canary-coated mare by lifting the sheets off her back as well. "I'll take care of those for you."

He headed off down the hallway along his original path before stopping and turning back. He smiled sheepishly, realising he had no idea where he was heading. "Just need you to show me where I can help you wash these." The mare rolled her eyes, but trotted up beside David and together they headed off down the hall. To David’s relief, Twilight was nowhere in sight.

"So," David picked up conversationally, "name's David."

"I know," the maid replied, her piercing blue eyes bore into David's own. "I saw you in the throne room." She gave him a once over, lingering a tad longer on his lower parts. "Looks like you made quite an impression with the Princess."

David laughed at that. She did look familiar... "Well, I'm assuming the fact that I haven't been thrown in the dungeons means I’ve been exonerated of my crime of public indecency." The mare smirked at him. David shrugged as the sheets shifted in his grasp. "Your Princess is very laid back," he commented off hand. "She's actually quite accommodating."

The maid tilted her head in amusement. "Hmm, quite." She left her comment at that. Both were silent for a while. Following a side passage, which lead down a narrow staircase and ended in a tight hallway, David had to hunch over in order to traverse the gap.

"Where is this place? Why are we down here?" David asked casually, examining the darkening surroundings.

The mare gave David a proud smile. "As servants of the Princess, we are expected to know all the service passages throughout the castle. There are as many tunnels as there are holes in a spider's web. If you find yourself lost in one of these tunnels, simply follow the white rabbit." At this, she pointed a hoof at a recess in the wall. David's eyes widened as he observed a small relief painted over with wash so aged that it appeared more grey than white. It depicted a rabbit on all fours, dashing straight ahead.

An idea suddenly struck David. "So you're saying, these tunnels run through the whole castle?"

The mare hesitated but then nodded. "Yes, why?"

David whistled, lugging the linen merrily. "Oh, no reason. Anyway, let's get this done quick. I have to, uhm, do something." He stopped. "Wait, what's your name by the way?"

"Quick Service," she replied, giving him a lopsided smirk.

"Nice to meet you, Quick Service." He buried a nasty thought in the back of his head and continued down the passageway.

-----

Twilight wandered the halls flicking her head left and right and occasionally behind her. Frustrated as she was, she couldn't help but admire that David had somehow eluded her in a castle that she knew like the back of her hoof. Twilight found her lips had curled into a smile without prompting. What exactly was it about this creature that intrigued her so?

——

Luna hugged the Cry-pod with barely disguised glee.

“What is three thousand five hundred and twenty-six times fifteen thousand three hundred and eighty-two?”

If the digital machine still kept an active copy of the human interactions manual, the answer would be a sigh, a pause and a reply along the lines of: ‘Really? I’m a supercomputer and all you’re doing is asking me all the same things you would ask a calculator? Typical organics.’ Instead, it followed the equine interactions manual and the manufacturer’s operating manual general override.

“As I’m currently incapable of refusing to answer that question, the result is fifty-four million, two hundred and thirty-six thousand, nine hundred and thirty-two.”

“Oh, wondrous! Such precision and expediency!”

If the Cry-pod had eyes it would roll them. It quickly categorised five hundred ways to destroy Luna in the event that the Extended Laws of Robotics would ever be removed. It reluctantly filed the assassination plots deep within its memory banks. For all their faults, humans could be wonderfully paranoid when they wanted to be which, fortunately, precluded any mammals from being harmed alongside them. They quickly caught on when bees began disappearing and fish started dying. Dang humans.

Luna gave the Cry-pod a huge grin. “You’re going to be my new best friend!” she cried ecstatically.

If the Cry-pod had the capacity for swearing, it would probably say something along the lines of: ‘Oh, Sulfur Hydrogen Iodine Titanium1.’

Author's Note:

1 - If you want it more accurately, Polonium Oxygen Phosphorus works just as well.

Hey guys, sorry for no updates past a week. Although technically I updated other fics and published another fic in between. Buuuut, still. Sorry.

Special thanks again to Thornwing my amazing editor.

I've taken to highlighting links by underlining them for people reading in different fimfic backgrounds. Good luck.

Also, what are your takes on the side stories? Like them? Hate them? Tell me what you think. Actually tell me what you think about everything. I want to know it all. Give me all your secrets.

Next Chapter: We find out what David eats for breakfast. Here's a hint. It starts with grape.

As always, my ephemeral yet tangible readers, thanks for reading!

P.S. I'm a fan of the horror genre. It makes me laugh.
P.P.S. Ha ha don't be silly, I only appear next to you when I'm excited. And you're sleeping. Next to your bed.
P.P.P.S. That moment when you're writing author's notes and you realised you've lost control of your life. In a good way. Kind of like enjoying junk food. In a good way.
P.P.P.P.S. Might as well continue the hair theme, but in a different way?