Detente
Detente
''If you judge people, you have no time to love them.''
- Mother Teresa
[/hr]
Alexander stood at attention in the king's throne room, holding a spear in his claws and waiting for the princess to speak. Princess Luna came to our kingdom for diplomatic relations to ease the tensions between our kingdom and their country. She agreed to meet with the king in a private detente', where there would be no fighting or disruptions at all. Usually when he saw a pony giving him a hard time, he snapped his beak and make sure they never see the light of day.
Our king, Rhosus The Second, sat in his throne across from Princess Luna to discuss on ways of avoiding any wars between Griffonia and Equestria to ease the tension between both countries. He cleared his throat and said, ''Thank you for coming to meet with me, Princess Luna.''
''Twas not an issue.'' Luna answered.
''I heard that your sister sent you here to work out some sort of agreement?'' Rhosus asked boldly, stroking his feather-covered chin.
''That is correct, I would like to negotiate a treaty between our two countries,'' Luna continued on, ''It will ensure that ponies and gryphons, do not cross paths as enemies but work together as allies.''
''How are you so sure about this?'' The king questioned, thinking about how Luna could hold up to her word.
''My sister informed her Royal Guards and I informed my Night Guards, they swore to both both of us that crossing the Griffon Kingdom's border will not be necessary.'' Luna explained, she slid the treaty across the table to the king.
''I'll see if I can take your word for it.'' Rhosus said, the king grabbed the treaty and held it in his claws. He read every word of the treaty carefully to avoid signing it without reading.
''What does thou have to say about the treaty?'' Luna wondered for a moment, tapping her hoof against the floor.
''It's a reasonable treaty, but I have a feeling that both oppositions will not agree to this,'' the griffon king's voice echoed in the halls of the throne room. ''So I'll see if my mind can be swayed in a few days after this little meeting.''
Two of the king's guards came up to the princess, to escort her out of the throne room. They walked past the doors of the room with their wings on their side, Luna unfurled her wings and flew into the blue skies above the kingdom. The king walked up to the young Alexander, he draped his wing over the griffon.
''Alexander, I don't have much longer in my rule over this kingdom. If I die, I'd have to choose between Darius, Cassandra, and you.'' Rhosus brushed the top of his head, his claw was covered in white feathers.
''A decision like that must be easier said than done. You don't mind if I leave the kingdom for a minute, to get a better understanding of my surroundings?''
''If that will help you hone your skills as a soldier, you're free to explore. But make sure to return to the kingdom, we don't want to send any guards on a manhunt after you. Now, do we?'' Rhosus the Second placed his red robe over the throne, he raised his claw at the guards in the throne room. ''Escort Alexander to the gates in the front of the kingdom, he wishes to explore his surroundings.''
''Yes, my king,'' the guards walked over to the front gates with Alexander where the gates cut off Griffonia, from the rest of its neighboring countries. The king's guards brought their spears down on the ground, as two gates opened outside of the castle while Alexander walked out of the kingdom and took off to the skies.
Alexander strapped his spear on his back, flying in the air with the wind blowing in his feathers. He spotted the border between Equestria and the Frozen North and flew past the frigid mountains, scanning both the ground and the sky. I don't know why Rhosus keeps telling us to stay within the border, this is a very majestic country. As always, he tends to overreact and let his mind wander off, Alexander thought silently to himself, while he maneuvered through the clouds cascading across the sky.
A group of pegasi flew by him, Alexander waved his claw at them to get their attention. ''Hello there!'' the pegasi spread out their wings in a panic to avoid him like the plague, shot off into the sky similar to the velocity of a speeding bullet.
''Wait come back, where are you going?'' the young griffon called out to the fleeing pegasi, as they ignored his call.
Alexander shrugged it off and flew downwards to the ground below. His speed slowly decreased as he planted his forelimbs and claws on the ground. Looking around the extravagant capital of Equestria, he took a moment to take in the scenery and admire the elegant atmosphere around him. Most gryphons never dreamed of setting one claw past their borders unless they were given orders to, but that hasn't happen since the Great Pony and Griffon War of 1600.
He proceeded to walk further into the city, where he came across ponies walking left and right through the cobblestone streets of Canterlot. For a capital city of Equestria, it's really highly populated by ponies who love to dress fancy. Alexander thought, he walked through the crowd of ponies and made his way over to a restaurant. The tables and chairs were spread apart from each other to allow more space and room for all ponies, he plopped down on a chair as a menu was given to him.
A rumbling from his stomach snapped him out of his frantic pacing. ''Alright already, I'll have to get something to eat. How convenient that I'm at a restaurant right now, huh?'' Alexander's light blue eyes read the menu, searching for one of the items to consume.
One of the waiters approached his table, clearing his throat. ''Hello young man, how may I-'' The words he was about to utter quickly vanished from his mind, he pointed his hoof in the opposite direction of Alexander. ''Griffons are not allowed at this fine establishment, begone with you!''
''But all I wanted was something to eat!' Alexander whined, he removed himself from the chair and table.
''Off with you, go fine somewhere else to eat! I will not allow a creature such as yourself to ruin my business!'' He ran into his restaurant, closed the door, and pulled down the blinds. To top it off, he flipped the 'OPEN' sign over to the 'CLOSED' side.
Alexander thought that griffons were allowed to roam as they please, without being judged for who they are and what other creatures label them as such. A measly bite to eat was out of the question for the young griffon, so he went off to take his hunger elsewhere.
The young griffon soldier came across another eating establishment near an Ink and Quills shop. He kindly opened the door as the bell chimed upon his entry. A mare with light gold eyes, an ice cream-like pale amber mane, and a grayish coat stood behind the counter greeting the patrons as they walked in and exited out. To her surprise, she never expected a griffon to be sitting right there on a high stool in front of her very eyes.
He hung his head down in despair, his anguish resonated through his body. ''Let me guess, you're going to kick me out just like the last jerk who threw me out like trash?'' Tears rolled down his face, his puffy, red eyes rose up from looking at the floor. Alexander didn't want to go through another mistreatment, he had enough for his first time away from the Griffon Kingdom's border.
''Now hold on a second there, I wouldn't think of such a thing. Ponies are suppose to treat other creatures and each other with the utmost respect,'' the mare behind the counter stated, she rubbed the back of his head as the wave of white feathers fell into the palm of her hoof.
''Well that's not what I've been given today. All I wanted was to explore my surroundings, be free away from the restrictions of the kingdom I was born, raised, and trained in. A simple thing like, getting something to eat, even that was too much to ask for.'' Alexander sighed under his breath, twirling around in his stool.
As he continued to rotate around in his stool, she laid her hoof firmly on the metal bottom of the stool and the stool came to a compete stop. ''Believe me when I say this, I would never judge you nor would I throw you out for who you are.'' Alexander gazed into her eyes as their eyes met each other, stopping his train of thought.
''What's your name, young one?''
''I'm Alexander The First, son of the late King Gryphus The Third.''
''My name is Mjölna, how about I treat you to something to eat?''
''I would like that very much.'' Alexander responded immediately.
She walked out from behind the counter and took his claw with her. They sat down at an empty table where two milkshakes were sitting there on the empty table. Both of them took their respective straws and sipped the vanilla and chocolate milkshakes through their white, narrow straws.
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Empty food baskets were spread across their table, with their bellies full to the point where they couldn't eat another bite. A loud belch escaped from their mouths as they rubbed their bodies. Mjölna and Alexander moved from their table slowly to the door as they opened the door, a chime from the bell came soon after. Alexander saw a smile come across his face, as Mjölna held him close to her coat while the moon's light shined down on them.
''Thanks for the meal and everything, Mjölna.'' Alexander grinned at the mare, he was let go of the embrace.
''It was not a problem at all, Alexander. If you do decide to meet with me again, keep this note with you.'' Mjölna gave the young soldier a note before she trotted off into the night, the shadows concealed her body in its dark ambiance.
Alexander stood silently in the streets all by his lonesome. He will always remember the mare who showed him, that it is okay to be different and you can never change who you are. He took a glimpse at the note:
Dear Alexander,
I never experienced or went through what you go through, but I do know that no matter what creature you are, you should be treated well without the fear of being judged. If we do cross paths again some day, we can learn more about each other than we could possibly imagine.
Until that time comes, I leave you with this reminder. If we judge others, we will start to know that we are all different. But we are all the same in one way or another, different or not we're all still one nation.
Sincerely,
Mjölna
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- Hack Writings · 3.3k words · 30 2 · 2.3k views
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I feel like Alexander should have had more mental fortitude. I mean, seriously, a soldier crying after getting kicked out of one place? I can imagine he'd be sad, but I feel like he should have visited a few more places first. Otherwise, good job.
4757273 Sorry about that, I should've added a little more to him visiting the places. But, thank you though.
4757674 Glad that you did.
I have to admit this was a lot better than I thought it would be. I've only read 4 (counting my own) of the stories in the competition, but I have to tip my hat to you. Very well done.
4774835 Thank you so much, I'm happy to hear that you enjoyed it. I wish you the best of luck in the contest.
For an entry for a competition hosted by Equestria Daily, I think this has a sporting chance.
I really like Alexander and Mjolna, she seems really nice. Sure I agree that he could've been kicked out of a couple more venues first but I don't think that's entirely the point. The story has a message, a moral, a lesson and I think while it isn't hammered into my skull it still gives the reader a reason to agree with it by putting relatable characters into a relatable situation. While we don't know much about Alexander, he still seems like a genuine fellow and a lot nicer than some other griffons.
The story was well written, pacing has improved significantly and the characters were kind of fun.
Overall I give this story 7.5/10.
Onto the next review!
You use the word 'manhunt'! For a griffon! A pox on you! A curse! Burn this garbage!
...okay, I worked that out of my system, sorry. Let's get to the good stuff and the constructive whats-its. I like where we're starting off, for one. Politics is always great story material, but I think it was underutilized here. Diplomacy without a little posturing or verbal sparring is lacking the friction. Best way I could put it is when you think of two world leaders coming together, does the word 'reasonable' ever enter the room? If it did, politics would make sense, and what fun would that be?
Moving on, our main character. I'd echo what others have said that a griffon soldier ought to be a little tougher, but then again we could also argue that he's a princely type without any experience in the real world. Perhaps his vulnerability comes from simply being fawned on all his life. What I would like to see is a little more insight into his thought processes. For example, how he comes to the idea of heading to Equestria. The first paragraph he's in mentions making sure ponies never saw the light of day. The second paragraph he's in, he hears the king is growing old so his first response is "I'm going sightseeing." It's a little jarring, so some contemplation on his part would help smooth the transition. Perhaps something to do with his take on Luna. Show what he thinks of the treaty discussion, and have that lead into his decision to see the world.
Last note, and this isn't a structure or content note, but when Alexander introduces himself near the end, he mentions being the son of the late king. Late meaning dead. Might be an error there, I don't recall reading anything about the king dying.
So I figure the story could use some polish and a bit more meat on its bones, but it's got real potential. Well done.
-Hack
4783059 Sorry about that. I based this off of Equestria-Prevails Griffonia pictures, so in one of them it describes that the original king died. I should have worked harder on this, but thank you for the review.
the concept seems nice, but the grammar in the first few paragraphs is just...shaky.
4825538 I'll keep that in mind, thanks for pointing that out.