11 - Ethylated Spirits
Chapter 11: Ethylated Spirits
Alcohol was invented a couple of years after the advent of Nightmare Moon. Alcohol was a useful tool for forgetting things and it was openly embraced by pony society. Celestia was initially perturbed by the substance, but once she tried it she thought ‘what’s the harm in it’. Nothing of consequence happened for roughly seven hundred years…
You see, dragons love alcohol; can’t get enough of the stuff. Dragons also have a larger body mass than most ponies, so they can consume a great deal of alcohol without feeling the effects. One could toss back a barrel or two and a they would only become moderately tipsy. Still, no dragon could withstand the pony brewed specialty, ‘Dragon’s Fire’, an alcohol containing an absurd 89.2 % ethanol.
The beverage was usually mixed in various cocktails, one of which was called ‘The Nightmare Cometh’. This was a sketchy beverage that contained several ingredients including, but not necessarily limited to:
- Crushed Crystal Empire Crystals (fondly named ‘the triple C’ which was a rarity in its day)
- Water from the Oasis of the Desert from the Other Side of the Dunes (a common commodity shipped by the Equinos, but highly appreciated due to its rejuvenating properties)
- Granulated Magic ++ (a product invented to give unicorns increased magical stamina, but found its way to more clandestine uses)
- Hair of Dog (which comes from the only dog in Equestria, an immortal being that goes by the name ‘Winona’)
All this must be stirred with the talon of a griffon and shaken in a hollowed out minotaur’s horn. The cocktail was so powerful that a dragon took one sip of the contents and declared eternal fealty to the bar’s counter, the first thing the dragon laid eyes on. Unfortunately, the barkeeper held the dragon to his promise. As you know, dragon promises were binding, so the dragon spent the rest of his days cleaning the bar’s counter and protecting it from the patrons of the bar.
There was no doubt that ponies made some of the best tasting alcohol anywhere. Before the alcohol prohibition in Equestria, dragons from all over the world would visit Equestria to sample the stock. Equestrians were generally happy to accommodate the large, scaled creatures because they often carried riches and hoards that more than paid for the drinking excess. One thing that prevented this from continuing was a very large dragon by the apt name of Goliath, who unwisely decided to host a huge drunken party in Equestria.
It wouldn’t be so bad if dragons weren’t the worst type of drunk. Do you know that loud, obnoxious and easily aggravated idiot that drinks way too much and ends up needing their friend’s help to get out the dozen or so feet to the cab? Imagine that person more easily aggravated, about eighty or ninety times their weight, and you gave them the ability to breathe fire and slash anything to bits with their claws. Now imagine about a hundred of these people…
Three things happened the day after Goliath’s monumental party. One, a new law was legislated: alcohol was restricted to nothing more than hard cider in content. Ponies mainly turned to salt, but it wasn’t the same. Two, a pony city once called ‘Prancesylvania’–now known as the Badlands–was to be avoided until further notice. Three, Celestia swore never to try something called ‘the Nightmare Cometh’ ever again.
–––––
The Pony’s Watering Hole was established three hundred years ago during alcohol prohibition. The restaurant, at least such as it claimed to be, was a front for its seedy operations of serving harder alcohols primarily shipped from the griffons and dragons. Of course, not many ponies knew this, they just came for the killer menu. Prench fries—a delicacy in which potatoes were deep-fried in oil and served with a tomato sauce—most came for that. That, and the restaurant was quite literally the front, the bar was in the back.
Luna had heard of this restaurant but didn’t know of its more shady operations. David, after explaining he wanted alcohol—and conceded that beer wasn’t likely to be found in Equestria—decided he would try hard cider instead. Unfortunately, the Lunar Princess was at a loss for where one would lay hooves on such a thing—after all, most of her favourite drinking halls were a thousand years out of date. After wandering the streets of Canterlot, they decided to ask a guard.
“Good afternoon, my good sir! Would you happen to know where we might obtain some alcohol?!” Princess Luna called out. It must have been the wrong thing to say because the guard turned around, arched an eyebrow, turned back, trotted a few steps then did a comical double-take.
“P-Princess!” the stallion babbled, executing a hasty bow.
David fingered his growing stubble thoughtfully. He would need to shave, soon.
“No need for that, kind citizen. Could one, perhaps, direct me to the nearest imbibing establishment?” the Princess continued.
The stallion cocked his head. “Oh, sure. That would be the Pony’s Watering Hole. They, uhm, sell the ‘good stuff’.”
David was suddenly interested. “Oh really? What sort of ‘good stuff’?”
At that, the guard grew a mite nervous. Everypony knew about the Pony Watering Hole… but was it a good idea to reveal how much he knew? Was it wrong to be implicated by knowing about the establishment’s clandestine activities? It was surely harmless enough. His cousin worked there, and he was a good pony. Nopony got hurt, as far as he knew…
“I’m not disclosed to bespeak any such information to you, nor would I, even if I had said information you want, at this juncture be able.”
The Princess raised an eyebrow.
“But you must tell me, must you not?”
The stallion gulped and shifted his hooves uncomfortably. He looked around as if he could find a way out of telling the Princess among the items for sale within the curio stalls lining the street. Finally, he sighed and deflated. “There may or may not be a stock of ‘The Nightmare Cometh’,” he murmured, barely keeping eye contact with Luna.
Luna frowned. “The Nightmare Cometh,” she mumbled, rolling it around in her mouth as if she were tasting the words. “The Nightmare Cometh,” she repeated to herself, darkly.
David tapped the Princess on her shoulder. “You seem like you know what that is. Is it a good drink?”
Luna shook her head slowly. “No, I’m quite sure I have heard of it, but I have yet to slake my thirst with such a grimly named beverage.” She brightened. “But I will happily try some of it, if such circumstances arise!”
“Oh, the Princess is game for some drinking? Ever had a drinking contest?”
“No, I don’t believe so.”
“Buckle up, Luna! It’s time to get you drunk.”
–––––
The Pony’s Watering Hole was not a difficult restaurant to find. Hiding in plain sight, the restaurant/bar stood proudly with a large sign saying, ‘newcomers welcome’. As Luna and David approached the restaurant, patrons were acutely aware that they were in the presence of the Princess. Some huddled in their seats, nervously nursing their drinks sneaking furtive glances every few seconds. Others squared their shoulders and stared out the window as to seem less conspicuous. Of course, this simply made them more so to the casual observer. To each of their alcohol befuddled minds, they thought it was the perfect disguise. Some of the more sober ponies thought to get up and execute a hasty bow. This ended with several of them stumbling and making fools of themselves.
The barkeep/restaurant manager tracked the Princess and the human as they walked through the restaurant/bar. He watched as the wave of discomfort, general cursing, and stumbling flowed outwards from the pair like a ripple moving through the surface of a pond.
This, he thought slowly, is a bad omen.
Cold Lager was a professional, and clearly the Princess wasn’t there for a shakedown. His eye gleamed as he weighed risking his profits. Greed got the better of the little pony.
“What can I do fer you two?” he greeted casually, cleaning a glass with a cloth that he shared with the bar. David made a mental note to bring his own mug next time. He reconsidered the thought when he realised that as long as he ordered something of a sufficiently high alcoholic content, it would kill all the pathogens anyway.
He waved at Cold Lager to distract him from addressing the uncertain Princess.
“What’s the strongest stuff you have here?” David asked.
Suddenly the room was deadly quiet. While it was muted before—vague whisperings and the occasional belch—the restaurant-and-bar was now silent. The ominous creak of wood peeled through the establishment as Cold Lager leaned across the counter and fixed David with a critical eye.
“Are ye sure, matey?” Cold Lager tapped the bar top with a hoof. “Aye’ll not want ta be responsible fer yer conduct after taking a sip o’ this here deadly blend.”
David glanced at Luna and the mare raised an eyebrow. There was no backing out now.
“I’ll take it, whatever it is.”
“Fifty bits, upfront, no refunds.”
Luna grinned at David and gladly drew out a hefty sack of coins that hit the counter with a dull thunk. Many patrons’ eyes widened.
“It isn’t beer, David, but I hope this will do.”
“One for Luna, as well.”
“Yes, of course. Wait–”
But the barkeep had already withdrawn the bits with a quick hoof and Luna was left gaping as he swirled, mixed, shook and at one point set fire to the beverage. Wordlessly, the manager of the restaurant passed the drink to Luna and David. Cold Lager gave them a laser like stare as he filled a stein to the brim with the concoction, the mixture still bubbling and frothing ominously, and causing the lid to pop open every once in a while.
“Did I hear a scream?” David wondered out loud.
Cold Lager just chuckled and continued wiping other glasses with his dirty cloth.
Luna and David studied their beverages with trepidation. Luna stuck her tongue out to taste the froth. This was a grave mistake.
“Dawid?” (David?)
“Huh?”
“Mah dung ith num…” (My tongue is numb…)
David swallowed hard. Luna had a look akin to total terror on her face.
“I-It’ll be fine,” he warbled, trying to inject some enthusiasm into his voice. David carefully lifted his glass up to head height.. Luna hesitated, but soon followed suit.
“Cheers,” he cried, bringing the stein to his mouth. Luna didn’t say anything. She needed her concentration for this. All eyes were fixed on the two as they drunk deep draughts out of the glass.*
David blinked.
“Huh,” he muttered, smacking his lips. “Not bad. Not bad at all.”
Then he collapsed to the floor.
Luna looked down at David, then back at the bartender, then back at David again.
She burst into tears.
“Dawid’s deeeeeeead!” she wailed, prancing on the same spot. She bent down and gave the human a lick. “Geddup! Don’ weeave me!” Then she collapsed right next to him.
One unicorn leaned across their table to address the gobsmacked pegasus sipping his drink.
“I guess we got a free show,” he laughed rather smugly.
The pegasus fluffed her feathers. “That ended kinda fast though.”
Cold Lager raised an eyebrow.
“What are you folk talkin’ ‘bout? That’s jus’ stage one.”
–––––
Twilight took her time trying to study the small, flat, glass panel. She tried to touch it with her hoof, but it didn’t respond. She tried using her magic, but touching it with her magic didn’t elicit a response. Infuriatingly, the only thing she could use was the tip of her muzzle. It would beep and display up to twenty two characters. There were ten numbers on the display. A quick calculation on her part came up with 1 in 10^22 chance of her guessing the number correctly. Inputting it manually was out of the question. Hitting the right numbers with her muzzle was difficult and her eyes went cross-eyed whenever she tried. With the Princess watching, it was hard to admit defeat.
Seeing the frustrated unicorn keying in the numbers one agonising beep at a time, Celestia cleared her throat softly.
“Twilight?”
Twilight looked like she’d been caught with her hoof in the cookie jar.
“Yes, Princess?”
Celestia sighed. “Call me Celestia, or Sunny, or anything besides Princess,” she reminded her student gently.
Twilight shrugged sheepishly. “Sorry Prin–Celestia, force of habit.”
Celestia gestured to the panel. “This has been perplexing us for quite some time. We cannot seem to obtain the code to unlock this mysterious vault.”
Twilight nodded thoughtfully, thinking of all she had read on cryptology and locks. To be honest there wasn’t much on that. Ponies didn’t really have a penchant for stealing things. Still, some items of rare value or powerful artefacts were kept within the Royal Canterlot vaults.
Suddenly, she thought of a famous pony thief… she couldn’t remember his name—Rembramble? He once bypassed the numerous magical locks on a safe by simply digging through the other side. The panel acted suspiciously similar to some magical control devices in Cloudsdale factories. If they couldn’t affect the controller on the doorway… perhaps they could affect the mechanics it was attached to.
Twilight scanned the doorway with a magical spell. Celestia looked on curiously as her student probed and examined the door with her analysing spells. Twilight’s lips twitched in anticipation. Her smile grew wider and wider until she turned to the Princess with a heady grin plastered all over her face.
“Princess, I need some parchment. I think I’ve solved our problem.”
––––––
The Pony’s Watering Hole had attracted quite a crowd. Among them were the regular patrons of the establishment, of course, but there were also a couple of passing ponies that were attracted to the disturbing noises, and a few unicorn and pegasus guards that had gathered at the edges, unsure of what to make of the scenario.
Inside, David and Luna were attempting to sing.
Luna had a beautiful singing voice that was ruined by the rasping of the burning alcohol that had seared down her throat. David had a terrible singing voice which was improved by the alcohol stripping all his inhibitions.
The result was many bleeding ears and teeth ground to dust.
A couple of thestrals alighted next to the solar guards at the edge of the crowd.
“Hey Lance, what’s going on?” The two solar guards turned to the newcomers somewhat gratefully.
“Oh hey, Flutters, we’re kind of glad you’re here.” He lifted a hoof and pointed to the Lunar Princess leaning heavily against David holding a hoof queasily against her muzzle. David didn’t look so hot himself, staggering under the weight of the equine.
“It’s a delicate situation,” he commented wryly.
Flutters and Nighters looked at each other.
“Actually—” Flutters began.
“We’re not on duty for a few more minutes,” Nighters finished.
Shield raised an eyebrow. “Yeah… No, the Night Princess falls under night guard. Good luck you two. Try not to blow up Canterlot.” Lance and Shield gave the pair a jaunty wave and headed off. They didn’t even look back.
“Ugh,” growled Nighters under her breath. “You know what this means?”
Flutters pouted as the alicorn and human fell backwards off the table.
“Paperwork,” Flutters muttered darkly.
In the background, Cold Lager crowed from behind the counter. “Stage two done! Everypony take cover fer stage three!”
––––––
After getting some parchment and quills, Twilight made some sketches and diagrams, humming to herself. Celestia settled in the background, busying herself with some of the paperwork required to run the kingdom of Equestria. Many of them were general requests for approval from the many departments of her government. Celestia hummed and scanned the document, idly signing the EHD's recommendation to expand into something called homeopathic cures. Celestia shrugged. Perhaps she could ask the Science department to investigate it after they stop looking into glowing rocks.
Her workflow was interrupted when the clatter of hooves and a few strange squeals from Twilight broke her concentration. Celestia looked up from a half-read report about two drunken citizens currently remanded to the local Canterlot constabulary. She dismissed the reports and paperwork via a quick teleportation spell and approached Twilight as she constructed an impressive magical replica of the control panel. The conjuration was so life-like that Celestia glanced back at the panel on the door to make sure Twilight hadn't actually unmounted the device from the wall.
Twilight glanced up as the Princess approached. Scattered around the unicorn were sketches and diagrams and blueprints of meticulous detail. Celestia had a hard time believing they weren't printed, save for the fact that she had seen the blank parchment mere minutes ago.
An excited sparkle gleamed in Twilight’s eye as she spoke, “Please excuse the crudity of this model. I didn’t have time to build it to scale,” she remarked.
Celestia raised an eyebrow at that. “It's good,” she commented drily. It was even coloured in.
Twilight gave the model a once-over and composed herself.
“Ahem. This is a model of the control system for the doorway,” she proclaimed, gesturing to the panel. Celestia merely smiled at Twilight and waited for her to continue. The unicorn hastily moved on.
“The driving force for this doorway comes from the relay after the correct input is detected.” She demonstrated by tapping on the panel with her hoof. The panel beeped in response with the same sound the door panel had made. “Of course, I’ve just modified the model to incorporate the hoof-pressing… I just felt a little ridiculous pressing my nose against the glass all the time.” Celestia smiled at that, deciding that the image of Twilight pressing her muzzle against the door panel repeatedly would be a humorous image worth remembering.
“So, as I have told you, the relay works after confirmation from this little control centre.” The model, enveloped in a magenta field, split in two, revealing a little green board crisscrossed with strange bumps and complicated criss-crossing patterns. Here was where Twilight’s excitement shone through.
“Notice anything familiar, Prin–I mean–Celestia?”
The Solar diarch leaned in, examining the board and the construction. She was puzzled at first, but her eyes widened. “It looks a little like the security spell matrices we use for the vaults!”
Twilight nodded appreciatively. “Exactly! Well, I haven’t had time to look at the real security spells, but the construction is similar to Knox’s patents,” she gushed, pointing to various components on the board. “It’s flatter and it’s hidden under several layers of this board but if I do… this!”
The board rearranged itself so the wires flattened out into a two-dimensional diagram with all of the components on the reverse side splayed out and the traces connecting the subcomponents gently glowing. Celestia noticed something off to the side, almost forgotten.
“If you look over here,” she began, instantly gaining Twilight’s attention. “The pattern leads to a mechanical switch which is connected to the board itself. The switch is constantly depressed… oh! I see it now. It’s very similar to the anti-tampering spells we employ in some of our bank safes. Clever.”
Twilight cycled through a palette of emotions. “It’s so complex,” she commented. “Yet some of the designs are just elegantly simplistic.” Twilight looked back to her mentor, a look of uncertainty in her expression. “This is a major find, and I have this nagging feeling…”
“A feeling that we’re a boulder atop of a mountain, balanced precariously on the summit? That getting past this door will open more than just a path for us to tread upon?”
“Yes,” Twilight admitted, looking away. “It feels so… wrong that something so ancient can be so advanced. At the same time, it feels so…”
“Right?”
“No. Exhilarating!”
They fell silent at that, carefully examining the slowly rotating magical projection in front of them.
Celestia asked the unspoken question that was hanging in the air.
“So, did you find a way around it?”
Twilight had as much confidence as an emu walking backwards.
“Y-Yes, Princ–Celestia, I think I have.”
The young unicorn cantered up to the doorway, examining the massive metal plating that gave the door an ominous presence. Even closed and inert, the door seemed to hum with intensity, a measure of what could be the single most momentous occasion of pony history. Something that could cast the world, as they knew it, into a spiralling abyss of escalating revelation and upheaval. Twilight’s horn glowed softly as she concentrated, bypassing the electrical and mechanical systems and cautiously skirting around the several anti-tamper safeguards.
Minutes ticked by with sweat beading across Twilight’s brow. Even Celestia nervously shifted from side to side, caught up in the atmosphere of anticipation. With a startling ‘beep’, the panel flashed a couple of times and a shudder and screech echoed throughout the cavernous halls as the ancient servomotors kicked in and fought to pull the door apart.
Soon, it became apparent that the lack of maintenance proved greater than the design, and so the doors slowed down and eventually stopped, only halfway retracted. Slightly disappointed, though no less disheartened, Twilight stepped forward to see the wonders and riches that were hidden behind this door, barred to ponykind in excess of ten thousand years.
Celestia and Twilight gaped at the sight, taking in the two unexpected visitors that lay beyond the gate.
David staggered forward.
“Hey Twi–*hic*–light!” he slurred and collapsed to the ground.
Luna waved jauntily, equally unsteady on her hooves.
“Greetings! *hic* sisterrrr!”
She promptly passed out.
Back in the Pony’s Watering Hole, Cold Lager smeared a greasy stain on one of his cups, inspecting it casually.
“And that’s stage three fer yer,” he announced to the bar. The rest of the bar cheered. Unbeknownst to either Luna or David, their portrait would be hung side by side to Celestia and Goliath’s own as ‘Survivors of the Nightmare Cometh’.
A small petition to make ‘Nightmare Cometh Night’ a public holiday was vehemently denied.
Stats
Page generated in 0.047 seconds
Total duration
1,130 users online
2,147,803 hits today, 2,814,898 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I think that Nightmare Cometh Night is an excellent idea.
Can we just get Luna hammered like this 24/7? That'd be great.
Wait. . . you're Princess Celestia?
this chapter is just short of epic
Okay so the door was... a teleporting chamber made for delivering drunk humans and alicorns?
The Nightmare giveth (hangovers) and the Nightmare taketh (inhibitions).
Missing punctuation
Seriously? 89% is strong? Try Polish spirytus. It's 99% strong, and it won't turn you into blabbering idiot after one glass (but will obliterate your throat).
5454211 No. It's an Aperture Laboratories' Spatial Distortion Unit that is liked to a pub that was once, several millennia ago, a pub.
We need David to see cezzy eating cake and scream out, "THE CAKE IS A LIE!!!!"
5454420
We really need to see fewer morons spouting dead memes.
gargwiki.net/images/5/5c/Goliath.PNG
Connection?
5454271 I once made the mistake of smelling the stuff, lost my nosehairs in the process.
Wow... When did I make those patents?
5425104
Yeah. The use of neo-latin for early scientific work has left some rather messy mismatches among the earliest entries in the periodic table.
XD this was hilarious!
... That's all I've really got to say
wow nice chapter :D good job you did on this one as well :) :D very funny too :D
I sense a hangover in their future.
lawl
5454909 railway spike trough the head?... Nope much much worse... more like the worse feelinf ever...
5454271 Yeah that. Max I had was some medical alcohol, 96%. Damn my throat felt really bad, but I got that glass in. Never again will I drink undiluted high-purity alcohol.
5454254 Dang it, I really thought I had all of them this time! Thanks.
5454055 Yes. Yes we can. In fact, I'd make it a side story if I weren't so busy.
5454458 THERE WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH MEMES!!!
But seriously, the moron part is completely uncalled for.
5456169
Yeah, a bit.
But really. Less memes.
5454420 >implying that le may-may is still funny
I can only imagine if they somehow found a bottle of wine perfectly preserved from the same time that David was frozen
5456346 Bitch, you just jealous of my companion cube swagger.
5456660 .............
5456943 ...Yeah... I've been watching way too much Team Four Star, haven't I?
5454271
I like to think it is all the extra stuff in the drink that does it.
Wait, did the door open into the back of the drunk tank or something?
5456626 As an electrical engineering in training, I would agree with you. For the purposes of this fic, the door didn't have heavy security. All Twilight had to really do is activate the relay switch and trigger the motors.
5454909
I see a hangover 2, in the future.
The Ozzie's love their alcohol
5456626
Keep in mind that magic is an outside-context problem for electronic security.
Being able to induce seemingly arbitrary changes to the laws of reality at seemingly arbitrary points could quite believably render an electronic lock ineffective in much the same way as transmuting a hardened steel vault door into banana pudding. (Especially if Twilight recognized what was going on by analogy to some kind of magical circuitry like the runic arrays you see in some stories.)
Drunk Luna and David are silly, but I'm surprised that the moon didn't start bobbing over the horizon as Luna got smashed.
5455578
That scene remind me of this pic that I find awhile back:
img1.derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/8/9/70601__safe_oc_upvotes+galore_unicorn_bat+pony_royal+guard_griffon_night+guard_artist-colon-equestria-dash-prevails_money.png
Alas, like Lot's wife, they too looked back upon the burning cities.
*That's right, Alondro's trolling just reached Biblical proportions! Wakka wakka wakka!*
5456626 Use the magic to change the computer into a pixie and then use the magical pixie dust to obtain the password!
It works because MAAAAAAAAGIC!!!
5470275 I read that in my brother's voice. (You type like he speaks.) Are you SURE you're not secretly him? or a clone?
5476222 I am now in everyone's mind... *Alondro = The Lawnmower Man*
Soooo~ That "Nightmare Cometh"-Juice is the pony equavilant to the Pangalactic Thundergargler?
5478087 Alondro is all, and all is Alondro. Hail Alondro.
5479382 *Pangalatic Gargleblaster.
I imagine so.
5480247
Yeah, that stuff too. I´ll take a bucket full please!
5480420 Hey, who am I to deny you your death wish?
5480243 But in the sequel I become a derped Matt Frewer. And no one respects me ever again.
5485980 tsk tsk Alondro, for shame.
The Crystal Empire vanished before Nightmare Moon was banished, and everyone forgot about it. Seems a bit weird to have that be an ingredient.
5487546
hm
i want to say this to...but unless Berry Punch being in the Jousting crowd was just a hiccup
Then at least some ponies knew the empire did exist and visited it annually...or something.
5487546 It was a rarity that was purchased before the Crystal Empire disappeared. The short supply made it hard to obtain.