Chapter 2
Twilight pulled open the door, smiling as she let her inside. “Hi, Fluttershy. Felt you coming, with how strong that spell is. Guess it’s time, huh?”
Fluttershy trotted into the library, scuffing her hooves slightly as she went. She gave Twilight a half-lidded smile. What a good friend. “Hi, Twilight. Thanks f’everything.”
“We’re going to get you set up in the lab again,” she said, opening the door thusly. As they trotted down the steps—Twilight following closely so that Fluttershy could lean her weight onto her—the setup looked nearly the same as it had last week when she’d suddenly passed out, with one key difference. The rigid wooden table from before had been replaced with Twilight’s spare bed, plush and quilted and warm. Fluttershy felt the strength leave her knees at the mere thought of laying down on the soft mattress and taking a quick little nap. Luckily, Twilight was right there to catch her before she tumbled down the steps.
“I’ll have you hooked up to all the machines, in order to track your status, but otherwise I’ll keep things nice and quiet here so as not to disturb you.” Reaching the bottom of the steps, she turned to Fluttershy and bit her lip. “If... If something bad should happen, during the spell...”
“S’ok,” Fluttershy said with a smirk, her eyes blinking independent of one another. “I c’n stop the spell, if I wanna. Think so. He said that, anyway.” The bed looked oh-so-inviting right now.
“He? The human?”
“Nah. S’mepony else.” She clambered over to the bed and started helping herself into it. Such a warm and fluffy bed.
Sighing and shaking her head, Twilight Sparkle gave her a hoof, helped tucked her in, and connected a few wires to a maneband and some hoof bracelets that she put on her. “I’ll be down here, just to keep an eye on things, okay?” When no reply came, she smiles and brushed Fluttershy’s mane off of her face. “Good luck, Fluttershy.”
“Thanks,” she mumbled back before drifting away.
Twilight stared down upon Fluttershy’s sleeping form. She could feel magic seeping into the room from unknown vectors, washing over Fluttershy’s form, pulsing with a gentle rhythm. Her entire form went slack, save for a serene smile and the gentle twitching beneath her eyelids.
Turning to her printouts, Twilight Sparkle studied the fluctuations in the line graph. Her horn glowed with an aura of its own, sensing the pulses of invading energies. She touched her nose just underneath Fluttershy’s jawline, furrowing her brow as she searched for a pulse. And she sighed. “Normal.” Twilight trotted over to the nearby workbench, flipped open her copy of Finnegans Whinny to the bookmarked page, and glanced over the edge of the binding. Fluttershy slept. With a gentle shrug, Twilight Sparkle began to read.
Not more than an hour had passed before the aura finally faded, like air from a balloon, rapid and ungraceful. Twilight looked up from her book just as Fluttershy’s eyelids blinked open. Smiling warmly, Twilight set down her book and trotted to the bedside. “Welcome back, Fluttershy. How was—”
Springing upright in bed, Fluttershy spun to look at Twilight, her pupils the size of pinpricks. “Rarity! I need Rarity!” Lunging with both forehooves, she grabbed Twilight about the withers and pulled her muzzle-to-muzzle before wailing, “Now!”
“Millions of them!” Fluttershy shivered and clung close to Rarity, her face buried deep in the curls of her mane. “And they know everything about us. Absolutely everything!”
“Shh, shh shh.” Rarity quietly shushed her friend, running a gentle hoof along her mane. “It’s alright, dear. You’re safe now. Back home in Ponyville.”
“You don’t understand,” she moaned, squeezing Rarity tighter. “He said they’d seen all kinds of stories about us: fighting Chrysalis, visiting the Crystal Empire, your sleepover with Twilight and Applejack...” She leaned back and looked up at Rarity, her face a blank mask. “They could be watching us. Right now!”
Rarity frowned at that, clicking her tongue. “That does seem rather inappropriate.”
“Unlikely.” Back behind one of her large science machines, Twilight was busy collecting all of her data readouts and spreadsheets as one big bundle of paper. “At least, not this very second. Given how unrefined this one mind-link spell is, I’m pretty sure I’d notice a million clairvoyance spells.” After wiping the sweat off her brow with a hoof, she fanned herself with one of her pie charts. “Though that raises the question of how he’d know about a sleepover between just us three girls. Perhaps they somehow intercepted my friendship reports to the princess, and wrote some sort of novelization loosely based—”
Rarity cleared her throat. “I’m certain that we can speculate on that little privacy breach at a better time,” she said, offering the slightest emphasis to the last words. Smiling back at Fluttershy, she continued, “But it seems safe to say that you’re a bit of a celebrity over there, no?”
She frowned, a light crease at her brow. “I… guess so.”
“Am I mistaken?”
Fluttershy’s mouth hung open for a few seconds. “I mean. No, you’re right. I suppose that all of us are… a bit famous.” She brought her hoof up to her chin, rubbing back and forth against it. “It’s just, I don’t think that’s why he chose me. He did mention that he had thought about casting that spell on the rest of you girls.”
Rarity jolted her head back, scoffing thrice. “I should think not! You have been more than accommodating with this ‘human’, Fluttershy, but I have no intention of letting him… touch minds with me, on his whim!” Huffing, she ran a hoof through her mane. “Honestly, now. Doesn’t your friend have any manners?”
Fluttershy hid her giggling behind a hoof. “It’s okay, Rarity. He changed his mind.”
“Why’s that?” asked Twilight. She emerged from the back, floating a tome of paper beside her, and made her way to Fluttershy’s bedside. “Why single you out?”
“Well, he said…” Blushing, Fluttershy played around with the sheets beneath her hooves, smoothing and crumpling them in turn. Still, she knew she had to spit it out, before Rarity drew her own conclusions. “He said I was very kind. And forgiving. And a good friend.” She looked down at her hooves and shrugged. “And he wished that he could be kinder too, so… he was hoping that he could learn. From me.”
Inevitably, Twilight and Rarity let out a chorus of “aww”s at this. Fluttershy squirmed, uncomfortable with so much attention being showered upon her. And yet… she felt a warm tingle in her cheeks.
“Well, I for one can think of no better teacher.” Rarity placed a hoof on Fluttershy’s shoulder, and after a moment, won a small smile from her.
“I’m still really hesitant over the whole idea. But,” said Twilight, scratching at her neck, “if we think of it more like some sort of cultural exchange… And after all, he’s asking to learn about kindness, and friendship. We’re sort of obligated to help those in need.”
“Mmm.” Fluttershy shook her head, smiling gently. “I’m helping him because I want to. We haven’t talked that much, but I have a feeling. He’s kinder than he thinks,” she says, tilting his head. “He just needs help to… live it?”
Twilight blinked. “You mean, like ‘practicing what you preach’?”
She shrugged, smile unwavering. “Something like that.” And then the smile wavered, hard. Sitting upright, she turned to speak to Rarity, but then her mouth snapped shut.
Rarity frowned, leaning in closer beside her friend. “Do you…” she murmured, sotto voce.
“Twilight?” Fluttershy asked, half-smiling and half-wincing. “I’m terribly sorry. I don’t mean to impose on you, but I’m a little bit thirsty. Could—”
“Oh! Of course, of course,” said Twilight with chagrin. “I’m sorry, I should have thought of how much of a toll that much magical energy would put on you.” She made her way up the stairs to the main level, calling down, “I’ll be back down with some tea in a few minutes. You girls just make yourself comfortable.”
Both ponies followed Twilight with their eyes, until the upstairs door closed with a soft click. Rarity immediately turned to Fluttershy and leaned closer, whispering conspiratorially. “What? What is it? Did something else happen?”
Fluttershy nodded, biting her lip.
“Something bad?” asked Rarity; Fluttershy shook her head. “Good?” She hesitated, then shrugged. “Come, dear, spit it out. You’ve got me on pins and needles!”
“It’s…” Scrunching up her face, Fluttershy turned away until her face was sufficiently hidden by mane. “He knows.”
“Knows? What does he…” Rarity’s eyes grew wide with dawning realization, and she gasped. “No! He knows about—” She shot a quick glance upstairs, ensuring that the door was still closed, then quickly proceeded to pantomime sticking a cupcake into her eye. “Fluttershy, I swear to you, I did not breathe a word! To anypony!”
She shook her head, still hiding behind a wall of pink. “No, I know you didn’t. He um… He sort of likes to matchmake, I guess? Sort of like how you like to predict all the latest celebrity couples in Canterlot. So… when he…”
“Oh.” Rarity put a gentle hoof on her back. “When he predicted that you and R… that the two of you were an item, and when you reacted…”
Fluttershy nodded somberly. “He wasn’t even that good of a guesser,” she mumbled, though it gave way to a weak chuckle. “Some of his guesses were just silly. I mean, he told me that the guess he was most proud of was Twilight, together with Princess Celestia.” She chuckled again, shaking her head. “Could you imagine? The two of them, in love with each other?”
Rarity’s body went rigid, and she shot another glance at the upstairs door—still closed. “Y-Yes! Positively absurd. I talk with Twilight frequently, so believe me, she has told me that such a thing would never come to be. Ah… all the same, it would probably be best if you didn’t mention that to anypony else. At all. Wouldn’t want ponies getting the wrong idea, would we?”
“I suppose not,” was Fluttershy’s sullen reply. She stared down at her hooves.
Frowning, Rarity waited for a moment, letting the silence fall across the conversation. After a moment, she prodded. “So. What now?”
“Nothing, really,” she said with a half-hearted shrug. “He felt bad for embarrassing me, even though it was an accident. So, he apologized, and we dropped it, and…” Fluttershy shrugged again. “We talked about other things.”
“Fluttershy.” Rarity leveled her gaze. “I can understand your panic then, having one’s private feelings brought out onto display. But you wouldn’t be bringing this up to me now unless there was a reason for it.” When Fluttershy looked away, twirling her mane with a hoof, Rarity continued, “Would you like to know what I think?”
She hesitated a moment, then nodded. Rarity was a good friend. Fluttershy was lucky to have several good friends.
“I think you want him to know,” she said, raising her hoof to quell Fluttershy’s hyperventilating before it had a chance to start, “for the same reason you asked yours truly to carry your secret: because at the rate you’re going, you’re never going to confess to her.” She flashes Fluttershy a confident smirk. “Sometimes, you just need a set of hooves in your back to give you that extra push. Or, I suppose in his case, claws.” Frowning, she tapped a hoof to her chin. “Paws? Legs.”
“Rarity,” pleased Fluttershy, her eyes growing the slightest bit moist, “I can’t tell her! You know why I can’t—”
“I know all of the excuses you have made for yourself.” Calm and gentle, Rarity took up a few locks of Fluttershy’s mane with her hooves, brushing it out and separating it into braids. “And I know all the things you are afraid of. Despite all this, I’ve told you time and again that you should tell her. She has the right to know your feelings, darling.”
Fluttershy tried to resist for a moment, but Rarity knew her way around a makeover, and soon the tension drained from her muscles. Still, a nugget of uncertainty weighed down upon her. “Do you think he can even help, though? How would he?” Her ear flicked of its own accord. “He’s not in Equestria, I mean.”
“He sees it,” Rarity said as she twisted the loose braids between one another. “You said that even before he properly met you, he knew that you and she would be a match for one another. Isn’t that enough? That he believes in you.”
Believes. The word echoed around in Fluttershy’s head. He believed that they had a chance. Rarity did too, certainly. It was sweet enough, and she certainly appreciated it, but… Wishing only gets a pony so far. Some things in life were possible, and some things were not. Fluttershy had made peace with reality, with her lot in life. It was fine. She didn’t need to ask for more.
A creaking sound from upstairs and the sound of hooves resonating through the tree signalled the end of their conversation. Fluttershy trusted that Twilight wouldn’t tell, but all the same, secrets are easier to keep, the fewer ponies who know them. Plus it would be so embarrassing for yet another pony to learn her secret, and she’d had enough embarrassment for today. So they drank tea while Twilight asked a few more questions and took her measurements. Once Rarity had finished braiding her mane, it was about time for the three of them to get back to the rest of their day. As the three of them climbed the stairs to the ground level, Fluttershy gave one last lingering look to the bed.
What if she could ask for more?
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Yes... after all this time it's finally here. This takes me back, pav.
Huh. Apparently that's a thing.
5114812
That's the one. I didn't want to toss the hyperlink up in the story description, in the off chance that the story had bombed or attracted any flaming.
As it stands, the story is probably merely resigned to obscurity.
5115105
...I apologize, but it's not very well written. You're doing a lot of thing as a writer that are kind of annoying, and make for a disjointed read. A few examples:
Chapter 1:
What name? You never actually say. You state that she says a name and then abandon it and start talking about something else. It's rarely a good idea to open a chapter with an incomplete thought that leaves us wondering just what happened. Especially if you never explain it.
Why are you repeating yourself?
...and that would be what? I have no idea what sort of "presence" a doctor would have while informing a patient that their wing would be in a cast. I'm not even sure if that's the word you intended. Presence? Really? Because I can infer that a doctor in that situation might be, for example...sympathetic. Or reserved and hesitant, concerned that the patient might not take it well. Or maybe gentle, because he knows how important wings are to a pegasus. Or maybe stern, because he'd had too many patients beak their wing a second time because they didn't listen very well.
But presence? As in, the degree to which he draws focus? This metaphor falls completely flat.
Here's another thing: be aware of how many time indicator you use. Here are a few:
...it's like every paragraph has 2-3 references to when something happened, how long it happened for, or the time relation its happening had to other events. The above isn't even a complete list. Just doing a word search in addition to the above, I count 12 instances of you saying that something happened before something, 8 instances of something happening after something, and 9 instance of something happening while something else happened. Why are you doing this so much?
Look at all the times you needlessly add "now" to the end of sentences. How are you feeling now? I'm feeling ok now. I'm well rested now. None of these add anything except a distraction because you're doing it so often. Sometimes 2-3 times in a paragraph. If somebody simply asks you "How are you feeling?" it's understood that they want to know how you're feeling now, rather than how you were feeling last week. Why do you keep specifying?
Or, consider this sentence:
Seriously? Three time indicators in a single sentence? A bit? A moment? A while? You have a massive preoccupation with telling us when things happen, and it's really weird. Especially since none of those time references add anything. If you'd simply said "The two stared at each other in silence," that would have read much better than telling us how long they did, let alone telling us three times.
Another problem: you regularly mix run on sentences with sentence fragments. Either alone is a problem, and you're doing both. And worse, very often your sentence fragments don't make much sense. For example:
Run-on sentence following by a sentence fragment that doesn't make sense in the context of the previous sentence. To do what you're doing, the word "normally" needs to relate to the previous sentence. It doesn't. What is it that is "normally" the case, and where does it occur in the previous sentence?
"He didn't have any coat...normally?" No.
"He was like a pig...normally?" No.
"He walked on two legs...normally?" No.
"He was like Discord of Spike...normally?" No.
Are you saying that pigs normally don't have coats, but sometimes do? I don't think so.
Are you saying that Discord and Spike normally walk on two legs, but sometimes don't? I don't think so.
What is it that the sentence fragment "normally" is intended to refer to? I don't know. It's not clear. You have this sort of thing going on fairly often. Random single word or incomplete sentences that don't seem to relate to anything.
I apologize if I seem harsh. Many of the things you're doing that I feel detract from the story aren't even incorrect. Some are, yes. But many aren't. These aren't spelling or grammatical errors. They're stylistic habits you have that are distracting and weird. For example, read this:
"Bob walked into the store and perused the aisles. Finding a jar of apples he liked, Bob went to the cashier to pay.
"Hello, Bob," the cashier smiled.
"Hi, Karen," Bob replied.
After paying for the apples, Bob left the store and went home. Bob's house was a modern, two bedroom detached house that he was very fond of. So was Bob's mother. And Bob's sister. Bob's cat also liked Bob's house because Bob let him run around and play in the living room while Bob watched."
What do you notice about this that's strange? The word "Bob" appears in every single sentence, sometimes even more than once. is that incorrect? No. But it's distracting. It's odd. There's no reason for it. You have a lot of little "theme" habits like this in your writing.
For example, did you realize that in chapter 2 you have twenty four ellipses? Under 2400 words, meaning you have an ellipsis more often than every hundred words. That's not incorrect. There's nothing wrong with it. But it's like having the word "Bob" appear in every sentence. Why are you doing it? While we're at it, chapter 1 has twenty four dashes. Which means that roughly - to be somewhat imprecise - every fifteen sentences contains a parenthetical interruption. Not that there's anything -in my humble opinion and that of many other editors - technically wrong with that. But it does lead me to ask - as with many of your other stylistic choices - why exactly you're doing it. Do you see how - now that you're reading somebody else doing it - it's a bit distracting?
It's not technically incorrect. But why are you doing it?
Your writing has a lot of weird little habits like this.
I like this
5117063
First off, thanks for all the pointers. Some of the presentation was needlessly aggressive, like the wall of 25 quotes in a row, but nevertheless you do bring up a lot of excellent points. I know that I've been grappling with ellipsis and emdash abuse, but I hadn't been mindful at all about the time indicators. That's another good one to watch out for.
I still feel like I could defend a few of these points, all the same. Regarding the opening with Fluttershy saying The Human's name, or with that sentence fragment you referenced with "He walked on two legs...normally? Yes," I feel fine with foreshadowing in this manner. I prefer to have faith that my readers are smart people; they can recognize that information is missing and therefore wait a few paragraphs to get their answer. As for something like the repetition of "Exactly as it should be," the emphasis is important. In my mind, once is a nonchalant statement of fact. Twice alerts the reader that FS considers this abnormal, or at least reason for concern.
All said though, authorial style is a two-way street, and you've given me a lot to think about for the next chapter. Thanks again for your time!
I like it. Shame it's been over a year since the last update. I may or may not be affiliated with the Hypnoponies community.
6515208
Never say never though. This was an interesting premise and (as you can probably understand) a personal tale, so I should think about dusting this off at some point.
Like so many of my fics.
7016477
7016479
I wouldn't be qualified to teach others, given that it's been years, and even back then I was comparatively a novice. Even then, keep in mind that this is just a novelization based on my own personal experiences. I did get actively involved in the hypnosis and tulpa communities, and that did impact my life in a big way, but this story's angle of "what if it actually was a portal to Equestria?" is purely fiction.
That said, I really should revisit this fic at one point. It was intended to be a sort of homage to what those experiences meant to me, but right now (through the fictionalized lens), we only have the "what it is". Given where the story cuts off, I haven't covered the "what it meant to me" bits. Some day.