Do Not Read - EVER
primer (prim•er) noun \ˈprī-mər\
1. A small introductory book on a subject
Twilight Sparkle found herself once again perusing the library in the Celestia and Luna’s old castle. Her primary purpose was trying to track down books on griffon diplomacy and customs for the upcoming negotiations. Granted that any books she found would be out of date, but it would provide at least some general background which she was certain would be useful.
Of course, she did have a secondary purpose in being there: stocking the library of her new castle. Replacements for most of the books that were lost in the battle with Tirek had already been ordered, but her castle library had a great deal more space and she saw no reason to keep travelling through the Everfree Forest when she could simply move the books.
She had just finished stacking the books she would be taking with her when a (somehow) still-intact display case caught her eye.
“Hmm, how did I not notice this before?” she pondered as she approached it and looked inside.
Within rested a single book in pristine condition. Its deep burgundy cover was completely free of dust, and the words UNIVERSAL TERMINATION PRIMER stood out sharply in large gold letters. A small plaque, also in perfect condition, was placed just beneath the book and said simply “Do Not Read – EVER!”
“Well that’s just silly,” Twilight said as she shook her head in disbelief. “Books are made to be read. Who would write a book and not want somepony to read it?”
She looked over the case trying to find a way to open it, finally noticing a recess on the front into which a unicorn could place their horn. She did so, and charged her horn with magic. Nothing happened.
She sat back to ponder the case for a few minutes before bringing her hoof to her face in exasperation. “Alicorn magic, of course! That explains why it’s so well preserved.”
Placing her horn back in the opening and charging it with alicorn magic resulted in a loud click and the cover raising up. Twilight smiled, gave herself a mental pat on the back, and looked over the book again.
“Universal Termination Primer. I wonder if it’s instructions how to bring about the end of the universe? I suppose that would be a reason to deny most from reading it, but the warning doesn't explain at all.”
She cast a spell to detect traps or defensive spells which might have been placed on the book, but detected nothing.
“Well, I suppose I can at least take a look inside to see if it’s safe to move, or if it should be locked away somewhere safer. It’s not like I’m going to use whatever I read to end the universe!”
With that said, she flipped open the cover and read the short poem on the first page:
"Planet, stars, and moon, and sun,
Had their start and joyful run.
A march of seasons filled with fun,
But the final countdown has begun."
Oblivious to the glow that briefly outlined her horn, she started flipping through pages revealing nothing more than a single number on each progressing in decreasing order. Slamming the book closed she went off on a mini-rant. "Well that's completely pointless. It doesn't explain anything! Seriously, even a list of 'the thirteen signs that the universe is ending' would have been more informative. Somepony should have taught whoever wrote this the definition of a primer. Was this just some sort of joke like the hidden passages and trapdoors? Argh! I can’t believe I wasted my time on this.”
She slammed the case closed and locked it, muttering darkly all the while about ponies using books as pranks. She grabbed her pile of books from before and marched out determined to ask Celestia about it while in Canterlot.
The next day Twilight had mostly forgotten the incident as she walked into Sugarcube Corner.
“Oh, hello dear,” Mrs. Cake called from behind the counter. “What can I do for you?”
“Good morning! Twelve cupcakes, please. Any flavor.”
“Okay then,” she replied, quickly packing a box with cupcakes. “A dozen chocolate cupcakes with strawberry frosting. Just finished icing them before you arrived.”
Twilight pulled some bits from her saddlebags, placing them on the counter before transferring the treats to her back. “Thank you so much. If you see Pinkie, could you remind her that our weekly get-together is at eleven this week?”
“Absolutely, but you know Pinkie isn’t the type to forget times and places of social gatherings.”
Twilight couldn’t help grinning back as she made her way out, “True, but better safe than sorry, right? Thanks again, and say hi to the twins for me.”
Twilight and her friends sat or lay stretched out beneath the tree that had become their customary spot, simply enjoying each other’s company now that the food was gone.
Twilight stretched and sighed, prompting Applejack to ask, “Something the matter Sugarcube?”
“Yes Twilight, you seem a bit less... here, than is usual for our little meet-ups,” Rarity piped in.
“Sorry girls, I’m just a little tired. This diplomacy meeting with the griffons came up out of the blue and I’m just not prepared for it. The only books I have on their customs are a millennium out of date and I have to be in Canterlot tomorrow!”
“Relax Twi!” Rainbow chipped in, hovering next to her and nudging her side. “It’ll be no sweat. I bet Princess Celestia does most of the talking anyway.”
“But you don’t understand! The griffon ambassadors specifically requested that all of the Equestian princesses be present for negotiations. That means they’re probably going to expect us all to be involved, and if I mess up it could start a war!”
“Umm, I sure it won’t really be that bad,” said Fluttershy. “After all, they requested this right?”
“Well, yes, but relations between us and the griffons have always been rather shaky. It’s been over ten years since the last official communication of any kind from them, and that was basically a ‘stay out of our business and we’ll leave you alone.’ This could be them looking for reasons to restart hostilities.”
“Come now,” Rarity said, resting a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “I’m sure you’re getting worked up over nothing. You are the Princess of Friendship after all. I’m sure you’ll be back in no time and we’ll be celebrating a new treaty.”
The others all nodded in agreement as Pinkie Pie suddenly jumped up and threw confetti into the air, “And I’ll throw the PARTY!”
Twilight sat up and smiled at her friends. “Thanks girls, I don’t know what I’d do without you all. I really do need to get going though. I still have packing to do and another nine books to go through before I leave tomorrow.”
“Ah guess ye’d best be off then.” Applejack gave her a quick hug. “When’s the train leave again?”
“Eight o’clock.”
“Very good, we will all be there to see you off. Won’t we girls?” Rarity looked around to ensure nods of agreement from the others. A round of parting hugs later and Twilight was off to her castle. There was a slight nagging in the corner of her mind that something wasn’t quite right, but she brushed it off as nerves over the negotiations.
A ray of sunlight through her window fell perfectly onto Twilight’s face and she rolled over with a groan. Tiredly opening her eyes she lay staring unseeing at her clock for almost a full minute before she suddenly jumped up in a panic.
"It's seven o'clock already? Oh, no nononono! I'm going to be late! SPIKE!"
Twilight skidded to a stop on the train platform, panting heavily as she took in the sight of a still present train. She smirked as she lay eyes on the clock, "Made it with six minutes to spare! Excellent, those running exercises are really paying off."
“Twilight! We were wondering if you were going to make it.”
Twilight turned to see a smirking Rainbow Dash, along with the rest of her friends. “Oh, hey girls. I, uh, kind of overslept a little.”
“Well, the important thing is that you made it. Wouldn’t do now for a Princess to be late.”
“Lay off the royalty stuff Rarity, you know she ain’t too fond of it. Sure ya don’t want us comin’ with ya Sugarcube?”
"I wish you all could, but there really won't be anything for you all to do. No pony is going to be permitted in the negotiations but we princesses and the griffon ambassadors, and I don’t know how long they're going to take. Besides, I'm sure you'll be plenty busy here. Why don't the five of you plan something for us to do when I get back?"
“You betcha Twilight! We’re gonna have a super-duper welcome back party all ready for you!”
A sudden call of “All aboard for Canterlot!” interrupted any conversation that may have continued.
Twilight gave her friends a big hug, “Take care girls, I’ll write as soon as I know when I’m coming back.”
Shortly Twilight found herself seated at a window and watching the scenery go by. She couldn’t help the growing feeling that something was wrong, but she had no idea what it was. Perhaps it was simply that she wasn’t going to have her friends with her. She’d grown used to their supportive presence. Even Spike had stayed behind to take care of the castle and work on organizing the library.
“It’s nothing. Just nerves. I’ll be fine.”
“Princess Celestia!” Twilight hurried over to her mentor, giving her a hug.
Celestia smiled and returned the hug. “It is good to see you again Twilight, and I’ve told you that you don’t have to call me by my title anymore.”
Twilight blushed lightly. “Sorry. Habit.” Looking around she asked, “Where are Luna and Cadence?”
“Come, let us have tea and talk,” said Celestia as she led the way to a balcony overlooking the gardens. “Luna is sleeping and Cadence will be arriving later this afternoon. The negotiations don’t actually start until tomorrow and I wanted to give you time to settle in first. What are your thoughts on these talks?”
“I don’t really know what to think. I mean, we’ve not had the friendliest relations with them historically. I thought that they could be judging whether the new power dynamic leaves them any chance of taking a more aggressive stance with us, but Fluttershy pointed out that they could honestly be looking to be friendlier with us. I suppose we’ll find out soon enough. The thing that I don’t understand is why they specifically asked for all four of us to be here. I know you’ve told me before that we need to provide a united front, so I’d understand you requesting that I be here, I just don’t understand their reasoning.”
Celestia looked out over the garden for a few moments before responding. “I do believe that they are interested in friendship. Their newest ambassador was permitted to attend a pegasi flight academy when she was younger. It would seem she is the individual that pushed for griffon inclusion in the Equestria games, as a sign of goodwill, and for these negotiations to take place. She apparently knew your friend Rainbow Dash and used your new position as Princess of Friendship, and Rainbow’s position on your council, to finally convince the others to try these talks.”
“Knew Rainbow Dash?” Twilight paused a moment. “Wait! You mean Gilda?”
“I believe that is her name. You know her?”
“Well, not really. She visited Rainbow in Ponyville once. She was a bit arrogant and didn’t make a good impression. Eventually she tried to get Rainbow to choose between her and us, and when Rainbow chose us she got mad and left. As far as I know, Rainbow hasn’t heard from her since.”
“She may not have left the best impression, but it seems that you all impressed her. I hope that you can look past what she may have done in the past during these talks.”
“I’ll try.”
“Good. On another topic, how is the restocking of your library going?”
“Oh, it’s going well. Most of the books are easy enough to replace, though some are a bit harder to find. I’ve also been moving some of the books over from your old castle. I hope you don’t mind… I even have three with me I thought might prove useful for the negotiations, even if they are a bit out of date.”
“I don’t mind at all.” She paused for a moment as a maid set her tea down in front of her along with a small plate of biscuits. “Just be careful. There are some books that should be handled with great care, or even locked away. If you are unsure about any of them please talk to me before doing anything.”
“Of course. Oh, that reminds me –“
“Excuse me, Princess,” interrupted the maid setting up the tea as she gestured to the bowl of sugar cubes. “Would you like sugar in your tea?”
“Oh, yes. Two please.”
The maid finished the tea, placing it and another small plate of biscuits in front of Twilight before bowing and leaving. Twilight picked up the cup and took a sip, savoring the light taste.
Celestia took a sip of her own and turned back to Twilight. “You were saying?”
“Huh? Oh, right! There was one book I wanted to ask you about that I came across while I was looking for books for these talks. I thought it might have been some sort of prank and was hoping you could tell me.”
“Well, I’m sure there may still be evidence of some pranks I used to pull on Luna around the castle. Which book is it?”
“The Universal Termination Primer. There was nothing in it but a short poem and –“
Celestia stopped breathing at the book's name and she wilted in her seat, though Twilight was too preoccupied to notice.
“–the rest of the pages were just numbers counting down to ze –“
What Twilight had been saying after the title of the book suddenly caught up to Celestia and she jerked toward the oblivious young alicorn screaming, “NO!”
“–ro.”
…and the universe was no more.
primer (prim•er) noun \ˈprī-mər\
2. A device/system for priming (initating) an event
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I knew something's off about those numbers she said.
Haha, yes. Guessed the twist the second I read the first few lines.
Brilliantly done.
4945227
Yeah, I felt that Twilight would be subconsciously aware something was off with it too, but she never took the time to analyze it because of everything else going on.
4947544
Glad you liked it, and thanks for the fav. I was hoping that it would be obvious enough that some people would get it (immediately or along the way), but subtle enough that others would get to the end and go 'What?'
Most of the story ends up as essentially filler content around the main point, but I tried to keep it consistent. It's also a topic (Gilda as ambassador) that I think I'd like to try writing in more detail someday.
The ultimate 'oops' moment.
That was fun. I'm not a huge fan of oneshots or short fics in general but this one left me giggling. Well done, sir. Have a hurrah!
5504463
Thanks. Considering it was just a bit of totally random nonsense that popped in my head, I think it turned out fairly well.
Hahaha this is just evil. I love it.
5784231
Evil isn't a term I ever expected to be used to describe this one, but thanks.
Might be too cerebral for some ponies but I enjoyed it. Thumbs up!
Wait, how would Celestia know to not let anyone read it? This couldn't have happened before, since then this could bit have taken place.
6087260
There's a number of reasons Celestia could know the danger without the end result we saw here occurring before. I'll not list them up here, though if you're really interested you can PM me.
Also, consider that if a caster died without finishing countdown then it would effectively be aborted. (Not that I'm saying you would have to out-and-out kill said individual, but rendering them mute for the remainder of their life could work.)
At about "eleven", I think, I realized there was a countdown. Then I realized that the countdown only appeared in dialogue, and then that it was specifically Twilight's dialogue. Very ominous, very well done.
Two alternate possibilities that came to mind:
1. Twilight: "Well, that was disappointing. There were a billion possibilities for what that could have been, and all of them were more interesting than this."
2. Twilight: "This book was of precisely zero-"