Chapter 3: Using Your Anti-Freeze For More Than Medical Reasons
Humans have the remarkable ability to become simultaneously more intelligent and more ignorant when they group together. While animals generally make better decisions in herds or schools, humans are strangely capable of making rash, misinformed and highly emotional-driven responses within larger groups.
These groupings are usually referred to as ‘mobs’.
The concept of mob rule acts as the basis on which the entire set of guidelines for social interactions among humans is laid. One interesting aspect of social interaction is the ability for people to react to new stimuli by comparing notes passed down from years of experience in interacting with one's peers. It follows that those that are among the most socially adaptable, are beings that have had the most experience over the years.
Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria for thousands of years, for example, had her mask of ‘calm, cool and collected’ down pat. It had worked quite well, bringing others up to her speed. Princess Luna, not quite the ruler of Equestria for thousands of years, but still pretty close, had taken to blasting down opposing voices with an even stronger voice. It worked for quite a while, at least until the ringing stopped. Discord, an even more ancient being than either of them, had taken to playing pranks on the locals and just generally went with the flow. He, of course, had become the most socially adaptable and nothing really quite fazed him.
Most of us, however, since we do not have the benefit of such longevity, will tend to use a formula for conversation along the lines of, ‘if this works, then stick to it’. In the event of failure or something totally unexpected then, ‘panic’. In the event that these two maxims ever fail, not for lack of trying on either part, social anathema will ensue in the most dreaded form.
Awkward silence.
It was perhaps fortunate for Twilight that the only other occupants of the small non-fiction section of the Royal Canterlot Archives were currently incapable of speech.
One strange creature that had been sleeping in a box for an unknown period of time was currently unconscious in front of her hooves.
The other, the Cry-pod, was currently undergoing a small bout of existential crisis now that its primary function had largely been fulfilled. For organics, this would usually equate to large amounts of satisfaction and a certain penchant for festivity. Eventually, organics would move onto their next project in pursuit of life’s greater meaning—if in fact there were greater meaning to pursue. Unfortunately, the Cry-pod simply sat there, trying to process what the next step in its metallic life would be.
It pondered heavy things.
Things like:
Do I have a metallic heart?
Can my digital processor calculate the meaning of life?
If I open another corn chip packet, I won't have enough salsa. If I open another salsa jar, I won't have enough corn chips.
This was strange, since the Cry-pod had never eaten in its digital life.
It may have been a blessing or a curse, but the whole portion of humanity’s philosophical musings were among the first of many cultural files corrupted in the Cry-pod’s memory bank. Perhaps that was for the best.
The Cry-pod did some rough estimation and conceded that calculating the meaning of life would take 1.43 x 10^17 seconds of processing time. It figured that if that’s how long it would take, it should get started right away.
So it got started right away.
Twilight cautiously prodded and probed the mysterious box, but other than some strange energy flows moving through the console, it remained remarkably inert. After trying several times to elicit a response from the Cry-pod and failing, she concluded that perhaps the box had somehow broken itself.
Which was amazing, since Twilight couldn’t conceive a way this thing could be talking to her if it weren’t for magic.
Since the Cry-pod couldn’t help her with the strange creature, Twilight engaged on the only course of action available to her.
She was going to tell the Princess.
Just as she was about to teleport to the Princess with the strange creature in tow, she paused. What if the creature had an adverse reaction to magic? It was unheard of for sure, but that didn’t discount the possibility. Maybe she should leave the creature here? No, it could wander off, or make a mess, or hurt itself somehow. It hadn’t made a positive first impression.
What Twilight needed was a plan, and she couldn’t think of one off the top of her head. She really needed to sit down and put her hoof to a quill and write up the appropriate response to this startling situation. She rubbed a hoof on her muzzle in contemplation. There was something she remembered, something about this place…
Ah, that’s right! When she was a filly she had hidden a little parchment and some writing implements around here somewhere. She glanced at the shelves. Many years ago, she had painstakingly created a bound book that would stand out to her…
There it was! Still in mint-pristine condition! How had the librarian missed it after all these years? Clearly, Starswirl the Bearded’s Guide On Thaumalogical Compositions and Concoctions was spelt wrong. It’s ‘Thaumamalogical’ not ‘Thaumalogical’! Duh!
Twilight shook her head sadly, if it were her library she would have immediately spotted that error. Although, now she had reason to be grateful for the negligent librarian. At least she had a parchment and—
Hang on, what’s that?
-----
David woke up for the third time, this time, to feverish muttering. He shifted into an upright position as he regarded the source of anxious murmuring. There was that purple unicorn again, muttering to itself.
“I could take him to the hospital, but then the Princess might not be pleased I brought him there first without consulting her. Maybe no one would notice if I brought a strange, hornless minotaur into the hospital? Argh, this would be so much simpler if I had Spike here. It might be okay… I only did an eye and hoof inspection—but it wasn’t very thorough. I’m not a doctor… Would a pony doctor even know how it works? Argh! What am I going to tell the Princess?”
David decided that the talking purple unicorn might need some comforting. He had read somewhere that people sometimes needed ‘a sympathetic rock to weather the emotional storm.’ To date, he still didn’t know what that meant. He tried the only thing he could think of.
“She’ll be right, mate,” he said awkwardly, patting the unicorn gingerly on its head. He figured that it must be a ‘she’ given the tone of its voice. He made up his mind at this point. It was female until he saw evidence to the contrary.
The purple unicorn shook her head.
“The Princess? I’m sure she would understand… but this is such an unusual circumstance.”
“There, there,” David comforted, continuing to pet the stressed equine. He always had a soft spot for animals and children. Maybe this was his subconscious’ way of coping with the shock of coming out of cryostasis? He seriously considered the idea that he might have acute brain damage. He was uncomfortable with this line of thought, but quickly decided that such things were out of his control. He kept on petting.
The unicorn suddenly flinched under his hand.
“AAAAAAAHHHH!” she screamed shrilly, back-pedalling wildly.
“AAAAAAAAAAHHH!” David screamed back. “WHY ARE WE SCREAMING?!”
“I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE IT’S THE STRESS OF THE SITUATION?!” the diminutive equine yelled back.
“IS THE SHOUTING HELPING?!”
“YES…! NO…! MAYBE! THIS IS JUST SO RIDICULOUS! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STILL BE SLEEPING!”
“MAYBE I SHOULD BE! THIS WAS ONLY SUPPOSED TO GO FOR A YEAR. HOW LONG WAS I OUT?!”
“I’M NOT SURE, I’LL NEED TO CROSS-CHECK ARCHAEOLOGICAL RECORDS!”
“IS THAT CONVENIENT RIGHT NOW?!”
“NO, NOT WHILE WE ARE SHOUTING, AT LEAST!”
“CAN WE STOP SHOUTING?! MY EARS ARE STARTING TO HURT AS WELL AS MY THROAT!”
“YES, THA—“ *cough* *hack* “—seems like a good idea,” the unicorn finished hoarsely. She rubbed her throat with a hoof.
David rubbed his throat sympathetically as he tried to come to grips with talking to a mythological creature in this tone of excessive volumetric verbal eccentricity.
After a long pause, David tried to establish communications in a far more peaceful manner.
He held out a hand.
“I’m David,” he rasped. The unicorn glanced curiously at his hand before putting her hoof in it gingerly. David gently shook the hoof a couple of times.
“Twilight Sparkle,” she replied apprehensively, slowly taking back her hoof as he let go. David glanced at the scattered pieces of parchment strewn around the floor between them.
“So,” he croaked gutturally, “what are all these… drawings for?”
Twilight cleared her throat. “They were plans… for dealing with you.”
David’s eyes widened. He gulped anxiously. “Y-You mean… disposing of me?” he yelped, taking a couple cautious steps backwards.
Twilight frantically shook her hooves in front of her suggesting that was, in fact, not the case. “N-No! That’s horrible, why would anypony do something like that?”
David relaxed slightly. “True… The crayons don’t really lend an air of credibility to that idea,” he pointed out, gesturing at the colourful drawings.
Twilight sputtered as she defended her creations from unfair critique. “Crayons were the only writing implements I had on hoof! Pictures are a perfectly acceptable way of expressing information and they aid in memory retention!”
David folded his arms skeptically. “Uh huh,” he grunted in disbelief.
Twilight rolled her eyes, tapping a hoof impatiently on the wooden floor. “Really! I just stashed them here as a filly so I could always take down notes!”
David remained unconvinced, but he waved the issue away with his hand. “Alright… What do we do now?”
Twilight opened her mouth, hesitated, then snapped it shut with a click of her teeth. She looked torn between choices. Her eyes kept flickering around as if thoughts were flying through her head and she was trying to track them with her eyes. Suddenly they stopped. She grinned sheepishly. “I think it would be a good idea to see Princess Celestia,” Twilight posed slowly as David leaned against a bookcase. The bookcase, being less stable than he expected, tilted slowly. David jumped back as it toppled over, causing a domino effect on the other bookcases down the aisle.
Suitably shy, David gave a weak wave to Twilight as she sat with her mouth gaping wide for the umpteenth time today.
“Hah, well,” David started, absently adjusting his clothes, “the odds are definitely stacked against me today.”
Twilight could only manage a sound between strangulation and choking in response. David was grateful, judging from the glare that she gave him, that the brunt of her verbal assault was occluded by vocal muscle spasms.
Finally, Twilight was able to muster a small amount of composure. She drew herself up and took a deep breath. “Okay, that must have been an accident,” she said, forcing a laugh. “If you would follow me, perhaps we might be able to sort out this mess with the help of the Princess.”
David reluctantly followed Twilight. Royalty and unicorns? What next, magic?
Inwardly he laughed.
Magic.
Good one.
Seriously, are you possessed by the ghost of Douglas Adams?
The secret is that what I actually gave them for their tea was cocaine.
And that is how the "Whoa.. man, have.. have you dudes ever noticed... my talons are huuuuuuge," treaty was signed thus forgiving Zebraca for ever inflicting 'the rap music' upon Griffin civilians.
Most historians today agree that Celestia, while wise in this matter, has proven with it an unfortunate habit of sweeping such war crimes under the rug.
5168021 I am currently channeling my inner Douglas Adams and Mike Judge. I'm only allowed to equip only two characters at any one time so I may switch out Mike Judge for Michael Bay from time to time when I am in dire need of money and I need to resort to cheap tricks and effects to get away with it.
1.43 x 1017 seconds
The superscript on the 17 disappeared somewhere. Unless you were being oddly specific and actually meant just under 25 minutes.
5168050 It's been fixed on my third read through, which was strange since I saw it, thought about correcting it, then it slipped my mind.
Well, first contact went smoothly. Now let's see how it goes from here.
A bit less wordy then the previous chapters, but still spot on.
The allcaps, Jesus Christ. My eyeballs are dribbling down my cheeks.
5168153 You are feeling an echo of their discomfort for the awkward situation. I REGRET NOTHING.
Technically he was almost caught in a bookslide, and he has no escape from this reality.
...
What next?
Is he going to accidently going to knock over a water tower inadvertently flooding Canterlot Castle?
5168153
i1137.photobucket.com/albums/n510/niac123/tumblr_inline_mkxgr9MYQa1rb7r3n_zpsfb9147e2.gif
Yay for Aus!
The cryo-pod...did it keep track of time? Because I'd laugh if Discord found it and learned he was only the SECOND oldest living being.
Huh.
Me likey.
The shouting was good.
I don't think that's necessarily true. Animals tend to follow a leader who makes decisions based on survival instinct. This can be beneficial when a school of fish avoid a shark, but detrimental when the bellwether leads his herd into a slaughterhouse. Humans use the same method, but their mob reactions cause more harm or benefit to society than those of a school of fish.
thefunniestpictures.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/Morgan-Freeman-Memes.jpg
Hmm. Well, it's all proceeding apace, but other than panicking, not much has actually taken place. Events are either washing over these two or crashing directly into them.
Eh, it's still fairly amusing, and I'm sure the princesses will mix things up. I look forward to more.
Cool beans.
I find this story to be much like the Hitchhiker guide to the galaxy. Also much like that story you might want to watch out for when you branch off into another topic and talk about that for a while, as it gets kind of annoying.
Yaaay, my comment, it's in the A/N!
Anyway, good chapter, sadly I now have to wait for the next.
In this story is Australia now Tarterous? It's a pretty good Earth becomes Ponyland head cannon.
i'm taking this and running.
...
bye.
Well I just imagined Morgan Freeman narrating a carpet, I am enraptured by the speech's glory.
Oh hey I use queen lyrics in one of my stories
THIS, I like about you!
5168828
5168881
Yes, I do tend to ramble on, I'll check for too much digression next time but I'll also try and keep the style consistent, thanks.
5169337
Your story was actually the fic I had in mind that would clash with the use of Queen lyrics. I didn't want to be accused of being unoriginal, then again I do steal things from time to time and there's no such thing as true creativity, the chair doesn't exist, etc. Anyway thanks for reading!
5169546
Why thank you!
5168728
It depends on what you can define as intelligence or ignorance. I was mainly referring to creatures that were built for group interactions, for example ants have a well structured system that allows for very intelligent tackling of their environment. There must be some benefit to acting in a group that aids more in survival than in detriment (otherwise there wouldn't be a point to continuing that action). These animals tend to make very consequentialist decisions and they are made usually without discussion or hesitation. Bring discussion and the like into a social species and like you say, it usually ends up detrimental to society. That is not to say that animals can't make these responses too, I just find it hilarious that the result of a mob decision on our part can lead to everyone thinking that dreadlocks, drugs and spray painting the sides of buildings with a strange symbol was a good idea, some without even considering what it actually meant. I'm more commenting on how an individual can do things without thinking, rather than thinking and then doing.
5168671
It's been fixed! Wow that's been there way too long, thanks!
5168677 You have the best account name ever...
[youtube=http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=au3-hk-pXsM]
Everyone loves magical Trevor...
5169619 I've had it for over three years, and it's because Trevor is the original R63 Trixie. Most people use "Presto", no thanks to "On a Cross and Arrow", but I was the first to actually make/use 'Magical' Trevor as R63 Trixie, so the name is special to me. XD
5169626 Did you unintentionally make the pun or did you know previously?
'Look at him now, diasapearing a cow'
5169615 Its K
ALL TEXT SOUNDS LIKE MORGAN FREEMAN NOW
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!.......
Ahh....
Ah.
...
...this is nice...
How how had the librarian missed it
1. Indeed, how did she miss this?
Cool Story Bro... No Really. This is Cool.
Tracking will see where you take this...
thats 137924382716 Years! :o
^phone books
I get that you're imitating the style of Douglas Adams, but it seems kinda forced in my opinion.
Not that there's anything wrong with that, I'm just saying.
5170614 to bad it isn't 7.5 million years.
5170873 7.5 million years is tiny compared to that number
This is now beyond the glory that is The Guide, and is it's own guide, with the words "Panic Or Don't Panic, Just Keep Reading" embossed on the cover. I love this story.
5170614
5170883
Actually it's 4.534 x10^9 years.
5170806
I'm not sure what you mean by forced? While indeed the style may have been inspired by Douglas Adams I do like to have my own voice among the stars so to speak. This means it's not quite going to be 100% his style. I apologise if my execution feels forced in any way. I just thought this style and this premise was a good way to refresh an old genre I like. Saying that, I'm a separate author so of course it's going to feel a little off compared to Douglas Adams, I am not him after all (besides, who can compare to his professional writing, if not another professional writer? I'm plenty far off of that). Thank you for the feedback and I hope you've enjoyed the story though.
5170933 What do you mean?
What is 4.534 x10^9 years?
5170933
Fair enough. I guess I was assuming that this would be a close parody to Hitchhiker's Guide.
Your humor is clever, better than my sarcastic banter, anyways. It just felt like the humor was thrown at me at a rate of 15.73 WTFs per minute. Again, not a bad thing, but I probably should have started with a different story before jumping to this one, kind of like how I shouldn't start a drinking challenge with vodka, you know?
I beg of you to let me or someone else proof/edit this. The story is great, but the cringe creeps up in numerous places and makes it hard to fully enjoy.
Plow ahead with writing and let the OCD among us polish until it shines.
5170883 true but he could make it 1 googolplex amount of years if he wonted.
5171021 If you're volunteering, I'd be happy to take on your services. If you want, I can shove all the previous chapters onto a google docs document and if you don't mind, you can proofread them. The next chapters I can place in another document for you to peruse (my workflow generally consists of write in a couple of hours, shove it on fimfic come back from time to time to try and fix them and then go to sleep/back to work/etc). If this proposed system would work for you, give me a pm?
Is there a reason that Twilight isn't an alicorn in the story? Nothing in the description of the story or in any A/Ns.
-Spirit
5171083 I hadn't really set the timeline as of yet. I just positioned this story so that it would be some time before Twilight's ascension.