Waking Up

"Ugh"

I groaned as I pushed myself off the hard ground I was laying in. The motion put pressure on my back left hoof. I winced in pain.
"Brick," I said as I finally collapsed. I remembered that I had made a vow to never curse and "Brick" was the closest to "Buck" so I had made that as my curse word a long time ago. Well at least I think so. I can't really remember if I did... Come to think of it I can't really remember anything!
I looked down at my hooves, trying to think of what happened and who I am. After looking down for long time there was still no memory was regained. I looked down at my hooves once more but not for sinking into deep thought but to see how I looked like. I had turquoise fur but it just didn't look right on my body. Some of my hair covered my right eye but not that much. My mane was green by the looks of it. Since I couldn't remember my name I checked my cutie mark for clues. I remembered that most ponies were named after their cutie mark so it couldn't hurt to check. I couldn't stretch my neck that far though to see it but the glimpse I saw of it showed it was green. Well that was no help.
I kicked the dirt with hoof. I swung my hoof back and fort until it hit something cold and hard. Laying before me was what seemed to be a small bug-like alicorn covered in black scales. It's legs and wings were full of holes, and the thing was covered in a green liquid that reeked of iron; blood. Snapping out of my thought induced state, I noticed several more versions of the creature littering the ground around me, each one in the same condition as the one beneath my hooves. I crawled closer, dragging my back left leg along towards one and poked it in the eye, it did nothing. I saw a purple maned white unicorn mare lying on the ground. I was about to investigate her when...

"Crick"

I turned around. The alicorn bug pony I had saw first started to move. I dashed -okay more or less trudged- behind a run down building.
I watching the bug pony get up. It staggered for a bit walking toward the others but soon collapsed. I watched it for 5 minutes more but it didn't get up. I crawled towards the white unicorn. She had red stuff was coming from a gash on her forehead. I looked around for a thing to cover up her wound. There was nothing I could grab easily. Oh wait! Her dress! I could use that! I tore a piece -with my mouth blegh- out of the sparkly pink and blue dress she wore and wrapped it around her head.

"Huh? Twilight is it you dear?"

The mare asked while opened her eyes. "Er no. Sorry," I answered.

"Oh I thought you were somepony else. Who are you though? You are not a changeling are you?" the white unicorn mare asked as she sat up.

"Uh n-no ma'm" I stammered as I finished tying the cloth around her head.

"I'm sorry but I don't understand," she said "What do you mean?"

"Oh I meant I wasn't a changeling! Are those what those bug ponies are? Are they bad?!" I responded as I pointed to the dead alicorn bug ponies.

"Yes. I can assure you they are most awfully dreadful. Look what they have done!" she said as she pointed to herself and then to the run down town we were in.

"It was always like this?!" I asked.

"Oh no. It was beautiful! Fabulous! Magnificent! Lights! Buildings! Shops!" the mare beamed.

"So what was this?" I questioned.

"It was Canterlot. Home to the most beautiful shops and the Princesses Palace!" she said.

"Wow it sounds awesom-lovely!" I said.

"Yes it most certainly lovely. Until the changelings attacked! They were so brutal! Their queen stole the identity of the Cadence and we didn't even know it! Oh Twilight was right the whole time but we doubted her. Now everypony is gone! And it's all my fault!" the unicorn sobbed.

"It okay uh..." I stuttered.

"Rarity. My name is Rarity." she said in between tears.

"Oh. It's okay Rarity. It's not your fault! It's that evil queen that you speak of faults! Please don't cry! You will break the bandaging!" I begged.

"But it IS!!!" Rarity whined.

"No it is not. Please listen! It is not your fault!" I insisted.

"Are you sure?" Rarity asked.

"Yes I am." I said.

"Okay. Thank you for helping me...What is your name dear you never told me." she said.

"It's..." I stammered. I couldn't even get the information she was asking for even if it was something as simple as a name. The question was the same thing I had tried to find out not so long ago. "Well I actually don't know."

"But dear how do you not remember a fact as simple as your name?" Rarity implied.

"I don't know I woke up 20 minutes ago without any memory of what happened or who I am." I confessed as I looked down at my hooves.

"Oh well I'll be delighted to help you. Maybe your cutie mark will help. Can you please turn around dear?" the mare decided.

"Uh..." I blushed even though I knew she was only looking at my cutie mark.

"NO! Not in that way!" Rarity blushed.

"No! I know it's not like that! It just is kinda awkward," I said.

"Well yes it is awkward but dear it is best for the both of us." Rarity said.

"Oh Okay." I said reluctantly as I turned -crawled- around.

"Oh my! What happened to your leg?!" the unicorn asked.

"Oh I don't remember. I told you before." I explained.

"Oh yes. I'm sorry. I had forgotten." Rarity went on. "Oh it seems your cutie mark is of an emerald key lock! How magnificent!"

"Pinkie Pie is better at naming but I think I can manage. What about Emerald Key? It's delightful no?" she continued.

"Yes! Thanks! I love it!" I said.

"You are very welc...."

"RARITY NO!" I yelled as the white mare collapsed. The gauze I had put on not so long ago was soaked with blood. How could I not have noticed that! "Don't die on me!" I begged as I struggled to put her on my back. My back leg was about to give away but I kept going. I "dashed" through the town of Canterlot begging to find it but there was no sign of a hospital or anypony. "Come on Rarity! Do you know where the hospital is?!" I asked as I tried to read a burnt street sign. She coughed. Her mouth dripped with her own blood and stained her beautiful white fur.

"Come on we will make it!"

Author's Note:

Heyo! This is my first story! Well not really. I had like two other stories but I never published them... Anyways please comment! Plus I'm not sure if it Rarity speaks correctly in this story. If you dislike my story please tell why so I can get constructive criticism.
Thank you Eris-the-inked-moth http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Erised+the+ink-moth for helping with the paragraph

"Laying before me was what seemed to be a small bug-like alicorn covered in black scales. It's legs and wings were full of holes, and the thing was covered in a green liquid that reeked of iron; blood. Snapping out of my thought induced state, I noticed several more littering the ground around me, each one in the same condition as the one beneath my hooves."

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Luna is best

Luna is best #1 · Aug 16th, 2014 · 1 · ·

This is good so far I like it

tmntrocksm

tmntrocksm #2 · Aug 16th, 2014 · · ·

4857566 Really thanks :)

tmntrocksm

tmntrocksm #3 · Aug 16th, 2014 · · ·

31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mah2b8kuXx1qfi1ns.jpg

Erised the ink-moth

Erised the ink-moth #4 · Aug 16th, 2014 · 1 · ·

Well this isn't nearly as bad as the dislike bar would have me believe. I guess stories with amnesia-based-protagonists just tend to get more hate.

However, I think that the biggest problem here is the way you explain the things happening.
Just as an example:

It was a leg? I guess. It was black and had holes in it like Swiss cheese. The leg was connected to a bug like pony. It was black and had a gray spiked mane. It had a blue carapace and a pair of light blue wing coming out of it. It had a black horn on it's head too. It was covered in green stuff that leaked out of the wounds it had and reeked of iron. I looked around. In my rambling I had forgot to look at were I was. There was more of those weird alicorn bug ponies and all were covered in that green blood.

The way you describe nearly every action taken, or every detail of something observed by the character is impressive, but feels a bit sluggish to read. In my opinion, it just seems a little too heavy-handed with all the details.You probably could have summed up the details and over all feel and gotten away with something like:

See how it's a bit more to the point?

Anyway, I like the story, and it definitely deserves an upvote. Keep working at it and I'm sure you'll get many more.
Erised out.

tmntrocksm

tmntrocksm #5 · Aug 17th, 2014 · · ·

4858937
Wow thanks for the help! I'm kinda new here so I'm not that great of a author. I've written Minecraft stories but never mlp.
Could I use the way you wrote that paragraph? I really liked how it was stated more than mine.
I'm going to continue to edit that chapter as I write another.