It's hard when you're alone. It's harder when you're alone and constantly picked on. Scootaloo's lost all faith in ponykind. A dark and troubled past drives her to the most extreme of measures.
The first fanfic I've felt confident enough to submit. I would appreciate if you could point out any spelling or grammatical mistakes. There may be a few (I often write late at night), but hopefully not many. If you do plan to leave criticism, the constructive kind is appreciated. If you don't like this kind of story, don't comment. It doesn't help anyone and just gets annoying. Alternatively, if you must leave a comment, leave it in a civil and constructive manor.
Immerse yourself in the story and travel through my twisted mind. Scootaloo's feeling down and you get to follow her as she plummets down the pit of despair.
Chapters marked with a ~ are flashback chapters. These are not essential to the story, but are there to clarify certain things that people are bugging me about. You can just read all of the non-marked chapters and still get the full story in the modern setting, but if something's not quite clear to you then reading the flashback chapters will hopefully clear that up. (If not, let me know in a nice way. Don't be rude!)
Warning: Comments section may contain spoilers!
First!
This was so okay it was average.
I mean, technicals are good.
You've just gotta get de flow and de reddem down now zebruh bruddah.
But seriously, drag the brakes a bit. It was over before I was even beginning to get into it!
4919195 Thanks for the feedback! This was my first fic, so I appreciate it may not be perfect. I do have a second chapter on the go, based more around the theme of her recovery. It just depends on whether you want to see that. If you want I could make this several chapters longer. I'm flexible.
But seriously, thanks for the comment. It's always appreciated and I'm glad you thought it was okay!
I liked this. It was short, bitter-sweet, and to the point. I just can't imagine Apple Bloom, of all ponies, betraying her like that. I would have used an old friend that Scootaloo had gotten into a fight with. Maybe her and Silver Spoon used to be friends as foals, but got into a big fight and broke ties?
Still, very nice. Although, I agree with DJ Phycholoo, you could have paced it better.
4919417 Daaw, thanks. That means a lot.
Yea, I expect that lots of people will have a problem with my pacing. I often write late at night when I don't really think and just write what comes to me. Thanks for the positive feedback, it's a real confidence booster!
But yea, as I said to DJ Psycholoo, I can add a sequel if that's what you guys are interested in. If so, please drop a comment because I've got one in the works, it just needs finalising. I didn't want to post it initially because I wasn't sure how well this one would do, but it seems to be doing well and people keep complaining that it's short (so maybe a second chapter?
)
Thanks for the comment and keep doing whatever it is you guys do! I never expected to get this much attention so quickly and it's really phenomenal!
...Yeah, I'll just stop questioning everything from now on.
4919455 Mission Accomplished
Back to the looney bin!
4919162 why waste your time saying first it seems really stupid
4919919 I'm inclined to agree. It is a rather pointless activity, but whatever makes people happy.
(Seriously though, can we not start a row about it? I want to keep the comments neat and tidy and avoid flame wars where possible. Thankyou!)
Well, personally I didn't like the whole plot of the story. (The near death experience, Scootaloo is going to kill herself because the world sucks bit, then Sweetie Belle saving the day and-what-not making up for it; I've seen a lot of these but what do you expect.) Generally I enjoyed your writing, the little bits of detail you added with Scootaloo's home. Though it's not much it's always appreciated. Still, it's kickass of you to post your story for all to see, it can be overwhelming for some, I know It was for me. Regardless keep up the good work.
4920496 Thanks for the feedback, chap!
Yea, I can understand what you're talking about with the story. It's the sort of thing that's seen a lot, but it happens (I think). I'm glad you like my writing style, as I always like to go into useless detail and sometimes I worry that I'm going on a bit (I probably am now).
Yea, for me it wasn't so overwhelming, more along the lines of panicked anticipation as I got my first view, my first like, my first follower, my first comment. All of that stuff that all happened so fast!
I'm gonna shut up now, but again thanks for the comment. It's good to see you liked it, if not for the story then for the writing!
I dunno. I'd help more if I had my computer running.
Generally I wouldn't skip over the length of time between her suspension and her attempted suicide. You lost a lot of my interest by just stating that she cut herself and went as far as breaking her own bones.
4920888 Right, okay. It's good to get some specific feedback. I'll take a look at it and maybe in a few days I'll have an updated version for you to try out. Thanks for the criticism; I'm always looking to improve as a writer.
4920888 There you go. Something to keep you guys busy until I make a more finalised version. I've added a few paragraphs into the time zone between suspension and masochism, but like I say I still want to take a more in depth look at this at some point. Consider this my thanks for commenting and helping me to improve. I hope you all enjoy the extra 500 or so words.
Some good stuff here. Two flaws,one AB turns on Scoots and we are not given a reason or anything? And two;ponies don't have phones, that kinda broke it a bit for me. But a sweet/sad story, overall good job.
Similar problem as the last chapter, you've made Rarity ooc to avoid having to deal with her in the narrative you want: scoots all alone. Rarity would not purposely ignore scootaloo after she found out scoots was sucidal, if anything it'd be the opposite.
4921880 Righty ho. Thanks for the comment. I suppose it could do with a little more in-depth explanation. I have my reasons, but I just haven't expressed them very well and I appreciate that. Still, I do hope you enjoyed the fic and that you continue to enjoy it as updates are made.
4921880 And by the way:
Robot Devil is best robot
4921856 One thing you need to know about me is that I base stories against a real life timeline. If it's set in a modern era, they have telephones (and guns and democracy). But, if it detracts too much from the story I'll have a think about it. Still, glad you thought it was good.
4921069
No worries. I hit the same issues with SIDEQUEST.
4922438 Mmm. It is a tricky balance; trying to maintain an air of the original show whilst trying to implement more modern themes. I have my own theory that suggests the show does take place on a real life timeline, but I won't bore you with that!
4923114
PFFFT. Judging by markers, Equestria is a post technological singularity if not scarcity society.
I.e. radically beyond us in terms of technology.
I just meant pacing and hiding certain things from view llike a month of rape and torture. The end result of not showing certain formative events in the main character's life lead to people not understanding her as a sociopath.
4923726 Right. Well, for a society streets ahead of out own, it seems dreadfully inefficient (for example, why have trains pulled by ponies when a bullet train or underground metro system would be far more cost effective, not to mention a lot quicker). Just small knit picks and not worth getting the steel comb out for.
But yes, I do understand. Like I say, I want to make an overhaul and seriously add to this, but I've recently posted one of my other fics and I'm juggling between the two now. Still, I'll get onto it soon and have an updated version for you. Good to see you're still here, I promise I am working on it!
4922208 Thanks. I'm actually partial to hedonism bot, (I regret nothing). The phone isn't that big of a deal, the ooc stuff is.
4923760
Necessity is the mother of invention. As we've seen in the show pegasi are more than capable of carrying most freight. Which is even more efficient. We've only seen trains used for pulling ponies, which means they only need to be faster than any other vehicle.
They also have internal and external combustion alongside adaptive terraforming!
Remember the constants of fiction.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic, and any properly explained magic is indistinguishable from science!
4924131 Right. Maybe at some point I'll get round to explaining that. Just give me some time to get my stuff sorted and I'll get on it. Don't expect anything any time soon, as I may have to write it as a completely separate chapter. Just hang in there and I'll have something for you soon.
4924154 Magic is cheating. Science is the way forward!
Or perhaps that's just me being an ignorant chemist? I dunno. I suppose that various technologies would be nullified by the adaptations of wings and horns, however I do believe that certain aspects could be made more efficient (love that word).
For example, it is quite evident that Equestria is not the sole nation of this world. For example, we have the land of the changelings, the land of the dragons and so on. It has become evident (particularly in the case of the changelings) that there are foreign threats to the country. What I want to know is why it does not seem to have a dedicated military or police force? The Royal Guards are all well and good, but say the changelings attack Manehattan. Are you going to send your entire Guard half way across the country to fight them, leaving your capital vulnerable? And is there actually a dedicated law system? It is an inherent function of society that where there is opportunity, there is crime. No civilisation can be crime free without anything short of mind control or having only three citizens, so logically Equestria should possess a police force of some kind, if only as a precaution. I know that it's a world based around the virtues of love and tolerance, but surely there must be examples of espionage, infringement of copyright, patents issued. Without an effective law system this sort of thing is useless and it's a wonder that Equestria isn't rampant with duplicated products re branded and sold under a different name!
I don't know. That's my opinion. I could well be wrong and maybe I do not put enough faith in the ability of these ponies to love and tolerate, but hey.
4924405
But we're given evidence of a military force existing off-screen. I'm sure such things exist, but like the tanks we've had mentioned/described and their knowledge of nuclear energy we've observed, it won't be expounded upon within the purview of the show itself.
Worldbuilding takes a little inferring sometimes.
4924405
Also why are you writing if you don't know Clarke's Law and the related corollary?
4924694 I don't know.
I propose we stop; it is flooding the comments (and as you say I'm not best familiar with the topic). I appreciate my views may be unfounded or lack official backing or research, but that's the magic of fiction and interpretation.
The world is designed for small children. I honestly doubt they put that much thought into it when they were writing. This argument (I don't like that word. Can we say 'one sided debate'?) has gone on for too long. I appreciate your opinions, but if we could now cease using my comments section as a discussion board that would be very much appreciated.
Many thanks.
It isn't that the story is not good, it's just that I think that the two chapters may have been better if they were maybe together as one. I'm not the biggest fan of the female foal + female foal sort of thing. It's a well made story though and look forward to see more of your work in the future.
4926659 Mmm. Well, I suppose it isn't for everyone. Sorry it wasn't exactly 'up to standard' so to speak. The two chapters are separate because they occur a week apart from each other. Also, I would be mixing messages. The first chapter is an attempt to set a depressing atmosphere before concluding with an uplifting final message. The second chapter works in reverse. It begins uplifting, as it appears Scootaloo is recovering, but as the chapter goes on you realise she's still not doing very well and still needs helping before she can fully recover.
That's my explanation for it anyway. Again, thanks for the comment, but I personally disagree with you on the whole chapter alignment thing. I'm not trying to be rude, just prove to you why the chapters are ordered in the way they are.
Ps. If that was the only thing (+the fillyfooling) I question your decision to read it. It is made apparently clear at the start of the second chapter how it is a lot more heavily ship based, so if you don't like that sort of thing why did you persist in reading it? I dunno, just beats me is all. I appreciate this kind of story isn't for everyone, but if you know you're not going to like it why bother reading it? And one more thing, they're both sixteen. I don't know if that constitutes as foal on foal, but here in the UK that's the legal consent age so I don't think it is (yes, I'm using British rules here).
This is a really good story.....I can feel the emotions being put into it. I felt the heartache of Scootaloo in the first chapter really well. The second chapter did a good job of raising hopes up and then crushing them. I love the little fillyfooling you showed in Chapter 2 and crushed it when saying "It won't happen again." Which I'm sure is not the case seeing the romance tag. I love it when someone attempts the dream realm in a story. It always puts more depth into the feeling and situation. I think this is one of the better dark/sad stories I've read in awhile and I really can't wait to see the future chapters. Plus the "teenage concept" of Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo makes the story more believable and helped the clear image of everything that's happening. Really good work, man.
4929380 Awwwww, that put a tear in my eye! (in a good way)
I'm really glad you liked it. Thank you so much for the positive feedback, it really means a lot to me in ways you wouldn't believe. I'm glad what I was attempting to do has come through, because what is a writer who can't express themselves?
I'm gonna shut up now, but I'm sure to sleep well tonight. Thank you so much!
4929777 I completely agree "how does a writer work without expressing themselves." And may you sleep well tonight.
4929895 Thank you, sir, for expressing your interest. I wish you luck with anything you go on to do.
4929905 As for you, my friend.
This clarified nothing!
4940059 Well excuse me! I'm just trying to help ya know.
4940075
It didn't feel like it added anything.
4940154 What it was supposed to do was help to clarify why Apple Bloom behaved in the way she did (what with betraying Scoots and all that). On top of that, it added the idea that Scootaloo herself had pushed Apple Bloom away, instead of what was originally perceived as malice. It was, in fact, Apple Bloom attempting to act in Scootaloo's best interests, however she eventually felt she couldn't shoulder the responsibility any longer.
What it added, in my opinion at least, was an insight into how Scootaloo became the thing she was. It highlights a key moment where she began to feel truly alone in the world and is a turning point for her.
Hope that helped. Next time I would phrase your comments a little better, as initially I was quite offended (unless that was the point, in which case keep such comments to yourself).
4940179
Move it to the beginning and you'll achieve a better literary flow.
I for one am glad you clarified what happend between AB and Scoots, espescially since I bugged you about it in the first place. You do a great job showing that Scoots isn't sad, she's clinicnally depressed, (also great authors note about that topic).
As for appleblooms behavior...I still don't fully buy she would ever abandon her friend, but I also get that that is part of your story. You still don't explain how she went from abandonding scoots to joining the chourus making fun of her...but I guess wecan fill in that blank. All in all great addition in my opinion.
4941506 Thank you very much, sir. Good to see that I've clarified that for you.
Yes, the whole 'Apple Bloom joins the bad guys' thing is a separate back story that occurs later on, and is actually set quite close to the events of the first chapter. It's really the thing that tips her over the edge. It's quite a big part of the story, and I've got a few ideas for other, slightly lesser back stories until then to try and set the mood, but all in all I'm glad that this clarified things (and yes, the author's notes were serious, because I'm aware that it can cause problems).
4940993 As for you, sir, the whole point of the flashback chapters is that they occur between events, to provide a light relief and give an insight into key events that weren't explained very well on my part. Coming up at some point will also be an explanation of Rarity's behaviour, but I have a few other chapters to release before then.
If you don't like the way the chapters are ordered, which is understandable, then read them in chronological order as opposed to the order I've put them in. I understand that you may think it doesn't flow phenomenally into this chapter, but that's because it's set several years back and is intended to relieve you from the main story so you can come back with a clearer mind. If you go through all of ~ chapters in order, then the regular ones (also in order), then you'll achieve a chronological timeline.
Sorry if this came off as a bit rude, it honestly was not my intention, but outlined now are some of the reasons why the chapter is where it is. I hope this doesn't have too much of an effect.
Very nice, there are a lot of ways to react to depression & suicide attempt and I think this does a good job of displaying one of the possibilities. Depression is ugly & suicide attempts don't go away, I still have problems -nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks,etc.- 3 years on from my last attempt.
4953695 Wow, well thanks for enjoying my story.
I'm sorry to hear about your past. It's never an easy thing to go through, but I hope that you've got plenty of nice people there to support you and you're on the mend (I assume you are). It is a very sad thing, and the saddest part is the fact that it happens on a daily basis, but so long as someone's got the support they need they can recover over time.
I'm willing to talk if you need it, but all in all I'm glad you seem okay (granted with some PTSD still clinging on), and that you liked my work. I should say now that I've never been depressed, nor have I ever attempted suicide, and nor do I know anyone particularly close to me that has. I just like to write about this sort of thing, and it's good to see that people enjoy it.
I wish you the best of luck with your future, and I hope you continue to get the support you need.
4953751 Thank you I'm actually doing mostly good this month, just a ugly week with the kicker of seeing a guy on the verge of jumping off a bridge -he did eventually get talked down, but driving right past it was mildly traumatizing- left me in kind of a sad spot. Fortunately I was able to have a few drinks -and half a pack of smokes- last night so things are a little better.
4956457 That's good to hear. Just keep your eyes on the horizon and try to remain positive. Try and keep your spirits up and be thankful for the support you have.
Still a good story. I'm glad to see things going good for Scootaloo and I can't wait to see how you proceed with this story.