A dark and terrifying discovery awaits Twilight Sparkle under the great ruins of the Everfree Forest. Will Twilight be able to cope with the shock, and will she be able to comprehend the terror that she faces?
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 16th Mar, 2014
- offline last seen Aug 6th, 2015
pyro925
Don't judge me and the shitty anime I watch
pyro925
Joined 16th Mar, 2014 ·
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Looks to me that in one of the timelines some being is going to decide that the coming evil is Celestia her self.
Interesting idea, but not very fond of the execution. The entire thing reads like a summary giving the main idea behind the whole thing. You're basically just giving an explanation on why. There is a lot of potential for this story that could be explored and played with. You could go with what Bronzedragon says, for example, or you could have it that the evil is an amalgamation of the previous Twilight who had been hurt and betrayed.
It falls into the writing issue of "show, don't tell."
Speaking of Twilight, her response to the raven seemed out of character. She has been to alternate realities (such as in Equestria Girls and entering the comic book), and would probably find it easy to believe that there are multiple realities. She also did not seem very curious about the strange passage appearing from nowhere, or the multiple pictures of alternate Twilights.
As for the raven, that was all pretty straight forward. Nothing it said was in the least bit cryptic or confusing. Its warning also seemed kind of lost in the exposition. It could even had led to a scene where Twilight was conflicted between the raven's warning and her own curiosity.
It's definitely an idea worth exploring, but you really need to explore it more.
Wait, so Celestia is the one destroying timelines?
Not that I have anything against evil Celestia (my own story features an evil Celestia), but this doesn't make any sense.
If Celestia could destroy the timelines just by changing them, and if she could kill Twilight easily, why does she go to the trouble of waiting 1000 years to deceive and kill Twilight? It seems rather... unnecessary.
basically celestia is the evil itself that goes from universe to universe destroying the champion by making sure she never reach her full power to get rid of her
4929533 that is the time it takes her to overcome the celestia that is already on that universe
4929603
Well, that makes more sense, but it isn't indicated in the story.
4929702 maybe the author decides to use it to expand the tale
4929177 Actually totally agree. just something I wrote in two ish weeks so Twi's dialogue isnt very natural. Thanks for the critique, actually really helps. Side Note; not actually a raven, i was actually planning to make it 'the' evil but didnt really have a way to write it in
again, just something i wrote real quick in a couple of weeks.
4929533 Two points, she has to set up the exact conditions she wants for that iteration of Twilight and the changes arent what destroys the universe, celestia herself destroys them.
4929597 I wrote celestia as an example of the hardening effects that that kind of power has on people. she's not the evil. the bird thing was going to be but i didnt want to continue the story very much and really didnt have the time.
To all, I'm not going to continue the story but if you want to that's fine, you have my permission. Credit is appreciated but not necessary. Please message me with the story so I can read!
4930745
Oh... So Celestia is the one destroying the universes, but she is doing it to try and stop the "evil", so she still is trying to make Twilight into a champion?
4930745
I took that to mean the changing timeline destroyed the universes.
4930750 yes and no. She is trying to stop the evil but in doing so she is definitely not good. she's trying to stop an evil but is doing it in a way she can but has done it so many times that she is now numb and just views it as a problem that she has to solve, and she no longer cares about the feelings or lives of twilight. Also, a change wouldnt exactly kill the timeline, but it would change and stop one and kind of unmake it.
" As she sat down to eat her companion broke the silence by asking what her plan for the day was."
you might want to add a comma before "her companion" since as it stands you could assume she is eating spike
5176074 A) someone finally notices! B) I did it on purpose because I thought it was funny!