Something Deeper

by Midnight Bloom

Chapter 2

Twilight ran around the library, organising books and papers, straightening
everything. Twilight couldnʼt make up her mind. There was a war raging inside the
unicorn. She was the princessʼ student, but she wanted to be more than that. She felt it
was wrong, she was the princess, and was supposed to be respected not lusted after by
ponies below her. The princess raised the sun and commanded very powerful magic,
she wasnʼt a pony that could loved by just anypony. Twilight adored the princess, she
was beautiful, powerful, and had a kind heart, but Twilight was one of her subjects, she
was to be respected. Both her crush on the princess and the task of giving the princess
the respect she deserved fought for control of Twilight. Neither side seemed to win and
Twilight just became more and more confused when she thought about it, so she
shoved it down, hiding it from herself.

In an effort to distract herself from her mixed feelings, Twilight busied herself with
cleaning the library, making everything perfect. Still her thoughts turned to the princess.
Then mercifully Spike walked down the stairs interrupting her thoughts.

“Twilight, itʼs getting late; if you stay up all night worrying about tomorrow, youʼll
be a wreck.” He said yawning.

“Maybe youʼre right.” She said with a sigh, not letting her inner turmoil escape.
ʻThings will settle themselves out tomorrow,ʼ She lied to herself as she walked up the
stairs to her waiting bed.

The morning came all too fast. Just minutes after she closed her eyes for the
night and it was time to wake up for the day.

Today was the day, the day Celestia was coming to Ponyville. Twilight wasnʼt
feeling any better than the night before. At breakfast she barley touched her food and
seemed to be in a daze. Then out of nowhere she was calm.

ʻEverything will be alright,ʼ She told herself. ʻI just wonʼt bring it up. Sheʼll come
and weʼll talk and sheʼll leave, and everything will work out.ʼ She sucked in a deep
breath and let it out slowly, calming her nerves. Looking at the clock, Twilightʼs heart
skipped a beat, the princess was going to be there in a couple minutes. She had
overslept! Taking another deep breath to calm down again, she glanced around the
library quickly, making sure everything was perfect before she left the library, hurrying to
meet the princess.

Twilight rushed through the town, heading for the town square. A mass of ponies
had already grouped there, awaiting the princessʼ arrival. Twilight slowed down to a trot,
not wanting to look over excited to see the princess. She pushed her way to the front of
the crowd just in time to see the princess pull up in her chariot.

Twilight stopped.

ʻIʼm not ready for this!ʼ
***
chapter 2. Chapter 3 will be longer, so it'll take me longer to post. Again all feedback is greatly accepted.

Comments

[Aegis Shield]

Your description alone tells me that not much love went into this story or its editing. Cut and polish for a bit before you publish, mate.

[Freust]

It's not bad to start with I guess, but a couple things:

Make your paragraphs more visible. Just pressing Enter once isn't enough to specify that there is a paragraph there. It gives the story a wall-of-text feeling.
And I guess you could make thoughts in Italics, but that's just me, it kind of gives a clear line when there are thoughts, and where is dialog.

Good luck!

[BarrenBaron]

not bad writing although you really could use an editor and better paragraph breaks. Other then that it's good enough.

[Distrance]

swiftor.com/attachments/f7/10452d1330210107t-new-spiderman-meme-face-df790206-13e8-4c7b-9dd9-89dfc8c2ee0e.jpg
I see.

[Rutilus.Luna]

There isn't much i could say that hasn't already been said, but I'll track it and see where it goes.

[Elzipper7]

These chapters seem far too small. So far it's kind of interesting though so I think it warrants a track. I'll see you then.

[Wrabbit]

You could definitely do with a proofreader. There's lots of spelling and grammar mistakes here. Longer chapters would be nice as well. But what's really killing you is the rushed feeling of the story. Part of that comes from the chapter length, I think. You have the good basis for a story here, but you need to flesh it out more.

[Midnight Bloom]

Hmmm,at first, I was hurt but the criticism, but now I've come to understand that you all are just trying to help. i think I'll pick up the pencil agin and start on a chapter three. I'll take you're advice into account and try to improve. I have a Beta now, so that should help. Wish me luck.

[Somthing]

great work can't wait for more.

[Raitythunder]

1788912
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/26148727.jpg

[Bigou]

1- I suppose it's an alternate universe, since the events of the Grand Galloping Gala don't seems to have happened in it. The corespondent tag is needed.

2- What you call your 1th chapter look more like a prologue to me, but it's not a bad one.
The only notable error I've seen here is your tendency to always make a space before your quotation marks. In the case of the closing ones, the space need to be after.

3- Your 2nd chapter is to compact, (and probably far too short) making it hard to reed. That have immediately stopped me from reading it!
How in hell can you make a second chapter so compact when the first wasn't?
_________________________

Try to rework what is already done, you story have potential to be a great one, but not in it's actual state.