Many years after the First Equestrian Revolution, Equestria has descended back into chaos. Ponies have scattered across Equestria, towns lay in ruin (or were taken over by a malevolent force that I'll explain about later) and any attempt at a government is crushed before it begins.
That's where my story begins. I won't tell you too much now, as I want you to wait as information is fed to you, but still, I hope you enjoy journeying along side me as the invisible camera that observes my every move. Sortta like a stalker, but less creepy.
Needless to say, I'm spilling my life story out before you, so accept that I can't write at light speed, but I would like some (constructive!) criticism, where you guys feel it's needed. I'm happy to go back and explain my existence in a little more depth for you if that's what you want.
Grim, but an interesting idea for a story. Cannot wait to read more of it and learning the backstory to it all.
4922817 Phew, what a relief! I'm glad you like it. I was more nervous about this one than my last one, as this one has taken a year and a half to write so far! (not just this one chapter, I've got several waiting in the wings). Really glad you liked it. Maybe at some point I'll put out the second chapter. Just need to get round to it.
Thanks for the comment! Grim is what I'm going for, so you get the general idea of the story.
Very good stuff this chapter and just the right length, not to short and not long enough to be boring. Showing the scavengers are actually more organized is interesting, there not exactly raiders from Fallout but more like a modern day army taken to barbarism.
4935207 Mmhm. Glad to see that the chapter wasn't too long. Like I say I just merged two chapters together so there's always a degree of risk in that. I'm pleased you still enjoy the story and I'll probably release the next chapter come next Monday (I have a schedule to keep to now).
Good stuff as always and it should be interesting to see where they go from here. Interesting folks they ended up crashing with, especially the mayor and her brother, sounds like someone we all know. Interesting thning was the bit with Tenner not liking newcomers which for a period of turmoil would be the safest emotion to have.
4975350 Yet again, I'm pleased to see that you like my writing so. It's pretty much from here where things begin to get interesting, and in later chapters you can expect some pretty searching questions and some dangerous scenarios. Glad you liked the Wanderers presented here. Can't think who they sound like.
Good chapter, I can't wait for this fic to pick up.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
5007347 Don't worry, it will soon. There'll be about one more chapter to come before the real hardcore adventuring begins, but that's all to come!
By the way, I love your name!
5007397 Well, my username is actually my OC's short name, but my signature is my OC's long name. My avatar is my OC.
And judging from the fic so far, it is going to be amazing when it picks up.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
5007445 Glad to see your hopes are high! I'm planning to keep this story going for quite a while before finishing with a big crescendo, but you'll have to wait for that.
Crystalline Electrostatic. That's just really fun to say! I guess it appeals to my inner chemist.
5007468 I think it is fun to say too, but then again, we might just be eggheads.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
5007514 That's true!
5007524 fc00.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2014/013/0/2/nerdgasm_by_comeha-d72140i.png
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
Interesting take on Germans if I must say, that Teutonic efficency was done very well. Still think they got into the compound a little to easily though unless its easy to get in, but hard to get out. Love how she got the Stallion to leave her alone, made him pick up and go and confused Wraith to no end.
5009355 Mmm. The idea surrounding LRSA compounds is explained in further detail later on. But yes, that announcement was sort of like a 'spur of the moment' sort of thing. It kind of just came to me as I was writing.
And extreme efficiency is something common amongst the LRSA in generally. I actually love the Germans (and Germany itself), and efficiency is something they do well (just look at them, they have the highest GDP in most of Europe).
And as the song goes "On the road again...". Interesting chapter but I have to ask, is there a portal between Equestria and Earth or were there Nazi's in Equestrias past?
5041750 Yes, they were. If you like, you could read A Train to Equestria, which is itself set in 1940.
I personally like to draw upon real world history for inspiration. That's why these sorts of references appear.
Death and survival in ruins and the rain. Things are heating up a bit.
5075169 They most certainly are! *slowly fades into the darkness as he is enveloped by the horror of his own mind*
Well, interesting. Enough action to keep things interesting and a little bit of the feels to confuse Bucky and Wraith.
5108980 And frig it took me a long time to write!
And I look forward to it every Monday.
5114428 Aww, thanks man!
A day early! Appaerantly the Wanderers operate somewhat better than the other factions and are even willing to aid all factions that show up at there door. And the NSA controls Canterlot, Interesting. Wonder if we will see the place sometime during this story. Only odd bit is someone recognised Bucky, I would have thought she hasn't done enough to warrent any real attention other than sheltering in a wanderer encampment early on.
5132389 These are no ordinary ponies that are following her...
You'll find out later on, but the are some ponies keeping a very close eye on events, and they are very well organised.
And the Wanderers are definitely the most hospitable faction. They see themselves as representations of the old Equestrian values, and try to treat every pony fairly.
The NSA actually originate in Canterlot, which was the first city fortified by the royal guard after the revolution.
Glad to see you enjoy it, and it is actually Monday over here in Blighty! Time zones suck.
Time Zone truly do suck. Especially when flying. Looking forward to the next chapter of the story.
5132638 Good. Hopefully I can get it done on time!
Awkward phrasing. I think you mean your character was encouraged to tell the stranger about your character's life story, but I get that purely from context. The second quote is also a bit awkward to me. I'd just say he looked like a heroin addict. But that's just me.
Redundancy. Assume your reader has had a scar in their life and knows that scars require time to form. Just say that the word "slut" had been cut into her head and had scarred over.
Well, I read the first chapter and I must say that while it seems promising, the execution is rather dry. Have you ever heard of "show, don't tell"? Because there's a lot of telling in the first chapter. As any writer would tell you, the first chapter of your story must be interesting. Some call the first chapter the "hook". This is the chapter where you get people to want to read your story. Even if the rest of your story is god damn amazing, if people close the tab on the first chapter then bye-bye readership.
And I don't mean to be rude, but the first half is pretty damn dry. I had to push myself to get through the backstory. If you've ever watched a movie, read a book, or seen anything with an element of storytelling, you'd know that no one just explains the character's backstory. It always comes through in the character's actions, or as an explanation in dialogue. Here, Bucky breaks the fourth wall and ruins immersion to explain a bunch of backstory that, quite frankly, I don't care about. I don't care about how ordinary her personality is or how she broke a plate or even that sad little orphan experience. I want to be immediately immersed in a gripping tale like that of the second half of the chapter. With that said, after getting through all of the backstory, I could start seeing some potential for the story. You start showing, rather than telling, and the characterization started to ring through.
Also, you may want to look at that paragraph spacing issue, but that's really more of the site's formatting problem than your fault. I get that problem too.
Finally, there's kind of an important issue with what even happens in the first chapter. The scavengers take Bucky as a slave, which I don't have any issue with, and then bring her, as an individual, to a superior officer, who tells Bucky that she is nobody and nothing. If the scavengers want to stomp out the slaves' individual spirit, why would an organization devoted to chaos and the pony version of misanthropy set up a system in which Bucky is specifically addressed by a superior officer? Shouldn't they just gather up all of the slaves and address them as a group? Or better yet, just let their masters deal with them however they want?
I understand that this was a harsh review, but I really do hope it gave you some things to consider for future writing.
-Lord Smooze, Eater of Worlds
5141682 Thank you for the criticism, it is very much appreciated.
Update?
5250765 Yes, I know, I really need to get that done. I'm really sorry that I haven't really done a lot recently, but I'll try to get something up as soon as possible. Sorry.
Finally an update! Actually you did a pretty good job showing proper tactics of street fighting and movement with cover and concealment. Only real issue I had was here throwing away the rifle, even if she didn't like it she could have sold it at a later time and Bucky could also have scrounged up armor and ammo and other gear before wraith had dragged her out of town.
Looking forward to the next update!
5335861 Well it's definitely good to see that I've managed to keep up quality! And it's good to see that I can handle combat well. That's going to be important.
I personally find that carrying around extra weapons (particularly heavy ones like rifles) would be impractical. It would add weight to ones load and take up a lot of free space. This isn't like fallout, where you can carry 15 different weapons, 3 different types of armour, and survive shotgun blasts at point blank range, but I appreciate your comment, as usual.
As for the next chapter, as I said on my main page, it's a lot shorter. It's only a couple thousand words, but I want to keep it that way to add weight to it. Hopefully you'll agree... Come next Monday.
Thanks for commenting as always. Good to see you're still here, more than anything else!
5336860 Fallout isn't a good way of showing off carrying gear, carrying gear is the best way to show off carrying gear. A Pistol isn't large and ammo doesn't take up a lot of room, far less than a rifle, mags, cleaning kit, and the rest but the benefits of range, mag capacity, and reliability far outweigh the benefits of carring only a pistol. I love my 45' but I wouldn't let my life depend on its short range! Thats why I have a Garand and a AR-15!
5336920 Whilst I do have experience with firearms (I've shot various rifles and actually have a marksmanship on a 25m range), living here in the UK somewhat limits frequent firearm usage. We have very tight firearm laws over here, and the only way one could get the full experience is by joining the armed forces (which I don't intend to do at any time soon). I spent my entire early life moving around various RAF bases, and that's not something that I'm keen to repeat.
In any case, I can see what you mean. Personally, my optimum gear combination would be an FN FAL (I absolutely adore that rifle), with a Glock 17 or Smith and Wesson 686 as a side arm, and a machete for up close combat. But, to stop me having to keep track of thirty six thousand different weapons across a small expanse of primary characters, I've split them up into 'Inexperienced shooter who likes pistols because they're easy to use' and 'combat veteran who likes to take on the long range action'. Were it me, I'd always be upgrading my kit to keep me at optimum efficiency, but I don't want all of my characters to become unparalleled heavy combat bad-asses with enough heavy weapons between them to rival an artillery regiment, so I've limited Bucky to pistols and (in certain cases) scavenged weapons.
For now at least...
5337711 Understandable. I can see why you would desire to limit Bucky's arsenal for the reasons given. I just wonder at the characters inability to scavenge at that time. especially when a few minutes earlier she was looking for body armor. A quick run in and grab could probably have netted her quite a few bits of firearms and ammo and armor to sell to bring there wallets to brimming. Of course having been dragged out of town literally seconds after the firefight had ended she would have had a heavy arsenal to carry along. Something your avoiding.
Sorry, did my time in the USAF Security Forces back in the 90's so I'm used to carrying lots of gear and firepower. After the first dozen miles your feet don't notice the weight anymore. I once did a twenty six mile hike with a M-16A2, several belts of ammo for a M-60, and on occasion the M-60 itself as well as a 60 pound pack. Then it sucked, now I look back in fondness of the memory. Weird, huh?
5337740 I know the feeling. I'm no stranger to heavy loads and long walks myself. I've done several military excersises (and some recreational ones) where I've carried a pack easily double my own weight. Granted I'm like a stick anyway, but that only makes things a little tougher. We also had to carry the usual SA80 assault rifles that we Brits are fielding, and they are not light weight rifles. Made even worse by carrying assault webbing and having drunk the worst hot chocolate in the entire world. I swear to god, never drink hot chocolate from a ration pack!
5337772 What? I love MRE Hot Choclate! Hell I love MRE's! I use them when I go camping and Kayaking. Quick and easy, and they fit three into a buttpack on the Bug Out Kit and in my camping gear I usually stash three more in case I honestly don't feel like getting a fire going and cooking.
5338020 Yea, I'm sure the stuff you get is fine. Over here, we literally call our food 'Rat Packs'. Admittedly that's because it's short for ration pack, but the general rule is: Anything with chicken is shit, and anything with beef is okay. Really it's all the same thing, some sick in a silver bag. They sure know how to treat her Majesty's forces to fine cuisine!
5338450 Ever try Swiss or German meals? Those are good eating!
5338457 I would imagine they are! I tend to enjoy anything that the Germans make. They're just such a great country!
5338459 Good gear and weapons and the beer is amazing when its cold. The food on the otherhand is something I can take or leave. Prefer Italian myself. I actually own a German Zweihander sword made for killing calvary that I got in Germany a while back. Got to keep on it though, black iron rusts fst. I use it when I do court in the SCA. Prefer my Windlass Viking Sword though.
5338702 Mmm. I mostly love the Germans for their chemical industry, but that's probably just the chemist in me.
Short, very short chapter but a important one I think in figuring out Wraith's motives. Bucky was in a cell with her homemade hat probably reminds him of the girl he lost. What I find odd is why the Scavengers only offered him a cap and not any of the others. Unless they saw something in him they liked. Wraith is trying to save the girl he failed to save before. Thats his motivation. As for the rest, yeah, I think it might be interesting to see what has become of Ponyville in the last years that has gone by. Hard to believe it might have grown into a city though.
Well a time frame finally. Three generations if by going by his name he's a descendant of Pinkie Pie. Also adds a little something to the Applejack/Big Mac duo from a earlier chapter.As for the mannequins please don't tell me there bodys that have been preserved. That would be pretty creepy. Nice to see Bucky has finally picked up a rifle too. Better than a pistol any day of the week.
Called it! I knew the ponyquins were ponys! Perky I think survived and will be tracking our intrepid duo. He seems the type. So we have descendants of the Apples who showed up earlier, a descendant of Pinkie, with a bit of Rarity thrown in. Maybe they both had kids and they got hitched? And Wraith is finally going to get new clothes that won't get them shot at every opportunity. The real interesting thing is that Bucky finally has begun to have a plan. And a call back for Mystery. Kind of forgot about that little plot point but how far away are the pair now from that cell?
5969541 Half way across the country. About. Still, it's good to have little motivators to keep you going. Anxiety levels in this world would be through the roof most of the time, so keeping a goal in sight would help to keep that under control somewhat.
Wait, seriously? He followed them into the Scavengers camp?
6336093 He follows...
6336359 I have a feeling he has been within those walls before. Its almost sad to see Ponyville is in such a state though and I love the bit about a Cult of Discord. Seems very Scavenger in fact they would deify him. Makes you wonder what happened to him, and the Princess's. Its been a while but did we ever find out what happened to them?