• Member Since 30th Mar, 2014
  • offline last seen Feb 10th, 2018

tmntrocksm


ummm i have a tumblr

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With success on the attack on Caterlot, the Changelings have taken over Equestria. They are are everywhere. Anypony can be a changeling.
Most ponies are converted, in hiding, or dead. But now with little to no ponies to feed love off of the Changelings have chose to either to feed off of love, hate, or blood. And Emerald Key, an amnesic stallion must find a way through this mess with the help of a retired baker who skills in the magic of fire

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 10 )

This is good so far I like it:twilightsmile:

Well this isn't nearly as bad as the dislike bar would have me believe. :ajsmug: I guess stories with amnesia-based-protagonists just tend to get more hate. :unsuresweetie:

However, I think that the biggest problem here is the way you explain the things happening.
Just as an example:

It was a leg? I guess. It was black and had holes in it like Swiss cheese. The leg was connected to a bug like pony. It was black and had a gray spiked mane. It had a blue carapace and a pair of light blue wing coming out of it. It had a black horn on it's head too. It was covered in green stuff that leaked out of the wounds it had and reeked of iron. I looked around. In my rambling I had forgot to look at were I was. There was more of those weird alicorn bug ponies and all were covered in that green blood.

The way you describe nearly every action taken, or every detail of something observed by the character is impressive, but feels a bit sluggish to read. In my opinion, it just seems a little too heavy-handed with all the details.You probably could have summed up the details and over all feel and gotten away with something like:

"Laying before me was what seemed to be a small bug-like alicorn covered in black scales. It's legs and wings were full of holes, and the thing was covered in a green liquid that reeked of iron; blood. Snapping out of my thought induced state, I noticed several more littering the ground around me, each one in the same condition as the one beneath my hooves."

See how it's a bit more to the point?

Anyway, I like the story, and it definitely deserves an upvote. Keep working at it and I'm sure you'll get many more. :twilightsmile:
Erised out.

4858937
Wow thanks for the help! I'm kinda new here so I'm not that great of a author. I've written Minecraft stories but never mlp.
Could I use the way you wrote that paragraph? I really liked how it was stated more than mine.
I'm going to continue to edit that chapter as I write another. :twilightsheepish:

4861887 No problem. And feel free to use that however you like. I look forward to reading the next chapters.

Still working 'cuz school

Wow.Wow..WOW.... I like this C:

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