A crusader named Bartho Balchi of the heavenly plain of Celestia goes on a mission for his lord Bahamat, the god of all dragons, and fails. As punishment, he is banished to Equestria and is to never return again. But with the problem of blacking out anytime he sees blood or whenever he is under great stress and starts killing everything he sees. There is also the problem of him being a loner, who shows little to no emotion and avoids people as much as he can. Will he be able to adjust to his new home? or will his insanity get the better of him?
This is my fist story i have ever written so, i would appreciate kind criticism,
Chapters (3)
You have a grammar issue going on. When another character speaks your supposed to start a whole new paragraph.
Example:
The room was dark and I had not the slightest clue where I could be. So I yelled aloud in the dark room hoping that someone would hear, "Hello? Is anyone there?!"
"Yes." Came a voice from the darkness around me.
"Who are you?! What do you want?!"
Like that. And there are a few other grammar mistakes like missing commas and the like. Some sentences fell a bit...meh and I'm not really sure what race the main character is.
A tad messy... but the idea is there and that's good enough. I wish you luck in future works.
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sorry about that i'm new to this. thank you for the advice, i fixed the problem to the best of my abilities and thank you for pointing out the problem