In time...

This could very well save you from... him.

I'll explain as quickly as I can.

(A quick one-shot I did because of an idea I had. My first attempt at something creepy)

Recommendations for getting the full effect:
1. Read alone, with the door closed. Even better if you face away from the door.
2. Read at night, with the curtains drawn.
3. Make sure it's quiet.
4. Keep the lights off.
5. Immerse yourself in the words on the page.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 16 )

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PiercingSight

PiercingSight #1 · Oct 9th, 2014 · · ·

Interesting.

I recommend taking out the author's note at the beginning. Just the note breaks the focus of the reader more than the environment of the reader. Most readers already read alone or in a quiet place anyway.

Besides that, your writing plays a lot on the mind, and it does so in that ever so slightly irking way. Not a bad irking, because that's the goal of this story: To tighten the nerves of the reader.

Now, while it isn't pony, and isn't really a story, it is a well done exercise of setting a tone with the use of pacing, staccato sentences, and bringing to mind memories and paranoid passing thoughts that we would prefer to ignore and forget.

So if you're wondering if you did what you were looking to do, you did, and did it well. Though, because of lack of story, lack of plot, lack of characters, you'll find that it might not be as popular as you might have hoped. (I hope it gets popular)

But just so you know, I appreciated it.

sgtnolisten

sgtnolisten #2 · Oct 9th, 2014 · · ·

Well fucking perfect. I read this and now I'm seeing a very, very light shadow at the very very edge of my right eye.

Thank you author. You have me sitting as stiff as a board and looking in only one direction.

Teq

Teq #3 · Oct 9th, 2014 · · ·

5116497 Don't look at it. It'll make it angry.

Teq

Teq #4 · Oct 9th, 2014 · · ·

5116320 Well, that's good to hear. I was worried about this one, if I'm totally honest.

In truth, it kind of is just a practice piece, but I was planning to write a much larger, main fic on it. I just didn't want to do anything too adventurous in an area that I had little experience in. This is my first attempt at trying to get under someone's skin, and I just played on what frightened me. Seems to have worked.

So yea, you can maybe expect a fic based around this whole premise at some point, if I can be arsed to write it and if I can have this effect draw out over a large enough period of time.

Addition: I took your advice. Author's notes are now in the description instead. Hope that makes it better.

Teq

Teq #5 · Oct 9th, 2014 · · ·

5116315 Te Gusta?

Eater-of-Worlds Smooze

Eater-of-Worlds Smooze #6 · Oct 10th, 2014 · · ·

everypony has control over their own mind

his or her*
It's a minor issue, I know. If you don't want to correct it, well, whatever.

Some are stronger than others. Like, some can have large concreate barricades

concrete*
Is the "like" really necessary? It makes the voice seem a bit more preppy, which I'm guessing wasn't the aim. Unless, like, I'm guessing wrong.

He can then begin to talk to you. Not like, talk to you, but influence you.

He can talk to you, but can't talk to you? I think this could be phrased better. Also, the like again.

He will try and stop you eating, exercising, learning.

from*

Don’t look. It’ll only make him angry

Sorry, I thought he wanted me to look. He's the one telling me to, after all. Or am I missing something?

Overall, an interesting story. Certainly a better creepypasta than Jeff the Killer, and a better love story than Twilight. I wasn't particularly frightened, but then again, very few stories have managed to frighten me. I have to say, this was a good read for a less than a thousand word story (As 5116320 stated, and for the reasons he/she stated, the prologue really should be cut out).

Also, the rest of what 5116320 said.

Also also, kek at the chapter title.

Thus saith the Lord!
-Pimp Lord Smooze, Eater of Worlds, Blood God Extraordinaire, Fic Reviewing Master, Connoisseur of Self-Aggrandizement

Teq

Teq #7 · Oct 10th, 2014 · · ·

5121140 Ta very much for the criticism. I'll change anything that needs changing. Most of the points addressed are simply mistakes that come from tiredness.

Thanks chap!

That_Delusional_Pegasus