Simon and Twilight: Arrested with Twilight
Not Another Pony on Earth
Arrested with Twilight
Admiral Biscuit
“What does that sign mean, Simon?”
“Huh?” I glanced back to see where Twilight was pointing, before looking back to the road. “It means hospital. That's a place where people go when they're sick.”
“I know what a hospital is, thank you very much,” she huffed. “Ponyville isn't a primitive town.”
No internet, no cable tv, and no cars? And you say it isn't primitive. “Of course not,” I reassured her.
“I know what you're thinking,” she muttered. A moment later all the coins in my ashtray began to float up towards the windshield. “Can you primitive humans do that?”
“We've been over this,” I muttered. “Again and again. Humans don't have magic.”
“But I watched a documentary with Criss Angel, and—“
“That wasn't a documentary.” I sighed, and glanced in the rearview mirror to make sure it was safe to change lanes. “That's all show. He can't really levitate.”
“I can,” Twilight said brightly. “I know gravity spells. Maybe if you'd let me, we could—“
“No!” I looked at her in the mirror. “The world isn't ready for you yet. In fact, we really shouldn't be out in public like this. If something happened . . . well, and someone saw you—someone else—there would be all sorts of issues to deal with.” I ought to know; I was the one who had a purple terror materialize in his living room for no reason whatsoever. I mean, of the seven billion living rooms she could have appeared in, why mine? “I'm not cut out to handle this kind of thing. I'm a college dropout who smokes too much pot and works a boring job at a web hosting company. I'm hardly qualified to introduce an alien ambassador to Earth.”
“You're no fun,” she muttered, and looked back out the window at the scenery flying by. “Gah, I can't believe I said that. I must sound like Pinkie Pie.”
“Is that the one who boasts about her Sonic Rainboom?”
I interpreted the brief silence which followed as an eyeroll. Despite her complete . . . well, alienness, I'd actually managed to figure out nearly half of Twilight's habitual expressions, and the eyeroll was high on the list. It was hardly my fault; nobody had said there was going to be a test, and I was way to busy freaking out about the talking flying unicorn which had suddenly determined that I was a gateway to interstellar friendship or whatever she'd said when she first arrived.
“She's an Earth pony; she can't fly. Rainbow Dash is the one who does the Rainboom. Really, Simon, how you manage to confuse ponies like you do is beyond me.”
Brake lights flashed in front of me, and I flicked the cruise off and tapped on my brake pedal to signal the car behind me. “They just sound so weird.”
“I am so going to make you a chart,” she mumbled. “Why does that car have a bar on its roof and a big sign on the side? Is it a contractor's car?”
“It's a cop car,” I told her.
“What's a cop?”
“They enforce the laws. A policeman—ah, policepony? You do have those, right?”
“We have the Royal Guard, which defends Equestria from threats. My brother is captain of the Guard,” she said proudly.
“Do they stop muggings and purse-snatchings, and solve murders?”
“I . . . guess so? We don't really have those in Equestria.”
“Aha!” I took my eyes off the road to glare at her. “You know what those are, so you must have them in Equestria, despite your desire to have me believe that you live in a perfect society.”
“Your television had been very informative. I watched three hours of a documentary called Law and Order which explained in great detail how your legal system works."
Yeah. Law and Order. That's just the kind of thing that will make a good impression on a foreign diplomat. Self, why did you teach her how to work a TV remote?
Because you were stoned, idiot.
Oh yeah, right.
“That's not a documentary, Twilight. Most of TV isn't. It's a bunch of actors putting on a play . . . you do have plays, right?”
“We have pageants. Are plays where somepony dresses up and pretends to be somepony else, to teach a moral to foals and adults who still think like foals?”
“That's essentially it.” I tapped the turn signal stalk briefly before merging in front of a Freightliner. “I suppose they have morals.”
“I played Clover the Clever in Canterlot,” Twilight said proudly.
“Of course you did.” I looked back in the rearview mirror just in time to see the Crown Vic slide neatly behind me. I kept nervously looking back as I repeated the driver's mantra: Keep driving keep driving keep driving. Every automotive sin I'd committed in the past few miles was replaying itself in my head as I debated if he'd noticed when I was 5 mph over the speed limit, or if he'd seen my halfassed stop back in town.
Like always, it didn't work. He slowed and then accelerated, and just as he got on the throttle, he lit up the overheads.
My foot was halfway to the accelerator pedal before my rational brain informed if of the folly of that choice. A Ford Escort with two hundred thousand on the odometer was no racehorse.
I turned on the hazard flashers and took a deep breath, wracking my brain to remember if I'd put the most recent insurance certificate in my glove box. I was pretty sure there weren't any warrants out for me, but those had a habit of sneaking up on a person.
As I headed towards the shoulder, I looked back in the mirror, and he was still there, big as life. Too late I remembered that the right turn signal didn't work, so maybe he was just going to give me a warning for changing lanes without signalling. If I acted properly apologetic, he'd just let me go . . . unless he saw the winged unicorn in the back seat, of course. Who talked. That was something I wasn't going to be able to explain away.
“In your research,” I began, “did you learn a, ah, spell which would allow you to look like a human?”
“Yes?”
“Use it.”
“Why should—“
I turned my head and looked her right in the eye. “I will tell you all about it later. After Officer Friendly has gone on his way. But for now, I need you to do your spell. Believe me, things will go much more smoothly if you do.”
“Okay. I trust you, Simon.”
I looked back forward just in time to only catch a slight purple flash in the corner of my eye, then I was distracted by the slowing brrt brrrrt brrrrrrrt of the rumble strips on the shoulder.
“Crash course, Twilight.” I snatched open the glove box and began frantically searching for the important papers among the chaos of unimportant papers. “Don't volunteer information, and tell him as little as possibile, and only in response to a specific question. If you pretend to be asleep, that might make things go more smoothly.”
“Got it.” Her voice was a little different, no doubt as a result of her spell. “I'm already cold. I don't know how you humans—“
“Keep your mouth shut,” I advised as I rolled down my window. “Unless he asks.” I kept my hands on the steering wheel, so he could see them. I was totally focused in the image in my mirror, and I watched how he was acting as he swaggered towards my door. Sir, do you know why I pulled you over? I was already mulling over a response in my head, but he surprised me by stopping short of my window and taking an aggressive stance.
“Ma'am, how old are you?”
“I'm a guy,” I mumbled. “I know the long hair might be confusing, but—“
“I wasn't talking to you.” He glanced into the car.
“Well, by your reckoning, fifteen,” Twilight said brightly. “I'm much smarter than an average fifteen-year-old, though. I was a student at Celestia's School for, um. . .”
As she spoke, I instinctively turned my head to look at her, and as quickly looked away. Her transformation had been perfect . . . which was obvious, since she'd neglected to include a single stitch of clothing.
“Sir, put your hands outside the vehicle, where I can see them.”
Wordlessly, I complied.
Stats
Page generated in 0.024 seconds
Total duration
922 users online
368,245 hits today, 2,139,894 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I like it.
D'oh
Wait wait wait. Back up a minute. You're saying that TV programs are not, in fact, all documentaries? Not even Game of Thrones? My whole life is a lie!
I figured that was going to occur (no clothes). I wonder what charge they would levy on you though for having a naked 15 year old in your car. I don't think that should of necessity merit an immediate handcuffing. It would certainly merit interest though.
Time for Twilight to bust out the memory spell, I guess, set on "erase". :)
I like it. I love the way you do humans and ponies together, if you wrote and onto the pony planet reversed, some onto the human planet thing. I would read the fuck out of it.
4832068
Thanks!
4832112
Pretty much.
4832158
I know it's a hard pill to swallow, but it's true.
4832174
Depending on the jurisdiction that in and of itself may not be illegal. Twilight wasn't forced, so if there were any charges they'd go against her, not Simon.
I think the situation would raises so many red flags that the prudent police officer would handcuff Simon and sit him in the back of the cruiser while he was waiting for backup and getting Twilight's story.
4832407
Because of course Twilight would know the "Mares in Black" neuralizer spell.
Oh, now you've given me an idea.
4832463
That might be something that I'd do. One of these days.
Rainbow Dash and kitchen sink OTP.
4833377
I read a story like that once...
4833393 Exactly.
Nope, too ridiculous.
4833180
If you wanted to put Twilight in the cruiser, you could. As you said, there is nothing obvious to charge Simon with. In that case, handcuffing him is out of bounds, and is the kind of thing that ends up on bad videos about police.
So long as they obey orders (just sit and be quiet until backup arrives) there is no reason to handcuff the guy.
In fact, with the officer alone, I would be more worried that the minor would RUN, possibly hurting herself, etc. while I was handcuffing the guy/moving him to the squad car. So long as he is there with his eyes on both of them, he is in charge of the situation. Cuffing the guy temporarily puts him out of charge.
If only you were in Britain, you don't need to outrun the police here. If you drive on the pavement, reverse or squeal your tyres, their health and safety rules will make them discontinue. They have to fulfil 16 different criteria before they can even pull a car over. Seriously, I once saw those guys give up because the perp was bounding over speed bumps and they were too worried about their car.
Side note - Star Wars is a documentary though, right?
Right?!
This is why I hope I never have any trouble with the police, because I have a certified mental disorder of the most .. annoying? sort.
Any social interactions I have are all fake, computed in real time with limited resurces. Under stress, that processor folds, and Im left being as dumb as a bag of zombie badgers. Given Ive just been reacting normally, it immediately makes anyone else highly offended, thinking Im being the smart guy etc, which nudges them in the direction that causes more stress, and recursive Catch 22 engages, and has been known to near epileptic fit. As well as giving me a greatly increased temperature due to runaway processing.
I want to get one of those nice social computers that can take the Turing test instead. At least they can pass it.
You missed a quotation mark at the end of this sentence.
That picture is a serial killer's kitchen. I mean seriously. There is NOTHING on those pristine white counter-tops. Everything is squirreled away. I bet the fridge has human hearts in zip lock bags.
Oh and the fic was a'ight too. I guess.
4833485
If you wanted to put Twilight in the cruiser, you could.
The cop's got a good case for child endangerment, especially since Twilight isn't related to Simon. From the cop's point of view, the whole scene stinks, and it would be prudent to get Simon away from Twilight. When he's cuffed and in the car, he can't do anything until more police arrive, and then they'd start questioning. If he locks Twilight in the police car and then Simon overpowers him, Twilight's no better off than she was before (as far as the cop knows).
Actually, if they have reason to believe that a crime has been committed, they can hold you for a while. I'm not sure how long it is, but trust me, it's at least overnight.
He might have a weapon in the car, and he might go for it while the cop's distracted with Twilight.
That's possible, but unlikely. In the cop's mind (based on the situation) Simon is most likely the criminal and Twilight's the victim.
4833640
High speed pursuits are not as popular over here, either, because of the liability. That having been said, they still do them with some frequency on the county and state level, but most local departments won't even try.
Also, I hate to disappoint you with Star Wars, but....
4833857
Fixed! Thanks!
4834131
Or pony hearts.
Seriously, it was the first pony in a real picture that I found which had a vaguely horrified looking pony (and as the collection continues, it should be obvious why).
Up next: Lyra goes to Bronycon and enters a cosplay contest.
4833642
I'm just a jerk, but I can usually hold my tongue in check long enough to have them let me go. Usually.
4834186
That's possible, but unlikely. In the cop's mind (based on the situation) Simon is most likely the criminal and Twilight's the victim.
^ This is a *BAD* stereotype. It gets males into trouble far too often for my sensibilities. There are far too many innocent ways this situation could come about to take the strong actions you are talking about, and there is no evidence that Simon has done anything wrong.
If anything it reeks of something "strange" going on because if you were actually doing something criminal, you wouldn't have the naked lady just sitting there in the passenger seat. They can't have been having sex while driving so that whole thing is off the table.
You have a single anomoly here -- that the girl is not wearing clothing. Hands on your lap, no talking, no sudden movements is more than enough orders that if followed should not lead to escalation.
4834198 NOOOOOOO!!!!
Next you'll be telling me MLP isn't an accurate depiction of real life events.
4834416
It's not even an accurate depiction of cartoon events!
How have you been finding time to write?!
4835738
Mostly by not sleeping.
4834241
The idealist in me agrees with this statement. Every situation is different, you can't judge a book by its cover, etc., etc. The pragmatist replies that in the case of an older male and an underage female, generally the male's doing a bad thing. All we can hope is that the police behave rationally, and don't do anything that will be regretted later--generally, they do, but of course they're not perfect.
I should point out that handcuffing him and placing him in the back of the police car until more officers can get there, conduct interviews, and figure out what's going on isn't by itself a strong action. It gives the police time to secure the situation, and then act in a calm, rational manner. Police can--and do--un-handcuff suspects after interviews; even when the suspect is taken to jail, he or she is sometimes released without charges if the police later determine that no crime was actually committed. In a perfect world, they'd never detain an innocent, but in real life there are situations that the police come across that take some time to understand (and this would be one); for the good of society sometimes an innocent person has to endure some unpleasantness.
I didn't make it clear in the story, but I imagined that she was sitting in the back seat of the car (partially inspired by To Love a Pony). That's why Simon didn't notice she was naked right away. Any cop will tell you that criminals do stupid things all the time--we once had a girl stop in the shop and ask where the store that bought gold was. I said I didn't know, and she asked if she could borrow the phone. I lent her the cordless, and she walked outside, apparently figuring that if I was on the other side of a single-pane window I wouldn't overhear her conversation. I did--she was telling her boyfriend about all the jewelry she'd stolen from her last babysitting job. As soon as she left, I used the caller ID to find out who she'd called and then notified the local police.
Once again, I think a police officer would well within his rights to put Simon in the backseat of the police car until he figured out exactly what was going on, especially considering that there's an underage girl involved.
All that having been said, the next time the police chief stops by the shop, if I remember, I'll ask him what he'd do in this situation.
I have some further information to impart, which I'll send via PM.
4834416
4834664
I like to believe that MLP is the only true documentary.
Oh shit this can't end well. Time to think up a lie and think it up quick.
"Officer, er... Friendly was it? I was mugged and left stranded a few miles back, and they took my clothes too! This nice gentlemen was just trying to do the right thing and get me back to my parents. Unfortunately he didn't have any spare clothes for me to wear."
4836706
Yeah, in retrospect I fell bad for Simon. There is no good way out for him.
I look forward to see how this pans out...
4836762
I'm sorry to say this is probably all there will be. Unless I get a bug up my butt to write another chapter of Twilight and Simon (which is certainly possible) there will be no more of them.
On the plus side, the next story is going to feature Lyra cosplaying as herself. What could possibly go wrong?
4836786
That saddens me... :c
Also, Lyra dividing herself by zero?
4836797
The universe will never be the same.
4836805
Many a mind shall be broken and bjorked beyond comprehension...
The Title makes it sound like theres an over abundance of these stories. I say there isn't enough. Screw HiE. Bring the ponies here baby!
At this sentence, I just knew.
Tension builds.
Stifling laughter.
Explosion.
Great story! Can't wait to see what happens next.
Admiral, did you write this because of the talk we had about Pony on Earth stories while at Bronycon?
4837361
It's true there aren't many good ones. The title's a reference to my own Not another Human in Equestria, which is a similar collection of HiEs.
4837522
Everybody seems to want another chapter of this story. <sighs dramatically> I'll put it in the queue.
4838335
Not this one specifically, although your story likely influenced it being Twilight in this story and not some other pony.
Now the upcoming Lyra story . . . that one I'll blame on our conversation.
4839089
I'm getting goosebumpies already.
Twilight, I really hope that you culd not do clothing in the first place, else you will need a really good excuse for this. You should get the picture after your time at Canterlot High.
4841706
Given AJ's statement in GGG ("we don't normally wear clothes"), and my own Lyra and Bon Bon visit Wales or Merlos the Mad's A Twilight Landing, I think that during the heat of the moment, Twilight wouldn't think of it.
Yes, she wore clothes in EqG (it would have hardly been PG if she hadn't) . . . but remember the scene were she went into the wrong bathroom?
4841750
Never read those two stories, and I took that scene as her not knowing the signs.