The window through which we perceive life is what defines our experience of it. We are only aware of a small fraction of what our senses pick up. We can all choose how we see the world.
After a detente' meeting with Princess Luna, a Griffon soldier visits Canterlot to see why she came in the first place. But while he was there visiting, he meets a pony who doesn't judge a book by its cover.
Alexander Ironclaw is owned by Equestria-Prevails, credit for the OC and cover art.
This is my entry for the Equestria Daily Summer Fan Fiction Contest.
Prompt:
Write a story about ponies... from a non-pony's point of view.
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I feel like Alexander should have had more mental fortitude. I mean, seriously, a soldier crying after getting kicked out of one place? I can imagine he'd be sad, but I feel like he should have visited a few more places first. Otherwise, good job.
4757273 Sorry about that, I should've added a little more to him visiting the places. But, thank you though.
4757674 Glad that you did.
I have to admit this was a lot better than I thought it would be. I've only read 4 (counting my own) of the stories in the competition, but I have to tip my hat to you. Very well done.
4774835 Thank you so much, I'm happy to hear that you enjoyed it. I wish you the best of luck in the contest.
For an entry for a competition hosted by Equestria Daily, I think this has a sporting chance.
I really like Alexander and Mjolna, she seems really nice. Sure I agree that he could've been kicked out of a couple more venues first but I don't think that's entirely the point. The story has a message, a moral, a lesson and I think while it isn't hammered into my skull it still gives the reader a reason to agree with it by putting relatable characters into a relatable situation. While we don't know much about Alexander, he still seems like a genuine fellow and a lot nicer than some other griffons.
The story was well written, pacing has improved significantly and the characters were kind of fun.
Overall I give this story 7.5/10.
Onto the next review!
You use the word 'manhunt'! For a griffon! A pox on you! A curse! Burn this garbage!
...okay, I worked that out of my system, sorry. Let's get to the good stuff and the constructive whats-its. I like where we're starting off, for one. Politics is always great story material, but I think it was underutilized here. Diplomacy without a little posturing or verbal sparring is lacking the friction. Best way I could put it is when you think of two world leaders coming together, does the word 'reasonable' ever enter the room? If it did, politics would make sense, and what fun would that be?
Moving on, our main character. I'd echo what others have said that a griffon soldier ought to be a little tougher, but then again we could also argue that he's a princely type without any experience in the real world. Perhaps his vulnerability comes from simply being fawned on all his life. What I would like to see is a little more insight into his thought processes. For example, how he comes to the idea of heading to Equestria. The first paragraph he's in mentions making sure ponies never saw the light of day. The second paragraph he's in, he hears the king is growing old so his first response is "I'm going sightseeing." It's a little jarring, so some contemplation on his part would help smooth the transition. Perhaps something to do with his take on Luna. Show what he thinks of the treaty discussion, and have that lead into his decision to see the world.
Last note, and this isn't a structure or content note, but when Alexander introduces himself near the end, he mentions being the son of the late king. Late meaning dead. Might be an error there, I don't recall reading anything about the king dying.
So I figure the story could use some polish and a bit more meat on its bones, but it's got real potential. Well done.
-Hack
4783059 Sorry about that. I based this off of Equestria-Prevails Griffonia pictures, so in one of them it describes that the original king died. I should have worked harder on this, but thank you for the review.
the concept seems nice, but the grammar in the first few paragraphs is just...shaky.
4825538 I'll keep that in mind, thanks for pointing that out.